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Look at your window right now. If the streets are littered with heads covered with Urban Decay make-up and Manic Panic, it's because Twitards are exploding over this picture of RPattz and Kristen Stewart touching hands in Paris. The stock for cookie dough will touch the heavens tomorrow, because the Twitards that didn't lose their heads will drown their sorrows in all of Aniston's favorites.

Anyway, here's the those two fancy homeless people at the airport and also leaving their hotel in Paris tonight. Obviously, them touching jack-off hands means that they are secretly married and she's pregnant with their sparkly vampire spawn who is slowly eating her insides. I swear I didn't read the books. Don't you dare accuse me of that!

But seriously, we all know this is just a publicity stunt. RPattz obviously feels the heat in his loins for the Twihard in the sixth thumbnail below.

At a Rolling Stone party in NYC last night, Shakira was the latest ho to prove that dreadlocks are really not for everyone. Dreadlocks should have to approved by a committee of professionals, because these pictures immediately made me think of this:

And then that thought traveled down a terrible tunnel which landed me on this:

If some bitch brought up John Travolta in Battlefield Earth and my hair in the same sentence, I'd immediately induce a "Britney shaving her head" moment. If there weren't clippers nearby, I'd get a serious bull butchie to pretend it's a hairy snatch and chew it off. MAN DOWN CODE 10!

.....there was PIANO BUNNY! Although, it doesn't take a member of Peta to tell you that Piano Bunny obviously didn't want to be in the spotlight.

Here's a clip from 1983 of some terrifying crazy lady, who I'm pretty sure was Dana Carvey's inspiration for the Church Lady, forcing her pet bunny to play the piano. The loontardian even shouts at the poor creature, "PLAY LIKE YOU DID YESTERDAY!" Obviously, Joe Jackson taught this crazy everything he knows about how to pimp out your young.

Hopefully that bunny got her back by shitting in her ears while she slept. A bunny's poo ball can travel to the BRAIN!

VIA Buzzfeed

A bunch of hos who were expecting to hear jokes that were approved by the FCC were in for a real shock on Friday night at Tracy Morgan's show at Carnegie Hall. They must have been expecting Tracy to make jokes about side-eye-giving parrots. But instead, they got a whole lot of filthy nasty dirty offensive shit in their ears. That sounds like beautiful music to me.

According to Gatecrasher, people started fleeing the theater only a few minutes into Tracy's show. Many middle-aged women ran home to fuck their ears with holy water-laced bars of soap after Tracy began making jokes about porn, drugs and gays. When Tracy joked that Obama and Michelle will have the first presidential sex tape out, some of the audience members gasped.

One audience member said, “People seemed to not be laughing at his jokes, but more because they were shocked and appalled with what was coming out of his mouth. There was a continuous flow of people getting up and leaving throughout the show."

Tracy didn't ignore the fact that people were quickly running out of there like they had a bad case of explosive diarrhea. Tracy told the audience, “You want the clean Tracy? Turn on the TV.”

This is why people need to do their research before they go to a show. It's like the time some hot piece invited my ass to his one of his friends in Hamlet. After doing a quick Google search, I learned that shit was over 3 hours long!!!!! So before I left for the theater, I packed a bag filled with a neck pillow, a beef jerky variety pack, a beaker full of Franzia, a pee bottle and a pair of eyeball sunglasses (for naps).

When Miss J isn't pursing his lips (you choose which pair) at the judge's table on America's Next Top Model, he's chasing a 7-year-old boy around in stiletto heels. If you're having trouble imagining that picture. Just think of an extra feathery ostrich trying to catch a screeching mouse. There.

On The MeMeMeMeMe Show today, Miss J told TyTy Banks that he's the co-father of a 7-year-old boy.

It all started when a friend asked Miss J and his boyfriend to donate a drop of their creme de la cock so that she could bake a baby in her womb. Miss J explained, "A French lesbian had asked if we would be sperm donors. "So we thought, 'OK, you want me to do you?' And she was like, 'Ooooh, I'm not that talented.' So I said, 'Okay fine.' So we did a little test tube."

Miss J's ex-boyfriend is the boy's bio-daddy, but he's still involved in his life. Miss J said that his refined manners have started to rub off on his son, "He was toilet-trained at a year and three months. He refuses to drink out of plastic and will use only glass. He insists on wearing nice shoes. I think somehow my fashion genes must have slipped in there."

Cut to me wearing one stained sock (I don't know where the other one went) and sipping from a plastic 2-liter Coke bottle filled with water (I'm too lazy to get up to refill a glass all the time). Basically, Miss J's 7-year-old son is fancier than I am. I wonder if Miss J is taking applications?

VIA UsWeekly

We all (aka just me) know Shauna Sand as the most naturally beautiful creature in the universe and as the sole reason why lucite twinkles under a strip club's spotlight. But sometimes we forgot that the Empress of Lucite is a devoted role model to three girls. Shauna reminded us of this last night when she dropped one of her daughters off to visit her father Lorenzo Lamas at a restaurant in Los Angeles.

Since Shauna has no feeling in most of her body parts, she didn't notice when her "Total Eclipse of the Nipple" popped out of the crocheted doily she was wearing as a dress. When Shauna finally realized her nipple was assuming the elegant position, she simply smiled for the cameras, because she was so happy to share her beauty with the world.

And what kind of message does this send to her daughter? It tells her daughter to always wear turtlenecks when she goes out in public and to run for the nearest police station if a plastic surgeon ever gets near her. See! Shauna really is an amazing role model.

FINALLY! An entire site devoted to calling out bitches for making "duckface" aka "queef face" aka "pruneface." Although, I know my picture will show up on that shit soon. - Antiduckface (via Buzzfeed)

One of the Twilight hos got nekkid for Peta. Tell your sex holes to calm down, because it's not RPattz - Egotastic!

Tila Tequila has no idea who the Yankees are, right? She just wanted a reason to do ho shit - Hollywood Tuna

Jakey G should have charmed the ostrich by doing the "Dance of the Hours" from Fantasia. You know he knows that shit - Towleroad

Xtina cut the polyester out - Just Jared

The Gossip Girl threesome was about as sexy as one of Hilary Duff's gigantic Chiclets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

St. Angie's angel-carried chariot must be in the shop - Popsugar

The older version of Kate Bosworth runs - Lainey Gossip

When you see the words "Pamela Anderson" you should know that pictures of her saggy nalgas will follow - Hollywood Rag

Cereal killers - Cityrag

Jon Gosselin needs to take his case to Judge Judy so she can turn him inside/out - ICYDK

Brit Brit's bits make Joel Madden walk out of an interview - Celebitchy

Jerry Stiller just found his next starring vehicle - Paste

It ain't a real Full House reunion unless Kimmy Gibbler is front and center - SOW

Not since Heather Mills have the Beatles been so violated - Socialite Life

Maybe the lady thought Kim Kardashian was pregnant in her ass? It's an honest mistake - I'm Not Obsessed

Vadge goes to Brazil to meet Baby Jesus' mother....who is young enough to be her daughter - Holy Moly!

The return of Geisy Arruda - Jezebel

Today is Sesame Street's big 4-0, which means it won't be long before we see Big Bird riding around in a new red Corvette with a young trophy ho and Oscar the Grouch shopping at Ed Hardy with Jon Gosselin. No, this will never happen, because Sesame Street will forever be an 8-year-old stoner. Thankfully.

Celebrate Sesame Street's birthday by hugging a Muppet. And if you don't have a Muppet near you, hugging Christian Bale will do. It's just like hugging Kermit.

I had a hard time trying to figure out my favorite Sesame Street clip, but then one of my friends sent me the one below. I've never seen it, but it's now at the top of my list. Let this girl serenade you as she takes her pet llama to the dentist in NYC to get his busted up grill fixed.

If you think about it, this shit is kind of fucked up. Why does this chick have a llama in NYC? And why is the dentist dude totally cool with a big animal strolling into his office? They are all stoned (even the llama). That's the only explanation.

You can always count on Sesame Street to get you high without having to call your dealer.