Archives

Yesterday, my cousin was telling me how she caught her son snatching $10 out of her wallet in the middle of the night. Well, if her son was Jon Gosselin, he would've taken the whole damn wallet and left her with a piece of old gum. That's basically what he did to Kate. Radar reports that on the same day that Jon was telling Larry King that he wanted to play nice with Kate, he secretly took a shovel and pretty much emptied their joint bank account. Apparently, Jon rolled away with $200,000, leaving Kate with $1,000. How in the rhinestone tiger hell is Kate's possum supposed to survive on just a grand?! MAN DOWN CODE 10!

Can you imagine the sound Kate's possum made when she checked her balance? The day the ear drums died.

TMZ says that Kate's lawyers will go to court tomorrow to argue that Jon totally gave a "fuck you" to an existing order which states that they could not withdraw money from that account without each other's permission. They want a judge to demand that Jon return the money and that he be held in contempt. Kate uses that account to pay for household expenses, so it looks like the child army WILL STARVE!

Part of me is disappointed in Kate, because I would have thought that she would've emptied that account out as soon as Jon started passing his peen around. She's not the mega cuntress I thought she was.

When Jon started wearing that Ed Hardy shit, she should've taken all the cash and left him with a McDonald's coupon book. You can't trust a ho as soon as they start covering their body parts with that Ed Hardy fuckery.

This is exactly why I live by the motto: My money is my money and your money is OUR money.

Karl Lagerfeld and Donatella Versace have nothing to worry about, because it looks like they are still the top constipated zombies in fashion. Blohan's debut collection for Ungaro failed to make some of the critics jizz in their chonies. Blohan didn't actually design any of this shit, she was merely the "artistic adviser." I'm guessing it means she was in charge of cutting the lines and making sure the cokepants could at least store a gram.

WWD called the collection, designed by Estrella Archs, a complete "embarrassment." They also said, "As for the clothes, they looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case during chez Ungaro’s post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver. Nor in a million years would one guess that the lineup was designed by one young woman and 'creative directed' by another. Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies? For Lohan, she’ll weather the criticism, hardly her first or her juiciest, and move on when her contract allows. But Archs has her work cut out for her. Backstage after the show, she said the collection 'had to be designed very quickly.' Perhaps that was the problem. This storied house has been in disarray for years, and though Archs’ debut provided no indication that she’s up to the challenge, she should be given the chance to find out without a younger, non-skilled judge with theoretical veto power hovering about."

You know, I actually like these whore clothes, because it looks like it was something that came out of the vagina of the 1980s. I mean, if a grown-up Rainbow Bright fell on hard times and had to peddle her wares on the ho stroll, she'd wear this shit for sure. Give me pasties, bare titties, almost exposed crotch areas and I'm happeh!

As for Blohan's face/lips situation, there's really nothing more to say. Blohan is making Courtney Love look like a pure teardrop from the eye of a virgin angel. Just hit Ctrl+Alt+BITCHLOOKSBEAT.

Fart away, JLo, because there's a new Queen of the Boogie Down and her name is Heather Mills (Dear The Bronx, I'm queefing out jokes, so please don't murder me with your eyes).

The Wicked Cunt of the UK dropped into the Bronx yesterday to open the first American branch of her vegan fast-food restaurant V-Bites (aka The Cunt Cafe). Heather is really trying to turn everybody in the Bronx into cardboard-eating vegans, because she's already donated $1 million in vegan food to underprivileged children there.

While I was doing research for this important story (because I'm a serious journalist), I found this hot quote from the New York Daily News. Last year, they asked some residents of the Bronx about Heather Mills. Lashawnda Floyd said this: "Yeah, that's the one with one leg or something."

And seeing Heather standing next to her vegan restaurant really makes me want to eat a hot dog wrapped in bacon and stuffed between two hamburger patties with steak gravy on top.

Since Jon Grosselin doesn't have a regular paying gig anymore, he's hitting the ho stroll harder than. Jon's first stop on the journey to relevancy was Millions of Famewhores in Los Angeles where he made a signature milkshake. The words "Jon Gosslin milkshake" should never ever be allowed to stand next to each other. Millions of Milkshakes should get an F from the health department just for having that shit on the menu.

I'm guessing a Grosselin shake consists of: Ed Hardy's European beer, foam from the mouth of Kate's rabid possum head, three dry hairs from Hailey Glassman's meth brows, Michael Lohan's enema water, Jon's undertitty jam, a dozen rotten walnuts, a cup of lukewarm lard, and the tears of ten TLC executives.

On last night's SNL, Lady CaCa and Vadge joined forces in a skit that was probably put together 5-minutes before in the men's bathroom while the two peed in a urinal. Don't get me wrong, Vadge looked hotter than a brand new mannequin out of the factory, but bitch has the comedic timing of a broken down toilet. You all know Lady CaCa makes my ass lips weepy, but at least she memorized her damn lines and wasn't on a 10-second delay. The producers should have just put a butt plug up Ryan Reynolds' ass and thrown a blonde wig on his head so that he could play Vadge. Actually, that might not have been believable since her biceps are bigger than his.

But seriously, this skit needed to be snatched away by Kanye West! This shit made me want to rub my CAPS-LOCK key while praying for Kanye to pop out on stage and SAVE THEM ALL! Apple should really make an iPhone app for that.

If you want to see the rest of Lady CaCa's skits and performances, skip on over to ONTD. Below is CaCa performing inside my fifth grade science project. Mark this day in history, because this is the first CaCa performance that actually made me smile like a Wino in front of a crackpipe. Skip to the 1:07 mark to see why.

Klee Irwin - The master of the bowel movement and creator of the Dual Action Cleanse. You might have seen some of Klee's infomercials for the Dual Action Cleanse, a product he developed to help bitches rid themselves of pounds of caca. Klee, who kind of looks like John Waters' long-lost conjoined twin dipped in foundation and hair gel, isn't afraid to talk about all things SHIT. You don't really need to buy the Dual Action Cleanse, because just a few moment with Klee will get your bowels barfing. That's a compliment (no, it isn't).

If you don't know what I'm talking about, then watch the clip below of Klee (I can't with that name) talking about his 4-year-old daughter's doody situation.

P.S. - The sight of the ravishing blonde goddess wearing the 80s dreamcoat made my bowels take a moment of silence for a quick minute.

Jackie Collins (72)
Lil Mama (20)
Rachael Leigh Cook (30)
Alicia Silverstone (33)
Liev Schreiber (42)
Jon Secada (47)
Chris Lowe (50)
Russell Simmons (52)
Tcheky Karo (56)
Armand Assante (60)
Stephen Gyllenhaal (60)
Linda McMahon (61)
Susan Sarandon (63)
Anne Rice (68)