Archives

Daddy Spears took out a restraining order against Landing Strip Galib and Sam Lutfi a little while ago, because he claims they were filling his little Cheetoling's head with dirty, sucio, evil shit! They were all back in a Los Angeles court room this morning, because Daddy Spears wants the restraining order to last forever and all-time. That piece of gutter trash Sam is screaming that he's never threatened, drugged, farted on or tried to cause any other kind of harm to Brit Brit and her family. Sam wants the restraining order to end now. Queef...queef...queef... Basically, the lie dingles were falling out of his mouth hole.

The judge extended the restraining order until Wednesday to give time for Daddy Spears to testify. That's exactly what he started to do today. E! reports that Daddy testified the nanny overheard Brit Brit talking to Adnan and Sam really early in the morning on a cell phone. When Brit went to dance practice, her security team found the phone which was a prepaid Nokia. Brit admitted she got it when she was at the Peninsula Hotel one day.

Daddy went on to say that Brit is allowed a cell phone, but can't use it all the time. They monitor that shit. You know she totally has a Firefly! On second thought, bitch has a Barbie Glitter Phone. Brit Brit says everyone on her phone is so nice and is always asking her what she's going to wear to Ken's big party! So fun.

Daddy Spears added that when he found the illegal phone with Sam's number on it, "he felt like a threat. It felt like someone was trying to extort my daughter."

The hearing will continue on Wednesday morning and a judge will determine then if the restraining order will get extended indefinitely.

How is Brit Brit getting caught talking on the phone?! I was a master at that shit when I was a kid and we didn't have cell phones back then. Before my mom went to bed, I'd sneak into her room and unplug her phone. That way if she picked it up in the middle of the night, she wouldn't hear me talking on it. Yeah, she'd investigate, but that would give me time to get rid of the evidence and pretend I was asleep! Then I would crawl into the closet (no comment from the whore gallery) and sound proof that shit with as many pillows as I could get a hold of. Then I'd cover myself in blankets and talk really softly. My ass never got caught!

Now Brit Brit is probably on phone restriction until the end of the summer! And Daddy Spears is pissed, so you better believe he's not going to make her his special cheese grits with VELVEETA anymore.

Paula Deen, the clogged artery of my heart (and that's a compliment), was keeping it sexy at the Miami Food & Wine Festival yesterday when her nalgas decided to come out and play while she was walking off the stage. I figured Paula Deen is a Red Vines g-string kind of bitch, but she was wearing some flesh-colored granny panties instead. I'm also surprised a stick of butter didn't fall out of her ass. Seriously, you know she can churn butter up in there.

This past Friday, The Soup named Stains as Entertainer of the Year! And rightfully so! If Stains could talk, he'd tell you he knew this was coming, because his Alice Cooper crystal eyeballs can see into the future!

Joel McHale honored Stains with a platter of delicious cupcakes. They were just like the ones that dance around his eyes day and night. Okay, they weren't exactly the same. Joel gave him doggy ones instead which is like eating a spoonful of wet flour. I've tried. The bong made me do it.

But Stains doesn't seem to mind. When I stare into his Magic 8 Ball eyes, I also see the future and the future is STAINS! Stains for king of everything!

Draw a picture of a little hangman figure using a ball point pen and stick that shit next to Posh. This praying mantis alien probably makes your stick figure look like Jessica Simpson in diaper jeans after a chili cook-out. This bitch right here looks like my pinky's shadow!

I mean, damn! At least she'll never get locked out of anywhere, because bitch can slip under door cracks and shit. Although, one day Posh is going to walk into her shower and accidentally slip down the damn drain.

I would say this is some Morticia Addams shit, but the sleeve of Morticia's dress is even too big for this spork creature.

Here's Posh making Dita Von Teese, Eva Longwhoria and Kate Beckinsale looks like three fatty fatty bo batties at Elton John's Oscar party last night. Hopefully, Posh at least smelled some food so she can gain a calorie or two.

Vadge's sascrotch fur is slowly migrating to her face (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Crack whore on the cover of FHM - Hollywood Tuna

Just because: Johnny Depp - Popsugar

The Oscar ratings would've been even higher if Hugh Jackman did the dick slappy dance - Just Jared

Rose McGowan is a wreck - Hollywood Rag

A million and one Oscar red carpet pictures - Egotastic!

In case you already didn't know, Dolly Parton is a gift - Towleroad

Alicia Keys' bootleg Disney princess wig fucked her up - Lainey Gossip

Sharon Stone did this on purpose - Cityrag

Nicky Hilton getting pushed down + IHOP + A Citzen's Arrest + A transient = A fucking amazing story worth a standing ovation and a dick slap. Seriously, I want to get my lazy ass out of my chair and clappity clap for this hotness. I just wish Vivica Fox and her SLYCIC friends told us this would happen beforehand, so that we could set up seats, order a Rooty Tooty and cheer on the transient!

TMZ says that for some reason (*cough*coke pick-up*cough*) Nicky Hilton was outside of IHOP in West Hollywood at 5am when she got into an altercation with a "transient." The country's newest hero then pushed Nicky to the ground.

Surprisingly, Nicky's bony ass didn't break into a million pieces. Nicky got up and then pulled a citizen's arrest on his ass. The police showed up and the transient was arrested.

The only way this story could get hotter is if the transient turned out to be Dollhouse Dude. But I'm pretty sure the transient was a skinny baby or a scrappy kitten, because you have to be one weak ho to get arrested by Nicky Hilton. All you gotta do is clap your hands and the sound vibrations will send that bitch flying.

And I'm so fucking mad that Nicky Hilton got to scream "CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST!" That shit was wasted on that skank.

Where was a fisherman with a big ass net when you needed him?! Ariel is not amused with last night's invasion of mermaid dresses at the Oscars. Beyonce, Melissa George, Marisa Tomei, Monica Cruz, Zac Efron's beard and Diane Lane all wore variations of that shit. I feel like they all needed to be wheeled in on a fake rock. This is Under the Sea shit gone wrong.

These dumb bitches were just asking for an evil whore to trip their sausage-looking asses. They would've come back up with their bare asses hanging out, because a dress like that was not meant to bend over in. I know. How the hell are they supposed to get in some quickie dick time in the bathroom? These are not fun time dresses.

Beyonce doubled the fug with that material. Bitch really looks like she fell into the curtains at the Imperial Palace in Las Vegas and then called it a fucking day.

Cojo was the belle of the ball last night! Or maybe he was the ball of the belle? BOTH! You know, during my drunk blogging rant last night, I said that the theme of the Oscars was anal beads. And look what is hanging between precious Cojo's voluptuous chichis: anal beads by Chanel! By the end of the night, those Chanel beady beads were having a prostate party in Cujo's culo. When he pulled them out, they were the colors of the rainbow. I'm pretty sure that's how Skittles are made.

Matthew McConaughey must be a fan of Nip/Tuck, because it looks like he was inspired by the auto-sucking episode.

Matthew was on the beach in Rio trying to give his peen friend a little tongue kiss. He would say he was just "stretching," but you know what he was up to. He just needed to get just a little bit closer and he easily could have slid his tongue right in between those dick lips and said "hello." Matthew just needs to get a fat friend to sit on his back and he'll get it. Besides, sucking his own dick is probably easier than jacking himself off. Those little T-Rex arms must have a hard time stretching all the way down there.

We've all tried to licky our own dicky. Don't lie. I stopped trying, because whenever I did go for it, I'd have the sudden urge to do pee times. And auto-golden-showers is not a sport I want to play.

Anne Hathaway said IT. And she said it last night to Babwa Wawa. Anne using the dreaded OTM didn't surprise me, because earlier in the interview she said coke was never a "horse she got on." So bitch is a fan of old timey talk. That's the way the theater fags talked in high school and I bet Anne was one of those. The type who do their "rubber baby buggy bumper" exercises in the hallways and said shit like "cheese and crackers" instead of Jesus Christ! We never would have been friends.

And I seriously slapped my monitor when that OTM mess came out of her mouth. It's at the 7:35 mark in the video above. Anne Hathaway is now on notice. And to think that I thought she had one of the hottest dress of the night. Not any fucking more. I want to throw her and that dress under the moon.