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Okay, who guessed that Peaches Geldof's marriage would only last a long six months? I was out of the divorce pool after their 1-day anniversary. I figured it would be one of those 24-hour bugs. Well, if you guessed six months, then reward yourself by getting obliterated and marrying a stranger! Don't worry, you can divorce them in the morning. Getting hitched and then getting divorced a quick minute later is fun! It's the world's pastime.

So, yeah, 19-year-old Rotten Peaches and 24-year-old Max Drummey announced their marriage is done DONE done after only six months. The hipster twats with faces like popped pimples married last August in Las Vegas after only knowing each other a month.

They issued this ridiculous statement to the BBC. Actually, just roll your eyes a hundred times and pretend you read it. Okay, here it is anyway: "After much soul-searching we have made the mutual decision to end our marriage and have agreed to go our separate ways. Our parting is amicable and both of us still respect and care about each other immensely. There were no other people involved in this decision and we both look forward to a future as good friends."

Damn, their "soul searching" expedition probably lasted a hot second. They both realized they don't have any souls to search. I shouldn't say that. I'm sure they tried they hardest to make it work. He wrote her a touching ballad about how much he loved her gold American Apparel leggings or something like that. It still wasn't enough.

Does canned oxygen make you walk on sunshine (shout out to my girl Allison!) the same way computer duster does? Ben Stein doesn't look like he's skipping along the sun's surface with light rays beaming out of his ass.

I know this shit has been around for eons, but I've never done it. So, I went to Instant Oxygen's website and it says it's for whores who suffer "poor brain function" and hangovers. That's me! According to them, it gives you energy and helps you focus mentally. Is this just a bunch of hot (or cold) air they are blowing at us? And I don't want to take that shit if it actually makes my brain think thoughts. I've worked very hard at keeping my brain cell count to a minimum!

Back in 2003, A-Rod of the NY Yankees (that's a baseball team, I think) got an A++++ on his steroids test! Or maybe testing positive means you got an F----?

Anyroidsmakeyourpeensad, that's what Sports Illustrated is saying. Four sources (that means it's fact!) say A-Rod's name is on a list of 104 players who tested positive for that shit in Major League Baseball's 2003 survey testing. This was the same year he won the AL MVP award. But in 2003, bitches didn't get in trouble for testing positive.

A SI reporter asked A-Rod about this shit while he was working out at a gym in Miami. The only thing A-Rod had to say was, "You'll have to talk to the union." The union had no comment.

Yeah, don't color me surprised, because it won't take. I was under the impression that all those hos who run far for a living ate frosted roids for breakfast.

And somebody better award my ass with an ice cold roidtini for not mentioning Vadge's roidy poon during this entire post! Oh, wait...

I finally got a clue. If I'm going to go on and on about Michael Phelps, then I should finally post a picture of the real Phelps hotness: DEBBIE in a glamorous Chico's ensemble! Speaking of, it might be a Chico's kind of day for Debbie, because Subway released a statement saying they weren't going to throw Michael's bong-loving ass away.

This is what they said (via UsWeekly): "Like most Americans, and like Michael Phelps himself, we were disappointed in his behavior. Also like most Americans, we accept his apology. Moving forward, he remains in our plans."

Bitches probably got inundated with voicemails from lazy-tongued stoners threatening to boycott their shit if they don't make things right. A sober bitch will give anything to stop a baked motherfucker from yapping, so Subway probably just said "fuckit." Besides, IN THIS ECONOMY they can't afford to piss off a group who regularly get the munchies. They should capitalize on that shit and put out a "stoner's special" and double the price. When you're riding high on the green cloud, you will trade in your earlobes for a little bit of deliciousness wrapped in bread.

Well, here's yet another reason for me to find a way to program my TV to only show original shows from the 80s and 90s, because 2009 is bringing us more grade A SHIT. I guess I shouldn't be fucking shocked and appalled that The CW is actually going through with the Melrose Place remake. I was hoping that after they sobered up, they realized the mistake they were making. No.

Michael Ausiello at EW got a hold of the casting breakdown and looking at my ass wipe marks on a piece of toilet paper is more enjoyable than reading about these boiled broccoli characters. Judge Judy for yourself:

The new Jake and Amanda are... David Patterson and Ella Flynn. He's Melrose royalty, the now-grown son of the original Jake, with the taut abs and thick black book to prove it. She's his omnisexual sometime lover, a PR whiz whose tongue is as sharp as her stilettos.

The new Billy and Allison are... Jonah Miller and Riley Richmond. He's a Kevin Smith wannabe whose obsession with his movies is unlikely to give him a happy ending with his sickly-sweet schoolteacher fiancee -- especially when she takes a shine to the glamorous life he loathes.

The new Matt is... Auggie Kirkpatrick. A hunky hippie, this recovering alcoholic is willing to give everybody the benefit of the doubt. No word on whether the word sucker will be tattooed on Debbie Downer's forehead, but come on…

The new Jane is... Lauren Bishop. Sort of an anti-Michael, this straight-arrow med student falls on such hard times that she's forced to pull a Sydney and trade sexual favors for financial ones.

The new Sydney is... Violet Foster. Though she's fresh off the turnip truck, this small-town teen already has a worldly-wise m.o.: play the sex kitten till you're ready to bare your claws.

Gross, right? We all could come up with better characters during just one Happy Hour and that's the truth. If Sydney came back from the dead and strolled into Melrose Place with Amanda Woodward on one arm and Kimberly Shaw on the other, this fuckery might have a chance.

The former Crackie of Camden is spending her time in St. Lucia horseback riding with the sexy tourists (slobber at the picture above) and smoking ze weed all day and all night. The Sun says Wino has traded in the bad shit for the gooooooood shit. One of her friends said that Wino has been smoking up to 10 joints a day and everyone around her is actually giving her a standing ovation for it even though she's spending £500-a-week on that shit. Bitches are happy because making giving Mary Jane a blow job makes Wino all hongray.

A source said, : “Amy hasn’t touched crack or cocaine for months. She has been really good.Drugs are easy to get in St Lucia but she has just stuck to smoking dope. The amazing thing is she smokes all morning then sees her personal trainer in the afternoon and is put through a grueling workout.”

Hell yes! Weed does a body good. This is just what the dealer ordered. But knowing Wino she's going to find a way to take the goodness way too far. Bitch is going to start snorting it, or cutting it with household cleaning products and injecting that shit. But if she takes that shit the way it's meant to be taken, she'll win the gold in swimming at the 2012 Olympics!

The Sun has a picture of Wino enjoying a joint while laying in the jacuzzi. The life.....

Image: Bauer Griffin

Claire Danes, aka forever Angela Chase to me, is promised to be married to a British actor-type named Hugh Dancy. Hugh is in that Shopaholic movie and was also in the greatest cinematic experience of 2006: Basic Instinct 2. I would marry the bitch for that fact alone.

Well, in case you haven't fallen asleep you at this ultra exciting news, let me tell you that Claire's spokeswhore confirmed the shit to People. 29-year-old Claire and 33-year-old Hugh began slapping each other's private areas a little over a year ago. Wouldn't it be a bitch if homegirl was knocked up and Hugh left her ass for Mary Louise-Parker midway through that shit? Passing the homewrecker baton!

A few summers ago, I saw Angela Chase walking down the street with an umbrella and a half-full Trader Joe's paper bag. That's it. Nothing else happened. Since this post is about her skinny ass, I figured I'd throw in that "who cares" fact. Everyone does that shit to me! The other night, a friend said to me, "I saw Rita Wilson the other day." I responded, "Was the bitch's tits on fire, because why should I care?" And I wonder why I have no friends that actually like me.

Anyway, congrats to these two! Don't let the engagement ring get too settled, because I'm sure that shit is going to come off in a few months. I'm getting major "this ain't gonna last" vibes from these two dehydrated turnips.

Julia Cortez - Julia was the amazingly hot ping-pong pussy shooter wife from The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert and she also played Rita Repulsa in the Power Rangers movie. Sadly, those are her only two credits. But her legacy has already been made thanks to those two performance. Below is a montage some kind bitch made of Julia's scene-stealing performance in Priscilla:

Robyn Lively (37)
Tina Majorino (24)
Ashton Kutcher (31)
Chris Rock (44)
Jason Gedrick (44)
Garth Brooks (47)
Eddie Izzard (47)
James Spader (49)
Emo Philips (53)
Miguel Ferrer (54)
Pete Postlehwaite (63)