Archives

The two rabid cokey beavers known as HoHan and SamRo apparently went to war today and it got so fucking messy that the cops had to be called. One of those coketards even broke a front window. Blohan probably flipped out because SamRo plugged the toilet trying to flush down the bad shit after the po po came a knocking. So SamRo's favorite dildo went out the window!

The police rang the doorbell and expected to be asked in for tea and crumpets, but that shit didn't happen. Those rude motherfuckers didn't even answer. TMZ says that the cops were also trying to serve Blohan with the arrest warrant that was issued last night.

After ringing that shit for a while, the cops finally left SamRo's front door, paced the driveway for a bit and finally quit that bitch. Word is that HoHan's lawyer set her up with a court hearing on Monday morning to deal with fucking up her probation, so she probably won't get arrested this weekend. But if HoHan even sticks one of her caca-covered toes out in public, she could end up in handcuffs. So if bitch is smart (which she isn't) she'll keep her face in SamRo's hot bran muffin until Monday.

Blohan's lawyer told People that the whole arrest warrant thing is just a misunderstanding and they'll settle it in court on Monday. Her lawyer said: "Since her case was resolved, Ms. Lohan has been in compliance with all the terms and conditions of her probation and all orders of the court. The warrant issued on Friday was, in our view, born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week."

It's always a misunderstanding with these stupid ass celebwhores. If it was one of us, that door would have been broken down and our asses would have been dragged out screaming about how it's going to be massacuh if they don't let us go! By midnight our lips would be on concrete and our asses would be in the air. Real fucking talk!

It's like that?! I guess it is, because Prince Hot Ginge left Raffles in London last night with a little pink poking out of his pants and his nails covered in some fine, sexy polish. Bitch has got a freaky side! You know he's got a garter, pink thigh-highs and a bustier underneath his normal clothes. No-no popping shit!

Whatever game Prince Hot Ginge wants to play, I've got the dice for. I'll just swing by Vicky's Secret to get him something super pretty and then we can do this. I'll give him a manicure while he gives me a butticure. To quote Adina Howard: "I want a freak in the morning, a freak in the evening!"

In Little Ashes, the new movie that will make a few peens throb, Robert FancyPattz plays Dali and the role required him to do fake butt sex with the hot piece of hairy man sex known as Javier Beltran, who plays Lorca. Depending on which bitch you ask, the experience was either beautifully "tragic and painful" or totally nut-shrinking awkward.

First up is Javier! When asked about it by Out Magazine, he said, "We didn't have any problems with the sexuality. On the set it was less important than the emotions. The sex scenes are beautiful—tragic and painful."

Tragic and painful?! Hmm. They didn't have any lube, right? No lube, no problem! You can make yourself a very useful concoction right on your palm. Just spit, add a little nose snot, and if available, mix in a dab of dick butter. And if you're really desperate, just ask the recipient to push out the prairie dog. It's not for the faint of fart, but desperate fucky times call for desperate measures!

As for the magical Robert? He had this to say to GQ about that shit, "The hardest part was trying to do it doggie-style. Trying to have a nervous breakdown while doing it doggie-style. And it wasn't even a closed set. There were all these Spanish electricians giggling to themselves."

Nervous breakdown while hitting it from the back? It kept jumping out of the hole, didn't it? That is some nerve-wracking shit.

But seriously, doing butt sex (even fake butt sex) while Spanish electricians watch? What's RPattz's nightmare is my fucking dream of dreams!

Lily Allen needs to stop throwing fists and use her hands to throw this whole entire fugness on her body into the incinerator. Or at least donate it to a local memaw who will know the correct way to wear the fuck out of this ensemble. This really does look like an elderly ho's stoop sale busted a load all over Lily.

That sweater dress doesn't belong on a person. It belongs on a pillow on the sofa in some old queen's Palm Spring's vacation home with a bison frise named "Frances Ethel Gumm" chewing at it. And I can't even comment on the FUGGS in the room. My feelings on that subject have been heard loud and LOUDER.

This is Lily leaving some hotel in London with a smile on her face, because a court ordered a couple of pappies to stop bothering her ass. On Thursday, Lily attacked some pappies with her hands and a water bottle after they knocked into her car. There were reports that if the pappies decided to cry to the police about it, Lily could lose her US Visa which would mean her US tour would be canceled. Her spokeswhore said the tour has not been affected at all.

Lily's lawyer issued this statement yesterday: "In a court hearing that took place this afternoon, my client, Lily Allen, has resolved issues surrounding her constant harassment with two picture agencies and has also obtained from the High Court an injunction restraining further harassment of her by other paparazzi photographers."

But yet Lily is free to continue to harass our eyes with outfits that should never see the light of anything. The world is not a fair place.

A warrant has been issued for everyone's least favorite cokey 'gina bumper arrest. The charge? Assault with a deadly cokeface. Seriously, that mess above is some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT. Scratch that. This is some FIRE MARSHALL BILL'S SHIT!

Enough with the jokes, this is a serious (HA!) matter. Hollyscoop says that the Beverly Hills PD issued a warrant for Blohan's arrest stemming from her hit-and-run DUI back in 2007. Apparently, the meth-for-brains moron didn't do all the shit she was supposed to do like complete a booze program and perform 10 days of community service. Don't they know that Blohan is a celebwhore, which means she's above the law, which means she can't be bothered with petty shit like that. She's too busy sucking, snorting, boozing, fucking, eating and licking! The important stuff!

TMZ says she also could have failed a drug test (try not to eat your tongue in shock) or even skipped out on a drug test. The warrant is for $50,000. But a warning to all citizens of L.A.! The suspect is armed and dangerous with a nose that can snort you up in milliseconds and vagina lips that can strangle you in minutes!

The B.H. PD said, "It is our hope that Ms. Lohan will surrender herself so that this matter can be resolved in a timely manner."

Oh, shit! This would make my fucking weekend if that coketard and her partner in pussy SamRo went on the lamb! Bonnie & Clyde-style! All she needs is a pair of leggings, a strap-on and enough coke and Red Bull to last her for a few weeks. They can get in their car and drive, drive, drive, drive like the wiiiiind!!!!! Well, until they get into another fight and SamRo dumps Blohan out of the car and then calls the cops on her. Luckily for the cops, that's likely to happen before they even leave Los Angeles city limits.

Here's L.A.'s most wanted fugitive out in Hollywood last night. Only a White Oprah could love that face. Well, she will love it as long as that face keeps bringing home baggies filled with the bad shit.

Mayflower, the stumpy pony of Southahampton, England! - Mayflower is making bitches in the town go crazy, because when they drive by, they think a pony is stuck in the mud! This prompts their stupid asses to call for emergency help! Firefighters have been called out there 4 times only to find a hot bitch with short legs NOT in need of assistance. Mayflower just throws her head back and laughs at those dumb ass whores for being so damn stupid. She's got them all fooled! Although, if she does ever get stuck in the mud, nobody will call.... Fuck, she needs to figure that out.

For Sara

Megan Follows (41)
Jamie Bell (23)
Taylor Hanson (26)
Chris Klein (30)
Melissa Reeves (42)
Elise Neal (43)
Kevin Williamson (44)
Prince Albert of Monaco (51)
Rick Dees (59)
Billy Crystal (61)
Wolfgang Petersen (68)
Quincy Jones (76)
Michael Caine (76)