Archives

File this under: Things we've always wanted, but never knew it until it was dropped on our foreheads.

Here's the eagerly-awaited (in our subconscious) cover of Queen's "Bohemian Rapsody" by Miss Piggy (featuring The Muppets). You know that bitch is the star.

After watching this from beginning to end, I can say wholeheartedly that the next season of American Idol should only star Muppets. The same goes for the next season of Dancing with the Stars..... and X-Factor.... and America's Got Talent.... and etc...etc..etc...

(via every website on the internet)

Once you're done with your turkey baster this Thanksgiving, ask a dude in your family to drop a load of baby batter into it and then send it off to OctoMommy, because she's saying that she's "open" to having BABIES!! again someday.

In an interview with GMA (via Radar), OctoCrazy was asked about putting her uterus through more torture and she responded with: "If I wanted to do it the traditional way and get married. That's like another chapter." If OctoCrazy ever gets to that bridge, she needs to jump off of it instead of crossing it.

Even if she does get married, she shouldn't even be allowed to kiss him on the open mouth for fear that she will get knocked up again. Seriously, from now on it's only Christian side hugs for OctoMommy:

And even then, she better wear a lady condom while doing it!

Image via NY Times (Thanks to Paul for the terrifying video)

Jennifer Aniston can stop spending her nights rehearsing for the impending dance-off with St. Angelina, because it looks like the holy one has a new arch rival she's throwing the shank eye at. According to UsWeekly, St. Angie would rather make Maddox give her "The Rachel Cut" while watching Leprechaun on a loop than vote for Obama.

A source (aka Jon Voight after sucking up a bunch of helium) said these fighting words, "She hates him. She's into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise. Angie isn't Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors."

Even though St. Angie has sucked the hotness out of Brad Pitt, she still isn't powerful enough to suck out his love for Obama. The source went on to say, "They get in nasty arguments all the time about it. She doesn't respect Brad when it comes to politics, but, in the end, this won't tear them apart."

Meanwhile, I'm sure Obama is crying into his bowl of cookie dough and thinking to himself, "What Angelina did was very uncool." But that won't keep him from texting Brad and secretly meeting him in the bars of NYC hotels! However, Obama should ask Aniston who her dance coach is, because that dance-off with Angie can happen any day now. Maddox is itching to press play on the boombox.

I knew there was a good reason for why Chace Crawford's face always looks like heaven's rays are shining upon it while the whispers of angels pass through his golden locks. Okay, I never thought that, but I do now.

The Empress of Lucite tells Star Magazine that she used her exquisite lucite heel to pluck out Chace's plump cherry! Shauna was Mrs. Robinson to Chace's Ben Braddock.

According to Shauna, the two met at a college party in 2003 when Chace was just 18 and she was 32. Shauna said, "He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!" Chace melted into Shauna's arms and the two began a secret love affair which lasted for a year. Shauna even gave Chace a key to her lucite palace.

One of Chace's friends added, "Chace told me, 'Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I'll never forget it!'"

Eventually, Shauna realized that her mission was complete and she fluttered off to continue to spread her beauty to the rest of the world. Chace went on to star in Gossip Girl and the rest is history.

And now Ed Westwick completely understands why Chace always wants him to wear a pair of lucite heels around the house.

Tommy Girl knows how to handle a big loaded gun - Just Jared

Who would you rather titty fuck? - Hollywood Tuna

Isn't Miley Cyrus aware that she's now known as "Noah Cyrus' sister"? - Lainey Gossip

When is Elisabeth Hasselcrack going to "smarten up" and get her lips stapled? - Towleroad

We've already seen Tila Tequila's titties, tampon string and most of her internal organs, so we might as well see her sucking dick (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kim Kardassian should dip the rest of her body in powder so it matches her face - Egotastic!

The truth is Zac Efron wept because they wouldn't cast him as Tinkerbell - Hollywood Rag

A picture from the inside of RPattz's magical forest hair - Cityrag

Ryan Phillipe's nipples are out - Popsugar

Lindsay Lohan, now's your chance! - Celebitchy

Now this is a party - SOW

Hopefully, the producers clear the Big Brother house of all radiators - Holy Moly!

Ear fungus - Socialite Life

RiRi and her Christmas gift bow shoes - ICYDK

Mimi is still as humble as ever - I'm Not Obsessed

If these pictures have been Photoshopped or doused with fakery, don't fart on my buzz by telling me.

After the jump is a touching, thrilling and heroic story of a mother squirrel defending her baby friend from an asshole of a dog! The pictures speak for themselves, but it helps if you play the Jaws theme in the beginning, the Indiana Jones theme in the middle and The Color Purple theme at the end. JUMP!