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This shit contains spoilers from last night's America's Next Top Model, so slide down Ty Ty's tenhead to the exit if you don't want to know anything. So....

Every season, without fail, Ty Ty cuts the bitch I feel closest to on episode one. The object of my affection this season is Angelea, the hoodrat from Buffalo. Angelea didn't even make it into the house! But I cherish our time together. I knew we were one of the same when she quoted the profound Jade: "This is not America's Next Top Best Friend." Angelea also told Ty Ty that she wanted to be a model so bad that she slept in Port Authority in NYC, because she had nowhere to go. Bitch should have shouted a "hoody hoo" and I would've come running to bring her to my apartment. She an open invitation here. We can sip on some Zin and 7Up while watching Woo.

Of course, someone had to "pull" at Angelea's buttons, because they were obviously jealous of her skills. That evil bitch Sandra immediately went after Angelea! I'm sort of glad she did, because then I was able to see Angelea doing what she does best: talking shit! After Sandra finally realized who was the head bitch in charge was and backed off, Angelea went off to her photo shoot where she posed as the Goddess of Love. Angelea worked that shoot like the back rent was due and the eviction notice was on the door. Not really, but in my mind she did.

After the shoot, Angelea and her stunning nails went to be depressed together away from that skank Sandra. Angela should have just stared at her nails and that would have put her in a better mood. I'm pretty sure 10 scenes from first episode of The Gummi Bears was painted on her nails. Looking at that will cheer anybody up!

Fuck that Top Model shit! Angelea is going straight to the silver screen. There is a remake of B*A*P*S in the works somewhere that has Angelea's name on it!

And that girl Allison is totally not human. She has to be some kind of alien marmoset or something.

I leave you with the Goddess of Kararararazy serving up a hot plate of roasted ham with all the fixings. If you look closely, you can see ripples in the water. That's the pool giving her the side eye.

On Monday night's season premiere of Dancing with the Has-Beens, the camera will pan to CHERYL BURKE sitting in a bucket of soapy water, clutching that low-budget trophy while cackling like the witch she is, because she will be declared the winner by default. Mop Head's competition is dropping left and right.

Jewel is now officially out of the game and has taken Nancy O'Dell with her. ABC confirmed this to Access Hollywood.

Jewel originally said she had tendonitis, but ABC said it's worse. Jewel has a stress fracture in both knees and doctors told her she shouldn't even be walking. Knee drama is also what has pushed Nancy out. During rehearsal, Nancy tore the meniscus in her knee in places. Bitch will have to get operated on, so she has no choice but to quit that bitch.

These two bitches better not ever consider a career in whoring, because they have some weak ass knees. There are some day-shift hookers who could get hit in the knees with Lil' Kim's concrete titays and they'd keep on ticking!

It's pretty much confirmed that Hef's former Metamucil mixer, Holly Madison, has joined the cast as Jewel's replacement. ABC hasn't confirmed or denied it. They also didn't say whether or not Nancy will be replaced.

Dear ABC, please get Ann Coulter or Katherine HAGel to replace Nancy! That way CHERYL BURKE can work her voodoo black magic causing The Woz to mysteriously land and crush one of them during their first rehearsal. Pleeeeease!

Some bitch has agreed to wake up to Vince Vaughn's nose hairs for the rest of her days. Or until his fupa suffocates her while she's going down on him.

Star Magazine says Vince and real estate agent Kyla Weber became engaged on Valentine's Day. The two met at a wedding last summer. Kyla had a boyfriend of four years at the time, but let that bitch go after she met Vince. Yeah, I'm saying she's a gold digger. She's also going to have to be a moco digger, because you know Vince is the king of nose nasties. I get that vibe from him. He's going to need her little finger to get up there and clean it out. Bitch will really have to dig for her money. Yes, I think about these things.

A source close to the situation said, "They spent a romantic weekend together. He dropped to one knee to propose and presented her with a gorgeous $125,000 4-carat diamond set in platinum. They'll have their wedding either in L.A. or Alberta, and they're both ready to start a family immediately!"

I can't wait to see the magazine covers next week. They will read: VINCE VAUGHN IS GETTING MARRIED AND WILL HAVE BABIES SOON (Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston still lonely & barren).

I was going through pictures of Robin Williams and found this gem from the 1990 Oscars. Whoever this beauty with Robin is, needs to drop whatever she's doing (probably having a tea party with her Marie Osmond dolls) and get to the hospital STAT! Robin needs her to heal him with her grace and sophistication!

You see, it was said earlier that Robin's hairy ass would be back to performing on Monday in Jacksonville, FL after being hospitalized in Miami with heart issues. Now Robin's whole tour has been put on pause, because he needs an aortic valve replacement. Robin issued this statement through his spokeswhore to OK!: "I'm so touched by everyone's support and well wishes. This tour has been amazing fun and I can't wait to get back out on the road after a little tune-up."

Robin makes it sound like he's just spending an hour at Jiffy Lube, but that sounds like some major shit. I'm sure the shaggy rug on his chest will grow back in no time and he'll back to being hot before we all know it. And that lady needs to get her ass over there now.

Photo by Alan Light

Ohhh, the weather outside is frightful, but this actress’ fire is so delightful. Which fire? Why, the very private fire between her legs, of course! You would never guess by looking at her that, although the curtains are blonde, the rug is now fire engine red. And, no, we’re not talking about our favorite Firecrotch here. This girl is definitely only into guys, and this was a private gift to her boyfriend, who is also in the entertainment biz. He is still grinning from ear to ear about it. (Blind Gossip)

That Christmas song will never be the same again for me. But my guess is either Kate Hudson or Cameron Diaz?

Which closeted jack-of-all-trades just became secretly engaged to her girlfriend? Word is, the two will wed soon in N.J. (Gatecrasher)

Queen LaQueeeeeefah?!

This C list actress with a name that really stands out has generally made good movies. She gets many more offers than she actually accepts. She could easily be an upper B list actress if she wanted to but she enjoys her private life too much to change anything except for the perfect role. Our actress in fact, makes substantially more money as a result of her private life than she probably ever would amass as an actress despite the always rave reviews of her acting talent. She has been in this space before for her, how shall I say this, her willingness to provide an experience to certain other members of the film community. Now, she has added to her stable a woman who has been seen countless times over the past few weeks with this Academy Award nominated A list movie actor who must enjoy being treated like crap because that is exactly what this woman specializes in for her male clients. Of course our C list actress arranges the meetings and thus also gets a significant percentage of the fee. (CDAN)

I have no clue. Some of the commenters on CDAN guessed Leelee Sobieski, because apparently she works as a dominatrix on the side. This I did not know. My A-list actor guess is either Mickey Rourke or Clive Owen?

This former boy bander has begging his former group to go out on tour again because he has no money. Some bad investments and spending a ridiculous amount on toys and gambling has left him with no money. He doesn't want to have to declare bankruptcy because then everyone will find out about who is biggest creditors are and they are not a good list. (CDAN)

Deep down I wish it was someone from Rhythm Syndicate, but they never had any cash. So I'll guess anyone but Justin Timberdouche from 'N Sync?

The reign of the memaw continues! Clara from Great Depression Cooking beat out that trick Helen Thomas and the US Window Factory Beauty for the title of Hot Slut of the Month! Clara got 41% of the votes or some shit.

I was thinking of Clara today as I ate my delicious lunch of a Cup-O-Noodle and a mayonnaise and cheese sandwich (don't hate). I dreamt of what Clara could make using those three things. She could probably transform that shit into a steak and lobster dinner. No joke.

Anyway, thanks to all who voted!

The Parasite Hilton of toilets! It can swallow 18 big wieners in seconds. - Videogum

Wherever Dustin Lance Black goes, his Oscar goes with him - Lainey Gossip

Milla Jovovich is still taking it off - Egotastic!

This vintage magazine cover of Justin Gaston is missing a pitcher of iced tea and a Dateline camera crew - Towleroad

Elle MacPherson's jacket looks like a coyote got stuck in a disco ball and didn't live to tell the tale - Hollywood Tuna

Where can I sign up for the anti-Miley club? - Just Jared

Salma Hayek kissing a big bag of money (that's what she thinks of to get through it) - Popsugar

Gary Dourdan gets a lap dance in Italy (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Teri Snatcher? - Cityrag

Stepford Katie needs to detox from the gallons of crazy Tommy feeds her hourly - Hollywood Rag

Her double might be Tonya Harding. I'd have to see her bangs to know for sure. But why does Saint Angie need a double? The double is obviously not for the movie, because Angie can do it all. The double is probably used to keep the Brangaloonies off her ass. They put a halo on the double and sprinkle some holy water over her ass. The Brangaloonies are easy to fool.

Saint Angie Jo is in DC filming that Salt movie with her double at Liev Schreiber. I hope we get an Eggs movie next year to complete the Scrambled Eggs trilogy along with Salt and Milk.

The scene they shot involved Saint Angie running around all over the place. They got her to run so much, because the director would yell "There's an orphan over there!" and she would automatically bust her ass to where he pointed. Fooled!

And while Jennifer Aniston pays ten trillion dollars to get her hair done, Angie just has to touch the top of her head while thinking of Tanya Roberts and it magically turns blonde.

Hold on to your boys, London, because the sexiest white lady in the game (sorry Brit Brit) is going to take your town by storm! Lady Jacko fluffed up his Valentine by Raquel Welch wig, made sure his nose was on straight and sashayed up to the podium to announce the start of his This Is It concert at the O2 arena in London. Jacko will begin performances on July 9th. 10 shows will go on sale March 13th, but more may be added depending on how that shit sells. Jacko announced it would be his last concerts in London.

If I got a shot of Jesus Juice every time Jacko said "this is it" to his plastic surgeon, I'd be touching myself day and night.

I really don't know if Jacko's nose can take all that grinding and thrusting! Jacko better have an official nose replacer waiting in the wings at all times just in case. And since when did Jacko's chin have the butt of a 7-year-old boy on it. Has it always looked like that?

Pun intended. I'm honestly going to push the Cup-O-Needles I was planning to have for lunch to the side and gulp down a large vodka without the ice (it gets in the way) instead. You'll do the same after reading the mess Fox 11 (via TMZ) got a hold of.

Notes from detectives on the case state that the fight started when RiRi read a three-page long text message from some chick to Chris Brown. The two started fighting about the text and Chris tried to push her out of the car, but her seat belt got in the way. The notes go on to say that he pushed her head into the passenger window and began punching her while he was driving. Oh, he's a fucking multi-tasker.

Chris allegedly told her that he was going to beat her even more when they got home. After that, RiRi called her assistant and told her to have the cops waiting at home. That prompted Chris to say, "You just did the stupidest thing ever. I'm going to kill you." How fucking charming. It's like a kiss.

The notes also state that Chris continued to beat at her, bite her and put her in a headlock. When cops showed up, there was blood all over the car on her clothes.

It's been reported that since RiRi has gone back into his loving arms, she won't testify against him. But TMZ says that she told cops this wasn't her first time at the Chris Brown beat down rodeo. She said he had gotten psychical in the past, but the violence was getting worse.

Today in court, Chris was charged with two felonies: assault and making a criminal threat. He could face up to 9 years of ass fucking in the clink if convicted on both charges. He's supposed to be arraigned this afternoon.

And now I'm off to find a basket of baby bunnies to cuddle with. Seriously, every Chris Brown/RiRi story should come complete with something from Cute Overload.