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I'm sure most of us would love to rip the pants off of Mark Ronson, but you have to ask first and provide him with a hot meal beforehand. You can't just go exposing his gerbil hole to everyone. Which exactly what David Walliams did to him the other night.

At a charity event in London, David (performing as one of his Little Britain characters Des Kaye) decided to have a little fun with SamRo's brother by grabbing at his peen and plums. When Mark shooed him away, David came harder and the two hit the ground. They looked like they were re-enacting a playdate between Tommy Girl and Becks.

In the end, David showed off Mark's hairy end to 3,000 people in the audience. Not only did Mark not appreciate getting molested by David, but he also didn't seem happy that his fancy suit got ripped. Or maybe he was just doing that thing called "acting" since he might have already know that this is part of Des' act. Des is known for pantsing a bitch in front of everyone. If Des came at me like that, I'd whip out the Vaseline and drop it down low.

A still of Mark Ronson's furry pancakes is after the jump. Take off your own pants and JUMP!

Remember the lady who taught us how to give our pussies a rub down? She has returned and this time she's brought a dog friend names Henry Wrinkler (!!!) with her. Yes, she's teaching us how to massage our dogs.

While watching this I started to take notes so that I can give my own dog a massage later on, but then I thought to myself, "Why in anal gland hell should I massage that ho?!" I mean, I already put food in his bowl every day. I even have to heat it up a little bit, because he likes it warm. AND I pick up his shit out in public while he secretly laughs at me. AND I'm even extra quiet in the morning while he's sleeping so I won't wake his lazy ass. AND now this lady is asking me to massage him?!

Where is the video that teaches dogs how to massage humans? I could use a massage. Better yet, if my dog learned how to massage people he could get licensed and then go out get himself a job. That way he could contribute to this household. Barking, burrowing and ass sniffing doesn't pay the bills (Ryan Gaycrest doesn't count).

And after all that ranting, you know I'll be massaging my dog's head tonight while singing him rhymey songs. A sucker IS me.

VIA Everything Is Terrible

Unfortunately for our genitals, Hugh Jackman will not be thrusting his crotch and twirling his peen as host of the Oscars next year. Instead, the producers have hired Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin to serve as co-hosts for the zillion-hour long show. I can already see them dancing cheek-to-cheek during one of the hundred musical numbers.

The producers had this to say for themselves:

“We think the team of Steve and Alec are the perfect pair of hosts for the Oscars. Steve will bring the experience of having hosted the show in the past and Alec will be a completely fresh personality for this event.”

Steve Martin has tamed the hooker known as Oscar before. He hosted twice and even won an Emmy for it. This will be Alec's first time at the wheel.

When I first read that Hugh Jackmeoff wasn't going to come back as host, I was hoping that the producers would completely overhaul the entire show. Since we're in a recession, they should've promoted Phoebe Price from balcony seat filler to host. She could've handed the awards out in the parking lot of Chick-fil A. Now that sounds like a show.

VIA The Wrap

Here's a few outtakes from Harper's Bazaar of Kristen Stewart, her wig and the Keeper of the Magical Forest getting all close. This is also proof that Kristen can't act her way out of any kind of bag even when she tries. Okay, the truth is, I like Kristen's trash bag gown, but only because it reminds me of one of my favorite homeless ladies in NYC. This one hot bitch always ran around the streets wearing a dress made out of Hefty sacks and Ziploc bags. She once called me a "shifty fag." It really was love at first hate.

Anyway, don't let these pictures fool you. RPattz and Kristen are definitely not bumping taints under the sheets. RPattz is only looking at her like that, because he's picturing her as a giant corn on the cob. Corn brings out of his emotions.

The entire country of Japan and every character in Sanrioland held their breath when Mimi tripped while sashaying out to greet Jay Leno last night. If Mimi went down, the stage would've been covered with titties, nipples, Spanx, clamps, dead butterflies and several kinds of tape.

Although, you have to hand it to Mimi, because I doubt most of us could walk on teeny tiny silts while carrying two giant watermelons on our chest. Mimi needs private lessons from The Empress of Lucite.

Not to mention that Mimi was probably a little dizzy in the head due to her stylist sticking a vacuum up her Hello Culo and sucking her in like a Space Bag right before she went out on stage. Clip beeeelow:

This movie actress has been very vocal to inner circle about her clock ticking. She wants to be a bride and have a baby with her current famous beau, ASAP – not necessarily in that order. One warning to the guy: Don’t be a fool. She doesn’t really love you. This is all a game to her. She is actually telling friends and family that she thinks you’re an idiot – but a moldable, rich, famous, good-looking idiot who brings her more attention than she can get as a solo act. She will date you at the peak of your fame, and will lose you as soon as your star fades. Then again, we don’t know why we are warning him about her, when he is almost as bad as her. (Blind Gossip)

Kate Hudson and A-Roidy sounds about right? But I'll throw in Squinty & B.Coop for laughs.

Two marriages. Two cheats. Two men kicked to the curb. Actually from what I heard the first one may have been literally kicked to the curb. The first marriage involves a celebutard and his B list actress wife on a hit television show. He cheats almost constantly and doesn't care who knows it. He knows that his wife doesn't want to be seen as a failure so he takes advantage of that and keeps on cheating. The second marriage is even easier to guess than the first. Actor and a singer. What you might not know though is that the actor has been to scared to even cross paths with his wife except in the most public of places for fear that she will go off on him physically and verbally. To say that she is going through this event quietly would be very wrong. In fact, just this morning everyone in LaGuardia airport could hear her yelling at him on the phone. (CDAN)

For the first couple: Ellen Pompeo & Chris Ivery? For the second couple: Fuggie & Josh Duhamel?

When the idea for this show was invented, there were a lot of people who believed in it. They were worried about getting the concept out there, and even more worried that the networks wouldn’t think it worth their time to produce it. To get this new show off the ground, the creators did a little ‘creative accounting’ to fund the project. They cooked the books a little in order to get the network to pick up on it. Now that this show is a hit, the Production company is scrambling to pay off debts and get things back in order before someone finds out. Not an NBC show. (BuzzFoto)

Glee? And if it's Glee, Mr. Schu and Sue Sylvester should just "leak" a porn. The sales of that would pay off all their bills.

Please take a quick second from sneaking vodka and computer clean shots underneath your desk (in celebration of the theme of the day) to vote for October's Hot Slut of the Month. Make sure to take a few extra shots before voting, because you're going to need a clear head.

And it's voting day for some of us, so your finger should already be used to it. Your choices this month are:

Tenobaila: The premiere ass shaker of YouTube and your mom's greatest hero
Frankie Lons: Former (?) crackhead jailbird turned reality show superstar
Derek J: Swish samurai and expert high-heel strutter
Abuelita Hot Chocolate: Don't even ask or you'll get slapped in your teefs
Deidra Daley Everett: BBW internet supermodel

Voting is in the sidebar to the right as usual. The winning slut will be revealed in a lavish ceremony (not really) on Thursday. Happy Votin' & Boozin' Day!

RiRi's going to be pissed when she sees Chris Brown wearing one of her old outfits on his album cover - Just Jared

The Photoshop Shop Awards: Marisa Miller salutes the troops - Egotastic!

Kellan Lutz even takes his top off for dog magazines - Popsugar

Pitt & Pattz in Tokyo (That should be someone's band name) - Lainey Gossip

Tom Arnold how you've never EVER wanted to see him (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Teen Witch's sister in Nylon Magazine - Hollywood Tuna

Levi Johnston in a Bert & Ernie sandwich - Towleroad

Kate Gosselin is still going - Celebitchy

Daddy Spears seeeeeees you - Hollywood Rag

Mimi's dogs have a dogtourage - I'm Not Obsessed

A judge ruled that Kate Winslet is not the "most irritating actress in the world." That title is already occupied by Katherine Hagel - ICYDK

Nick Zano's ab muscles will probably do a better acting job on Melrose Place than Ashlee Simpson - Socialite Life

PeePeepatra - Holy Moly!

The Weezer Snuggie for the ironic hipster in all of us - SOW

Pussy Swiffer - Cityrag

Kirstie Alley has signed a deal (in donut frosting) with A&E to star in her own reality show. This shit is going to make the bitches on Hoarders, Intervention and Obsessed look like healthy and sane individuals.

Radar says that cameras will start rolling this month. The show will mostly focus on Kirstie's struggle with losing the chunk. And I'm sure the show will also follow Kirstie as she hides in Jamie Foxx's bushes and steals used condoms out of his trash can. Seriously, those of you who have been to the Land of Crazy (aka Kirstie's Twitter page) know what I'm talking about. Kirstie loves Jamie Foxx almost as much as she loves deep fried barley. Almost.

Here's a few recent examples:

"Enough of haters. Haters are lonely little rat people with 3 followers who love to hate also. Let's talk about LOVE stuff. LOVE Mr. Foxx!"

"I'm going to make a big announcement on Oprah TUESDAY..No, I'm not pregnant with Mr. Foxx's love child.....that I know of"

"I think the baby name will be JAIMTIE ALLEY FOXX ...gotta admit it's original...and NO ONE else will steal it!"

"Gotta go make love to Mr. Foxx... He hates it when i keep him waiting.. Be back in 7 hours unless he's over the flu. In which case... 9"

Actually, I'm going to excuse myself now, because that kind of looks like my diary entries about Anderson Cooper. Hmmm...I wonder if the free clinic has opened a psych ward yet?