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Ever since the magical piece of trash masterpiece that is Showgirls changed my life in 1995, I've been hongray for a sequel or a TV show or a YouTube series or a porn version or something! Well, finally I can unclench my soul, because my prayers have been answered!

The German site Extratipp (via JoBlo) is singing from the top of the mountains in heaven that writer/director/genius/lifesaver Marc Vorlander is working on a sequel called Showgirls: Story Of Hope. Why is Germany's palette for everything so refined? I mean, The Hoff, sausages and SHOWGIRLS?! They are the perfect people.

The sequel will focus on Penny/Hope, the dumb ass stripper in the first Showgirls played to perfection by Rena Riffel. In the sequel, Hope dies of cocaine contamination and her brother goes to Frankfurt to get revenge on those who are responsible for her death. Yeah, I don't know what this has to do with Showgirls, but who cares! It could be about mobster ferrets and I'd still be creaming over this as long as they include equal amounts of Gina Gershon, bitch fights, rhinestones, and random sex scenes.

Rena is expected to reprise her role as Hope. They will shoot in Frankfurt on a $25 million budget. Don't ask me how many dick holes they had to lick to get that money, but it was worth it. THIS MUST BE MADE! The future of humanity depends on it!

David Letterman opened his show tonight with an apology to his wife and staff for dipping his dick pen into the vagina of several of his employees. Dave took a few pokes at himself before saying he's sowwy to the ole' wife unit Regina Lasko.

Dave apparently told the audience: "She has been horribly hurt by my behavior, and when something happens like that, if you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it. At that point, there's only two things that can happen: Either you're going to make some progress and get it fixed, or you're going to fall short and perhaps not get it fixed, so let me tell you folks, I got my work cut out for me.”

"I'm terribly sorry that I put the staff in that position. Inadvertently, I just wasn't thinking ahead. And, moreover, the staff here has been wonderfully supportive to me, not just through this furor, but through all the years that we've been on television and especially all the years here at CBS, so, again, my thanks to the staff for, once again, putting up with something stupid I've gotten myself involved in."

For some reason, I thought maybe Regina allowed Dave's peen to run free through the fields of his interns' crotch areas, but it sounds like that wasn't the case. It also sounds like Dave's going to have to go through a few "Smell Yo Dick" moments from Regina. I feel for Regina, because who would want to sniff at Dave's fuck parts on a nightly basis? Regina should look into getting a pussy juice sniffin' dog.

Sienna Miller is starring on Broadway right now with Jonny Lee Miller (that's the Ex. Mr. Saint Angie to all of us) and the two went for a stroll yesterday with his son Buster and her dog. I should mention that Jonny Lee is MARRIED! Jonny's wife Michele must be secure in her shit, because most wives would've had the SWAT Team, a dozen priests, several doctors from the CDC and the Cheaters camera crew on the scene at once. Sienna's wrecking ball vag would've been served with a restraining order and Jonny's peen would've been put in handcuffs. You do not fuck around with Sienna's skills.

Even Jonny's kid knows what she's up to. Dude has his thumb up like, "Yeah, she's a pro."

At last night's Blink 182/Fall Out Boy show at MSG in NYC, Pete Wentz declared that it was "THE DEATH OF THE EMO HAIRCUT" and let Mark Hoppus cut his hair off on stage. All together now: "He should've cut off his head instead!"

While I am happy for Pete's hairline since it probably hasn't seen the light of anything for a long ass time, his new shaved head really isn't the look. Before, he looked like a slow orangutan with an Emo wig, and now he just looks like a slow orangutan.

Pete did good by taking a machete to the emo haircut, but he should have backed away from the clippers and skipped towards the dread wax. Remember when Pete had dreadlocks:

I mean, Pete with hairy penises all over his head just made sense!

VIA People & Friends Or Enemies

This picture of Alexander Skarsgard grabbing onto a dude's titty at Fantastic Fest '09 will probably find itself inserted into Photoshop about a million times, because crazed True Blood hos (yours truly included) will be pasting their heads on this shit. I mean, we all want Vampire Eric to place his sexy hand on our nipple while holding a Stella in the middle of a freezer.

Something tells me the dude's face lips aren't the only pair of lips puckering up. OW! Eric has that effect on everyone.

If that was me, I'd never wash or lick my nipple ever again. My nipple would be looking like a crusty 7-layer dip after about a year, and I still wouldn't take a towelette to it.

Source: PoshDeluxe VIA Just Jared

Somewhere in the world, Martha Stewart is flicking at her nipples as punishment for not coming up with this herself! It's a gross thing!

Someone's mind did actually venture into the darkside and thought it would be a perfect idea to turn their placenta into a teddy bear. If a ho wants to turn her womb cake into a teddy bear, have at it, but she could at least use pieces of the umbilical cord to give it eyes and a smile! Because it kind of just looks like a boring bear made out of empanadas. Poor thing has the personality of a....well...of a dead placenta.

And now I won't be able to eat a delicious empanada without thinking that I might just be nibbling on deep fried placenta.

Source VIA Jezebel

Birthday: Every day
Age: Forever young
Birth Name: Tengobaila Ailey Astaire Robbins Baryshnikov Fosse Graham Abdul

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 1, 2009
Claim to Fame: Tengobaila is a YouTube superstar who has uploaded hundreds of videos of her busting out moves and burning up her living room carpet. I seriously spent the better part of my weekend watching all over her mini-masterpieces completely sober. Who needs the good shit when you have Tengobaila's kicks and thrusts to take you higher. Yes, it's that serious.

Where is she now? Hopefully choreographing another glamorous ballet to an important piece of music (example: Lissette Melendez's "Together Forever").

Why is she HS of the Week? There is not enough time in our lives to list all the reasons, but below is reason enough. It's a clip of Tengobaila dancing to The Party's "In My Dreams." Yes, The Fucking Party from The Mickey Mouse Club. Tengobaila is single-handedly keeping their memory alive!

Oh, Victoria Silvstedt is just massaging her crotch crabs - Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson wearing a see-through muumuu and control-top granny panties to a pool party - Hollywood Tuna

Brad Pitt's man cave isn't as exciting as it sounds - Towleroad

Kristen Stewart and RPattz going into an elevator. That means they are totally doing dirty unicorn sex together - Popsugar

Paul McCartney just got away from one cuntoid and now he's forced to sit next to another one at his daughter's fashion show?! - Lainey Gossip

And when the priest asks if anyone objects to this marriage, Salma Hayek's nipples will holler "WE DO!" - Popeater

Detective La Toya is on the trail in Rome (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

You can't tell from these pictures but Suri is on the sidelines with a whip and a blow horn - Just Jared

Mr. Big is off the market - Celebitchy

Yes, Sherri, "real women" are all built like the Tasmanian Devil - I'm Not Obsessed

Carol Channing wins every time - SOW

Naomi Campbell's nipples take to the runway - Hollywood Rag

Christian Audigier needs to put his dick back in Jon Gosselin's mouth hole, so he can shut up already - ICDYK

This made me feel emotions - Cityrag

Being fucked up on the bad shit obviously gives Kerry Katona the giggles - Holy Moly!

Usually, I'm all for leather garter boots, but RiRi's arent doing anything for me - Socialite Life

For some reason, Levi Johnston is in a commercial for pistachios with his bodyguard/manager/Palin-blocker Tank. When I think of nuts, I usually think of Cisco Adler or Courtney Love, but I guess Levi works? Tank better cover Levi's nuts at all times, because Sarah Palin is going to try to shoot them from her plane when she watches this shit.

And who needs protection while eating nuts anyway? The best part is when the peen slaps you in the eye! If you don't enjoy that shit, I guess you can use a tripod.