Archives

Christmas is coming twice this year! The first Christmas will be held on December 3rd when MTV debuts the greatest piece of guido art since True Life: I Have A Jersey Shore House called JERSEY SHORE! It's fitting that this is premiering in December, because the baby Jesus would have definitely wanted one of the Three Kings to bring him a copy of this amazingness.

I was already sold on this from the beginning, but that guido's pit stain pretty much confirmed to me that I need to propose marriage to this clip. And to the guido in the black t-shirt, I'm already the lead graveyard shift supervisor of HATING. Fist pumping!

And if you need a little guido elegance to hold you over until December, click here and here.

VIA Flavorwire

Asshole Simpson is already a failed lip-syncher, a failed jig dancer, a failed baby namer, a failed Gwen Stefani-wannabe, a failed TV star and now she's adding yet another credit to her glittery resume: failed clothing designer. Yes, Ashlee is obviously trying to get into Guinness Book of World Records as having the most failures in one lifetime. Ashlee does have to step up her fail game since her sister is already ahead of her. Anyway...

According to Star Magazine (via Digital Spy), Ass is ready to launch her own clothing line just like Jessica. A source said, "Ashlee wants to start a clothing line. She wants it to be both preppy and punk rock. She thinks she can really succeed in fashion."

I'm pretty sure "succeed" would never RSVP to a party thrown by Ashlee Simpson. Oh, I shouldn't be so hard on her. She should reach for her dreams. I'm sure there's many women out there who need more clothes to throw into their "crap to wear when you're on your period" pile.

He’s a movie star, he is married, and he is gay. Out of respect for his wife, though, he only allows a boy in his bed when either one of the couple is traveling. Thoughtful, right? Well, it’s rather creepy, because the last couple of guys he has been with bear a strange resemblance to his wife. So is he picking the boys because they resemble his wife, or did he pick his wife because she resembles the kind of boy he likes? Hard to say, but in either case, he has no intention of coming out of the closet any time soon. Oh, and yes, they are practically boys. He likes them young, but is pretty careful about them being of legal age. (Blind Gossip)

Since both Jada Pinkett and Stepford Katie can kind of pass for twink gay porn stars in the right light, my guess is Tommy Girl or Will Smith?

This married A list television reality producer has always had a revolving door policy when it comes to the women with whom he has sex. However it seems that he has finally found just one woman he wants to have as his mistress and has cast the others aside. He wants to remain faithful to this mistress who also happens to be a B list reality star who seems to never have a boyfriend that sticks. Now you know why. (CDAN)

Mark Burnett and Ceiling Eyes? This is my guess, because he's producing her next reality shit show.

This famous celebrity husband (mostly known for comedy) with a non-famous wife has convinced his spouse that every couple in Hollywood has threesomes. His wife was incredibly reluctant and refused for years, but he’s threatened divorced and told her that bringing in another partner into their marriage just comes with the territory when you marry someone famous. Our source says the wife seems really insecure about the marriage and worried that she is going to lose the star, has finally decided to hire a prostitute for his upcoming birthday. Not Steve Carell. (BuzzFoto)

I think every celebrity couple is already past threesomes. That's vanilla to them. They're already on gang bang orgies with farm animals. Anyway, my guess is the obvious: Charlie Sheen? Or maybe Adam Sandler?

When Emanuel Ungaro saw the pictures from LiLo's first collection as Ungaro's "artistic adviser," he didn't exactly lick his nipples or pinch his peen hole in delight. Instead he found the nearest coffin, got in it and then rolled over. Basically, he's not happy.

Ungaro sold the fashion house which shares his name back in 2005. He hasn't had any contact with the label since then. At a film festival in Lisbon, Ungaro was asked what he thought about the collection. He answered, "Lindsay Lohan's collaboration was a disaster. I am furious but I can't do anything about it. Ungaro is in the process of losing its soul. That happens to a lot of designers. We were the creators and patrons, responsible for the creation and destiny of our houses. But when we gave up our houses, we gave up our souls."

So LiLo is Maryann the soul-sucking Maenad from True Blood? I always wondered why everyone around LiLo had black pupils. Now that Ungaro mentions it, it all makes sense.

VIA The Cut

JLo has farted all over her first ex-husband's big dream of having a real life after her (his words). Ojani Noa was planning to turn an 11-hour honeymoon tape he made with JLo back in the day into a mockumentary, but a judge has put a stop sign in front of his plans.

JLo's team of attorneys and Ojani, who represented himself, faced off in court yesterday to battle over the tape which includes footage of JLo waltzing around in panties and getting spanked. The judge ruled in favor of JLo and granted her a temporary restraining order banning any parts of the tape from seeing anyone else's eyeballs.

Outside of the court, Ojani told the NYDN he was sad. Ojani blamed JLo for RUINING HIS LIFE and keeping him down. Ojani cried, "She is destroying my life. This is another proof of her power and money trying to stop me from moving on with my life. I'm not making any money from these videos. This is about having a closure. It's my story."

The movie was going to be about Ojani's life as a Cuban immigrant. Ojani and the producers were going to use the tape as inspiration and weren't planning to sell it.

This isn't Ojani's first time getting shut down by JLo. Two years ago, JLo stopped him from releasing a tell-all book.

Ojani also believes he got shafted in their divorce settlement since JLo hired a bunk ass attorney to represent him, "I don't really believe in my (2005) agreement. My lawyer wasn't a real lawyer, he went to jail."

It sounds to me like Ojani is angry and confused. You know what's the best medicine for that? Ojani needs to put on some early Alanis Morrissette, heat up the tip on a pair of tweezers on the stove top, get in front of a mirror, take a deep breath and PLUCK AWAY ALL HIS FRUSTRATIONS! Ojani needs to pretend each one of those hairs is JLo and just pluck her out of his life! Maybe he will still feel like shit afterwards, but at least he won't have two furry landing strips over his eyes anymore.

Men who look like old lesbians: The Tommy Cooze edition - Just Jared

Katharine McPhee or Carolina Herrera after a face-lift? - Hollywood Tuna

Ashley Greene in Maxim - Egotastic!

Fire on ice - Popsugar

James Franco's GH promo needs more bare nipples - Lainey Gossip

Did Glee's main gay skip back into the glass closet? - Towleroad

Aubrey O'Day and her new Wino-approved lips keep it elegant in Maxim (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Gay - Holy Moly!

St. Angie isn't hanging up on Jon Voight's face anymore - I'm Not Obsessed

Kristin Cavallari wearing Justin Bobby's long ass hairs as a vest - Hollywood Rag

Lindsay Lohan is a cutter. Michael Lohan wants you to know that - Celebitchy

Julianne Hough is singular now - SOW

Winona Ryder is still working - ICYDK

Javier Bardem, just because - Socialite Life

Let's celebrate Demi Moore's birthday by staring at her vintage bear rug - Cityrag

Amy Wino used a lot of her booze fund to purchase her man-made chesticles and her pumped up lips, so she's going to get her money's worth by strutting them all over town. Last night, Wino stuffed her silicone sacks into a bra and took them out for a stroll around her old snorting grounds of Camden. Wino's new chichi balls are so powerful that they ripped through that wife beater. Or maybe her tank top was just trying to escape. Yeah, that was probably it.

Here's the next cover girl for Judy Blume's Freckle Juice trying not to fall over while balancing two medicine balls on her chest yesterday.

Kim Kardashian needs to walk around like this on a full-time basis. This is definitely a bitch I could go to T.G.I. Fridays with after work and guzzle on Electric Lemonades while freaking on our bar stools to Starpoint. And on the ride home, I'd promise to be polite and barf in the seat pocket in the back of her '87 Nissan Sentra (in metallic baby blue). That's what the back pocket is for.

Kim dropped the low-budget skankness and brought the beauty for an episode of E!'s Secret Celebrity. Kim wrote on her blog that the result of her 3-hour makeover was "kind of scary." Um. No. The regular Kim is really scary. This trick right here is all sorts of glamorous.

And for some strange reason, Kim also decided to post a never-before-seen still from her sex tape:

Make sure to avert your eyes when you get to the checkout counter at the grocery store this week unless you're okay with being violated by a St. Angie ORGY! It must be "Shit On St. Angie Week," because she is on the cover of almost all the tabloids this week. Was Balloon Boy or the Gosselins' gardener not available for interviews? DAMN. To quote the wisest woman on reality TV, Zoila from Flipping Out: "YOU CRAZY JEFF!"

Anytheywillallgotohellforthis, let's see what the tabloids have to say:

UsWeekly says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): If you replaced Angie with Alexis Carrington and Aniston with Krystle Carrington, I would've bought hundreds of copies of this shit. Seriously, Aniston & Angie will never be the Alexis & Krystle of this generation! I don't see them fighting in fountains and slapping each other with their Nolan Miller clutch bags.

OK! says that Angie is adopting a baby without Brad: St. Angie has already picked out a baby friend from Syria, but Brad does not want a different flavor of baby barf landing on his beard. Brad is telling friends that he's not ready for child #2,345,745. Brad can't St. Angie from putting together the most powerful child army on the planet, because she's going to GIT THAT BABEH without him.

The National Enquirer says that Angie fell down because she weighs less than a fetus: Ding! Ding! Ding! I think we found the new spokesperson for Life Alert! According to the Enquirer, St. Angie is 5'7" and weighs in at 104lbs. After St. Angie collapsed, Brad is worried and wants her to get some help to deal with her "emotional demons." And I think Brad needs to get help for using the phrase "emotional demons." Let's not make that the new over the moon. NO.

Life & Style says that Angie is faker than a porn star's orgasm: Let me quote Jennifer Aniston's thoughts on this one: DUH.

Star Magazine says that Angie still hates Jen (and vice versa): See UsWeekly.