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File this under: This bitch needs to spend some time with her bong (and her stylist needs to spend less time with it).

Lily Allen got pap slappy in London today. Homegirl went crazy on a mob of pappies after one of them bumped into her car. Bitch got out of her car, flew a water bottle at one pap and then slapped at another. Right Hook Lily had to be taken away by her security.

You know, I would be filled with all sorts of anger if I was wearing that shit. JUST LOOK. Scan your eyes down. If your eyes haven't burned off, you know what the real crime here is. Ug-Ug-UGGGGGGGS!!!! And she's actually slapping something else while wearing FUGGS! Bitch needs to turn that fist around and hit herself! Hit herself in the damn eyes for wearing that shit. Then she needs to punch at those FUGGS, rip them off and douse them in water. Lock this ho up and throw away the key. The act of Fuggery is a criminal offense!

Looking at this whole outfit is making me want to whoop a trick. And I love how her security guard is just thinking "This bitch again...." as he slowly pulls her away.

At a Fendi party in Paris last night, the human 8-ball known as Kate Moss did what she does best while sitting with young Leonetta Fendi. First of all, she was watching Beth Ditto shaking her ham hocks so you'd be out-of-your-brains tanked too. Second of all, Lil' Leonetta is learning how to be a fucked-up mess from one of the best! You have to learn some day, so you might as well as learn from the cokey master! Although, Leonetta is sitting a little too close. She could accidentally breath in a rogue particle. At this point, she should be observing, not participating. But you know Kate asked her if she was holding.

This shit was a Fendi party and I couldn't find any pictures of Karl Lagerfeld! The zombie queen probably died for good when Beth Ditto stripped down and started jiggling her business. You know that shit's a good party when Kate Moss is boozing with a child and the living dead dies.

Which feisty singer has an insatiable appetite for toe sucking? Her bemused boyfriends are ordered to wash their feet before every bed session. (3am Girls)

This shit comes from the UK, so I'll say Lily Allen or Wino? Actually, Wino wouldn't want them to wash it. She likes that jam!

Which newly engaged lesbian would be horrified to discover her main squeeze has been sleeping around ... with men? (Gatecrasher)

Cat Cora?! No, they are both knocked up. I'll guess Queen Laqueefah?

Which aging supermodel is planning a fake lesbian romance to get the tabloids interested again in her flagging career? (Stylelist via Blind Gossip)

Janice Dickinson?! But that bitch is straight up aged already.

Which star keeps the knickers of his conquests as trophies? His current squeeze nearly dumped him when she found a drawer full of girls' panties. (3am Girls)

Robbie Williams?

Which “Celebrity Apprentice” was such a boozebag behind the scenes that all alcohol had to be removed from the set? (Gatecrasher)

The better question would be, who wasn't? But I'll guess Andrew Dice Clay or The Rodman?

Could it be that a certain bearded lady is sporting a bit of stubble? So say sources close to the buoyant babe who tell me that she’s moved on from her messy marital machinations by stepping out with a well-known gay blade who’s dated his share of Sapphic senoritas. When the pretty palomino began showing off her legal eagle stud to friends, they warned the dazed ditz that she’s repeating her past mistakes. She simply laughed and says, “Don’t you think I’d know if he was gay?” Umm…NO! (Billy Masters)

Vadge was my first guess, but the "legal eagle" shit must mean it's probably Dan Abrams? Dan is currently dating Squinty Zellweger. Squinty will never learn!

Today's dumb bitch of the day is a soggy sea creature from a land called Pretentia who, despite what she says, hasn't taken a real good dump in a long ass time. It explains why she's so full of POOP.

In Fishsticks Paltrow's latest GOOP newsletter, the all-knowing and always-perfect piece of snobbery spelled two bitch's names wrong! Okay, I know I'm the last ho who should be calling a bitch out on their spelling mistakes since I have the spelling skills of a shoe-fucking turtle, but it's rich coming from this hag. This hag who believes she can do no wrong. Couldn't she hire a damn slave to check this crap?

You know what's going to happen? Seth ROGEN and SOFIA Coppola will both issue statements saying that they are now changing their names to Rogan and Sophia. They realize that's the way they were meant to spell their names all along. Fishy showed them the light. WATCH.

Here's the owner of the biggest ass stick giving her signature smug face while wearing a Kabbalalahalalalaah bracelet in London last night.

That CHERYL BURKE really is made of pure evil and lard. How dare she cast a black spell on that poor innocent teddy bear of a man! The Woz waddled out of practice with Karina Smirnoff Ice yesterday wearing a cast on his leg! I just know Mop Head made his leg quit that bitch. It probably relieved because holding up all that man isn't an easy job. I think Caterpillar has passed on that job a few times.

The Woz will not be the latest Dancing with the Has-Beens' victim! This cannot happen. I will pray light tea candles around my MacBook and pray through the night that his leg decides to start fully working again. The Woz may be broken down, but those chichis are looking mighty succulent.

In other Dancing with the Trash news, the curse might have finally backfired! Access Hollywood says that Mop Head's partner, the naked hot dude form Sex & the City, effed up his shoulder. His spokesbitch said, “His shoulder was hurt on Monday, but we just found out yesterday.”

CHERYL BURKE forced him to lift her ass without the help of a lifting belt or crane, right?! Bitch requires heavy lifting! Hos need to proceed with caution.

Hide your daughters? More like hide your unicorns and rainbows! - Towleroad

Matt Damon looks like Spencer Pratt in 5 years - Popsugar

Arlo Weiner is my fashion inspiration - GQ

Prince for Target: I'll take 3 of each (just in case they stain easily) - Crunk + Disorderly

Beyonce's tittays look like two partially microwaved Snickers bars - Egotastic!

Parasite Hilton and her long-lost twin - Hollywood Tuna

And Julia Roberts looks like she's terrified too - Hollywood Rag

Ottawa loves the Muff, hates Underwears - Lainey Gossip

You know you want to drizzle hot sauce on this and take a bite (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

OctoMommy really is rich. Bitch shops at Target! - Just Jared

Fat pussies got it made - Cityrag

Come on, just tickle him with your tongue. Come on! - ONTD

Pop the bong! Cheech Marin is engaged - People

That question was the headline all over the intrawebs after Kelly Clarkon's performance on American Idol last night. They know this ho isn't knocked up. She recently said that she doesn't want any chirruns in her life. This is just their way of saying that the bitch looks like she snacked on a Hometown Buffet, chomped on a Claim Jumper and washed it all down with a Chili's. They wanted to write that when she was singing "My Life Would Suck Without You" she was thinking of Krispy Kremes. Damn. Just say it! We're all fucking cunts here. It's fine.

Yeah, bitch added a little chunk, but I think Kelly's "Stevie Nicks on the ho stroll" outfit is mostly to blame. Did this bitch not learn anything from the big-tittied frog?

Anyway, now to the whores who went back to the world of broken dreams. I don't understand how that Anooooop bitch ended up in the bottom 4? Everywhere I go, all I hear is Anoooop. I swore that bitches voted for him only because they want to keep shouting his name every week. That ho never did it for me. He always reminds me of that one IT guy in every office who gets drunk and starts singing like a fool at the office Christmas party. Throw pancakes at me (delicious), but I would have rather he went and Jorge stayed. American Idol is already a fucking extra-large fondue pot filled with burnt cheese, but Jorge takes it to a whole new level. There's a Carnival Cruise funship calling his name....

Now about Jasmine. And by "Jasmine," I mean her mother. We must never forget. And last night she brought out the elegant nails. That made it hurt even more. Can't we replace Lock Jaw DiGrossi with Jasmine's mother? She can just sit there, smirk and silently cheer. We hardly knew her!

No, this isn't a sex tape of JLo and Skeletor shot the night they conceived the Dragon Tale Twins. Although, I totally thought it was. It's a turtle air fucking a slutty ass shoe and make it his whore!

Was the close-up of the turtle's peen really damn necessary? It reminds me of my last boyfriend. So does the baby coo it makes while it's trying to hit that shoe from the front. I went through several "therapy" sessions with Dr. Jack Daniels to forget that horrific memory. It kind of looks like a claw on Parasite Hilton's feet.

(Thanks Stephanie, THANKS)

They tell me this is JLo in NYC last night, but I am not so sure. The face doesn't fit. JLo must have snuck into Mariska Hargitay's hospital room and stole something that belongs to her...like her fucking face! This is some Law & Order: SYF (Stole Yo Face) shit. Get Det. Stabler on the case!