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Fards is a really hot word. I know it means cosmetics or make-up in French, but it sounds like a cross between a fart and a turd. A fart that accidentally produces a turd. A fard! Yes, I'm a dumb dumb American with the brain of an 11-year-old. Anyway, this post has nothing to do with fart turds!

French Elle has decided to do the unthinkable! They put Monica Belluci, Eva Herzigova and Sophie Marceau on their cover without make-up or any Photoshop trickery! So they say. They had to have used something! A tan colored Crayon? Maybe The Empress of Lucite stood near them and they soaked in her intense beauty rays. That had to be it.

Of course, they choose three ladies who are hot without all that shit. You know who I want to see without pounds of make-up and Photoshop? I want to see some JLo! Maybe some Xtina too! That's who I want to see! However, it might be impossible to photograph Xtina without make-up since I think the layers of bronzer on her skin are baked on permanently.

Many years ago Vadge was licking the taint of a skeezy music producer behind the dumpster in a back alley just so he could listen to her demo and now she's plopping down $40 million for a townhouse. Don't ever let someone tell you that a lot of dick sucking doesn't pay off!

IN THIS ECONOMY, some whores aren't hurting and Vadge is one of them. The NY Post says she has signed a contract to buy a four-story 12,000 sq. ft. townhouse at 152 East 81st Street in Manhattan. The original listing price was $45 mill, so Vadge got a deal!

Visit Curbed to see pictures of the inside if you give a haggard bitch's clit.

I realize that XXL wanted to make Eminem as The Punisher as menacing as possible, but I feel like I need to file a restraining order against this cover. Bitch has "I'm gonna butt rape you" eyes. Couldn't they have used the "kittens and rainbows" tool over his mug, so he looks less like he wants to rip a bitch's cheek off with his teeth.

After this picture was taken, the tattoo of his little girl started crying, because she was scared too.

Project Runway's Kenley Collins, also known as The Pussy Thrower of Brooklyn, was in court today to answer to the charges that she attacked her former fiance, Zac Penley, with her a cat, laptop and apples. Kenley pleaded guilty to one count of disorderly conduct. The judge gave her a $120 fine and said she must stay away from Zac Penley for two whole years.

This means she'll never marry Zac Penley, which means she'll never be Kenley Penley, which means we'll never be able to scream "HAHAHA! Your name is Kenley Penley" at her when she's walking down the street. Sad.

And I think I speak for the pussy she threw when I ask, "Does she have to stay away from the cat too?" Because I'm sure the pussy hasn't slept a wink since the incident! Bitch is too afraid that Kenley's crazy ass will launch him again.

Desperate Housewives has lost all of its sparkle now that its finest jewel has left the show. That's what Nicollette Sheridan seems to think anyway. In a new interview with TV Guide, Nicollette says she decided to quit that old bitch, because it just didn't make her pussy pucker anymore. She wanted to leave earlier, but a little thing called a contract got in the way.

Nicollette also said that Marc Cherry, the head bitch on DH, stopped paying her any mind. Marc never put her in the opening credits and barely talked about her ass in interviews. That's when Nicollette compared herself to a shimmering gem stone, "When you have a jewel, why not polish it and put it out there for all to see?"

That line was left over from her Knot's Landing days. It's kind of amazing and Nicollette totally means it! She's right though. She is a fine jewel. The kind of jewel that can be sold for 4 flex-plays of $29.99 on HSN at midnight on a Saturday. The finest!

Nicollette continued scratching at Marc's nalgas, "Somebody up there really wanted her dead. I think whoever Edie represented in Marc's life was somebody he didn't like. And he had a very difficult time distinguishing between fact and fiction."

Marc, being the big queen that is, wasn't going to let Nicollette have the last bitch slap. Marc said there were really no more men for Edie to fuck and that the network made him cut costs, so with her gone the show is saving around $200,000 per episode.

When asked if they were going to put a new whore on the block, Marc said, "What I won't do is cast another fortysomething sexy blonde. Nicollette performed the aging, neighborhood tramp better than anyone has ever done before."

Hey, that's aging, neighborhood JEWEL to you!

Douche. Dildo. Dreamy (Well, he is!) - Towleroad

AnnaLynne McCord wearing a bathing suit that is straight out of Hookers at the Point - Egotastic!

Reese Witherspoon protects the chin - Hollywood Tuna

Shia LaDouche will never be able to fist himself with his left hand again - Popsugar

Princess Eugenie getting a breast exam in the ocean (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Sookie and Bill for those of you going through some True Blood withdrawals. I need some Lafayette, though - Lainey Gossip

A big Easter H.A.M. - Just Jared

100 movies rap - Cityrag

Russell Crowe is obviously the only person alive who doesn't care what's in LeAnn Rimes' handbag - Hollywood Rag

Do you remember the dumb bitch who posted a video himself taking a bath in a Burger King sink during his shift? Well, Kristy and Michael are fucking dumber. They shot an entire mini-series of themselves doing nasty gross shit to the food at Domino's. These two fucktardians then uploaded all the videos to YouTube yesterday. They really wasted their genius by working at Domino's.

The videos were later taken off of YouTube, but GoodAsYou managed to snag all of them including one of Michael wiping his ass with a sponge and then using it to clean a pan. Have you always wondered why the pizza from Domino's tasted like greasy ass? Well, now you have your answer.

Apparently, corporate found out about the videos, contacted the franchise in North Carolina and the two twats were fired. Domino's is also looking into possibly taking legal action against the two.

One of the most disturbing parts in all the videos is when Kristy confesses that she's reading sTori Telling. That explains everything, right? Click here to see all of their masterpieces.

VIA BlondieeNYC

Playboy has this feature on their website called "The Dirty Dozen" where they ask a celebwhore about their fuck life. You can throw your internet-bought Hoodia in the can and make this shit your new appetite suppressant of choice. It's FDA approved. Here, try it out.

Lil' Wayne recently talked sex with Playboy. Yes, Lil' Wayne has sex. Sorry for that image, but you're not feeling hongray anymore, right? If your stomach is still growling, that's because it's in pain from that image of Lil' Wayne humping on another human. Hold your breath and read a few bits from the interview. If you can take it, the whole interview is over at Playboy:

How old were you when you lost your virginity and what were the circumstances?
I was 11 and the girl was 13. She had every board game you could imagine. I liked board games. We was playing Win Lose or Draw and on the board she wrote, "Fuck me." Now I was 11, and I didn't even know it meant "intercourse." I just knew it was a cuss word, so I was like, "Why is she cussing herself out?" She said, "Do you want to play 'Press Your Luck'? Well, the game is in my closet." She had a walk-in closet, so she said, "Go get it, it's right to the right…." When I walk to the closet she came in and cut the lights off and took off my pants, and I remember my ass was cold up against the wall. I was like, "What the hell!?" When I tried to push her off me, I felt that she was naked also, so I just stepped back and let her do what she do.

What celebrity would you most like to have sex with?
I'd probably love to have sex with…man, I think she's dead already. I'd probably want somebody like Marilyn Monroe -- somebody that's been with the president or something. If I had Marilyn Monroe, I would do whatever she asks and whatever she's never had done to her. And I swear I'd do it good!

How cautious are you when it comes to having sex?
I have to be more cautious now. Let me tell you the trick to that. What you do is stop ramming them hos and make love to that pussy! Make that pussy love you and that rubber ain't going nowhere. That rubber will be right there where you started off with if you make love to that pussy. That's when a nigga fuck up, when you trying to do too much. A nigga like me, I am gonna make the pussy so wet that there's no such thing as popping or slipping off. Only problem I am gonna have is keep slipping it in.

Board games: the gateway to sluttery! It's true, it happened to me when I was young. While playing Monopoly, a boy said he'd give me Park Place for Reading Railroad and a blow job. The door was open.....

And "Ramming them hos and make love to that pussy" is such sweet poetry. That line could have come straight out of a William Blake poem. Lil' Wayne is such a romantic.

Wait, one more thing, MARILYN MONROE IS DEAD?!!!!!

Fishsticks Paltrow probably has an arsenal of effed up baby names in her head that she's just dying to use, because apparently she's ready to have another baby. Fishy said that one day she looked down at her son Moses and thought to herself, "Oh, I don't want this to be the last two-year-old I have." Moses looked back at her and thought to himself, "Why is this bitch looking at me like that? And why did she name me Moses? And why is she making me drink this dandelion juice? Does she hate me?"

Fishy tells Now Magazine (via The Sun) that she might have one more baby, because being a mother completes her, “Motherhood enriches your life in the most incredible way. My children have given me a real life. They’ve opened up a new world to me. I never feel lonely, I never feel I don’t know what my purpose in life is any more.”

Fishy didn't need to have children in order to know what her purpose in life is. She should've just asked us! Her purpose in life is to annoy the fuck out of all of us and she's doing an A++++ job.

I want Fishy to have another guppy, just to see what she names the poor thing. I'm thinking Amram Papaya Martin. Or Lychee Jochebed Martin? Or Pharaoh Kiwano Martin? One of those.

How did the tranny frog get the reclusive gaysian unicorn known as Bobby Trendy to come to her stupid ass book party? It must have been an accident. Bobby was probably nearby when he heard his mating call: the click from a camera. It beckoned him to bring a little glamour to this overall fug affair. And I'm glad he did, because otherwise we wouldn't get to see how he reworked the vagina prom dress to make it work for him. Now the fat pink pussy on his chest matches the one on his ass. And is it just me or does Bobby kind of look like a ladyboy version of Phyllis Diller here?

That dumb bitch Kelly Taylor also came out when she should've stayed home with her head in a big bowl of VO5! Bitch's hair looks like Sarah Jessica Parker's next meal. That shit looks highly flammable. One flame is all it takes... Luckily, Jennie didn't stand anywhere near Bobby.

Here's the rest of the whores from last night's dreadful affair including, Kim Kardassian, Preparation H's arch rival Lisa Rinna, Creepy McDermott, Harry Hamlin and Rodney Stranger's twin sister Patti.