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RiRi rolled out of the shower (or is that pomade smegma?), slipped on some WTFish boots and headed to some meeting in NYC this afternoon with her permanent sunglasses on. Yeah, they don't come off.

Since RiRi is in my neighborhood, I feel it's my duty to sweep that bitch up, take her to the lobby of the HoJo's at Penn Station and perform an acoustic version of Pebbles "Girlfriend" for her. Bitch needs to listen to the message. After that, I'd find a talent show to enter her ass into, because it looks like she can do a fucking serious Morris Day impersonation. The prize money will be mine!

In other Ike & Turner 2.0 news, People says there is and never was a duet between the two as was previously reported. A source said that Chris and RiRi recorded a demo of a song last year, but that shit was never meant to be a duet for them. The source added, "Nothing has been recorded by Chris and Rihanna together since February."

Translation: One of their whores finally got fucked in the ass with the clue stick and put a stop to that fuckery.

That could also work as the title of a HoHan/Samro sex tape should one ever surface.

Okay, this is really about a couch and a pussy, but cooch sounded so much better. Besides, cooch, couch! Kind of the same thing. Both are nice to lay on while watching TV. Although, I've been known to stick it in between couch cushions (that's some Nip/Tuck shit), but not in a cooch. I'm joking! No I'm not.

Now let's get out of the gutter and into this story. Vickie Mendenhall of Spokane, Washington went down to her local Value Village and bought a used couch for $27. Vickie brought the couch home and for the next couple of days heard some kind of meowing sound coming from it. Bitch probably thought her vag was rumbling again. Well, one night, her man, Chris Lund, was watching TV and felt something moving from inside. I would've slapped my ass lips thinking they were just acting up again, but Chris smartly pulled the sofa away from the wall. When he lifted it up, he found a hongray pussy inside!

Vickie immediately called the Value Village, but they had no idea who donated the couch. So Vickie took the stowaway pussy to the shelter she works at so that it could get its shit together and eat something. Vickie also contacted the local news and went on TV in hopes of finding the owner.

That shit worked, because Bob Killion claimed the pussy after one of his friend's saw it on TV. Bob donated the sofa to Value Village the same day his cat Callie went missing. And all was well again! But I bet you Chris misses the built-in massager in the couch now that it's gone.

And in the video below, the chihuahua at the 0:40 looks like he wants to crawl up into the couch and stay there for a long ass while. Bitch has got those "get me the fuck out of here" eyes.

Source

Lady CaCa looked like a giant butt nugget surrounded by fart bubbles at the opening night of her tour in San Diego last night. This might have worked if there were hamsters in each bubble. Rabid hamsters that would have broke out of their bubbles and mauled her face, which would have been an improvement.

The Empress of Lucite is lying in a pool of tears at the sight of those exquisite lucite heels being wasted on Lady CaCa. This is not what Shauna Sand had in mind for the future of lucite!

In all honestly, if Bjork was wearing this Don Ho shit, I'd probably get on my eyes and worship her. But it's not Bjork, it's Lady CaCa, so it looks like just a pile of queef bubbles on a big turd.

Zac Efron looks like he was the victim of a salad tossing gone wrong on the cover of Interview Magazine. They also declare him as the future. The future of what? The future of bronzer? The future of dance breaks? The future recipient of a restraining order from Leonardo DiCaprio? The future co-star of a sex tape with James Franco (OH PLEASE GOD YES)?

Interview needs to stop hogging all the heroin-laced crack and share.

Just like that, JLove has a new coochie warmer! Jamie Kennedy told Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM radio show this morning that JLove is clapping those ass cheeks for him and he gets all slobbery wet for it. This comes just a few short months after JLove quit the love she had with Ross McCall. How soon the snatch turns.

This just isn't any ordinary love. This is thee love. A Twilight kind of love. Seriously, this is the kind of cheesy vomit that came spewing out of Jamie's mouth this morning, "I thought it was something I would find in my 40s. It's like, 'Wow, you are hot. You can sing, you can dance, you’re, like, so smart and, wow, you can cook pasta fagioli too.' We have an intense connection. She's my Bella. I don't want to bite her neck, but I want her to live. I'm in love, and I don't care!"

That's not love, bitch is straight-up assmatized. Jamie needs to focus less on that love shit and try to find the cure to the disease that's slowly turning him into fucking Brendan Fraser!

Furthermore, JLove is a lost cause. You can do nothing but roll your eyes and hit the "next" button. Bitch ain't complete unless she has someone to text shit like, "i luvz u so much hugz," to every night. You know the type. The kind of bitch you only see or talk to when she's not in barf-inducing looooove. Then when they get their hearts butchered, they call you to say how much they miss you. I always pick up the phone, because those hos make it up to you by picking up the bar tab after your "reunion." It's like an open bar every few months!

VIA USWeekly

Karl Lagerfeld is obviously disgusted by the fact that the cake is so FAT - Lainey Gossip

Mena Suvari has Legoman hair - Hollywood Tuna

Bar Rafaeli can't breathe oxygen unless she's wearing a bikini - Egotastic!

EZ-Comb's new spokesmodel - Cityrag

Jewel's wonkafied cleavage (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Nicole Richie wearing one of Mrs. Roper's old ones - Popsugar

OctoMommy could use all that toilet paper to wipe the shit that comes out of her mouth - OMG!

Peta wants to make tofu using George Clooney's sweat. When do we eat?! - Hollywood Rag

Hugh Jackmeoff and a Japanese game show host go to second base together - Towleroad

Nicole Kidman and Sunday Rose's matching frozen heads - Just Jared

Jacko should take that money and get a face transplant before it falls off for good - Idolator

These rumors again: Brit Brit's pussy might be hanging out on Jason Trawick's face - Scandalist

*Images removed per request*

The most beautifulest creature on this planet we all live in temporarily slipped of her exquisite lucite heels to give back to those less fortunate. Yesterday, the epitome of elegance, Shauna Sand, visited a shoe orphanage on Melrose and gave some needy shoes a reason to go on. In fact, those boots were a pair of old, dusty, worn out UGGS ! When Shauna slipped her precious feet in them, glittered showered from the sky and a thunderbolt hit them. They were reborn! Now they are fit for a queen! Specifically, a queen who hosts bingo once a week at Hamburger Mary's.

And below is The Empress wearing the most elegant dress(?) your eyes did ever see. A dress that was made from the jizz drops of angels! My only wish in life is that Shauna will wear this ravishing ensemble while she's giving the eulogy at my funeral. And by "eulogy," I mean pole dance.

Radiohead were the damn princes of the Grammys and everyone wanted to lick up their ass juices. Unfortunately, they didn't feel the same way. Both Miley Cyrus and Kanye West whined about how the big bad meanies of Radiohead gave them a GET THE FUCK OUT enema after they both requested to meet the band.

Miley went on a radio station to whimper about the whole thing. It's so haaaard being a Disney whore! She said, "I'm like, these are the people I really want to meet. I'd freak out. They're my rock gods. These are the only people that I would cry over…My manager asked and said, 'Miley's really obsessed. And they were like, 'We don't really do that.' "I left 'cause I was so upset. I wasn't going to watch. Stinkin' Radiohead! I'm gonna ruin them, I'm going to tell everyone."

Well, Radiohead has ruined her with just a handful of words. When asked about Miley's tantrum, Thom Yorke told UsWeekly, "When Miley grows up, she'll learn not to have such a sense of entitlement." Cue Miley's response, "Entitle whut? Oh, tell that stinker mah car is bought an' paid fo'"

Thom doesn't know Miley the same way we all do. He's giving her way too much credit. That hillbilly trucker-voiced prostitot is never going to grow up.

And I think Thom Yorke is flirting with us now by saying amazing shit like that. Bust that wonk and keep the fightin' words coming.

Look kids! It's the broke down tranny version of Madame! Now that is the kind of shit that will get Janice DICKinson to whip out her wang and slap the shit out of you. Yesterday in L.A., Janice was getting out of her car when one pap asked if she had a sex change (HA!) and the other tried to take an upskirt picture of her post-op private business. This set Janice off and she made the pap erase the pictures.

Okay, if the dude actually got a clear shot of Janice's toxic zone area, there would be no need to erase the pictures, because there would be no fucking camera! That shit would have combusted as soon as its lens laid eyes on her Medusa snatch!

And remember that blind item about a model getting showered in acid during fucky times in her plastic surgeon's office? Yeah, it doesn't look like it's Janice. Unless the acid bounced the fuck off out of fear.

He can still see us......... I hate the police officers who made this dude take his mug shot with his eyes closed! Even when I shut my own eyes to stop the nightmare flames from torching my retinas off, I can still see him and his eyelids of HORROR.

The star of your nightmares has a name. He's Rosalio Reta of Texas. Rosalio was just one of the dudes who was arrested for a ton of murders he allegedly committed working as a hitman for one of Mexico's biggest drug gangs. CNN has the entire story, but I had a hard time reading it, because it felt like Rosalio was staring at me..... Killing me with his eyelids!

It probably didn't take much for Rosalio to murder a person. All he had to do was sneak up to them and close his eyes. That shit will make your heart jump out of your chest, run to the nearest graveyard and bury itself!

It really is Friday the 13th....