Even with that roach-eaten, ratty ass Where's Waldo? hat, Jason Momoa is still a titillating hunk of pure sex. Jason strolled the farmer's market in Los Angeles yesterday with Denise Huxtable and their kid Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa. I'm going to warn you again to not say Nakoa's full name too fast or a fucking rain cloud will appear over your head. Don't.
The vendors at the farmer's market must have been busting turds out of anger, because Jason's hotness kept making the produce ripen prematurely. Tomatoes turned inside out, ears of corn popped themselves and bananas were stripping themselves down. That man could make a cucumber fuck a squash.
Lisa Bonet must be praying to Jaleesa (she really is a god) every night to give her strength, because if I was her, I'd be on that shit every second of the day. You'd have to turn the hose on me and throw a ragey possum at my ass.
Why oh why did I know this rumor was coming?! I could smell this shit a mile away and it reeks like ass cheese and butt pimple puss (you know Chris has got some pimples on that ass). I mean, we already had the wedding rumors, the baby rumors, so why not throw in a sex tape rumor? You know, while we're here!
Star Magazine claims Chris Brown busted on RiRi in a different way and captured the precious moments on camera. Sources are saying that RiRi is afraid Chris is going to leak that shit for the world to see. The source went on to say, "Rihanna has no issues with her sexuality. But she'd be mortified if her friends and family found this out! This whole beating incident is terribly humiliating for her. She's already traumatized and will do anything to make it all go away as quickly as possible."
Okay, if you're a celebwhore and your bare ass is in the air while a camera is recording, there's a good fucking chance that the eyes of many will see it. Don't lose your breath when it leaks, because you had it coming!
If you're a narcissistic whore and need to see your shit doing fucky stuff, just hook the camera up to the TV so you can watch without recording it. Or delete that shit right away. Be smart! But personally, watching myself doing that nasty shit is like watching a horror movie. It's not fun or stimulating. I learned things about my body I never wanted to know!
The Crackie of Camden returned to her old snorting grounds last night for a nut of tricks, dicks and crackery! When Wino pulled up, the citizens of Camden probably closed their windows, the children ran for cover and everybody turned their lights out and put a garland of garlic on their front door. I don't know. Wino could have entertain them! They should have asked her to put on a pink leotard, a pair of tap shoes and do a little dance for them. That shit would've been like Goddess Bunny LIVE!!!
Wino was on her best behavior in Camden and didn't whoop a trick or snort up any innocent people. Bitch was fine! But I don't think those are panties she's wearing. That's probably what her coochie really looks like.
Russell Brand washed up to shore in Sydney, Australia yesterday and quickly zeroed in on a chick who was waiting for the ferry. Blohan's style twin slithered on over to the girl, turned on the sex and had his tongue down her throat in less in just a few minutes! Just like that, the girl had a case of the throat maggots. And you can't knock them out with q-tips dipped in rubbing alcohol! After he infected the poor bitch, Russell got on a boat and stripped down to his panties. A few second later, hundreds of storks drowned their asses in the ocean to stop the horrific image from replaying in their brains.
That being said, I'd hit it. Hey, at least he doesn't have skidmarks...that we can see.
If you need to punish yourself for whatever reason, then feast your eyes on Lady CaCa's nip - Egotastic!
Jimmy Fallon did it worse - Towleroad
Kristen Stewart gives good bitchface - Lainey Gossip
What happens next? - Cityrag
I'm ashamed to admit that I'm excited for the new Grey Gardens - Just Jared
If you squint, turn your head and blink really fast, they sort of look like LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian - Popsugar
Emma Heming could be the gold digger of the weekend. Get it! - Hollywood Rag
This morning on Today, Stephen Colbert, master of masters, admitted that he has twatted before. This made Meredith Viera's twatter twitter, because she was left speechless for a second. Meredith went to say, "So have I." Hey Meredith, if it was college or in The View green room, it doesn't count.
It's also pretty funny that the page they cut to at the end belongs to one of Twitter's biggest twats.
VIA News Wrecker
The goth tequila worm nobody wants to swallow has been calling the original Dita Von Teese on the phone to try and get her baby powder-covered ass on his face again. Marilyn must have gotten tired from trying to clone her a million times, so he just figured he should go back to the first.
However, Dita is not interested, because she's too busy putting some frequent-flier miles on her vag. Dita said, "He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, 'I made a big mistake'. And I'm like, 'Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.' Right now I’ve got three (men). They're all in different parts of the world... That's my biggest sin - juggling men."
Marilyn, stick your limp lechees into a tub of Crisco and forget about Dita, because she doesn't want it. She had the dick, it was sour, the after-taste is finally gone and now she's moving the fuck on.
And I really must stand up and perform the dick-slappy dance in Dita's honor. This bitch is doing it right. She's taking that pussy international! Eff Marilyn and fuck an Asian, French, Middle Eastern, African, Australian, English, Swedish, South American, Russian and Antarctican dude instead.
Why does Ryan Gosling make my nipples stand up and my nalgas clench? This, I don't understand. Dude is borderline steamed spinach without lemon.
I mean, he looks like one of those dudes who won't call you for weeks, but then magically shows up at your door to hit that shit. You resist at first, but then the asshole flashes a "Yeah, I know how to do this" smile and before you know it, you're on board the bust nuts express. And I bet you that seconds after he pops a mess all over you, he gets up and says he needs to go have a cigarette by himself. Bitch doesn't even give you a paper towel! And then he walks outside and never comes back! A few weeks go by and the cycle repeats itself. If you see him in a bar or on the street within that time, dude probably doesn't even say hi. He just nods his head and gives you one of those cocky ass smiles that makes your genitals cry.
Okay, I just answered my own question. Swoooooooon.
Alien Princess RiRi of the Universe stepped out in Hollywood last night wearing some shit made out of my mom's old 70s bedroom drawer liners. It's nice to see somebody put that shit to use. RiRi also kept her Ray-Bans at home. Good. "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" can finally be taken off heavy rotation in my head's playlist.
RiRi's own personal Mike Tyson was not around and E! is saying the two are on a "break." Not a permanent break. Just a break. To most of us, a break just means you just want different dick for a week. But for Ike & Tina 2.0 it probably just means RiRi is trying to keep her money safe. I'm thinking her bitches got all worried that she might lose cash for going back to the beast who attacked her ass, so they told her to take two steps back. And hopefully, she keeps on stepping back.
There's a floating peen out there that is aching to be Photoshopped into this Clive Owen picture - Socialite Life
Honk 4 for the pathetic buttface! - Popbytes
I am going to sue Joe Jonas for $4 billion - Gossip Teen
Recession who? Mimi's new rainbow castle will cost her $125 million - Holy Moly!
The Osbournes' variety show could be the biggest failure in TV history - Scandalist
Prince Willy says he has psychological power over Prince Hot Ginge. Can he bottle that and sell it at Rite-Aid, because the things I would suck if I had that power - Celebitchy
Eddie Cibrian denies that he's doing wrong sexy times with LeAnn Rimes - ICYDK
But that whole affair is probably just a cheap publicity stunt for their stupid ass Lifetime movie - I'm Not Obsessed