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What in the White Oprah dipped in diarrhea hell is this?! What is it? They tell me it's something called a Lindsay Lohan, but damn! They tried to Photoshop the cokeface off of her, but ended up turning her into a totally different species. And this crap is supposed to make you want to buy something she's selling! Hells no.

These two airbrushed to methland and back pictures are for HoHan's new line of caca in a spray bottle called Sevin Nyne. The number is important to her because it's probably the amount of times she ODed last year. Or maybe the number of genitals she licked on this month. Whatever. It means something.

When asked by People why she put out her own line of spray tan, she said, “As much as I love the sun, it is so bad for your skin. I have tried every product on the market and never found something that I loved. It was important to me to have a natural product that didn’t have a lot of dyes and chemicals. Our product has goji berry extract which has antioxidant properties, it has a natural golden color, it doesn’t streak and smells delicious — not like a typical tanning product.”

Translation: Bitch needs cash money. 8 balls and Red Bull don't come CHEAP!

Those of you who want to look like a Port-A-Potty full of orange doody exploded all over you can buy HoHan's crap at Sephora for $35 a bottle.

The City Council Members of Medina, Ohio really know how to make a shitty meeting even shittier. In this clip, one gassy assy keeps blowing caca bubbles which causes every bitch in the room to laugh. Those are some booming farts. And they sound wet too. I can't.

I watched this crap a zillion times trying to figure out who the culprit is. I've decided it's the pepaw sitting all the way to the left. He isn't moving and it doesn't look like he's laughing. Bitch is too busy trying to squeeze those cheeks to stop the fartery. Or maybe the sound dude left Brit Brit's mic on again. You know her queefs can travel.

VIA Fox 8 (Thanks Ben)

Last night's premiere of Dancing with the Sores gifted me with the most horrific image that is now burned into the side of my brain. This is what I will see hanging over my bed of nails in my cell in Hell. There will be a frame made out of CROCS surrounding it.

Why did that hot dick from Sex and the City have to run his finger in between CHERYL BURKE'S stale donut balls? You know she put him up to that illegal shit. Horny ass CHERYL BURKE was practically foaming at the mop head over him. I'm pretty sure that next week she's going to choreograph a dance which involves her licking his taint. Mop Head is so transparent. I just want to wring the filth out of her! And there's a lot.

The rest of the episode played out like an episode of fucking Identity. Even when they played their bios, you still had no fucking idea who the bitch was. Like that boring fucking ho from The Bachelor who I just want to forget. This ho made Holly Madison look like the most accomplished whore in the world. You know it's a fucking mess when Harold Wheeler, the musical director, is more famous than one of the stars. Of course, the bitch was good. First of all, her ass is a damn ra-ra cheerleader. Second of all, she doesn't have a damn job so she can fucking practice all day and all night! It's not fair. But I hope the producers get wise and dump her ass in the next couple of weeks. And you know they are going to bring Jason back on to do the honors. They are milking that Bachelor shit.

As for the whores who didn't cause my eyes to roll like I was fucking Wino after a heroin fix, there were only two. That was Lil' Kim and The Woz. My eyes didn't roll with Lil' Kim, because they were too busy trying to figure out her face. HER FACE. I just want to throw a q-tip at her and watch her go crazy. She's like a surprised cat 24-hours a day. If you threw a sombrero on her head and placed her on the It's A Small World ride at Disneyland, nobody would even suspect she doesn't belong. Because of this, she's actually entertaining to watch. And I'm just waiting for the day her face finally pops off and goes flying through the studio like a frisbee.

Now for The Woz. The Woz! He's like Teddy Ruxpin on massive amounts of ludes after getting a 20-man train ran on him. From his first step to his last, my mouth was wide open. It was a fucking glorious wreck. He needs to do weddings and funerals. And the fact that he was paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice made it even better. The Woz better win this shit or at least stay until the end. The world needs to see him shake that hairy bear ass during the mambo. Click here if you missed this beautiful disaster.

My prediction on who is going back to irrelevancy next week is: Denise Richards or Belinda Carlisle
My prediction on who CHERYL BURKE will work her black magic on next is: Holly Madison

Posh did this to herself! If the ho wasn't blinded by her own ridiculousness, she'd see the statue of her long-lost ancestor and sit far away from it! This is some Twilight Zone shit.

Here's Posh at Becks leaving some restaurant in Milan last night. If you stare at her dress long enough she'll either disappear or you'll have a fucking seizure. If the latter happens, take your shaky ass down to your lawyer's office and sue the ho! Attack with a deadly (fill in designer's name here).

Fringe gone wrong: Rachel Bilson looks like an old-timey bordello lampshade - Hollywood Tuna

Watchmen gives us titties, but no real peen (the blue shit don't count). Boo - Egotastic!

Rachel McAdams and Josh Lucas stage kiss for the cameras - Just Jared

Whoa. Cat Cora is a gayelle... and she's pregnant.... and so is her partner... from two different men... - Towleroad

Fried hot dogs & Kool-Aid: The perfect Mimi video - Cityrag

JLo looks different... - Popsugar

Lady CaCa brings her crotch to The View (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

A better nickname for Katherine Hagel would be dumbstupidcuntwhoreslagassholebitch - Lainey Gossip

Jennifer Aniston hates ferrets. And now you know - Hollywood Rag

Becky Romjin Lettuce goes from TV tranny to TV witch - Zap2It

This was probably you a couple of minutes ago and again in a couple more. It's James Franco doing what you're supposed to do during class at Columbia University. The other people in the picture are doing it wrong. They should be sleeping off their hangovers too.

This is what you do everywhere: in meetings, on the subway, in your car in traffic, while babysitting a newborn, while blogging (this explains a lot) and so on and so forth. And I know you're going to spend the afternoon (after napping, of course) Photoshopping your head under James' hands. Bitch totally looks like he's getting his peen sucked.

Source: TMZ

It feels like it's been a while since we've had some peen on this here site. It's been dry. So smother your monitor with lube and get ready. This peen is courtesy of Eric (the trick of the left) from the Amazing Race 7 and 9.

Eric confirmed to L.A. Rag Mag that he squeezed the Twinkie (until the cream popped) on webcam. He told them, "Yeah, I did a jerk session for some girl who apparently took some stills. Could be worse." Okay, enough stupid talk. The wang and lotion is after the jump. And I shouldn't have to tell you, but unless you work at the place who publishes the sperm cookbook, this shit is NSFW. JUMP TO THE PEEEEEEEN!!!

The madness never ends. TMZ thinks they found the ho who sent the ten million page text message to Chris Brown that triggered the you know what. When RiRi read the message, she slapped Chris and that's when he Ike Turnered (thanks, Khia) her ass.

According to some police sources, the trick is Chris' 40-year-old manager Tina Davis. Chris was rumored to be licking on Tina's cougar pussy when he was just 16. So I guess she Letourneaud him? Chris and Cougar Tina both denied they were ever blowing jizz balls on each other.

The affidavit states the text message was about the two doing sexy times later on. It also states it was "from a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with."

The executives at Lifetime must be cumming through their nipples about all of this. I mean, domestic abuse AND now child touching? Get Rebecca Glasscock (as Rihanna), Emmanuel Lewis (as Chris Brown) and Wayne Brady (as Tina) on set! We've got a mini-series to make!

In other Ike & Tina 2.0 news, E! says that Chris and RiRi are recording a duet together to be on his Greatest HITS album. I'm guessing it will be a cover of He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) or I Want To Beat You Harder (a redo of I Want To Take You Higher).

Which top model’s plastic surgeon is in big trouble? He accidentally spilled acid on her chest while they were having sex in his office. (Gatecrasher)

Fuck. This is why when you're about to do fucky times, you check the room for any kind of shit that can burn or electrocute your ass. In the heat of an orgasm, whores will grab on to anything. Getting the Joker's face on your titty area is not worth a nut bust. My guess is Janice Dickinson?

This actor has been spending beyond his means forever. It’s finally catching up to him. He recently sold off a couple of big ticket items and told friends it was just because he felt like downsizing a bit. Not true. With all the creditors knocking at his door, he actually needed to raise some fast cash. If he is unable to land a cash-heavy role soon, he may be desperate enough to jump back into the genre that made him his fortune in the beginning of his career, which would actually be rather funny. (Blind Gossip)

I don't think it's Will Smith or Marky Mark. It could be The Rock? But my first thought was Rick Schroeder? I guess I just really, really want a Silver Spoons reunion! Erin Gray needs a comeback.

Things are starting to get ugly in the lives of these two exes, and we’re surprised. You’d think all was well in the land of these past lovers, and it really has been for years. They got along just fine, even managed to chat nicely during functions involving their child(ren). But add a new lover to the mix and things change. They are barely speaking and our source says that friends are awfully worried that things might come to a head. Too bad, really. We thought these two were going to be a good example about how to break up without breaking everyone involved. (Buzz Foto)

Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee?

It's decision time. What will our A-/B+ movie actor do? Will he choose the barely a celebrity friend or will he choose his A list actress friend? While the barely a celebrity celebrity friend doesn't mind sharing, it seems that our A list actress does. She doesn't want the bad publicity that the barely a celebrity friend brings and have it damage her A list career or squeaky clean image. Oh, and she especially doesn't want to have to answer questions or be ridiculed if certain pictures ever see the light of day. (CDAN)

Jakey, Reese and Austin Nichols?