White Oprah's charbroiled Slim Jim body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. White Oprah proved this in an interview she gave to Page Six at the launch of her new shoe line for mothers turned pimps who constantly have to run from dealers and CPS officers.
White Oprah got into everything from the so-called intervention for LiLo to the name of her shoe line. Make sure to put the voice of reason in your head on mute before reading it, because if you don't, you'll only hear "put a straitjacket on her mouth" over and over again.
WO on Michael Lohan's public intervention for their daughter: "I don't go -- like my ex -- on national television and make things up. He's estranged from Lindsay; he doesn't know what's going on in her life. Michael doesn't talk to her. "I've had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay's personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he's five months behind in child support is wrong."
WO on Michael Lohan's behavior: "I can't change Michael to make him do the right thing -- that's up to him and God. But it is hurtful for a child for her own father, whom she has no relationship with, to say things in public about her like that."
WO on Michael Lohan's claims that their daughter is eating up pills by the handful: "I have no idea what he is talking about. I can't comment on everything my ex says."
WO on the critics saying her daughter's Ungaro collection was as worthless as a dehydrated butt nugget: "The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius."
WO on bitches getting on her crackhead daughter's case: "Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God."
WO on "Shoe-Han" being the name of her shoe line: "We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented."
Don't read any of that out loud or two men in white coats will come into your home to drag you to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should've happened to White Oprah after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY.
But I will agree with her about Lindsay's "creative talents." I mean, being able to snort a line from across the room is definitely a gift from a high power of GOD.
Daniel Radcliffe has the itch for Broadway again and it's telling him to dance DANCE DANCE! Variety (via NYDN) says that DanRad will flutter and sing in a revival of How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. If you ask me, DanRad should first take a class in How To Succeed in Showing Your Peen In A Broadway Play first.
DanRad, who took it all off in Equus last year, will take part in a reading of the musical this December. If the reading goes well, they will start planning a full production for next year.
The last time the musical was revived on Broadway was in 1995. It starred Matthew Broderick. You better believe Matthew is going to ring up DanRad and offer to help him with "getting into character." Matthew's technique involves several flavors of lube and deep breathing exercises. Such a Thespian!
No, your prayers that Jon & Kate get sucked into a gateway to hell have not yet been answered. They are still roaming the earth, and they are still fighting like they are on a Chinatown bus in San Francisco. Seriously, The Fight Queen of Muni needs to drop kick both of these foolios.
Anyway, Kate has filed papers claiming that she needs both spousal and child support since Jon cleared their joint account of over $200,000. Kate took Jon to court earlier this week for snatching the cash, but the hearing date was pushed back after the judge's wife died. So now she's going to after him another way. Kate's lawyer told People, "She needs relief in light of the draining of substantial marital assets in violation of the arbitrator's decision that the money should be used only for specific purposes." A hearing has been set for Tuesday.
It sounds to me like Kate needs to pull an Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale and hold an "Everything Must Go" yard sale. I'm sure there's plenty of mid-life crisis-having ex-frat boys who would love to buy Jon's old embroidered button-down shirts, studded jeans, empty bottles of Axe body spray and Ed Hardy ass lip clamps.
And this is what Sethe from Beloved thinks about this whole situation (WARNING: You might want to use the facilities and put on a diaper before watching):
You see what the Gosselins do to Oprah?!
Heidi Klum's crotch will no longer be in the shadow of her enormous belly, because she finally birthed one of those baby things early this morning. Heidi's crotch can finally get some sun. Yipeee.
Radar says that Heidi and Seal's second baby friend (her third) has a vagina and they named her Lou Samuel.
You know, I didn't smack my lips or rotate my eyes when reading that name, so it's fine by me. I actually like old man names for little girls. Think about it. A girl in a pink dress and pig tails with the name Horrice, Angus or Clarence is pretty damn adorable.....if you're stoned.
However, I'm not sure if it works with boys too. We should put it to the test. The first one of you who pops out a boy, better name him Bertha or Myrtle. Tell me how that goes.
TMZ caught up with a boozed up Mickey Rourke last night in NYC, and he decided it was a wonderful time to tell us why he constantly uses the slur "faggot." According to Mickey, it has nothing to do with being gay. No, calling someone a faggot is just like calling someone a punk ass bitch. Mickey kept saying how it had nothing to do with being a homosexual, and those who want to label the word can fuck off. Basically, Mickey just doesn't give a fuck.
Mickey went on to fart that he would use the word during his footballs days when telling one of his teammates to catch the ball. WAIT. Hold the dildo!
So is Mickey trying to say that every time someone has called me a faggot, they were actually telling me to catch the football? If I knew that, I'd probably be the wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys by now. That means I'd spend my days in a locker room full of hot pieces! DAMN MICKEY. Where were your words of wisdom when I needed them most?
And here's some pictures of Mickey looking 100% heterosexual while sashaying through NYC with his fluffy lap dog while wearing Forever 21 jeans, a dandy plaid vest and loafers that used to belong to Barbara Bush.
Since when does Pellegrino make barley flavor? - Just Jared
Brooke Burke's vagina is smiling for the cameras - Hollywood Tuna
Even Vampire Beeeeehl wants to rub his ass cheeks all over Eric - Towleroad
This is probably what the Lohans look like without fake tanner (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Ginger Spice knows how to dress - Holy Moly!
Purdy Zac Efron puckers up in Nylon - Popsugar
Jennifer Aniston goes back to basting - Lainey Gossip
Peta Nemcova's nipple just popped out to say "hi" - Egotastic!
Guess a celebwhore's age - Cityrag
Tori Spelling says she weighs 107lbs, and 80 of those pounds are from her implants - Celebitchy
Yeah, these claims about Brit Brit aren't that shocking - ICYDK
Hilary Swank's boyfriend's son has already learned that "it's just a titty" - I'm Not Obsessed
(Image via Fame Pictures)
According to me, you haven't lived until you've eaten a Krispy Kreme cheeseburger. According to Shepherd Smith, you won't live after eating a Kristy Kreme cheeseburger. Who knew suicide could be so delicious?
On his show the other night, Shep couldn't believe that such evil could exist on this planet. Shep thinks that eating one of these things is like getting "in a car chase and running out and acting like you're gonna shoot somebody and then a cop would kill you.” Based on that thought, I think Shep might have liquefied a KK cheeseburger and snorted it up before he went on the air.
I'm not trying to make a joke here, but when they cut to the KK cheeseburger and cut back to Shep's face, it took me a second to realize I wasn't looking at the same thing anymore. Separated at birth!
VIA Joe. My. God.
Why does Nicole Kidman look like my ex-boyfriend dressed as Nancy Sinatra circa 1985 for Halloween? If Vogue was trying to make Nicole look like a ladydude, they could have at least added a dick bulge for the full effect. Actually, they should have used the "tidal wave" tool and Photoshopped her ass out of there along with Kate Hudson.
Even then, this cover is still all sorts of fug. Only Sophia Loren posing as a precious pearl in an oyster shell could have saved this.
With all that being said, sticking the text "It's Not Easy Being Green" near Kate Hudson's crotch area was kind of genius. Anna Wintour knows what's up with Kate's fuck life.
VIA The Fashion Spot
So check your state or country laws before your fuck parts start salivating over him. You do not want to share a cell with Roman Polanski, because he looks like a snorer....and a night farter. Anyway, here's the wolfie boy from Twilight getting wet and jumping around during a Rolling Stone photo shoot in Malibu yesterday.
Whenever I see this dude, he's always bouncing in the air like the ground is filled with Parasite Hilton's toxic cooch warts. It's like he's got springs instead of bones. If he flips around like that on the sand, imagine what he can do on your... Actually, don't imagine that before checking with Chris Hansen first.
Earlier this week, Elizabeth Taylor got on her Twitter to ask all of you to quit thinking about dicks or vaginas for a minute (I know that was hard) and say a little prayer for her. Elizabeth went into the hospital to get a leaky heart valve fixed. Well, the surgery went off without a hitch and Elizabeth is back to Twittering. She wrote this last night:
"Dear Friends, My heart procedure went off perfectly. It's like having a brand new ticker. Thank you for your prayers and good wishes. I know they all helped. Love you, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth is now as good as new and will probably outlive silicone. Even though she's all good now, she should continue to take her medicine:
Actually, maybe that's not the best medicine for Liz. That wolf dog's "Ah Ruv Uuuuu" howl will probably be the soundtrack to my nightmares tonight.
VIA Cute Overload