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Water is wet, Katherine Hagel is a cunt, Tommy Girl likes a spoonful of hot man chowder on his forehead every morning and Shanna Mocos and Travis Barker have broken up. Mark April 1, 2009 as the day the love died for the ten trillionth time. Their talking whores confirmed the queef-inducing news to UsWeekly.

Shanna and Travis got married in 2004. Most of you stopped fucking caring about them in 2005. Shanna filed for divorce in 2006. They tried to make it work in 2007. Their divorce became official in 2008. They got back together again in 2009. And now we're here.

A source said they broke up last night in true trailer trash fashion. They had some stupid fight about Gerard Butler and the cops had to be called. Travis accused Shanna of fucking on manwhore Gerard while he was in the hospital after the jet crash. Last night, Shanna claims her Twitter was hacked into and the evil doer posted something about her sucking Gerry's peen while Travis was recovering. Just for the record, it's not cheating if it's with Gerry Butler. It's your duty as a human with genitals.

Shanna denies she ever cheated on Travis. Shanna's spokeswhore also said something that almost made me swallow my tongue, "Shanna is tired of playing out their personal relationship in the press."

No, she won't do that, but she will handle it like a mature adult by passing notes to Travis during detention through Twitter. That's how they're handling it tonight. Travis and Shanna have been posting quotes they probably got out of a fortune cookie. Example: “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” Yeah, deep dish shit.

Shanna's next post is totally going to be, "Confucious says 'Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.'"

Citizens of New York! Quit reading this shit and quickly run out to your local liquor store! Buy every bottle you can get your hands on and then rush home like you've got the runs in a bad way, because Kate Moss is amongst us! Kate will drink this city dry of our sweetest nectar! She will seek it out and won't stop until every last drop has entered her mouth! If you're into the bad shit, you better hide that too, because she'll sniff it out. Before you lock yourself in your apartment, line your front door with toothpaste. Kate doesn't go near the stuff. Don't be scared. We will get through this!

Here's Boozerfield in Manhattan today for the opening of the first Top Shop in the US. She may look all smiley and sober now, but it won't be long before she'll turn into a snarly booze-hungry monster!

I'll admit that I never watched one second of Guiding Light, but this still hurts, because soap operas aren't supposed to die. They are supposed to live on forever and ever! They are supposed to grow old with that box of baking soda you keep open in the back of your fridge. Seriously, why don't whores throw those out?

CBS announced today that after 72 years, 15 years on radio and 57 on TV, Guiding Light will play its last episode on September 18th. The big whore at CBS didn't give any reason on why Guiding Light was being snuffed out, but you know what they are going to blame it on..... THE ECONOMY! It's everyone's favorite fucking fall guy.

Now that Guiding Light has been taken out back and put down, what does this mean for the others?! Does my precious One Life to Live need to sleep with a shank under its bed, because it might be next? And then when they finish with the soaps, are they going to come for the court shows? NOT THE COURT SHOWS! I don't like where this is going. I will pop a bitch's eye with my teefs if they touch the court shows. That's how I get my daily dose of "smart TV."

And again, I never watched Guiding Light, but I still want to laminate that montage above and use it as a placemat. That's how I know my brain is still stuck in the 2nd grade. It wants to laminate all photo montages!

Source

Angie Harmon is trying to climb out of the black hole of irrelevancy by talking to Fox News about how she's been discriminated against in Hollywood because she's a Republican. Among other things. In part one of a two part (insert finger into mouth and barf here) interview, Angie already said she's sick of people thinking she's racist just because she doesn't think Obama is doing a good job as President. But obviously, the pitchfork-wielding mob wasn't big enough for Angie, because she has kept talking. Here's a few quotes from the second part of her interview. If you all read is "PLEASE LOOK AT ME," then you're not alone.

On Bristol Palin's pregnancy: "I think one of the greatest things about the Republican Party is the understanding, we don’t point fingers and we have class. Lets keep in mind here, how old is she, 17? I don’t care what anybody says, this person is still a young person and okay she's got a big situation on her hands but for anyone to sit there and make fun of her or judge her is just cruel and wrong."

On not getting acting jobs because she's a Republican:"It's not like anyone has come up to my face and been like ‘I'm not hiring you because you're a Republican!’ But the media is so liberal and I get it, but I’m just confused on where we lost the respect for our fellow Americans. Not all of us are supposed to believe the same things and think the same way."

On the difference between Republicans and Democrats: "I think the difference between the parties is, with the Democrats you can sit down with them and have a 15 minute conversation and if you’re not believing everything they say and buying into what they’re selling you, it is like you’re some dumb hick who doesn't deserve to live here anymore. But with the Republicans, it is like okay I want to know what you know, you want to know what I know, okay great lets go have a beer after work, we're still friends."

On talking about her beliefs: "Look we haven’t been shot yet! We're still alive! We've said the word "Republican" like four times and we're still alive! Can you believe it?"

About the not getting jobs thing. This bitch is full of delusion. Lots of Republicans work freely in Hollywood. I'll give you some examples: Jessica Simpson (okay, bad example), Kelsey Grammar, Mel Gibson, Jon Voight, Vince Vaughn (maybe), Rebe McEntire and my favorite TV whore during the 7 o'clock hour Alex Trebek. The reason Angie isn't getting jobs is pretty simple. The fact of the matter is the bitch has the acting skills of a hot piece of elephant dung. I should say, a CLASSY piece of elephant dung.

This is just me, but if I was married to Jason Sehorn, I would spent less time running my mouth hole to newspapers, and more time running my mouth hole on his peen.

Tim Gunn can unplug his ears now, because the bitch fight between The Weinstein Company and NBC over Project Runway has come to an end. They were all tangled up in the courts for months after Harvey Weinstein took Bravo's prized dildo over to Lifetime. Both motherfuckers have put their dicks back in their pants. NBC issued this statement:

NBC Universal, The Weinstein Company and Lifetime have resolved their disputes. The Weinstein Company will pay NBCU for the right to move Project Runway to Lifetime. All of the parties are pleased with the outcome. Harvey Weinstein added, "I want to personally congratulate Jeff Zucker and NBCU on their success in the litigation and thank Jeff for resolving this in a professional manner. We look forward to working together on our ongoing projects."

This is what NBC wanted all along. They just wanted Harvey to shower cash all over them. I think they were stalling, so their soup kitchen version of Project Runway called The Fashion House could premiere first. The Fashion House premieres next month on Bravo and it sounds like it's beyond bootleg. Example? Isaac Mizrahi and Kelly Rowland are the host and judges. Yes, Beyonce's former wig holder. THAT Kelly Rowland. They really scraped the crud from the bottom of the barrel and slapped it on a piece of moldy outlet bread.

And I have a very important question? Who owns the rights to Kenley Collins? Bravo or The Weinstein Company? Because I'm really going to need one of those shows to recreate Kenley's pussy and apple throwing incident through fashion.

This dumb cunt along with ten million of my Facebook friends announced they are pregnant today! Fooled! Please, Heidi, we all know you can't get knocked up from bumping saggy twats with Spencer - ONTD

Party with Winona Ryder topless pictures like it's 1994! - Egotastic!

This is as natural as Xtina gets - Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Aniston obviously isn't obsessed enough - Lainey Obsessed

Zac Efron's hairless twinkie chest - Just Jared

Celeb-dogs with their relatives - Cityrag

Sherlock Holmes likes it kinky - Towleroad

Pamela Anderson needs to sew herself up a sack so she can cover the fuck up already (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Second hand lucite - Hollywood Rag

A Kellan Lutz photo shoot brought to you by Tom of Finland - Popsugar

Here's a few pictures from Beyonce's I Am....RIDICULOUS tour in Vancouver last night. There's really no explanation for this mess. This was born from a Mugler and a Knowles, so that's explanation enough!

Glittery condom men? The Transformers logo on Beyonce's pussy bone? The Elmer's glue used to keep her lacefront down? I feel like I need to witness this faggotry for myself, but I'm afraid my extreme levels of gayness will clash with the extreme levels of tranniness radiating off of Sasha Fart causing an explosion of weave tracks, face clay, tarantula legs, sequins and coagulated jizz. The world is not equipped.

No, this picture is not of a one-girl tribute band to Tokio Hotel. It's not even the broken condom baby of a Sanrio store and a Hot Topic store. It's Allison looking like a Japanese Anime character vommed all over her. The judges just couldn't seem to get past this last night and I just couldn't get past how fucking stupid they are. I think Randy said, "blah...blah..blah....your outfit sucks, dawg!" or something like that. Okay, so she doesn't look as glittery as one of Paula Abdul's Vicodin pills, but bitch didn't look that awful!

No, Allison's "Don't Speak" didn't make me want to use my time to scour the internet to download an illegal copy of it, but it wasn't the worst of the night. And all the judges could say is how she looked like a punk rock skunk after getting hit by a semi. Constructive criticism: they are doing it wrong.

It wasn't surprising that they didn't make any mention of Adam Lambert's whole look. The bitch is looking more and more like a middle-aged female-to-male tranny doing a really bad impersonation of final days Elvis. No matter what Adam does, the judges will still crawl up his sparkle hole, steal his eggs and use that shit to impregnate themselves. Yeah, that's why Simon's chichis are looking more luscious than usual. He's knocked up with Adam's baby.

I mean, Paula Abdul even compared him to Mick Jagger and Steven Tyler!! D.A.R.E. just found the idea for their new campaign! Seriously, STEVEN TYLER?! More like MIA TYLER.

I can't even explain the big gay lion's performance of "Play That Funky Music" last night. I might have understood it if he performed it at Disneyland's Tomorrow Land while I was high on acid. That bitch was screeching like someone was waxing his asshole with liquid nails. Put a butt plug in it, take a Valium and calm the fuck down. This is American Idol, not American AHHHHHdol.

Now on to predictions. This is actually kind of hard, because last night's real theme was: SHIT! Sure, Kris Allen whispered sweet nothings into my peen hole, but nobody made me jizz in my chonies. But if I must guess:

Megan "Doesn't Bring Me" Joy - It's her time. I've had several servings of what she has to offer and spit up every last morsel. Megan has a voice that was meant to sing about dying hearts and cheating peens, not about rainbows and sunshine. Last night in heaven, Bob Marley emptied out his bong faster than normal after listening to Megan murder his song.. Bitch, take your happy ass shit elsewheres!

Anoop - Karaoke night is over. It's time to get back to your dorm room, Anoop. Curfew is up!

The 3rd bottom spot will either go to Allison, Scott or the Timberlake wannabe. Whores might have liked Scott's Olan Mills hair and his Billy Joel crooning, so my guess is that Allison will wrongfully be in the bottom.

They should keep all three of them and instead get rid of the most annoying gnat on that show: Kara DioSTFU. This ho actually said, "It's like Studio 57 in here!" I have five words for Kara: PLEASE FUCKING LEAVE YOU STUPID CUNT. Yeah, I know that's 6 words, but I'm using the Kara DioGuardi method of counting.

Meet Elke, the baby Leaf-Monkey from the Taronga Zoo in Sydney. This makes me wish that I could pop little baby Leaf-Monkeys out of my ass, so that I could have one or two of my very own. The love we would share! And the cute outfits they would wear! But then I'd have to give them away before they got all old and shit, because monkeys have the ability to tear your face off. Yeah, they definitely fall into the "cute until someone gets hurt" category. And I hate to tell you this, but Elke died shortly after this video was taken.

April Fool's!

Okay, no more stupid fucking April Fool's shit. Today is not the day....even though it is....it isn't.

But it is the day for boozing until your eyes do flips, because what's what you really do on holidays!

VIA I Am Bored

You might want to get on the phone with your travel agent right now to book a trip to the extremely beautiful paradise Guantánamo Bay, because it will be the travel destination of the year! Miss Universe agrees, because she recently paid a visit and never wanted to leave!

The New York Times says The Miss Universe Organization sent to the detention center in Cuba to meet the U.S. soldiers and their families. Two days ago, she blogged about it on her website, but it was taken down yesterday. You can read the whole entry here, but I've capped some of the more WTFish quotes a bit below:

This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.

We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.

We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.

The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable, we were able to enjoy it for at least an hour.

I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.

I can't even... Okay, in her defense, she's fucking stupid and can't help it. But seriously, I think she was mostly talking about the town itself when she says it was "beautiful" and "relaxing." I think.....

After The Miss Universe Organization took down the post, they issued this statement: "Dayana Mendoza’s comments on her blog were in reference to the hospitality she received while meeting the members of the U.S. military and their families who are stationed in Guantánamo."

Methinks they should just keep Miss Universe away from anything that causes her to put thoughts together. Just smile, wave, play with cute doggies, smile, wave, play with cute doggies.....