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When Nicole Kidman hit the red carpet with Keith Urban at the CMAs the other night, some people made the sign of the cross and hissed at her face. Basically, everyone thought her lips looked like something you'd find swimming in the waters of Lake Karachay (aka the most toxic spot on Earth).

One witness told Page Six, "She looked freakish. She just had her lips done, and now she looks like Meg Ryan."

Personally, I thought Nicole kind of looked like she breathed oxygen for once. If she was a flower, she'd still be of the plastic variety, but she's not the second coming of Jocelyn Wildenstein. Yet. She still has time for that.

Nicole's titty situation on the other hand..... Those things looked like two babies being smothered! Someone should have called Child Protective Services. Unless, such a thing as Chichis Protective Services exists?

At a Jonas Brothers concert in Madrid on Wednesday night, a dude crashed the stage and took his shirt off while being chased by a couple of bumbling bodyguards. Lauren & Hardy they ain't!

Hopefully, this dude had a good explanation for his therapist.

Either he wanted to take their purity rings off with his asshole, or he went absolutely crazy from being at a Jonas Brothers concert. It has to be the latter. When he realized where he was, he stormed the stage in hopes that he could rip the cords and stop the fucking madness!

Naw. It was totally my first guess.

via TMZ

He is the lead actor of a current television series. He comes across as such a nice normal guy that it is hard to believe he is really odd behind closed doors. He likes it rough. No, not like “spank my butt” rough. More like “use your stiletto heel to step on my privates” rough. He can’t get his wife to engage in these activities, but there are several women on the side with four-inch heels at the ready. (Blind Gossip)

I really hope he prefers lucite heels or I just can't with him. My guesses are: Jon Hamm (we all wish, or do we?), Matthew Fox, Michael C. Hall or Tony Shalhoub?

This actress/member of band/reality star recently had an operation to restore a good portion of one of her ears. She and her boyfriend got into an argument. He got her in a headlock and pulled all of her earrings out without removing the backs. With makeup and her long hair she can hide it from a distance but up close it is a mess and parts of her ear are a different color than others. (CDAN)

THE FUCK?! You guess while I go sing my ears a comforting lullaby.

While hawking out her new perfume called "Vintage," Kate Moss was asked by WWD what one of her mottos is. Kate replied:

"There are loads. There's 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.' That's one of them."

Why does this trick sound like my mother when I'm about to bite into a delicious glazed donut? Buzz killer.

Obviously, Kate has never eaten anything off the menu from Claim Jumper, Olive Garden, Red Lobster, IHOP, Chili's, Marie Callender's, Applebees, Coco's, Wafflehouse, Cracker Barrel, El Torito, Old Spaghetti Factory, Panda Express, any State Fair or (insert the name of every restaurant who has fried anything on the menu).

via HuffPo

Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot involves a hockey stick. I hope the hockey stick is on birth control - Towleroad

Tricia Helfer in a state of what you might call "totally fucking nekkid" - Egotastic!

Fergie should use that finger for better things, like plugging up her leaky beaver - Hollywood Tuna

The paint is drying - Popsugar

Wake me when the pictures from New Moon's Chernobyl premiere come out - Lainey Gosisp

RiRi almost gets scratched out by a cat - Just Jared

There's only one way to settle this: a cage match between Colbert and a jar of Miracle Whip - Best Week Ever

SamRo and her new piece (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Indiana Jones and the Wig Crypt of Doom - Hollywood Rag

Some bitch tried to get a bunch of cash out of Cindy Crawford - I'm Not Obsessed

Chris Pine is Breakout Something of the Year - ICYDK

Stephen Colbert shaves Woody Harrelson's bald spot for the troops - Celebitchy

Even shiny unicorns and smiley suns can't distract us from LiLo's meth face - Cityrag

Mimi and her friend bump guts - Socialite Life

Since Alien Princess RiRi is obviously a member of the Illuminati, keep a glass of holy water close by while watching this. If you don't have holy water, any brand of vodka will do.

I'm sure that RiRi's video for "Russian Roulette" is full of Chris Brown metaphors, but it's Fuck All Friday, so we'll let Detective La Toya Jackson figure it out. We'll also let her figure out what the hell is going on this video. Okay, I'll try....

Let's see, RiRi plays Russian Roulette with some hot piece, he goes down, she arrested, she brings the emotion to some guard who could give a dick, she makes herself bleed by touching herself (ILLUMINATI!) and then she gets gassed by a gay club smoke machine? OH.KAY.

And don't even ask me about the scene where she's performing in Cirque De Soleil's "O." When the hell did she find the time to do that?

VIA ONTD

This is a clip from CBS' Early Show of a kinky ass beaver (we'll call Fergie Ferg) sending piss drops into a woman's eye without taking her to dinner first.

Um. R.Kelly, pull your panties back up! It's not that kind of clip.

VIA Buzzfeed

No, this is not another post about the trials and tribulations of LiLo (see below). This is Dale Bozzio's mug shot as provided by TMZ. DAMN. When did Dale fall down the Lohan hole?! Being crazy really fucks with your beauty.

Dale turned herself in to New Hampshire police last night to begin serving 90 days for animal cruelty. In case your cat already hypnotized you to forget about this story, Dale was charged with animal cruelty after dozens of dead cats were found in her house.

And I think we need to call the ASPCA again, because I'm pretty sure there's still a couple more dead cats lying on the top of her head.

LiLo uses her fingers for all sorts of things (i.e. clitty tickling, cokey sampling, Twittering etc...), but using them to take out her to pay for things is not one of them. Usually, when LiLo snatches something, she just walks out with it like it magically dropped out of her snatch. But at Hollywood's Crown Bar last week, LiLo pulled out a different trick.

According to Pop Tarts, LiLo ordered a bottle of champagne towards the end of the night. When the cocktail waitress asked her to pay up for it, LiLo pointed at Kellan Lutz from Twilight and told her to put it on his bill. Shortly after that, LiLo waltzed out of the place without ever paying for the bottle.

Ha. I'm tempted to try that trick, but with my luck I'd end up in the basement of the club with two gigantic hairy men standing over me. It would not be rainbows and kittens. And I also really don't need another anal rejuvenation surgery.

Here's our little champagne robber at some party last night and also leaving Nachos' (Wonky's ex) house at 7 this morning. I will simply say that she looks like she recently had a whore bath in the sink of an AM/PM restroom, so she's looking better than usual.

ATMs everywhere give Nicolas Cage the side-eye whenever he strolls up, because they know he's on his way to the poor house. Nicolas' checking account is coming up short thanks to buying stupid ass crap like real shrunken heads, a $500,000 car and two King Cobras. Nicolas Cage is a walking E! True Hollywood Story: MC Hammer.

Since Nicolas needs a check I was waiting for him to announce that he's the new Cash4Gold spokeswhore, but he doesn't have to do that now. With a friend like Johnny Depp, Nicolas doesn't have to peddle that ass to the highest bidder.

A source told The Daily Express that when Johnny Depp learned that Nicolas owed almost $7 million in unpaid taxes, he stuck his hand out for his old friend. You know, if Johnny Depp offered me a hand, my ass lips would be kissing his palm faster than you could scream, "CALL 911!" I digress.

Johnny feels that he owes Nicolas everything since he's the reason why he got Nightmare on Elm Street. Nicolas introduced Johnny to his agent and the rest history.

The source went on to say, “Johnny called Nic and basically told him not to worry and he’d help him and sort everything out. Johnny feels he owes his career to Nic and now wants to repay him – if Nic agrees. Johnny has never forgotten what Nic did for him.”

Johnny Depp is a wonderful man with a penis of gold, but he needs to put his checkbook away. Nicolas Cage did this shit to himself by buying useless crap like King Tut's nutsack and Cleopatra's clit. It's called EBAY, Nicolas! Shit, I'm sure Nicolas' own son, Kal-El Coppola Cage, would give him a few million dollars to legally change his name to something that doesn't make people shake their heads out of pity.