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At the Nina Ricci show in Paris yesterday, models carefully tried not to die as they walked down the runway in these platforms constructed by Satan's little helpers. The Cut says these stilts from hell added 11-inches to the models' height.

If these shoes added an 11-inch dick to my tailbone so that I could easily fuck myself, that still wouldn't be a good enough reason to wear this mess. I'm lying. Yes, it would, but that would be thee only reason!

What's with that random dangling heel? Is that some kind of weight to balance it, so that you don't plunge to your death? Because I'm pretty sure that would still happen without that little heel.

And do you hear that cracking sound? It's your ankles slowly breaking themselves to keep you from trying to work this fuckery.

Dora the Explorer got a hold of some illegal Fen-phen, lost a little baby chunk, got some extensions and moved to the big city to pursue her dreams of being the biggest prostitot in the game. Mattel and Nickelodeon released this teaser image of what the new Dora is going to look like. The new whory Dora will make her big debut in the fall. I'm sure her new implants would have healed by then.

The pimps of Dora said they gave her a newer tween look, so that she can grow up with her preschool fans. One of her pimps at Mattel told the NYDN, "Girls really identify with Dora and we knew that girls would love to have their friend Dora grow up with them, and experience the new things that they were going through themselves."

Dora's new foray into skankdom has parents all fucking mad. They think Dora should stay young and innocent, because that's why girls like her ass. One parent said, "If the Dora we knew grew up, she wouldn't be a fashion icon or a shopaholic. She'd develop her map reading skills and imagine the places she could go. It's such a sell out of Dora, of all girls."

I say, whatever to Dora growing up, but she should really go see a doctor. She might have some kind of mutant growth disease, because bitch's head takes up half her body! This is some Elephant Man shit. How is Dora supposed to work the ho stroll if her big ass head keeps causing her to topple over?

Just when I was starting to like the idea of a Baby Icky roaming the land, M.I.A. has blogged that the rumor is made of 100% organic lies. Earlier today, it went around the internets and back that she had bestowed the name Ickitt on her babeh boy. M.I.A. went on her MySpace and said it is an L.I.E.:

MY BABY IS NOT CALLED ICKITT, PICKIT OR LICKIT THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO ALL THE HOLLYWOOD PRESS. HES A BABY , HE DONT NEED PRESS!

I DIDNT RELEASE THE BABY NAME BECAUSE I DIDNT THINK IT WAS NEWS!!!!

BUT I WILL BE BACK WITH SOMETHING NEWS WORTHY SOON , TILL THEN GO PICK ON APPLE, SATCHEL AND MOON UNIT.

LOTS OF LOVE STICKIT!!

Somewhere in the world Bronx Mowgli is making a weepy face, because she forgot to mention him in the list of WTF-worthy baby names.

This gives hope to Audio Science and Pilot Inspektor. It's possible that M.I.A.'s real baby name is fucked up enough to knock them off the top so the tears can stop pouring out of their eyes.

I'm talking about oh-so-purdy Zac Efron, not that Vanessa Hudgens skank. I mean, she's not sleeeeeeeping and she's the one who's supposed to be Sleeping Beauty!

This is some shit shot by Annie Liebovitz for Disney featuring two of their hardest-working prostitutes as Prince Philip and Princess Aurora. Why does Zac look like he's jizzing in his pants from smelling her make-up. That's because he probably is. Zac totally slaps his peen while painting his no-no lips with a concealer stick.

Was it necessary to make Zac look like he just walked out of a make-up challenge on Ru Paul's Drag Race. How many MAC counters are sitting on his face? There's enough paint on his precious mug to keep Xtina's bronzer closet fully stocked for the next ten years.

Bravo better have done a financial background check on Kandi Burruss, the newest ho on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, because if she hasn't been called by at least three bill collectors in the past week, she is not the one!

EW.com says Kandi has replaced DaShawn Snow and her lock jaw as the newest housewife. Bravo quit DaShawn because viewers were going into seizures watching her trying to talk with a padlock on her jaw. It was hazardous to everyone's health! And because DaShawn brought the zzzzzzzzzs.

Kandi is best known for being in the 90s girl group Xscape. Kandi also co-wrote TLC's "No Scrubs."

Okay, it sounds to me like this bitch doesn't fit in! The royalty checks from "No Scrubs" must be keeping her checking account from hitting the overdraft protection button. Kandi's going to have to let one of her houses go into foreclosure if she wants to fit in with those broke tramps. I mean, Sheree owes a law firm $87k in unpaid fees! Kandi better step up her broke ass game.

I'm also staring at Kandi's picture wondering if this is the face of the bitch who will finally rip off Kim Zolciak's rat tat tatty wig and return it to the roadside it came from.

The gangsta's paradise must be filled with crack, because Coolio was busted with it at LAX today. TMZ says that Foolio's stupid fucking ass was caught with crack rocks while going through security to catch a flight on Southwest. Getting caught with crack while trying to get on a Southwest flight is pretty much a career high for Coolio. Fuck getting caught with premium cocaine while trying to get on a private jet. This is the shit.

Apparently, Coolio went crazy on the screener after he was caught crack handed. You would totally freak out too if a bitch was trying to take your good shit! Crack rocks don't grow on trees and Coolio probably sold his last Michelle Pfeiffer-autographed poster of Dangerous Minds on eBay to pay for that mess.

But for serious, this crackhead was definitely riding high on the crack cloud if he thought it was a good idea to bring that illegal shit to an airport! FedEx your drugs like normal people do!

Gimme gimme more (Cheetos) - Hollywood Tuna

Michelle Rodriguez turns me on (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Lily Allen is broke - Hollywood Rag

Rosario Dawson in various states of sluttiness - Egotastic!

This is an insult to Bigfoot - Cityrag

Cops for kids! - Jezebel

LL Cool J just became hotter - Towleroad

You're going to need to down a whole bottle of Valtrex after looking at this nastiness - Just Jared

Jakey and Austin go riding again. That sentence just made my peen hole pop - Popsugar

Bobby Trendy showed up at the court house in Los Angeles yesterday during Chris Brown's hearing to spread a little sugar. Miss Girl just happened to be in the neighborhood wearing an outfit that perfectly shows off his unicorn toe while pushing his tortured pooch in a stroller! Bobby truly takes famewhoring to new levels. Bobby's pooch is probably wishing he will take it for a ride near a busy highway, so it can jump in front of oncoming traffic and end this fuckery!

By the way, I'm about to Cornify this shit. I hope that when I do, my computer will blow up from extreme levels of fierceness and a rainbow will appear taking me to the land where everything looks like it's been jizzed on by a Bedazzler.

On this very special episode of Wise Words from PP, the "Hot Babe of the Millennium" has a message for RiRi. PP is not only an international supermodel, silver screen star, premiere seat-filler and head decorator, but she's also a spokesperson for domestic abuse.

Just like RiRi, PP was a victim of getting her ass beat down by a dude and she has some advice to share. A true inspiration to us all.

If the chicken beater didn't die two years, I would've been screaming for Pamela Anderson and PETA, because poultry abuse is not okay! Lick a cutlet, don't beat one!

I'm going to expect that her new reality show touches on serious subject matters like this in between scenes featuring PP posing with inanimate objects.

When Zac Efron flips his hair, a new shade of Cover Girl concealer is born.

A little while ago, purdy Zac and Vanessa Hudgens were caught in the sexy times section of a Spencer's. When his mommy saw the pictures, she asked him what he was doing in a sex shop. Zac tried to tell his mom it wasn't a sex shop, but she wasn't buy it. Zac went on to tell Elle (via UsWeekly), "She's like, 'I knew you were being sexual!' But she understood. My stocking was full of condoms this Christmas. She buys me the economy box."

Um. You don't need condoms to play "Guess the rouge color?" with your girlfriend. If Mommy Efron really wants to make her son's lipstick pucker, she'd stuff a double-sided dildo into his stocking this Christmas. And yes, I meant it exactly the way I wrote it.

Speaking of condoms, I hope Zac was wearing one around his no-no when he talked to his ultimate boy crush Leonardo DiCaprio. The two sat next to each other at a Lakers game last year and Zac's seat must have been covered in tapioca at the end of the night. Zac said, "We talked the whole game, and he was just everything I thought he would be: smart, levelheaded, charming, hilarious. You know, the older-brother vibe. That sounds so cheesy."

That right there sounds like the opening scene of almost every gay porno. How many times do you think Zac has shouted "You're the king of my world" while Vanessa tossed his salad?