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Is it:

a) There will never be enough exclamation points in the world to perfectly get his point across.
b) His ego will never really know how much he loves it. Truly.
c) He will never be able to see himself perform live.
d) Severe constipation.

If you answered b, give your pee hole a congratulatory pinch, because you are correct. Actually, if you answered "all of the above," you are most likely correct, but only one of these answers is confirmed. When talking about ego the size of Chyna's clit, Kanye said, "I do have an ego and rightfully so. I think people should have an ego. Think about it - I don't offend people, I don't put anyone down. Do I name names or bring people down? That's not my thing. But I give myself big-ups. I feel good about the music I make. God chose me. He made a path for me. I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live."

Wait. Kanye isn't God? Now I feel stupid going down to the Apple store every Sunday and praying to a MacBook Air. But seriously, I don't want the voice of this generation to throw his CAPS lock key at me (okay, I do), but can't he just Netflix one of his live concert DVDs? Or maybe glance at the monitor when he's busy being great during one of his shows?

Actually, I'm really fucking surprised that Kanye's all-powerful talent doesn't cause him to have an out-of-body experience which would allow him to watch himself perform live. I blame us. We just don't let Kanye be THAT great! Shame on us.

And one of the greatest pains in my life was the first time I read one of his CAPS-filled blog posts. I'm kind of used to it now, but my eyeballs will never be the same.

VIA Showbiz Spy

Which Twitter-happy star uses the social site to find his next hook-up? You could be next, he has no preference as long as you live within driving distance and seem somewhat discreet. It’s not Ashton Kutcher. (BuzzFoto via Blind Gossip)

John Mayer? So get on that shit if you want John to twitter your twatter live and in person. And "somewhat discreet" might be code for "likes you to finger his no-no."

Which sexy NYC-based celeb’s pickup line needs a little improvement? “Have we met?” he asks. “Have we had sex? No? Do you want to?” (Gatecrasher)

Regis? And my answer is yes, I want to.

This reality star has a really interesting past. Although on television he/she is romantically involved with someone of the opposite sex, the past hints at the opposite. As a wild high school student, the reality star would throw off-campus sex parties to which only members of their same sex were invited. (Blind Gossip)

Please don't let this be Spencer. Please! My kind doesn't want him. Throw him back!

This B list movie actress and A list wannabe made it very clear this week to the only rich guys she was hitting on, that despite what is being written in the tabloids about her being in a relationship, that they are in fact, "friends" and that she can date whomever she wishes. That however is not what her other half has been saying. He thinks they are a couple and told everyone he encountered over the weekend as such. (CDAN)

Kate Hudson?! That tramp!

February is one of those quick minute months, so there's only 3 hot sluts to choose from and 2 are memaws! 2009 really is the year of the Memaw. One of these sluts will skip on to the Hot Slut of the Year pageant with Stains. None of them really have any chance against Stains, right? Anyway, here are your choices:

The US Window Factory Beauty: You should cawl her!
Helen Thomas: The baddest bitch at the White House.
Clara from Great Depression Cooking with Clara: The lone memaw who will keep us all well-fed during the next depression. Gulp.

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. Vote with your life! The winning slut will be announced Thursday.

Gayle King's main spooner adopted an 8-week-old blonde cocker spaniel from PAWS animal shelter in Chicago on Sunday, so says UsWeekly. The Mighty O picked the bitch from a litter of six.

Oprah's last main bitches, Sophie and Solomon, went off to heaven last year. She still has her two Golden Retrievers, Luke and Layla.

Okay, why wasn't anybody notified that Oprah was about to adopt another dog? My ass would have gotten on the next Peter Pan bus to Chicago and found a way into that shelter. Since it sounds like Oprah wanted a blonde bitch, I would've snatched Kim Zolciak's broke down dog wig and plopped it on my head. While inside my shelter cage, I'd wag my ass, slobber all over myself and wink my eyes a lot. I do that shit all day anyway, but I'd turn it up for Oprah.

You know her bitches have the best lives. They eat filet mignon whenever they want it, shit on cashmere and drink only the purest water that would make an Evian bottle weep. Not to mention that she probably thinks it's funny when you bite at Gayle's bagina. Who cares if I'd have to lick up Oprah's toe jam on a nightly basis. IN THIS ECONOMY, that's a small price to pay for a life of luxury.

If AnnaLynne McCord (aka always Eden from Nip/Tuck to me) is going to show us how she got her role on 90210, bitch should at least go all out. I refuse to believe she got that shit with those kind of skills. Way too much teeth and the "I'm making a poopy" face is not hot. Her banana sucking game gets a D-! Even Nannerpuss wouldn't hit that shit!

Is Egg Genie the new Snuggie? I don't know about that, but they should really get OctoMommy as their new spokeswhore - Urlesque

That's cold: Brit Brit is cheating on Cheetos with Candies - Hollywood Tuna

Kewpie doll in a two-piece - Egotastic!

Gis Bundchen: Nips out, but no wedding ring (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Rachel McAdams downgraded - Popsugar

Ashlee Simpson or Ashley Jizzdale? - Hollywood Rag

Jennifer Aniston's boyfriend (jeans) will never leave her! - Just Jared

I'll take a little cream with my coffee - Towleroad

ScarJo looks like ShitYo (GONG!!!) - Lainey Gossip

Hand bras galore - Cityrag

Picture this shit: You've just handed over your money for an extra-delicious 10-piece of Chicken McNuggets and you can't wait to get those warm chunks of chicken-flavored rat meat down your froat. Your mouth is practically foaming and then.....the dumb bitch cashier at McDonald's strolls up to tell you they are fucking out of deep-fried bits of heaven. So what do you do about it? Of course, you call fucking 911, because that shit is an emergency and a crime! That's exactly what 22-year-old Latreasa Goodman of Florida did and the ho got a citation for it! Injustice!

The Smoking Gun reports that when Latreasa was told they were out, she asked for a refund and they refused. The cashier said all sales were final. Latreasa called 911 three times before their lazy asses finally showed up. When the cops informed Latreasa that her McNugget obsession wasn't an emergency, she answered, "This is an emergency. If I would have known they didn't have McNuggets, I wouldn't have given my money, and now she wants to give me a McDouble, but I don't want one. This is an emergency, my McNuggets are an emergency."

From her mouth to my stomach. Damn fucking straight, McNuggets ARE an emergency of epic proportions. They should have called in the National Guard, the Airforce, Paula Deen, the A-Team, Charlie's Angels, Chris Brown, Sharon Osbourne, the meerkats from Meerkat Kingdom and so on.... You don't fuck with a bitch when it comes to McNuggets. The lying whore cashier should be charged with FRAUD! I'd gladly sit on the jury just so I could tell the ho she is guilty for lying about McNuggets.

P.S. - Latreasa's beautiful mug shot is from a previous run-in with the cops. Doesn't the bitch look like she's serious about her McNuggets? McNuggets are not a joke.

This is why the internet is kind of awesome sometimes. Did you wake up this morning and think to yourself that you were going to see Simon's little baker in some cotton panties today? Okay, so did I. Actually, I was hoping I'd see Gerald McRaney's (from Simon & Simon) balls and peen, but this will do for now. But I'm waiting, Gerald. Show them panties soon.

Here's Simon Baker with his balls out at soccer practice the other day. It really doesn't take much for me, does it?

That is the face of a bitch who really loves a piece of meat in his mouth. I own a mirror, so I know that face all too well. Chuck Bass is jizzing in his eyeballs. You should have seen what this bitch did when the waiter brought out of his order of kielbasa and sticky buns followed by a tossed salad to cleanse his palette. The waiters are still cleaning the ass cream from his seat.

Here's Chuck Bass giving head to some meat with two dude friends at a restaurant in West Hollywood yesterday.