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Grab everything in your refrigerator's produce bin and bust your ass to Broadway, because Mop Head is going to clean up the stage in Chicago. A smashed tomato will look so lovely all over her head. WHAT?! She can easily clean it up just by wringing her hair out over a bucket.

People is saying that my arch rival (in my head) CHERYL BURKE was at last night's of performance of Chicago and is talking to the producers about playing Roxie Hart in the show this winter. Some source added, “It’s always been a dream of Cheryl’s to perform on Broadway. She’s excited to show off her other talents besides being a good dancer. She’s been vocally trained and she has a great voice.”

And I've been told that my farts have a pretty vibrato, but that doesn't mean my asshole should play Roxie Hart in Chicago. Okay, okay, I'll save my cuntified comments for when I actually hear Mop Head belt one out. Although, my guess is that her voice will cause my finger nails to burst and my ears to shrivel up, so it might be a little difficult sharing my opinion. Besides, everyone knows that when it comes to household cleaning supplies, Swiffer is the one with the voice!

(Thanks to ONTD)

Here's the teaser trailer for Amanda Woodward's long-awaited return to Melrose Place in two weeks. Personally, I'd rather the trailer feature Amanda pushing Asshole Simpson in front of a fast-moving bus driven by Dr. Kimberly Shaw, but this will do too.

And I really hope the writers explain why Amanda suddenly has a face like Billy the Puppet.

Which comedian has a penchant for rent boys? The comic regularly orders £1,000-a-night lads – but is always polite enough to offer them a cup of tea after. Your extra clue: Not many funny men could afford this. (3am)

PLEASE BE DAVID WALLIAMS! PLEASE! If this is him, then I'm packing up my lube collection and moving to the UK to become a tea seller. You didn't think I was going to say rent boy, did you? I am a little realistic. My other guesses are: Russell Brand? Ricky Gervais? Or Noel Fielding?

This B+/A- list closeted television actress from a hit network drama was having drama of her own in the bathroom as her girlfriend was complaining that she felt left out and wanted to meet our actresses friends. Our actress kept her head on a swivel while trying to keep the conversation as quiet as possible. The girlfriend is very, very young and a gorgeous blonde. (CDAN)

Kate The Great Walsh?

This C+/B- list television actress formerly on one of the most interesting shows of all time which is still on the air went around the event asking almost everyone if they had just a little bump of coke she could have to get through the night. Our actress is in the midst of a career transition. (CDAN)

My guess is that the show is Lost, but I've got nothing after that. Michelle Rodriguez is more of a movie actress, but she did recently say that she's going to start writing stuff. Oh hell, I bet it's the polar bear. Definitely the polar bear.

This B/C list Celebrity will announce her upcoming pregnancy soon, but don’t be fooled; it’s a stunt. Sure, it’s legit. There’s a real life baby in her belly, but what her boyfriend doesn’t know is that she skipped her pills on purpose because she feared an impending breakup. We know there are rumors of his wandering eye, and maybe she thought a child would refocus his vision. Not Ashlee Simpson. (BuzzFoto)

If it's LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, we're gonna need a Lifetime mini-series based on this shit.

The Kardashian family made dreams come true yesterday by lining up to get punched out by the luckiest people in the world. The Kardashians agreed to be human (mostly) punching bags for the sake of charity. The beat down party extravaganza, which was held at the Commerce Casino in CA, raised cash for the Dream Foundation.

It sounds like everything went according to God's plan, because Kim took a blow to the face and her brother Rob ended up in the hospital with a busted head. Kim wrote on her blog:

"When Rob stepped in the ring to fight, his opponent was at least 25 lbs heavier than him, even though the organization had assured us that they were screening the people we were fighting against and that they would be within 5 lbs of our weights! At one point Rob's mask fell off and when he put his hands down he got hit in the face and ended up in hospital with a concussion. Rob's a strong guy and can definitely hold his own, but he wasn't expecting to get hit after his mask had fallen off! This guy just got really down and dirty!

We were all really angry and upset about what had happened to Rob, but I hadn't even fought yet and I didn't want to let the charity down, so I decided to get in the ring. My girl was a good sport, but she was tough! I knew I had to do it for charity, since that's what it was all about, but man, my girl could throw a punch! Look at my black eye!!!

At the end of the day, we did this for charity and that's what counts. Rob is doing fine now and my black eye will be gone soon... I hope."

YES KIM, that black eye is absolutely Hostel-like. It's horrific. You better take out a restraining order against the eyeshadow brush that punched you out like that.

And I don't understand how Kim could've lost her bout with an ass like that. Homegirl's ass could easily become the heavyweight champion of the world. All she has to do is wiggle it just a little bit and it would've been an instant KO!

By the way, Khloe Kardashian dropped out at the last minute, because she was too scared. Something in the milk ain't clean about that. My guess is that Khloe's opponent figured out who she was fighting and immediately dug a hole out of that bitch. Khloe could make us all blackout just by growling.

Eddie Cibrian cheated on his wife with LeAnn Rimes, and now Life & Style is saying that he's cheating on her too. Cheating cheat cheats on cheatee. Are your windows rattling? That's from Eddie's wife jumping for joy while quoting Justin Timberlake.

According to Life & Style, Eddie has been doing down low sexy times with aspiring famewhore Scheana Marie Jancan. You may remember Scheana as her most famous role: John Mayer's rebound chick after Aniston.

A source said that Eddie has been secretly boning Scheana on-and-off for the past three years. Right after he started up with LeAnn, Eddie pink-slipped Schaena. But recently Eddie's peen has summoned Schaena back. The source went on to say, "Eddie has recently started seeing Scheana again. He told her he's only with LeAnn for the publicity and that he plans to end things with her soon."

If only LeAnn would stop with the damn squinting, she would've seen this coming a mile away.

And I've had my suspicions, but now I know for a fact that Eddie Cibrian's adult life is produced by Joey Greco.

Kelly Brook proves that pastries are the new pasties - Egotastic!

Rachel Bilson in Flaunt - Hollywood Tuna

Billy Goat Brad is still dressing like that old man who is always hanging out in front of my bodega with an empty cup of coffee and a never-ending cigar - Popsugar

James Franco's GH character is a fan of black. And that's basically all we know about his role - Towleroad

After a short hiatus, Kourtney Kardashian is back to terrorizing us with her pregnancy stories - Celebitchy

Genius Moves: Since Sarah Hardling has been banned from every club for being a drunk wreck, so she's opening her own joint - Holy Moly!

Dancing with the Has-Been's Joanna Krupa has a history of twinkling her toes (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Glamberace likes studs - Just Jared

The many faces of RPattz look like the same one to me - SOW

Kristen Stewart's got a gun - Cityrag

Glee stuff - Lainey Gossip

Nekkid silver fox (not THEE Silver Fox) alert! - OMG Blog

This will only be entertaining if Tater Head plays Bruce - Socialite Life

Pee Wee Herman will always be relevant - Hollywood Rag

Lady CaCa always slaps a rubber on her herm-rod. Good to know. - I'm Not Obsessed

Basically, manslut Josh Duhamel isn't letting a minor thing called "a wedding ring" get in the same of him passing the peen around - ICYDK

It's the attack of the 27ft tranny! This is a giant effigy of Katie Price which will be torched in front of 10,000 people on Saturday. For the past ten years the Edenbridge Bonfire Society has chosen one famewhore to burn at their annual bonfire celebration in Kent. It's like Burning Man, but way sluttier. The free clinic will be standing by to treat anyone who suffers from whore inhalation.

Truthfully, this really doesn't look like Katie Price. I mean, one of her tittays is bigger than that entire thing. They don't do her massive chichis justice at all. This looks more like Alex Redi's tranny alter ego Roxanne. The Edenbridge Bonfire Society should make mini-versions of this which could be used to scare off just about anything.

Since celebwhores are jizzing over the newest craze micro pigs, it's no surprise that Posh & Becks have jumped into the trough and bought their own adorable oink-ers. The Daily Mail says that Posh dropped £1400 on two tiny teacup pigs for her family. The pigs are currently living in luxury at BeckingHAM Palace in England.

Some source claims that Posh wants to name them Elton & David after her friends Elton John and David Furnish. But Becks thinks they should give them the names Pinky & Perky, which are two words that can be used to perfectly describe his voice.

It's a good thing Posh got her schnoz snipped not too long ago. Because if she didn't, she wouldn't be happy waking up to two tiny pigs suckling on her nipples for leche.

Page Six is saying that Sienna Miller was out buying panties this week at Only Hearts in NYC with her ex-fuck buddy DJ Slinky Wizard. There were reports that Sienna recently left DJ Slinky's ass on the curb, because she couldn't deal with a long-distance relationship. It's true. If Sienna's genitals don't get fed every 24 hours, we all suffer.

But some source seems to think Sienna and DJ Slinky rekindled their romance, because they acted like a couple while shopping at Only Hearts. The source added, "George was talking about how he was excited about their plans for the night."

HOWEVER, Gawker claims Sienna was shopping at Only Hearts, but was with Balthazar Getty instead of DJ Slinky Wizard. Also, Sienna and Balthy were caught getting manicures together earlier this week.

So basically this is looking like Sienna's vag never let go of Balthazar's peen. Sienna was probably just using DJ Slinky Wizard to distract us all from the fact that she's still fucking on Balthazar. That cunning slut.

It's also looking like Balthazar loves polish on his nails and silk on his nalgas.

Michael Lohan, the current reigning Father of the New Millennium (sorry, Joe Jackson), recently promised that he was going to release a bunch of taped phone conversations he had with his daughter. Well, Michael has come through and released a series of tapes to Radar. According to Michael, he did so because he wants the world to know that his daughter's life is not all rainbows and she desperately needs help. And because he needs a check to continue to buy fancy thread from Michael's to make friendship bracelets like the one above.

In the 3-minute long tape, LiLo cries uncontrollably to her father about how no one cares about her and White Oprah doesn't stand by her. At one point she says, “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.”

If you picture me saying these things after an 8-hour Mother's Circus Animal Cookie binge, it might make the tape less depressing. But not really.

Michael also has plans to roll out more tapes in the near future. And I'm sure he'll release remixes of each tape too. Michael is truly the Time Life of deadbeat dads.