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It's nice to see that Andre Agassi's old wig is still getting work these days. It really brings out the "dopey" in Derek Jeter's eyes, right? Anyway, here's Jeter on Coney Island today shooting a cameo as a homeless dude in Marky Marky and Will Ferrell's new movie The Other Guys.

Derek Jeter as a homeless man is really fucking ironically hilarious (embrace the sarcasm), because in real-life he could buy hundreds of homeless people to take turns plucking his ass hairs out one by one. Actually, that's really depressing. Let's just go back to pointing and farting on that mop of cat tails on his head.

And duh, I'd even hit that shit from the front while wearing that gutter ass wig.

29-year-old Joshua Basso was sitting in his room at the local boarding house in Tampa, FL when his genitals started percolating and he was in the mood for a little phone fucking. But there was a minor problem. Joshua's LG cell phone was completely out of minutes. Fear not, a light bulb appeared over Joshy's peen and he decided to try his luck by calling 911. Obviously, Josh is not known in his circle for coming up with brilliant ideas.

The St. Petersburg Times reports that Josh started getting all dirty with the female operator. He asked her to do sex with him and also wanted to know what her breasts were like. When the operator hung on him, Josh called back four times. Well, the police finally came (punned on purpose) to Josh's room and arrested him. Josh wouldn't admit if he was polishing his pole while talking to the operator. However, Josh did admit that he called 911 for phone sex, because it's the only number that is free.

I understand that when you gotta cum, you gotta cum, but DAMN! Wait. Unless it was always Josh's plan to get thrown into a jail cell, because he knew there was a chance his biscuit would get tapped by a sausage in there. If that's the truth, then change the headline of this post to "Brilliant Horny Bitch of the Day."

This actor has been fighting off rumors about his sexuality for years. That’s why it is curious that he isn’t publicly announcing that he is engaged to be married to a very pretty girl. You would think that he would want to shout it from the hill tops, and soak up all the hetero kudos it would bring him. Instead, he’s keeping it very quiet. We can only think of three reasons for this. First, that he is not as committed as the engagement implies. Second, that he doesn’t want to scare off potential gay partners. Third, that he doesn’t want any attention. Wait, scratch that last one. He loves the limelight. We smell disaster all over this one. (Blind Gossip)

My first thought was George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis. But if this was case, we would know because Sarah Larson would have gotten wind of this and ran through the streets pulling her hair out.

This engaged star goofed up last month. Although he is set to be married sometime in the future, and seems like a devoted boyfriend, we hear he had a little ’slip’ in a nightclub bathroom. Our source said the cheating happened in the men’s room, but will not comment if the other person involved was male or female. Not John Krasinski. (BuzzFoto)

Javier Bardem? Chris Noth? Or that Bachelor dude?

Which former TV host shocked patrons at LA’s Voyeur night club on October 29 when he debuted his new face? Sources say he recently got a hush-hush eyelift that made him unrecognizable. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

I'm to go with Charles Perez, just because I really wanted to bring up his name again.

Besides a firing squad full of shooters with Tourettes, the only thing missing from the nauseating never-ending Gosselin soap opera has been a sex tape. Personally, I was hoping a sex tape featuring Aunt Jodi and Kate Gosselin's rabid possum hair would leak first, but Jon Gosselin has beat them to the barf. According to the National Enquirer, Jon's bodyguard Thomas Meinelt has seen a fuck tape starring the Stay Puft Douchebag and some ho that was rented from Craigslist. Thomas died seven days later. NO, he's still alive and he's apparently going to testify in TLC's lawsuit against Jon.

Stephanie Santoro, a former Gosselin nanny and one of Jon's fuck friends, said that Thomas told her about the sex tape, "Tom told me that Jon was secretly videotaped having sex with a woman in Los Angeles in October, and he's seen the tape! Tom said people close to Jon put a camera in his hotel room, and paid a girl to flirt with Jon and have sex with him. He also told me that he saw Jon snort cocaine on more than one occasion, and that the more Jon got into partying, the more cocaine he used!"

If this is true, then whoever recorded that mess needs to be thrown into the chokey for the rest of their life. That is mass murder in the first degree. Imagine all the eye balls and stomachs that will die a slow death while watching Jon ram his soggy fish stick peen into some hooker's vag. All of us will suddenly develop an allergic reaction to dough.

Although, the ones that don't become a member of the American Foundation for the Blind after watching Jon's sex tape can use it to improve their gag reflex.

Not only are Asshole and Pete sharing skinny jeans and tampons, but now they are sharing hair dye - Popsugar

Brooke Hogan may finally get a magazine cover now- Towleroad

File this with the rest of RiRi's nip "on purpose" slips - Egotastic!

Rachel McAdams might play a black pussy in Spiderman 4 - Lainey Gossip

SHIT IS ME! I mistook Kellie Pickler for Christina Hendricks. My nipples will never forgive me for this - Just Jared

Did ScarJo's chichis shrink or is black that slimming? - Hollywood Tuna

A truly beautiful Jennifer Aniston picture (but she has nothing to do with it) - Cityrag

How can Joe Perry deny a motherfucker rainbow? - Hollywood Rag

Robin Wright Penn or Demi Moore on too much testosterone? - ICYDK

George Clooney's beard works the famewhore stroll (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A treasure chest full of caca-covered gems from Professor Whore Face - Celebitchy

No more Hank. No more Dollhouse. Your TV won't even notice - SOW

The good news is that Coleen Rooney's baby got a shot of whiskey in his titty leche - Holy Moly!

Nicole Kidman suffocating her ice balls at the CMAs - Socialite Life

Meanwhile, Balloon Boy and his brothers are still being raised by two brain-dead fucktards. That is a life sentence! - I'm Not Obsessed

And here we have 18 pairs of smiling lips from the Clemson Women's Rowing Team, who are happy because they just won first place at the Head of Cooch. I mean, Head of Hooch. HOOCH! Although, if there was such a thing as the Head of Cooch, they would've won first place there too.

Image via Deadspin (Thanks to Mara for the camel stampede)

The full cast of the UK's I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here was announced this morning, and unfortunately Detective La Toya Jackson isn't going to make it to the jungle after all. But glamour model turned pop icon turned gayelle champion Samantha Fox will! That means we will finally get that jungle acoustic version of "I Wanna Have Some Fun."

The cast also includes a bunch of hos I've never ever heard of. I took a few shots of the sweet nectar (for clarity) and I still have no clue. I need Detective La Toya to solve the mystery of some of these people's careers. Here they are:

Stuart Manning of Hollyoaks - No clue.
Lucy Benjamin formerly of EastEnders - No clue.
Sabrina Washington formerly of Mis-Teeq - No clue.
Gino D'Acampo, celebrity chef - No Clue.
Justin Ryan and Colin McAllister, interior designers and reality stars - Yes. I know these bitches.
George Hamilton, a leather duffel bag - Yes. I know this bitch.
Kim Woodburn of How Clean Is Your House? - Yes. I know this bitch.
Camilla Dallerup of Strictly Come Dancing - No Clue.
Jimmy White, snooker star - No Clue.

Katie Price, who was already on that shit a few years ago, is expected to join the cast in a couple of weeks. But first, Katie has to finish getting her monthly maintenance in Los Angeles (tits rotated, vagina resuscitated, lips plumped, etc....). Pictures below.

This season of America's Next Top JCPenney Newspaper Supplement Model: The Midge Edition is getting the worst ratings in the show's history. So TyTy Banks is shaking things up in order to get hos watching again. Gatecrasher reports that Miss J Alexander has been kicked off of the judge's table and will go back to coaching the girls on the correct way to sashay on the runway.

Joining TyTy and Nigel Barker as head judges will be Kimora Lee Simmons and Vogue's Sultan of Side-Eyes Andre Leon Talley. Kimora was a judge on the first season of ANTM, but she was replaced by Janice Dickinson for whatever reason (aka TyTy fired her).

So, Andre Leon Talley, Kimora Lee Simmons and TyTy will all be sitting together....in the same room....in a row. CODE EGO. The fire department better be on hand at all times just in case these three bump heads. If they do, there will be an explosion of epic proportions and Nigel's sexy ass will find himself trapped in a pile of weaves, paper fans, tarantula lashes and Spanx. And that's just from Andre Leon Talley!

Since Andre is involved in Top Model now, does that mean the winner will get a spread in Vogue Antarctica?

Last night's Country Music Awards crowned Taylor Swift as their new princess by giving her a bunch of awards including Entertainer of the Year. Taylor became the youngest youngin' to win the top prize. Unfortunately, Kanye West couldn't attend, but he was there in spirit. And by that I mean every single person who took the stage made a Kanye joke. It's the joke that will roam this earth long after we're all dead. Kanye obviously needs to come and snatch the spotlight off this joke for once and for all. See what I mean? It's an epidemic.

Because Kanye wasn't there to wet queef on Taylor's parade, Wynonna Judd decided to take the helm. When USA Today asked Wynonna what she thought about Taylor winning big, she answered, “You want my honest comment? It’s too much too soon. Time is God’s way of keeping everything from happening at once. It’s just too much of a good thing too soon. My thing is, being a home-school mom, I want kids to earn it, and I think some time ... ‘cause mom and I rode in a car for the first year of our career to visit radio stations. There was a making of the star, there was a rising up, and the fans went with us. Now it’s over coffee breaks, the success, almost. You have to play catch up ... It’s like the girl who wins an Oscar and she’s under 20. What do you do from here?”

Point taken, Nonna. Wynonna is the spokesbutt for Alli, so that pretty much explains why she has a minor case of the grouches. If you needed to stick a wine cork in your asshole so it would stop leaking runny shit all the time, you would act the same way. Alli effs you up. Look at Nonna! The Alli-induced poo isn't content on just leaking out of her b-hole anymore. It's also starting to seep out of her pores.

While you take a moment to glance through these pictures of Taylor, Nonna and her absolutely breathtaking mother Naomi at last night's awards, I'm going to go and adjust the wine cork in my no-no.

“In terms of the quality and consistency of the product, I would compare us to an In-N-Out. We hope to have the same type of following.” - The owner of Fresh-N-Fast, a new burger joint that opens in Manhattan later this month.

Somebody fuck me in the eye with a Double Double, because all I'm seeing here is a shanty clone of the beloved In-N-Out (aka the West Coast heaven). You cannot recreate perfection. It's like pulling a bottom tier stripper out of the beer room of a titty club off the highway and declaring her new the new Empress of Lucite just because you stuffed her feet into a pair of exquisite lucite heels. Okay, bad example.

The owner of Fresh-N-Fast (I can't with that name) even said they are putting together a "special sauce." Don't be surprised if they name it "mammal style."

The saddest part is that you know I'm going to "accidentally" stumble into this place one lonely night. I will shuffle up to the counter and say, "Don't tell me your real name. DON'T. Just tell me your name is In-N-Out. Lie to me. It'll make this easier." Then I'll throw my money down on the counter and devour that fraud in waxed paper while pretending it's the real thing. When I get home that night, I'll run to the shower and cry cry cry while the hot water tries to cleanse me of my cheating ways. Desperate times.....

Source: Grub Street