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International supermodel, silver screen sensation and chart-topping and musical genius Phoebe Price has arrived to host this Grammys open post for you. And how dare you ask "Why is she there?" I know you're thinking that shit and you should be ashamed of yourself. Bitch is nominated for her stirring and emotionally raw song "I Kissed My Dog." Okay, no, she's not, but she should've been! And the Grammy whores realized that, so that's why they invited her as their VISF (very important seat filler). Although, she might lose her position when some bitch gets angry that PP's lil' feathery hatlet is blocking their view.

Yes, it's the Grammys and it's like 45-hours long or some shit. It's going to be a long night. Get your sleeping blankets out, grab a few granola bars for protein, put on a clean diaper (just in case you shit yourself out of boredom) and find the strongest shit in your house to help you get through this fuckery. Regular booze isn't going to do it for you. You might have to suck on some Ty-D-Bol in order to deal.

Chris Brown allegedly beat a bitch in a car at around 12:30 this morning and the cops are currently investigating it. The shit went down after Chris and the chick (most likely RiRi) started arguing inside the car. They both got out of the car and that's when shit got violent. Chris allegedly delivered a beat down on the woman and then left the scene when the she called the police. When they arrived, the victim was visibly busted up and said Chris was the one who laid it down on her. The cops refuse to give the chick's name. They are now looking to speak to Chris and may arrest his ass.

Chris and RiRi were supposed to appear and perform at the Grammys tonight, but it was announced that both of them canceled. They won't be performing or walking the carpet. A source told The Insider that RiRi's face is "slightly bruised."

It wasn't not funny! Why didn't RiRi retaliate by knocking that stupid cunt with her alien tenhead of wonder?!

You don't hit the Alien Princess! I hope her alien subjects from her home planet beam down on to Earth and handle this shit.

UPDATE: TMZ reports that the new Ike Turner is no longer on the run. Chris turned himself into the police tonight. There apparently was a warrant out for his arrest. Oh shit! And I just saw his Doublemint commercial during the Grammys. Pulling an Ike Turner on RiRi is not minty fresh.

When Sally Farmiloe, the Chicken Cutlets of Britain, arrived at the BAFTAs in London tonight, every whore in that joint should have gone home. It was done as soon as Sally hit the red carpet. They should have bestowed all the awards on her and called it a night. Seriously, this is how you show you up to a fucking event. You put on your finest sparkles and throw your dignity in the trash! This is how it's done. And it's also nice to see that Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" wig has a found a new home on Sally's head.

I wasn't joking when I said that all those whores should have quit that bitch when Sally arrived, because there was a whole lot of fug on that damn red carpet. It looks like a dump truck dropped trash all over that shit. Bitches looked beat! Below is a few pictures of the raggedy ass hos of the BAFTAs. Goldie Hawn is looking like she needs to take a good, long 2-hour fart. Actually, she might have let one out and Daniel Craig's piece got a good whiff of it, because she's smelling something nasty.

And the look on Penny Cruz's face in thumbnail #4 is the same face I've been making every time Kate Winslet wins something and goes on and on about how surprised she is. It's the "Bitch, stop acting like you don't win shit" face.

The angels in heaven have gathered around in a prayer circle, because if St. Angie is wearing color, this must mean something is about to happen. They are preparing! Even the chick behind Angie Jo thinks something in the milk ain't clean about this shit. Yes, it's just a teensy shot of yellow, but Angie usually wears bland ass hospital gowns, so this is mind boggling. I bet you the dress was really all black, but when Angie stepped outside, the sun popped out and busted a load all over her because it was so fucking excited. That's probably what happened.

Here's St. Angie and whiserky Bradley Pitt at the BAFTAs (aka another awards show for them to win shit at) in London tonight. You know, Angie's dress would look a lot fucking better if it was on Jerry Hall circa 1979.

Usher's wife, Tameka Foster, went down to Brazil to get a little (or a lot) of plastic surgery action. Maybe she went to Brazil because she didn't want bitches to find out, or maybe she wanted some crazy shit they wouldn't do here, or maybe her plastic doctor of choice works his magic down there. Who knows? But unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and Tameka suffered a serious injury due to complications. Eesh.

Usher was supposed to perform at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night, but he had to cancel so he could rush to Brazil to be with his wife. It doesn't sound good, because Access Hollywood reports that a neurosurgeon from Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles is on his way to South America to treat Tameka. No, that doesn't sound good at all. Hopefully, Tameka gets fixed, eats the jello, feels better and runs away from that nip/tuck shit forever.

Usher's rep had no comment.

You know, I almost didn't know who this bitch was until I saw the sweaty pit drops on her dress and then I shouted, "IT'S FANTASIA!" I'd recognize those bawling pits from across the world! It's her signature and we should all slap our own pits in celebration, because bitch is consistently sweaty. But Fantasia did try to pull her mess together at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night in L.A. The dress was a step in the right direction, but bitch should have covered up those prison yard "practice tattoos." I will forgive her for that, because those yellow ass nails take her look to a whole new level of sophistication. They serve a dual purpose though. When Fanny goes to parties, she hates not having all her favorite sauces around while she's eating horsey dervies (that's what she calls them). So now, she can pour dipping sauces into each nail and all her favorite flavors are at her fingertips. Literally!

Whitney Houston was also at Clive's party last night and she sang. As usual, everyone said it was her triumphant return and she sounded glorious. If I took a crack hit for every time I heard that, I'd be as crazy as Bobby Brown. We get it. Whitney is back! And somewhere Jackie Collins is in a room shivering her ass off, because Whit stole her dress.

Below is a bunch of pictures of whores at last night's party. They are, in order: Fanny, Whit, JHud, Katy Perry, Queen Joan Collins, Chelsea Handler.... and... and.... Oh, who gives a fuck! Just click on a picture, say, "TRASH. NEXT!" and then move on to the next one. Repeat. When you get to Kelly Clarkson's picture, you might want to whisper your insult, because if bitch hears you, she might tackle your ass down.

The broad on the right is Mary Kate Hearon and she claims soggy Fishsticks Paltrow's GOOP is just a bootleg version of her newsletter The Weekly Beet. Page Six says that on her Facebook page, Mary told her friends that Fishy straight up copied her newsletter about eating seeds and pooping on banana leaves. Mary said she actually introduced Fishy to her newsletter a few years ago, because she knew she was into that grass-loving crap.

Mary went on to yap that she eventually met up with Fishy and surprise, surprise, she was a total organic cunt. Mary said Fishy "was sooooooo nasty to me, it was scandalous! Chris Martin, the utmost gentleman, stood to shake my hand, but she smirked and was silent when I asked how her dinner was . . . I never thought in a million years she'd . . . create her own site very similar to The Weekly Beet . . . Goop has the therapies I've tried, the foods I love, the detoxes that work! A lot of the same stuff!"

Fishy's friend said that Mary is vomiting up lies, because they have never even met.

You know, I think everyone in the world should consider suing Fishy. We need to have a meeting with Larry H. Parker. I mean, most of our assholes have been spewing out POOP for years and years. Class action lawsuit alert!

Back in December, I posted some shit about the thieving dog of Murray, Utah! The hot bitch slyly walked into a Smith's grocery store, headed directly for the pet aisle, grabbed a bone and busted out of that bitch without being caught! Well, technically, she was caught on video, but they didn't catch her ass! Until now. The bitch's owners made her turn herself in!

The bone robber's name is Akira and she belongs to the most elegant couple in Utah. They even drive a Hummer, so that means they have class! Akira's dumb bitch owners brought her back to the scene of the crime so she could dog up and pay for the bone. They are fun killers. Akira is going to piss in her owners' UGHS (you know they own a pair in every color) for doing this shit to her. Next time, homebitch better wear one of these.

When I was a kid, the only soap opera I regularly kept up with was One Life to Live. I recorded that shit on VHS tapes and watched it when I got home from school. That's dedication, because recording crap on VHS tapes was not fun or pretty. Well, anyone that has watched OLTL knows about the legendary Phil Carey who played Asa, the patriarch of the Buchanan family. He was the billionaire pepaw of my dreams! And now he's dead! Soap Central reports that Phil passed away at the age of 83 sometime this weekend. No cause of death was given, but Phil was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2006 and underwent chemotherapy.

Phil starting playing Asa in 1980 until 2007. After that, he came the show to do several cameos. Asa was known for his ten million marriages, Well, 14 to be exact. 14 to 10 different bitches. Renee Divine was always my favorite wife. If any two people on this planet belonged together, it was Asa and Renee!

Rest in peace, Phil.... Llanview and the rest of the world won't be the same without you!

Sharif, luxury fugbag designer from the Home Shopping Network - When I got home drunk last night, I immediately did one of my favorite things: watched HSN while pigging out on carbs. Stuffing my face might have been a mistake, because the handbags that came on my screen made me want to vomit all over my TV so I'd have something prettier to look at. Seriously, these things were all sorts of hideous. And the man behind this fuggery goes by the name of Sharif. He might be a genius. He's selling shit that most homeless bitches won't even carry and people are actually buying it. Check out this nastiness.

I can't lie, though. I totally ordered this one: