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There are a million other uses for a ShamWow towel that we just don't know of. It can be used to clean up chunky doody off the floor after your asshole got a little too into it during butt sex. It also can be used to clean up barf that fell out of your mouth while you were having a seizure after ODing. AND you can use it to wipe up blood from a hooker's face after you beat her down because she tried to bite your tongue off! Vince should really show us the last one in his informercials, because it happened to him. A testimonial!

The Smoking Gun reports that the methed out version of Billy Mays was arrested in Miami last month after he got into a brawl with a hooker! It all started when Vince picked up the pussy peddler, Sasha Harris, at a night club. The two new lovebirds went back to his room at the Setai Hotel where Sasha told Vince it would cost him $1,000 to slap and chop her snatch. Vince agreed, and so the fun and games began. While they were making out, Vince told the police that Sasha bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go. This caused Vince to punch her several times until she let go. Once Vince had his tongue back in his own mouth and was able to get away, he ran crying and screaming into the lobby. Ahaha! Why do I picture the front desk bitch screaming, "Hey! You're the ShamWow dude!" while Vince was whining about his tongue almost getting bitten off. Oh, it's times like this that I really love being alive.

The police were called and both were arrested for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors later decided to not file formal charges against either of them. Sasha said she might file a lawsuit against Vince to get a little bit of his ShamWow money. And no, she doesn't love his nuts.

I didn't peg Vince as the make-out type. I would think he would want to bust a mess all over that whore as soon as possible, so that he could mop it up with his handy ShamWow. You know that's the part that reaaaally turns him on.

Vince's mug shot was sponsored by the Department of Meth FACES. Damn fuck! If only Vince could use one of his magical ShamWow towels to wipe the meth damage off his mug.

And somewhere in America, Bill Mays' peen is getting raw from jacking off to this story over and over again, because he knows the cops used OxiClean to get the blood out.

Ashton is NO Steve Carrell. And please, this dick bag is just playing it up for YouTube. You know he waxes the crack - Towleroad

A bitch faints on live TV and nobody gives a fuck! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

More of Valerie Bertinelli's Photoshop bukkake in People Magazine - Egotastic!

Beast in latex - Hollywood Tuna

A week old slice of pizza and a butt plug are making another movie together - Lainey Gossip

T.I. goes to jail - Just Jared

Andy Roddick's got the itch. It's probably just crabs - Popbytes

That's how Courtney shows her love! - Hollywood Rag

A tour of RiRi's stupid tattoos - Cityrag

I hear bomb testing zones are a special place to "fornicate" in - Popsugar

A dog milking a goat. Yup, that's it - Best Week Ever

Bow your head, hold your hands together and softly sing an acoustic version of Tightrope in your best walrus on his death bed voice, because the internet is losing one of its most poignant and illustrious blog stars. It was announced that Kim Zolciak has been evicted from the internet. DAMN YOU, ECONOMY! You've gone too far. When Kim shakes out her wig for an

Her former publicist wrote a final post proclaiming they have ended their war against each other, but also sadly said her blog will be executed and thrown off the tightrope this Monday. I think he's going to feed it to her rabid dog wig.

That's okay, I've already memorized most of it anyway. By most of it, I mean the comments. Seriously, my soul is weeping at the thought of all the future amazing comments we're all going to miss out on. Every fucking comment is like "YOU CUNT" or "You suck, fat whore!" It's like reading my future obituary.

Peace out, Kim Zolciak's blog. I wish I could give you a quarter to pay your bill, but I just can't fucking be bothered. If only creditors accepted desperation as payment (you can decide who that was directed towards).

The head bitches in Malawi have spoken! Vadge is indeed in their parts to pick up a little 3-year-old handbag, I mean, a baby named Mercy!

Officials tells UsWeekly that Vadge has been eyeballing Mercy for a while now. Vadge first spotted Mercy during a window shopping trip in Malawi three years ago. An official said, "The adoption is going ahead. It has been at an advanced stage for some time. The girl is from the Mchinji Home of Hope orphanage. She has no father and mother, they both died...We finished the assessment yesterday in readiness for the courts next week."

The only problem Vadge could face is the fact that her roidy pussy is single and free. Another official from the Child Welfare Department in Malawi said they don't really like to send babies to broken homes.

I once knew a girl name Mercy in high school. Let me tell you something about this burgundy-haired ho. Bitch wanted to be a chola in a bad way, but she just didn't have the forehead for it. Her upper eye area didn't look right with painted cholita eyebrows. Her forehead was like too short or something. She looked like a Muppet. You have to be born with the right face to hold exquisite eyebrows like that. It's all in the genes. Anyway, this trick stole $5 out of my hand when I was going to buy a lemonade at Hot Dog and a Stick! I never got my lemonade or my big wiener. Mercy, if you're reading this, I got your number bitch! You owe me a hot fucking dog!

I'm sure Vadge's Mercy is nothing like my Mercy, but I still want to give her the side-eye just in case.

I'm just about to get on a flight to South Carolina to track down the Funeral Fairy, so that we can take our act on the road. Two fairies make a RIGHT. I'm also going down to SC for a wedding. No, I did not dress up as a wounded sea creature and trick Mah Boo Anderson Cooper into marrying me. That's next month. I'm going to another wedding. And I fucking love to booze at weddings.

So, I won't be able to post more shit until I land, check into my No-Tell Motel and wash my ass off in the sink. Then I will be back for more fuckery.

In the meantime, I leave you with this video featuring our very own international supermodel Phoebe Price battling it out with a straight-up chicken cutlet HATER. Crazy vs. Crazy! Who will win?

The crazy lady thinks PP makes her own mother stand behind her like some kind of slave! The audacity! PP's mother has to stand behind her, because if she doesn't, she might be wounded by PP's international supermodel skills. When PP knocks a pose, a bitch can get hurt.

The crazy lady threatens to whoop that cutlet! Seriously, she threatens to beat a hot babe down! PP fires back by saying she'd shoot a bitch if that happened. DAMN! Famewhoring is seriously a dangerous game. Bitches are getting shot over this shit! Famewhorez 'n the Hood!

You know, the crazy lady was really pissed because PP was trying to take her corner. For real. That being said, the crazy homeless lady is giving PP a run for her cutlets for the title of Hot Babe of the Millenium.

(Thanks Rachel)

50 animals who hate baths! Sadly, Robert Pattinson didn't make the list - Best Week Ever

If Natalie Portman is going to enter her slut years, she better wear something hotter than this mess - ICYDK

Animals reacting to farts - Urlesque

Which celebwhores just want to eat their own assholes out for hours on end? - Holy Moly!

The Vampire Diaries sounds like a dirty toilet version of True Blood - Socialite Life

Kenley Penley denies being a pussy thrower - Popeater

Some bitch waited four years to tell Jeffrey Dean Morgan he's the father of her child. The fact that he has Watchmen money now has nothing to do with it, right? - I'm Not Obsessed

I'd rather wear baked baby diarrhea - Celebitchy

OK James, you can drop character now, Pineapple Express been on DVD for like 6 months already.

But enough of that. Joe Jonas must have been watching reruns of That 70's Show because homevirgin is looking like a new age Wilmer Valderrama. You don't go around looking that succulently delicious unless you're ready to pop your nut cherry all over a quivering, steaming no-no. Purity ring my taint! He's totally DTF (down to fuck) right on the sidewalk. Dude is titty fucking and prematurely jizzing on all of us with his eyes. Bitch must have caught a glimpse of himself in a window or something, because it looks like he's giving his peen a little tickle. I know that move.

Kelly Clarkson is wasting her precious time posing in these photo shoos for her music shit. They are just going to make her look like a character in the new Pixar movie anyway. She might as well be doing other shit like, I don't know, kicking the whore who made her wear that fuckery.

Yeah, I don't know what happened with that outfit. Was it born from the Dollar Tree challenge on Project Runway? Because I see a feather duster, some placemats, a few safety pins and a kite. No bitch would want to hook up with her ass in that fugnesss, even if she wanted to.

And what is up with all those damn fucking sparklies?! You're not Robert Pattinson, bitch! Don't try to replicate the sparkly!

Amy Wino's crackhive is looking happy, healthy and well fed. While Wino was out cocktail stealing in St. Lucia, her crackhive was probably laying up in a rehab clinic trying to shake the cravings for the evil shit. Nowadays, it's looking sober and honestly, kind of fat. That chunky ass bitch needs to call Jenny or go back on the crack again. Wino's got some junk in the hive.

The former Crackie of Camden left her new house today and told the paps she was skipping off to the clinic to get a blood test. Wino said that after what happened to Jade Goody, she wants to be extra careful and shit. Crackie, please. You know the real reason why she goes to the hospital. She sends her crackhive off to sneak into the medicine closet to get fill itself with a ton of delicious dolls for Wino to feast on later. And while she's there, she gives a blow job or two to a nitrous tank. That's the real reason!

Dancing with the Has-Beens is now Dancing with the Broken Down Bitches, because they are all basically murdering themselves for a paycheck. The Woz busted his shit up. Jewel and Nancy O'Dell both wrecked their knees. That hot peen from Sex & the City pulled his groin. Steve-O is almost a fucking paraplegic. Shawn Johnson has a crazy stalker trying to kidnap her ass and now Holly Madison might have cracked her damn rib.

UsWeekly says that Holly got busted up during rehearsals last week, but kept on walking around and shaking her chichis like a champ. I almost said "dancing," but she doesn't do any of that.

Holly's spokesbitch said the pain has gotten so bad that she can't do some of the moves anymore, so she's going off to the doctor to see if he can fix her. But there's a possibility that her baby back ribs are damaged.

Poor Holly. How is she going to ride the dick if she's got a damn rib bone sticking out of her skin. That will break a boner. Skank needs to get that shit super glued or something, because her career as a professional slut is at stake! No jokes.

The whole show is turning into a triage center. A bitch is going to get killed! Their careers are already dead, do they want their bodies to follow?! And notice how the only bitch standing there with her back fat intact is the evil CHERYL BURKE. Stick her in a box, put a possum on top and send her down the river. That witch is taking no prisoners!