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People all across the world make the exact same face every time they look at Tommy Girl and his weepy ass robobeard. Suri speaks for us all with her standard "bitch, please" face. Suri also threw in a hint of "fuckery" face and just a dash of "not today" face. Basically, homegirl is thisclose to taking the razor out of her and cutting a bitch. When that day comes, I know she'll be ready for her gorgeous chola makeover.

It was probably Suri's day off and she already had plans to deep condition her hair and twitter a bit. But then the thetans in Stepford Katie started to itch, so the bitch had to go outside and she dragged Suri with her. This is not Suri's idea of a good time. Especially since that dumb bitch Katie made her walk some of the time! Katie is lucky Suri didn't clt+alt+delete her ass.

At this second, this is the most glamorous and gorgeous woman on my monitor. Yes, I know after a few mouse clicks, I'll be saying the same thing about another broad, but let's not think about that right now. Let's live in this moment and gaze deep into Claudia Cardinale's stunning eyebrows. I must also mention her immaculate lip liner which goes perfectly with her beautiful roasted corn teeth. THIS is a woman.

I am not familiar with this ravishing creature, so I sashayed on over to Wikipedia and entered in her name. After the words "GORGEOUS BEAUTY" popped up in huge shiny letters, I read on and learned that she's an Italian actress who was in 8 1/2. Hmmm. I bet she knows Sophia Loren. And I bet they ARCH rivals. They stand across the room from each other at parties, slowly arching their beautiful eyebrows at each other. An eyebrow duel to the finish.

Here's the Jewel of Tunisia with some jolly pepaw and "Lambertz Monday Night party" at Alter Wartesaal - inside
Cologne, Germany - 02.02.09')" onmouseout="UnTip()">Jacqueline Bisset at a party in Germany last night. I'm serious. The eyebrows. I can't breathe.

Here we are again. Time really fucking flies when you're being cunty...and slutty....and drunky. It's the magic hour where we all do our monthly finger exercises by voting for Hot Slut of the Month. I feel this shit is going to be a cupcake-lined landslide, but you never know. Sometimes there's surprises. I'm still licking the wounds I suffered from the shock of Rojo losing the big title to Spaghetti Cat. But Spaghetti Cat is a worthy winner. He has already fulfilled his first duty by reading The Gold Digger's Guide to schoolchildren. We have to spread the Hot Slut philosophy early.

Anyway, any of these 5 whores could have the crown next year. Your choices are:

Ian Golder - Boxed macaroni and cheese's baby daddy!
DJ Lady Tribe - Pristine lady and professional pussy shot drinker!
Sergey Zverez - The most beautiful ladyman in Russia!
Stains - The magical dog with the ability to devour cupcakes with his eyes!
Aramis Fuster - The world's biggest liar! I mean, biggest witch!

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The winning slut will be announced Thursday. Happy voting!

Faye Dunaway better be taking off her jewelry and greasing up her face, because this shit has begun. Last week, Faye was asked what she thought about Hilary Duff starring in a remake of Bonnie and Clyde. Faye bitch punched that dumb dumb Duff in the big teefs when she said, ''Couldn't they at least cast a real actress?'' Buuuuurned by the evil Selena!

Instead of keeping her fat teeth shut, Hilary just had to respond. She told E!'s Daily 10, "I think that my fans that are going to go see the movie don't even know who she is, so you know…. I think it was a little unnecessary but I might be mad if I looked like that now too. It's not really like taken off of the movie, it's taken off the true story of Bonnie and Clyde. So the movie was adjusted slightly by how they wanted to do it and this is kind of like the true events of how everything went down."

First of all, Hilary Duff has fans? Second of all, Hilary is going to look like the boil on my ass when she's Faye's age, so she needs to shut the fuck up about that shit. Don't fuck with Faye!

And I was about to ask you bitches to pull out the kiddie pool filled with oil, but I figured none of us want to see Faye or Hilary greased up in gold sequined bikinis. So an oil wrestling match is out of the question. But there's another way we can settle this. After staring at their jumbo Chiclet teeth for a few minutes, the answer came to me: corn eating contest! We'll throw an ear of corn in the middle of them and the first bitch to chew her way to the middle wins this war!

I'll bet my porn-subscription money that Faye will win that shit. After a few seconds, that bitch will stop chewing and beat down Hilary with a wire hanger instead.

What does Sam Lutfi do all day, really? I'm sure he spends a few hours sticking hot pins in Daddy Spears' voodoo doll. After that, he plays Brit Brit's "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart," cuddles up to one of her old used-up weave tracks and cries himself to sleep. It's not like he has anything to do, so I'm not surprised that his latest project is a lawsuit against Our Lady of Cheetos! He probably watched Larry H. Parker's commercial on TV and it gave him ideas.

TMZ says that Sam is suing Brit and her parents claiming she broke a contract with him and owes his crazy ass a bunch of cash in unpaid fees. In the LOLawsuit, Sam says her parents "began a campaign of slander, libel and defamation aimed at discrediting, destroying and physically and emotionally intimidating Lutfi in order to drive him out of Britney's life."

If this mess ever finds its way into a court room, Sam is going to have to go wait at the corner gas station while Brit Brit testifies, because she has a restraining order against him.

You know, I kind of wish this would go to trial. Then we all can share a big tub of popcorn (with extra fake butter) and take in all the drama. And Dollhouse Dudes really needs another gig.

I also hope they ask Sam what drugs he put in the special brew of Purple Drank he gave to Brit regularly, because I need a new recipe.

This video of a little boy high on the legal good shit after leaving the dentist has been making the internet rounds, because kids are funny! And they are magic! But honestly, I think this is most of us every weekend. How many times have you said to yourself "Is this real life?" and "Is this going to be forever?" This kid is inside my brain.

And the dad is being a total buzz kill by constantly asking, "Are you feeling good?" Shut up and just let it roll!

VIA Boing Boing

Dopey the dwarf is looking mighty fine! - Lainey Gossip

Alessandra Ambrosio is full of shit - Egotastic!

Becky Romijn Lettuce probably got the "Posh Special" right after labor - Hollywood Tuna

A WTF Gossip Girl spoiler - Just Jared

Hag with a fag - Hollywood Rag

Tommy and Katie's pores are starting to cry sweaty tears from all this fakery - Popsugar

Penny Cruz is see through (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Simon Cowell doesn't like the dick, but I'm sure he lets Gaycrest suck on his every now and again - Towleroad

The song remains the same - Cityrag

Stick your ass up in the air and give a farewell fart to Michael Lohan's blog - Pink is the New Blog

Let's start with a quote: "I'm afraid of water. Um. Maybe I shouldn't get a houseboat then."

That was just one of the many beautiful gems that came out of Tamara's echo chamber head during last night's I Love Money 2. This is the kind of dumb bitch we could all use as a friend. She will make anyone feel like the president of Mensa! And she would be so much fun at parties! I bet if you tied a sock around her waist, she'd fall over! If you put a piece of scotch tape on her nose, she'd spend hours trying to get it off. If you asked her what the capital of Los Angeles was, smoke would start to float out of her ears. I love her!

Tamara's genius started when she said that if she won the money, she'd buy a houseboat and park it in the ocean. But then she suddenly realized that she was afraid of water, so maybe living on a houseboat wasn't such a good thing. This is what freebasing freon does to a bitch! No, I take that back. Stupidity like this is a God-given gift!

Tamara's greatest moment came when she (SPOILER ALERT) lost an arm-wrestling match and had to leave the show. In Tamara's defense, there was no way she going to win that match when she's on a permanent 15-second delay. After she lost, Tamara's balloon head almost fucking popped. The bitch flipped out and yelled at the crew, "You have no hearts and no souls! You should be ashamed of yourselves for exploiting these stupid idiots!" The crew totally shrugged and mumbled, "Yeah, so? When do we eat?!"

And she also screamed that she's a winner who has been on 50 magazine covers! Um. Tamara. You know that those "magazine covers" you shot at a Six Flags photo booth aren't real?! Yeah, we shouldn't burst her bubble head.

Tamara's meltdown actually surprised me. I'm impressed that she knows that many words. I figured she was operating on a 12-word vocabulary.

After she got tired from overusing her one brain cell, Tamara stormed out......the wrong door. HA! If Chrissy Snow was a Midwestern lot lizard who was addicted to Purple Drank, her name would be Tamara. Seriously, get this bitch her own show called Are You Smarter Than Tamara?! Everyone is a winner! Even inanimate objects!

Put on your dumb-reflector cap and watch the clip below:

Early this morning, I had a half-dream that I was trying to read the future by looking into Vivica Fox's crystal ball forehead. When I fully woke up, it made complete sense to me that she was whoring herself out to the SLYCIC (shout out to God Warrior!) Friends Network. But just when I got on board with Vivica's new career move, I find out that she says the whole thing is fraudulent!

Vivica told Black Voices she "is no friend of The Psychic Friends Network." and went to say that she never authorized them to use her "likeness, footage, voice and photographs as an endorsement of their service." Vivica also told them to read her hairline and stop using her shit to push their fakery. She didn't give any explanation as to how they magically got a hold of video of her endorsing that fakery.

You know, those Psychic Friends skills must be authentic, because they were able to look into the future to put this infomercial together!! Because we all know that this is exactly where Viv's career is going. How else are you going to follow up Glam God?

The inevitable remix of Christian Bale's fuck-filled epic rant has arrived. This is going to straight to the top of the dance charts. I always new Christian Bale would be a techno chanteuse one day.

Barbara Streisand even makes a came!!! In my version of heaven, this is what they will play in the elevator. FUCK after FUCK after FUCK! It still needs more FUCK!

Let's all drop some E, trash the lights and then give each other glow stick shows while bouncing to this shit. FUCK!