Archives

Before you click play on the clip above, you should be warned that Miley Cyrus' voice can scrape off several layers of finish in just a few seconds, so you better move all your favorite pieces of wood furniture out of the room.

In Miley's song "Party in the USA," she screeches about hearing a Jay-Z song on the radio. So during an interview on Halloween night in Kentucky, she was asked what her favorite Jay-Z song is (at the 2:50 mark). Miley's answer? "Ah've nevah heard a Jay-Z song." She didn't write that song and only chose it because it went with her clothing line. Then Miley goes on to say that she doesn't listen to pop music. A few beats later, she chirps something about Britney Spears. Then she starts yammering about Janis Joplin.....

And then Jay-Z, Janis Joplin and Brit Brit busted in there to flick her in the teefs. Seriously, I think I saw two of her brain cells bust out of her ear holes. Were we all like that when we were her age (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is no)? No wonder we boozed until the toilet called mercy.

In 50 years, Miley will still be sitting on a folding chair backstage somewhere in Kentucky wearing a trampy Pocahontas outfit and terrorizing little kids. Except she'll have a ciggie hanging out of her mouth and a giant DRANK in her hand. Yes, Miley will totally be THAT Bingo lady.

VIA NY Mag's Vulture

People is saying that Rachel "Chupacabra" Zoe's right hand bitch Taylor Jacobsen was pink-slipped this morning for reasons unknown.

Taylor had this to say on her Twitter page: “Today is an end of an era and a beginning of a new professional chapter. Looking forward to what the future brings…!!!”

Chupa issued this statement: "I lit-ter-ally DIED. Like I'm lit-ter-ally like dead buh-nanas. Like lit-ter-ally I'm dead. Like my heart lit-ter-ally shut it down. It's buh-nanas."

Oh, I'm going to miss that mega bitch Taylor. First of all, nobody can unpack a box like she can (that's a good quality in a person). Second of all, Taylor was the only real bitch around those parts. She rolled threw "fuck that shit" looks at just the right moments and always said exactly what was dancing on my tongue. For example, when Brad was queefing sequins about dressing Anne Hathaway on stage at the Oscars, Taylor said that she'd rather die than do that shit. EXACTLY. Taylor is way too good to be wasting her acts of bitchery on Chupa.

YOGI BEAR: The Movie is happening. Even worse, they have cast Justin Timberlake as everyone's favorite bottom bitch Boo Boo. Douchier than the average bear.

The Hollywood Reporter (via Coming Soon) says that the Yogi movie will be part CGI, part live-action and full stupid. In addition to Justin voicing Boo Boo, Dan Akroyd will be the voice of Yogi and Anna Faris will play a documentary filmmaker. They will start shooting this wreck in New Zealand next month.

You know, I've always believed that Boo Boo regularly showed Yogi his "dick in a picanic basket," so I can kind of see where the producers were going, but it still isn't right. You know what else isn't right? The fact that I didn't know the real Yellowstone Park wasn't called Jellystone Park until I was in my late teens.

At last night's MTV EMAs in Berlin, Germany's golden child took the mic and behaved like your drunk boss giving a blundering speech at the company Christmas party while everyone throws him "shouldn't you be setting a good example" side eyes. Seriously, The Hoff was slurring like he just gave oral to a taser gun.

Instead of Kanye snatching the mic from him, The Hoff needed Ken Seeley to come and take him away.

And I feel like we should raise a glass (filled with a non-boozy beverage*, of course) to The Hoff's oh-so-fanceeeeee sequins blazer. It stayed sparkly in such an awkward situation.

*Does a wine cooler count as real alcohol?

VIA Buzzfeed

Well, Joe Jackson has done what we've all been waiting for him to do. He has opened up Michael Jackson's coffin and is searching it for loose change. TMZ reports that Pimp Daddy Joe has filed papers in L.A. asking for a piece of his son's estate even though he was left out of the will. Joe Jackson would make you take your orgasm back if you busted a nut before he did, so this bit of news is the opposite of shocking.

In the papers, Joe claims that Michael's estate has racked in over $100 million in the past 7 weeks, so it could afford to keep his pimp hand moisturized. Shameless Joe also says that Michael used to give Katherine $60,000 a month, and told her to give half to him. Joe listed all of his expenses which total over $15,000:

$2,500 for eating out
$2,000 for flying in airplanes
$3,000 for hotel rooms to take his Craigslist hos back to
$1,000 for grocery
$1,200 for rent
$50 for charity

Basically, all of Joe's money problems could be solved if he only ordered from the dollar menu at McDonald's, took his hos to a rest stop bathroom instead of a hotel room, only traveled on the Chinatown Bus and slept on the branch of a tree with the other vultures.

With Michael Lohan quickly becoming the world's most terrible parent, Joe Jackson had to do something drastic to keep a hold of his title. So there you go. His title is safe for now.

Dr. Arnie Klein – Michael Jackson’s dermatologist – just did an interview with Harvey Levin of TMZ. One of the topics they discussed was Michael Jackson’s peculiar habit of whipping out his privates in front of other people (including children) to pee in a cup so that he wouldn’t have to walk down the hallway to the bathroom. Dr. Klein said he didn’t think that the habit was all that unusual. Then he told a short story of a female country singer he knew. He said that she told him that when she lived in the country, she would purposely pee in the bed every night just to stay warm. Who might he be talking about? (Blind Gossip)

Everybody knows that when you do pee pee times in the bed, it immediately goes cold and turns into a slushie on your privates. Not exactly warm. So I've heard. Dolly Parton might be the obvious guess here, but I'll go with Loretta Lynn just so I can picture her singing "PISS CITY" instead of "Fist City."

This former B list television actress and now C list movie actress has been single for awhile. Maybe not for long though. At a recent event, our actress was supposed to walk the runway at a fashion show. When her time to walk approached, no one could find her. People were running around looking for her. They finally found her, umm, in her dressing room in the midst of full on sex. When told she needed to be on stage that second, she jumped up, pulled down her dress and walked the runway. (CDAN)

I've got zilch. But for the shit of it I'll guess Maggie Grace or Heather Graham?

Remember when we told you about the wealthy singer who brings in a body-double for a wife, you know, to rub his feet and take care of him for her? Well, we heard that she also brings in a ’sex instructor’ who coaches the husband on how to pleasure her correctly. The husband watches as the instructor demonstrates on the singer what’s right and what’s wrong. Not Christina Aguilera. (BuzzFoto)

See, this is how you get new dick without pissing off your full-time fuck partner. I'll guess Celine Dion (ha), JLo or Barbara Streisand?

(Image via Go Girl)

Beyonce ruled the MTV EMAs while wearing one of Vanity's old ones. Meanwhile, Basement Baby ruled a game of Battleship against one of her imaginary friends- Lainey Gossip

Katy Perry gives herself a chichi adjustment at the MTV EMAs - Egotastic!

More from RiRi's GMA interview with Diane Sawyer - Popsugar

Cameron Diaz actually doesn't look like she belongs in a Domino's box here (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A book of celeb-dude facials - Towleroad

They're perfect, we get it - Just Jared

Miranda Kerr at the Hug Awards. But don't hug her ass or she may snap in two - Hollywood Tuna

Kate Bosworth is the younger Fishsticks Paltrow sans the giant stick shoved halfway up her blow hole - Celebitchy

Lil' Kim has finally transformed into the wax mannequin of her dreams - Hollywood Rag

Cher: same hat, different nose - Cityrag

The one who isn't Glamberace from last season's American Idol has a new video - Socialite Life

Gayelle King is not going to be happy that O is sharing a cover with Ellen - Popeater

The jokes write themselves: Someone throws up while watching Breakfast at Tiffany's the play - Holy Moly!

Here's Natalie Portman in V judging you for putting that delicious pastrami sandwich in your mouth - Popoholic

Shia LaDouche holding a cup and concentrating hard - ICYDK

Brian Austin Green must be wearing invisible ear plugs here - I'm Not Obsesessed

If you haven't heard from some of your loved ones since around 11pm last night, it's probably because they are shivering with fear in their closets and chewing on pant bottoms for nourishment after watching the gore fest that was Kim Zolciak's performance of "Tardy for the Party" on last night's RHOA reunion (part dose).

You know you live in an "all kinds of wrong" world when the FCC has something to say about Janet Jackson's nipple, but horrific shit like this ends up on our TV screens. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was not watching yet another alternate ending for Paranormal Activity.

When you make Heidi Montag look like Michael Jackson/Judy Garland/Elvis rolled into one, it's time to keep your singing voice for shower times only. Actually, scratch that, because bathroom tiles already have a rough deal. Save your singing for the devil.

On a positive note, at least Sheree can cancel her trip to Thailand for that sex age operation, because her dick jumped out of her crotch after this public display of fuckery.

P.S. - Where is the mash-up of "Tardy for the Party" and "Party all the Time" called "Tardy all the Time"?

Elizabeth Lambert of New Mexico's women's soccer team is definitely the kind of chick you want on your team. Watch as she almost decapitates a ho and trips another girl without taking her eyes off the game. Elizabeth has got that bitch tick. Cuntourettes is what doctors call it. Whoopin' tricks and yanking tails just comes natural to her.

And BOO BITCH on the lady saying that this kind of behavior is "over the line." This is right on the line. This is the way soccer was meant to be played.

VIA Chicago Sun-Times

Praying in front of your Harvey Price shrine for hours at a time has paid off, because he has been released from the hospital and does not have swine flu. I guess I should go apologize to the bag of pork rinds I farted on at the deli yesterday.

Harvey's memaw rushed to him the hospital on Wednesday, because he had trouble breathing. They suspected that he might have been touched by a case of the Poshes, but doctors say it isn't so.

On GMTV this morning, Peter Andre spoke about Harvey's condition because he knew the world was holding its breath and starting to turn the color of Katie Price's snatch rod. Peter said, "He's OK. He's actually... he's much better. We were there the night before last, and then yesterday he went home early, quite early - so he's better, a lot better. He's fine, he's happy."

And now we can exhale. And it looks like Katie exhaled long before we did, because here she is hitting the pub with Roxy just a few minutes after Harvey came home. Bitch better be going to the bar to pick up a mug of hot bourbon for Harvey's cough.