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Rosie O'Donnell really hasn't been seen with a new piece since splitting up with her longtime partner a few months ago, but here she is strolling through Miami with a ladyfriend. A ladyfriend who she may or may not be clapping clits with in the early morning hours.

But good for Rosie if her ladyfriend is munchin' the socks right off of her. Actually, I hope Rosie's ladyfriend is eating her Dorito pie until those evil CROCS go flying off her feet and land in a trash can. If her ladyfriend can do that, she should get a damn Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm sure Rosie wears CROCS because it feels like her feet are in the middle of a vagina sandwich. But it would be much more attractive if she walked around with two silicone pussies on her feet instead.

Kevin Jonas and former hairdresser (she should just change her name to that) Danielle Deleasa simultaneously queefed out all the gory details of their fairytale wedding to People Magazine and it's nauseating. The whole wedding sounded like one big promo (rhymes with homo) for Disney's Princess Collection.

Take this for instance, Kevin said that he chose the venue for their wedding because it looked like an enchanted castle. Kevin also got glass slippers made for Danielle, "I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle. I've never seen a more beautiful bride."

Danielle said she always wanted a princess wedding, "I couldn't have imagined this." Her father escorted her down the aisle to "Bella Note" from Lady and the Tramp.

See what I mean! Kevin talks about Danielle the same way I talk about my favorite bong! Yes, I keep my bong in a lucite slipper. Don't you? But seriously, why does Kevin keep bending over and making it look good for Mickey Mouse? Kevin got his prostate tapped, so he doesn't need to whore it out for Disney anymore. Free yourself, Kevin!

Hopefully, Kevin and Danielle's divorce proceedings are also filled with singing animals and magicalness. Also, Kevin should get those glass slippers in the divorce. They probably look more precious on him anyway.

And in case you're just joining us, I'm always this bitter.

Coco Chanel's namesake continues to demonstrate her ass poppin' and coochie flexin' skills in JM Magazine - Hollywood Tuna

Miranda Kerr on Ralph (that's a magazine, not your uncle who has halitosis) - Egotastic!

Why is that hobo grabbing that pretty blonde girl's arm like that? - Popsugar

Magician fails her trick, but at least she can hold her breath a long time. That'll come in handy! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Gabrielle Union, a graduate of Sienna Miller's School of Snatchin', walks around the beach with her prized swag - Just Jared

Joe Francis is already a shoo-in for 2099's Douche of the Century - Celebitchy

They could have at least decorated Mimi's hydraulic lift with some butterfly confetti or something - Lainey Gossip

Somebody please tell Mah Boo to meet me in Argentina. Thank you. - Towleroad

Another edition of chichis or cracks - Cityrag

The Sugababes have it rough - Holy Moly!

Charlie Sheen stuff - Hollywood Rag

Kate Gosselin's possum is looking a little too clam - Socialite Life

Tiger Woods might be prowling for more poon in rehab - I'm Not Obsessed

Shut up, Carrie Underwears - ICYDK

I'd hit it...but it would probably put me in a coma - SOW

Here's Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Dicksick with their 20-second-old baby Mason Dash on the cover of Life & Style this week.

Doesn't Kourtney just look so happy? She has that sparkle in her eyes all new mothers get when posing on the cover of a tabloid with their newborn baby. Actually, that sparkle might be from the dollar signs that popped up in her eyes after noticing the check from Life & Style on the table in front of her.

And Scott still looks like he'd shove a block of cheese up your snatch and release the rats.

Poor Mason. Somebody should whisper in his hear to not open up his eyes until he's at least 18. It's for his own good.

Speaking of bagina bashing (see below), here's a clip taken from Hell's 24-hour live feed. It's a bunch of Juggalalette's in one of the saddest mosh pits I've ever seen. It's more like a moshed potato pit (GONG).

Seriously, this looks exactly like feeding time in the gorilla exhibit at the zoo.

via Buzzfeed

In court documents filed in New York on Monday, Michael Lohan's ex-girlfriend Erin Muller describes in detail how Michael constantly abused her over the years. Looking at Michael's constipated turtle head every single day is a form of abuse, but according to Erin, she suffered much more. Seriously, this is like Ike Turner's bucket list:

Dec. 9, 2007: Michael Lohan "slapped Erin in the face twice because Erin accused him of giving her a fake watch on her birthday."

Feb. 2008: Michael "punched Erin in the mouth" because she had a male friend on Facebook

March 2008: Michael "whipped a computer cord" at her face but she blocked it with her hand ... causing a laceration.

May 5, 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the ribs."

May 2008: Michael "kicked Erin Muller in the vagina, bruising it and causing substantial pain."

June 2008: Michael "spit in Erin's face, and beat her repeatedly with his fist." Then he "yelled at her to 'stop crying cunt -- other people will see you -- if they see you, I will kill you!'"

Yes, can you believe this is the same Michael Lohan who is a man of God and is one of Jesus' devoted followers. No, seriously, I think Michael Lohan is literally following Jesus Christ on Twitter.

You know, Michael Lohan looks like the type who will kick a cooch when it's not looking. How would he like it if someone putted him in his poon? Actually, he'd probably love it since it would shove the stick even further up his hole.

Van Morrison's sperm still has the magic touch! At 64-years-old, the pepaw has become a father for the fourth time. Let's all high-five Van's sperm (let's not).

CBC News reports that Van's manager/girlfriend/caramel square unwrapper Gigi Lee gave birth to a little boy yesterday. They have named him George Ivan Morrison III.

Van also has a 39-year-old from his first marriage and two kids with his last girlfriend.

Van's publicist said that "Little Van is the spitting image of his daddy." So that means Gigi gave birth roll of chins. Adorable.

I'm happy for Van, but why would you want to spend the twilight of your years goo goo and ga ga-ing at a damn baby?! When I'm that age, the only interaction I want to have with kids is when I have to wave my cane at one for skipping into my personal space. Ivana Trump has the right idea.

(Thanks Moonmaid)

Tonight when the Twitwards are flossing their vaginas with the Jacob Black fleece throws they got for Christmas, it will be much more gratifying because Taylor Lautner is SINGLE! I think a thousand cherries just spontaneously popped.

UsWeekly reports that the 3-month-long love affair between 17-year-old Taylor Lautner and 20-year-old Taylor Swift has come to an end. A source said that Girl Taylor wasn't really getting the shakes in her loins whenever Boy Taylor came around. The source added, "He liked her more than she liked him. He went everywhere he could to see her, but she didn't travel much to see him. It wasn't really developing into anything, and wasn't going to, so they decided they were better as friends. There was no chemistry, and it felt contrived."

Hm. Maybe it felt contrived, because both of them had their publicists screaming in their ears, "HOLD HER HAND! KISS HIS CHEEK! PASS HIM THAT NOTE IN HOMEROOM! TOUCH HER BOOBY!" Yes, both of their publicists sound like Kanye (ironic, eh).

But seriously, this is all kinds of hilarious. There's millions of girls who would sell their entire family for just one of Boy Taylor's nose hairs. And Girl Taylor rolls her eyes whenever Boy Taylor's name pops up on her cell phone. HAHAHA. Maybe Girl Taylor just wasn't into Boy Taylor trying to toss her salad while calling her "Edward." Hey, just let me have my fantasies!

Not since the Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus has there been such a touching portrait of an ethereal maternal figure with an innocent child. It just makes you want to give birth, or slap a Honey Baked ham.

Here's CoCo (that's Nicole Austin if you work for the government) frolicking around the beach in Miami yesterday with her young niece and Ice-T. Without all the lights, Photoshop, spandex and paint, CoCo looks so demure. Sure her bikini bottoms, which have seen better days on a spring break slut circa 1993, are crawling up her body to escape from her hongray hongray camel toe, but her ass isn't knocking my eyelashes off. Usually CoCo's ass makes my own ass clench up out of embarrassment, but it's not doing that right now. Maybe CoCo has been eating more fiber. Or something.