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Zac Efron has pulled out of the Footloose remake and will not butt fuck it to shreds. Paramount confirmed that Zac's twinkly feetsies will not fill the dance moves left behind by Kevin Bacon. That's the good news. The bad news is they plan to go ahead with this fuckery anyway!

They released this statement that smells like caca baking on a sidewalk: "Footloose is a project we've longed to see re-booted for a new generation. While Zac is no longer attached, we remain excited and committed to the collective brain trust of Kenny Ortega, Neil Meron and Craig Zaden, who will reinvigorate the franchise. Their fresh take on the film will undoubtedly be filled with the same kind of breakout performances that we've come to expect from them."

Translation: "We couldn't afford Zac's daily bronzer budget."

Paramount should take this as a motherfucking sign. If Zac Efron doesn't want to shake his starhole in their movie, then they should probably just file it under "Ideas that failed" and go on their merry way. This shit was obviously not meant to be destroyed. Maybe next lifetime.

Here's pretty pretty Zac sashaying his way through Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris today. Just ignore the Kanye West in the room. Pretend he's not there. It's for your own good. Several scientific professionals have urged me not to feed his ego after dark.

Time Magazine's ho of the year better be Aretha Franklin's damn inauguration hat, because that bitch is everywhere. It made an appearance in cake form at Aretha's 67th birthday party in Detroit on Friday.

Seconds after this picture was taken, the table and everything on it disappeared. Everyone immediately looked at Aretha and the single yellow rose petal resting on her upper lip.

In other news, ostriches are now extinct.

VIA Rhymes with Snitch

What is the world coming to?! Every whore and their day pimp is getting married! Even bitches that I never thought would say "I do," are saying "I DID!" David Letterman actually did it. He gulped down 12 scotches, took 10 crack hits and married his longtime homegirl of 23 years, Regina Lasko, at a courthouse in Montana on Thursday. David and Regina have a son Harry together.

ET says that David dropped the news to his audience during a taping of his show today. David said, "On Thursday, at 3 PM, March 19, 2009 at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko. Regina and I began dating in February of 1986, and I said, ‘Well, things are going pretty good, let’s just see what happens in about ten years.' I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I - honestly, whether this happened or not - I secretly felt that men who were married admired me…like I was the last of the real gunslingers, you know what I’m saying? So now, we get ready to go and we’ve got to drive into the courthouse and it’s muddy, and we’re supposed to be there at 2, and it’s me, Regina and Harry in the truck, in the pickup truck…So we get two miles from the house and we get stuck in the mud – I mean, turn the truck over, stuck in the mud. So now we think, ‘Well, somebody will come– no, nobody comes along. Nobody comes along – it’s Thursday afternoon, who’s coming along, Zorro? No, nobody – so I get out of the truck and I walk two miles back to the house into a 50 mile an hour wind. It’s not Beverly Hills, it’s Montana, for God’s sakes. And the whole way, I’m thinking, ‘See, smart ass, see, see, you try to get married, this is what happens. See, well, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Could have happened any other day, but you wait now, see, this is what you get.’ So then we get in the car and Harry says, ‘Are we still going into town?’ and I said, ‘Yes, we are,’ and he gets very upset because mom had told him if I wasn’t back in an hour, the deal was off.”

That's actually a cute story, but damn! Now I'm getting scared. I better keep my eyes to myself, because getting hitched is in the air. If I look at a bitch too long, I may find myself chained to them legally and that's not my idea of a hot time.

But at least all those celebwhores can stop asking Dave when he's finally going to make Regina an honest woman.

And I get the vibe from Regina that she spends Sunday afternoons making shit out of big pieces of wood with Rojo Caliente in Park Slope. That means she's a keeper. It also means I must follow her from now on, because she will lead me to the ginge hotness.

Jakey Gyllnehaal and Mike White tossed a few salads (and soup) during lunch in Los Angeles where I'm sure they talked about Mel White the whole entire time. Well, Mel and what their favorite brand of lube it.

But mostly they yapped about Mel, because what else is there to talk about? If you have no idea what I'm babbling about, then watch that Amazing Race shit, because Mike competes with his daddy Mel on it. Mel is seriously the big gay pepaw I never had! During last night's episode, he's one of the only bitches who figured out you had to use the basket to move the hay (no, that's not code for some gay sex act). The other dumb whores used their chichis! Stupid fucks. They got fucking served up by a 68-year-old dude! Mel proves that pepaws can do anything, even with a pulled groin.

Jakey is totally using Mike to get close to Mel.

No, this isn't Sarah Jessica Parker as The Joker in the next Batman movie, it's the mini creature that will crash my dreams tonight and turn them into a nightmare.

Artist Mari Kasurinen took My Little Pony and transformed her horsey ass into classic movie characters. It's pretty amazing that Mari made a creepy thing even fucking creepier. There's no way I could shut my eyes with one of those things in my apartment. Even if I threw it in the trash and put a brick over the garbage can, it would find a way out. Those twinkly eyes say "I will eat your face tonight" and that slimy grin adds "And I'll like it."

The My Little Edward Scissorhands has to be illegal in most states. It has knives instead of hooves!

And I'd totally hit My Little Jack Sparrow. WELL, I'd hit Johnny Depp anything!

Which closeted TV icon enjoys “watersports” in his bedroom? His steady stream of gentleman callers are a little grossed out by it. (Gatecrasher)

Those gentleman callers are weak. Partaking in golden showers is just another way to get clean...or dirty. Now, I don't really believe it's Mah Boo, but it was just an excuse to use that picture. Mah Boo only likes to tickle and cuddle. My real guess is Willard Scott?

Which OCD celeb is so scared of germs that she insists on having her toilet replaced in every hotel she stays in? (3am Girls)

I heard Vadge did this sort of thing, but I think Mimi might do it as well. And it's hard to find a Hello Kitty toilet.

This tween-pleaser is not making any buddies in Toluca Lake. She enjoys taking her doggies out for a walk, like any responsible doggy owner does. Is she allergic to latex though? Because she never picks up, and people are getting pissed about the mess. And this girl doesn’t need any more unpopular points from real life folk, trust us. (BuzzFoto)

Hannah Shittannah? And she better not be allergic to latex, because the world is not ready to end. And that's what will happen if she spawns.

Jacko as Cleopatra or England's finest Rose Jodie Marsh? - Holy Moly!

ScarJo's chichis make a comeback on French Vogue - Hollywood Tuna

There's nowhere safe for your eyes to land (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ciara takes a page (or a million) out of Sasha Fierce's handbook - Just Jared

It's a good day if Ryan Adams looks like he had a bath - Popsugar

Jakey Poo taught Reese everything he learned at Barbizon - Lainey Gossip

Christina Milian in Hawaii with The Dream. How can she keep a straight face when her boyfriend's name is fucking The Dream?! - Egotastic!

Spain has its own Pregnant Dude and this one is going to have twins - Towleroad

Bad ass best pussies - Cityrag

Chris O'Donnell still exists and he's not looking that shabby - Hollywood Rag

Birthday: February 2, 1948
Age: 61
Birth Name: Ina Rosenberg

Original Date of HS of the Day: March 20, 2009
Claim to Fame: Ina can do it fucking all. She's a military wife who worked at the White House, but got sick of that shit, so she bought and ran a store called Barefoot Contessa in New York. After the store closed, she started writing cookbooks which led to her show on the Food Network.

Where is she now? Probably sticking pins in her Sandra Lee voodoo doll.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Ina Garten does it all with grace and elegance. She's a self-taught cook, hostess and former house flipper! I have no clue why, but I'm fucking obsessed with house flipping. That's what Ina needs to do next: a house flipping show. I'd watch it until my eyeballs crusted over.

Kanye West probably spent most of his weekend slapping his own iPeen and covering this cover of Complex in even more white shit, because they called him "The Most Influential Brand In The Universe." What in the what?! What a way to jerk off his ego stick and lick on his powdered donut hole at the same time!

Who do they think he is? Mother's Cookies? Maybe that's who they really meant to call the "most influential brand," because all Kanye needs is some sprinkles and he'd almost look like a giant Circus Animal cookie.

And Kanye must think he's so different and edgy with those sparkly eyes. Note to Kanye, my eyes do that too whenever I gaze upon Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. My no no does it too. Simultaneously. Take that.

We should all spend this Monday afternoon by either giving a tiny fox a tongue bath or watching a video of a pussy giving a tiny fox a tongue bath. Yes, this clip brings the "awwws" to my heart momentarily, but I know what's really going on here. That pussy is totally preparing that fox for lunch. It's just like when we wash our vegetables right before we chop them up! Just when the cat starts sanitizing his own paws, the fox realizes the butchery that is about to happen and spazzes out of there! The jig is up! But he'll be back to get revenge!

Or maybe that gay ass meow music drove the fox away.

VIA Buzzfeed