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Jon Grosselin is no longer using Ed Hardy as his full-time spiritual advisor. Instead, Jon is listening to the mouth belonging to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (but you can call him Rabbi Famewhore). Unfortunately, Rabbi SB has not advised Jon to hide in Balloon Boy's attic and not come out until we tell him to. But Rabbi SB did tell Jon that he needs to drop his girlfriend Hailey Glassman off at the nearest potted plant and leave her the hell alone. According to Extra, Jon has listened to Rabbi SB and has quit Meth Brows.

Some "insider" (*cough*possumhead*cough*) said, "They're taking a break. Jon apparently decided he needed to spend some time on his own." Yeah, on his own in a ditch in Chernobyl.

This is kind of funny since Hailey was on TV the other day queefing about how Jon constantly throws "mantrums," but she can never leave his ass. Hailey should consider herself lucky since she just dodged a douche bullet. Now she can go back to doing anal with potted plants which sounds much more enjoyable than doing anything with Jon Gosselin.

Rabbi BS (on purpose typo) probably has bigger publicity whoring plans for Jon. Don't be surprised if Jon changes his name to Jedidiah and starts hanging around with Ashton Kutcher. Does Ed Hardy make Kabbalah bracelets? They will now.

The Polish papers have already reported this weeks ago that Colin Farrell has a brand new son, but now it's confirmed. Colin's spokeswhore says that his girlfriend, Polish actress Alicja Bachleda, popped out their first baby together on October 7th.

Colin and Alicja actually gave their kid a normal name. A name that doesn't cause your eyes to do the hustle. They named him Henry Tadeusz Farrell. I know. What the hell kind of GD celebrities do Colin and Alicja think they are? They better enroll him in a celebkid-free school, because if they don't, Sparrow and Bronx will make fun of him for having a name like Henry. That might have been a Twilight Zone episode.

Anyway, this is Colin's second kid. He has a 6-year-old son with Kim Bordenave named James.

Colin and Alicja met while filming a movie together. Two seconds later, Colin threw a jizz ball her way and she got knocked up. At this rate, Colin will have 6 kiddies and just as many baby mamas by the time he's 40. Keep fucking that chicken, Colin!

Source: Associated Press

On Today this morning, Matt Lauer dressed up as a former gay twink power bottom porn star who now works as a third-tier Luke Skywalker impersonator at children's birthday parties (aka Bruno). Oh, and to answer my question, DUH! But I'd just let him slap one of the cheeks with his light saber. That's it.

As you can tell, all of the hos on the Today show dressed up as Star Wars characters for Halloween. Meredith Vieira was Princess Leia, Hoda was Yoda, Al Roker was Hans Solo, Kathie Lee Gifford was C-3DrunkHo, Ann Curry was Darth Vader and Natalie Morales was Padme.

Katie Couric's old colonoscopy footage was supposed to be Jabba the Hutt, but there were scheduling conflicts. And Gary Coleman dressed up as one of the Ewoks. A check is a check, and he has to keep his ginge bride happy with sugar cubes and organic carrots.

Here's Scott Speedman shuffling around the streets of Beverly Hills in man-flops with his fresh out of the oven (not an ode to JLo) muffin top peeking out. It needs butter. Okay, okay, I know Scott doesn't look like he belongs on a Betty Crocker box, but "muffin top" sounds so much more delicious than "stomach" or "belly."

All ballsacks need to leave the room now. Whatever was left of mine is already on the corner trying to flag a cab down. You've been warned.

Anthony Clark was strolling down a street in Langley, BC, minding his own business, when some lady kicked him in his tea bags for absolutely no reason. The bitch busted him so hard in the crotch that one his testicles shot up into his abdomen like a sledge hammer carnival game.

Anthony tells The Calgary Herald that he didn't know how bad it was until that night when he realized one of his sperm sacks was missing in action. When Anthony went to see his doctor, he was told to mourn the loss of his testicle, because it ruptured. They had to yank it out and will replace it with a prosthetic one in a couple of months. Fortunately, Anthony can still have chirruns if he wants to.

When Anthony went to file a report with the police about the incident, he was told that the same fuckery happened to several other dudes. They are now on the search for The Testicle Terrorist of Langley who is described as a Caucasian lady in her 20s.

Okay, there are plenty times throughout the day that I just want to run outside and karate kick a random dude in the dick, but DAMN! It's called self-control...and massive amounts of weed. Lick a nut, don't kick one!

And let me just type what we're all thinking: KATE GOSSELIN MUST BE STOPPED!

VIA C+D

A man named Chidi Uzomah was arrested at the E! building in Los Angeles this morning after he showed up asking for Ryan Seacrest. Security recognized Chidi as a known Seacrest-stalker and immediately called the police. It was game over for Chidi after that.

Last month, Chidi was sentenced to three months probation and was ordered to stay away from Gaycrest after he pleaded guilty to attacking one of Ryan's bodyguards outside of a charity event in Orange County, CA. When Chidi was searched today, the cops found a knife on him and a personal check from Joel McHale. I made up that last up.

Maybe Chidi thinks Ryan will lead him to a big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Somebody should tell Chidi he has the wrong bitch. And Chidi's family was unavailable for comment because they were too busy bawling on the floor out of embarrassment.

Source: E! Online

The most disturbing thing about these pictures is seeing Twit & Twat with babies in their hands....even fake ones - Just Jared

Just like Heidi Klum, I like to only wear a pair of suspenders when I'm out catching flies with my mouth - Egotastic!

Now is Chicken Cutlets chance to go from lead seat filler to HOST! It's the next natural step. - Lainey Gossip

The most prolific literary talent in history has another book out - Hollywood Tuna

David Banda is trying to show up Maddox - Popsugar

Geri Haliwell is not about to let the paps get a shot of her ginger spice (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Katy Perry's four globes - Popoholic

Robbie Williams pulls out - Holy Moly!

Nicole Kidman is afraid to sing, because she knows if she opens her mouth too wide she may get a half-wrinkle - I'm Not Obsessed

Brandon Beemer is raising awareness...and other things - Towleroad

I guess I won't be sleeping tonight - Cityrag

Oksana Grigorieva is just a rude gold digging bitch. Definitely, my kind. - Celebitchy

Macy Gray is drunk on crazy - ICYDK

Why? - Hollywood Rag

Sandra Bullock finally admits that she's a zit on everyone's nipple - Socialite Life

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

So now you finally know what my second job is. I'm a Fly Pumpkhead on The CW News in Omaha, Nebraska. I WISH. If I had moves like that I wouldn't be wasting my talents on the local news. I'd be punching and thrusting on the Santa Monica Promenade or in the NYC subways. For real.

And now we all finally found a Halloween costume that will give us a good reason to vogue AND karate kick at once. ALL THE SINGLE PUMPKINHEADS!

VIA Videogum

The cover for Glamberace's single "For your EnterTAINTment" isn't going to transport you to a planet where glittery unicorns ejaculate rainbows (aka Planet Cornify) like his album portrait, but it might make your fuck hole inhale until it goes blue. That's a compliment. I think. And is it just me or does Glamberace's finger joo-ree look like mini dick-cuffs for a chain gang bang? Tommy Girl will order a dozen!

Listen to Glamberace's song below and tell me if it's about getting gay raped in an S&M disco club. Or not.

VIA Queerty