Archives

Here is more proof that Anne Heche's brain is living on another planet. The planet of ABSOLUTELYFUCKINGNUTS. Over the weekend, Celestia and the dude she cheated on her husband with, James Tupper, brought a baby boy into this world. The real world. According to UsWeekly, they already hate him because the name they wrote on his birth certificate was: Atlas Heche Tupper.

Atlas has a half-brother named Homer. Atlas and Homer. Just because those names belong in books doesn't mean it makes Anne Heche look smarter. It makes her look crazier. Poor Atlas. If you say it really fast, it sounds like assless. That's not right.

Just for shits, I googled Atlas Heche Tupper. The first page of images had a picture of Anne's nutso face, the sax-playing walrus, a pierced ho putting a spear through his tongue and the rest of the pictures were of dogs. That tells you everything. If you google your baby's name and the page is mostly filled with pictures of furry animals, that means it's a damn pet name! It's not a baby name.

Whoever is holding Anne's string, please let it go and allow her to float back into space.

I normally don't comment on The Real Housewives of NYC, because they don't make my skin pucker the same way the bitches of Atlanta and OC do. But I just had to share with your asses Ramona's bizarre out-of-this world special ed dance moves from last night's episode. It's the kind of dancing you would see at the loony bin social after somebody spiked the punch with acid.

Nobody else was dancing and I doubt there was even music playing. Ramona dances to the beat of her own crazy. Those few seconds just confirmed to me that I need to drop E with Ramona and crash one of the Cuntess' extra-classy charity galas.

Okay, I'm all for a bitch doing what she has to do to get that pussy purring. If you got to go down to Home Depot and flirt with some power tools in hopes one might take you home and drill you down, FINE. But is a nut bust really worth turning your vagina into fucking shredded beef? The ho in this story answered a fuck yes to that question.

The 27-year-old woman of Saint Mary County in Maryland was airlifted to a hospital after a saber saw done fucked up her pussy. The woman and her dick for brains boyfriend decided it would be really fucking sexy to get all America Psycho on her vagina and fuck it with a "sex toy" (I'm assuming a dildo) attached to a saber saw. It wasn't long before the blade on the saw cut through the dildo and straight up turned her sugar walls into some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. The dumb bitch went from screaming "Oh baby" to "Oh baby my pussy fell off!!!!"

The bitch was released from the hospital on Monday. She told police that the idiotic sex act was consensual and no crime was committed. Yeah, tell that to her pussy. May it rest in fucking peace. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY?! I mean, I hope that when they got home she took a power drill to his asshole so he can see how it feels. A SAW UP YOUR PUSSY? I still can't. She will never watch an episode of Home Improvement the same away.

And if you have a vagina, I hope you kept your hand over it the whole time. It didn't need to see this story. If it did, it would have turned inside out and closed its doors forever. It's not the one!

Source

Blender Magazine asked the tough questions to Kelly Clarkson. They asked her if she goes pee pee while washing herself in the shower. Kelly's answer? "Anybody who says they don’t pee in the shower is lying.”

Kelly is right. We all do it. Don't. Don't lie. Don't. We all do. I mean, you're standing there and the showerhead is raining on you. Your pee hole gets a little jealous, so it starts raining too. Everyone gets in on the fun and there's smiles everywhere!

I even get a sick satisfaction imagining my pee running down the drain, traveling through the pipes and pouring back out through another showhead on some random bitch's face. It's like we're all doing golden showers to each other. Sucio ass bitches. The lot of us!

P.S. - That Lady CaCa quote makes me want to vom, shit and piss in the shower.

VIA OK! Magazine

Damn! Jude Law was thisclose to getting his junk handled. This would have completed Crotch Grab Wednesday. But I'm sure that grabby bitch managed to get in a good one without the cameras catching her. And then ten seconds later, the whole joint was flooded in panty pudding. I bet it was like badly mixed butterscotch.

You can't blame that molester. When you're sitting next to Jude Law, you either pour Chia Pet seeds and Miracle-Gro on his head or you scratch and sniff his crotch.

Here's Jude Law at The Box in NYC the other night. Hold up. Hand me my handcuffs. Are those bitches smoking indoors? CITIZEN'S ARREST! No, Jude wasn't hold a ciggie, but he's an accomplice. I'll have to do a cavity search and by that I mean he'll have to do one on me. With his peen. Sorry, Jude. Those are the rules. Don't hate me. Hate Mr. Law Maker Person.

Chris Brown's pr whores must have busted him in the head finally, because dude got a clue and pulled himself off the list of nominees at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards. Chris was nominated for two awards which made a mob of parents scream hells naw. Bobby Brown will take his place instead. Nooooo!

Chris' spokeswhore issued this little statement today:

"Chris very much appreciates the support of his fans and the honor they have paid him in the way of nominations for Favorite Male Singer and Favorite Song.

Unfortunately, the controversy surrounding the incident last month has shifted the focus from the music to whether he should be allowed to be among those nominated.

While Chris would like to speak to his fans directly about this and other issues, pending legal proceedings preclude his doing so at this time. Once the matter before him has been resolved, he intends to do so."

"The incident?" That's what my family calls the time I farted in the bath tub and failed in a big way. My mom walked in to what looked like me sitting in a bowl of soggy Cocoa Krispies. I was 7. Okay, it was last week.

And now you can cancel your plans to break into the awards show to replace the slime with toxic acid milked from Parasite Hilton's snatch.

Jon Hamm brings the sex....even in a busted ass, broke down, Kim Zolciak-made bald cap - Funny or Die

Slumwhore Millionherps - Hollywood Tuna

OctoMommy's craziness is contagious - TMZ

The Grey Gardens tailer: Jeanne Tripplehorn as Jackie O made me do a quadruple take - Towleroad

Kingston Rossdale is just trying to get to Brit Brit's Cheeto stash - Popsugar

The new Nicole Kidman and Tommy Girl - Lainey Gossip

Katy Perry sexes it up in Esquire - Egotastic!

AnnaLynne McCord busts up her Mini Cooter - Just Jared

Can I buy a nipple? Vintage Vanna White being all topless-like - Cityrag

Lil' Kim's lop-sided cameltoe (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Mandy Moore and Fleabag McGreasy jumped on the shot gun bullet train and road it all the way to the alter in Savannah, GA on Tuesday. Their talking bitch confirmed this all to UsWeekly. Mandy and Ryan barely announced their engagement last month.

Try not to swallow your tongue when Mandy pops out a baby hipster in a few months. A little baby hipster who is really moody-like, is allergic to shampoo and will tell you they have no money when the bill for their two beers arrive (you know who you are).

I really, really hope Mandy's vows were the lyrics to Candy. That is some good shit.

The need to gently cup the peen is in the air, because this is the second crotch grab of the day. It comes courtesy of Joe Montana's (he used to play football or something) 18-year-old son Nate Montana. Nate gave a little love to the goods while on vacation in Hawaii. Every now and again you just got to give a little "hi" to tell it you're thinking of it.

And don't blink at all today while you're out whoring, because you might miss a dick grab. That shit is floating around and it's the little things that keep your wet parts humming.

Here's Nate with his daddy a couple of days ago. Yes, I'd hit Nate, especially in those Camp Beverly Hills shorts. And yes, I'd hit Joe at the same time. Hey, if they don't touch or look at each other, it's not wrong!

OK! Magazine says that the chosen one and the robot one will soon have themselves a little "tea party." Stepford Katie came up with the idea when she ran into the holy ones at a Golden Globes party a while back. Tommy Girl is also into it, but you know he'd rather have a private teabag party with Brad.

Some source said that Katie also wants Suri to start hanging out with girls her age instead of creepy adults, but because of security reasons not just anyone can come over. The source went on to yap, "Katie loves entertaining and spoke to Angelina about having an at-home tea party with cupcakes for the girls. Katie told Angelina she just knew Suri and Shiloh are going to get along fantastically well."

The source also says Zahara is also invited, but you know that girl wants nothing to do with that crazy alien shit. Zahara already gave a big "NO THANKS" to the invite, because drinking barley water is not her idea of a good time.

And I doubt it's a tea party. Suri knows that Shiloh has snuck out of her ivory tower a few times before, so she's trying to get her help so she can finally make a break for it. Shiloh's going to bring over saucers with maps on the bottom of them and a tablecloth that doubles as a parachute.

VIA Cover Awards