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This is the thing about Ashton Coochie, if bitch just stood there, kept the sexy still and refrained from opening up his mouth hole to deliver words covered in asshole juices, my peen hole would serenade him with a lust song. But Ashton just can't help himself. The douche gene runs rampant in his system. He has to talk. It would probably be like doing myself with a tampon and the last time I tried that as a dare, it didn't end well. There's still a stain on the carpet that won't come out. Fuck, I'm joking. Okay, I'm not.

But seriously, Ashton would be the type to fart and laugh while he's doing you or give his peen a "voice" while you're trying to blow him.

That being said, I'd hit it with a maxi-pad stuffed in his mouth.

Here's Ashy working that crotch on a chain while filming some shit show in France.

Kanye West has abandoned his CAPS-LOCK key and now Posh Beckham has left her ankle-murdering heels at home! Hold your favorite dildo close, because the end is near and you're going to need it wherever you're going (aka HELL).

Posh left Wembley in London yesterday looking like herself from the waist up and like Stepford Katie from the waist down. Posh even looks confused by that shit on her feet. It must feel kind of weird and lonely when you can't hear the screams of pain from your feet after every step you take. It must have taken a herd of elephants and two cranes a few hours to pull those sandals off of her, because her usually-tortured feet weren't about to let them go.

Robert Pattinson wants everyone to know that his dick isn't covered in butter, his asshole isn't caked over in jelly and that his magical forest mop doesn't need to be featured on How Clean Is Your House? anytime soon, because he takes a bar of soap to his ass regularly.

Last week, there was a little story going around that whores on the set of New Moon were dry heaving, because Robert smells like a dried-up menstrual berry baking in the August sun. Robert says that shit is all made of lies, because he hasn't even been on the set yet.

The vampire with sparkly fangs went on to say, "I just want to know whoever's saying negative stuff, and I just want to remember their names. I write it all down in my black book."

Black book? Well, Robert, I've been saying some dirty naughty things about you, so add me to that book. I've been fucking bad, so write my name down with a THICK Sharpie. Also add that I like my hair yanked, my nalgas pinched and donut french toast with chocolate syrup in the morning.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Terry Kiser - Better known as Bernie Lomas from Weekend at Bernie's I & II. Terry is the only bitch on this planet who can play a corpse in a movie better than Vadge can.

Perry Farrell (50)
Jennifer Capriati (33)
Lucy Lawless (41)
Jill Goodacre (44)
Elle Macpherson (45)
Amy Sedaris (48)
Christopher Lambert (52)
Brendan Gleeson (54)
Eric Idle (66)