Archives

On the left is a perfectly lovely 49-year-old English queen and on the right is a satisfied corpse after Shonna from Family Plots worked her mortician magic on it. The Funeral Fairy of South Carolina would be all over this bitch!

There's really no way of saying this, but Rupert Everett bludgeoned his own face with a WTF stick! Star Magazine got an expert to say Rupert looks 10 years younger. Um...paging Dr. Glatt! I'm going going to need you to stand really still while I stamp a big "WRONG" on your forehead. Rupert doesn't look 10 years younger, but he does look 10 zillion times creeper! Who was his plastic surgeon? Madame Tussaud?

Experiment time! Light a candle, let it melt a bit, blow it out and then quickly stick your thumb on the liquid wax. Let dry for 2 quick seconds, then take a good look at it. Rupert Everett with his eyes closed, right? Yeeeeeeah, that's not what's hot.

By the way, that horrifying screen shot of Rupert is from when he was on The Martha Stewart show a week ago. I'm shocked Martha didn't draw a fleur-de-lis design on his face with a silver marker then stick a wick on top of his head and light him.

Because that shit on Mischa Barton's feet looks like the fake hidden immunity idol Taj made a few episodes back! Throw it into the fire, Jeff! Speaking of Survivor, Mischa looks like she's been on exile island for a few weeks. That's the face of a ho who has been nibbling on sand and drinking swamp water on a regular basis.

Here's more of Mischa and her tiki shoes at an event for Herbal Essence in Milan today. That's kind of ironic, because bitch needs to start putting some herbal essence in her pipe instead of that meth shit.

Is it creepy to drag your 28-year-old daughter to your plastic surgeon's office, point at her face and tell him, "Give me this"? 50-year-old Jane cunt-cunt-cunt-Cunliffe from the UK doesn't think so. Jane brags to the Daily Mail that she's spent around $15,000 to look exactly like her daughter Janet (the trick on the right). It's nice to know that Britain has their very own Brooke and Linda Hogan.

It all started when Jane moved in with Janet after breaking up with her boyfriend. Jane started going out with Janet and her friends, but felt like an old, fat, ratty, busted up hag compared to them. She decided to do something about it, so she lost a bunch of weight and called up a plastic surgeon in Croatia she read about. Jane said, "I envied Jane's crinkle-free eyes, full lips and luscious, long blonde hair,' says Janet. 'I was desperate to look more like my daughter, but knew no wrinkle creams could ever wind back the clock that far."

Jane, who already had plastic titty sacks put in a few years ago, flew out to Croatia to have her eyes and nose done. When she got back to Britain, she completed the makeover by getting her lips pumped and polyester blonde hair put in. The transformation is now complete!

Nowadays, Jane can't wait to go out and slut it up with her own daughter. Jane says they get mistaken for sisters all the time which makes her nipples queef out of excitement. Janet, the daughter, added, "Actually, I love us looking the same, we're closer than ever and she's the sister I always wanted and never had."

This actually wasn't that creepy to me until my gutter brain pictured Jane and Janet comparing vaginas in the mirror to see which one looked more toddler-like.

You know people tell you not to drink the water every time you go to a far off country or Florida (joooking..not really)? Well, Josh Hartnett didn't listen and he slurped up a bunch of refreshing fungus juice.

A couple of weeks ago, Josh had to go to the hospital in Los Angeles and everyone (including this bitch) figured he just ate some bad coke-encrusted tuna. At some event in NYC last night, Josh blamed third world water. He chirped to UsWeekly, "I'm fine, I had a stomach bug -- it was literally, like, a 24 hour thing. I was so dehydrated that I needed to be on a couple of IVs. I'm good. The media made a huge deal about it because I left the Chateau Marmont -- you know. That's where I always stay in L.A....you know, they wanna' come up with whatever they want to come up with. My stomach has been bothering me for months. It's been recurring because I've spent a lot of time in third world countries and I drink the water occasionally when I shouldn't, I shower and -- it's nothing to worry about!"

Josh obviously needs more vodka. Vodka should be everyone's #1 travel partner. It kills all germs. It's a scientific fact. Fuck that Purrell shit. That crap just makes you smell like you've just given someone a hand job with ultrasound gel. Vodka is the answer. Pour it in a glass of third world water to kill all the mold worms. Even use it to sanitize a dirty dick before you suck it. So many uses! Doctor approved!

This Stepford Wife is close to splitting from her husband. She has actually consulted with several high-profile divorce lawyers on both coasts. The main issue here seems to be custody of their kid/s, whom the husband is intent on keeping. Thankfully, she’s gotten her parents involved, even though she had distanced herself from them over the past few years. No It’s Not: Nicole Kidman. (Blind Gossip)

There's only one celebwhore who has the dead and glazed eyes of a Stepford Wife, but that sounds way too good to be true. Besides, doesn't that weepy robot have a 10-year-contract?

Which funnyman doesn't even bother to hide his drug habit? When pals come to visit his pad, they're just as likely to see baggies of cocaine lying around as they are to see throw pillows. (Gatecrasher)

Mickey Rooney, of course. I would say Andy Dick, but is he considered funny and a man?

This B list movie actor is on the cusp of A list. He had a breakout year last year. He considers himself to be a method actor to some extent. For researching one role he spent a great deal of money on drugs. Just for research mind you. Since he considered the research crucial to his acting performance he wanted to know if he could deduct the $15,000 he spent on drugs. (CDAN)

James Franco? And Blohan should bitch out her agent for not getting her that role.

Which singer/talk show hostess should be more careful where she shops? She was taken recently to a downtown storage facility where she bought $10,000 worth of luxury designer goods of dubious provenance — not fake, but fallen off the truck. (Page Six)

Kathie Lee Gifford?! And why does that make me happy?

This mummy has been passing stories on the set about how she drinks a glass or two of wine every night. No problems with that, except that she said she did so when she was still breastfeeding. We hope she was joking, but she’s not really known for her sense of humor. It’s not Jennifer Garner. (BuzzFoto)

A little booze in the leche never hurt anybody! Besides, baby has all day to sleep off its hangover. My guess is Rebecca Romjin, because she's the first chick that popped into my head.

JLove has got the "make the chichis kiss" pose down - Egotastic!

Tater Head's erect spuds (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

What in Liberace polar bear Hell is Olivia Palermo wearing?! - I'm Not Obsessed

Drew Barrymore is making funeral water wings look kind of hot - Popsugar

Stepford Katie looks like someone farted (I'm looking at you, Domino's workers) in her barley as she goes to Posh's birthday party - Just Jared

Meanwhile, Pacey seems to be having a good year - Lainey Gossip

No, David Hernandez, it was the "can't sing for shit" thing - Towleroad

Kendra Wilkinson rides the pole - Hollywood Tuna

Why don't I ever run into this hot bitch in the subway? - Cityrag

Baby Jesus is back in Madonna's gristled arms - Celebitchy

Penny Cruz and her sexy beard are still at it - Socialite Life

Burger King celebrates lechery! - Hollywood Rag

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni had a romantic dinner together. That's until he started dry humping one of the waitresses. It's habit! - ICYDK

Where can I send 25 cents a day to sponsor Tori Spelling's titties? They are looking so malnourished. They look like two snails out of their shells slowly frying in the sun. Tori needs to soak them in a sink full of Ensure, because that shit isn't healthy. While she's at it, she should drink a little Ensure herself, but it's her chichis I'm worried about. They've been surviving on nothing but a diet of silicone and that's obviously not working out for them. Those boobies are hongray.

In this week's edition of Tales From the Toilet, Fishsticks Paltrow enlightens us on how gossiping only brings evil energy into our lives. HOORAY! Bathe me in a tub full of hot evil energy! Evil energy rocks me to sleep every night. I'd rather be an evil gossiper than a snobby cunt who can't even let out a relaxing fart because a giant stick of delusional is shoved so far up her own ass. But forgive me, that's the evil energy talking.

Fishy gave an example in a blind item of sorts. Although, the co-star in this blind item has Johnny Depp's saliva all over her.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road. So, why does it feel so good to hear something bad about someone you don’t like? Or someone you DO like? Or someone you don’t KNOW? I once asked the editor of a tabloid newspaper why all of the stories about a famous British couple had a negative bent. He said that when the headline was positive, the paper didn’t sell. Why is that? What’s wrong with us? I asked the sages to shed a little light.

Here’s to washing our mouths out with soap...

Love,

Gwyneth

Here's to you choking on a bar of soap. Tonight, I will ask my own personal sage (my bong) to shed a little light on why Fishsticks is such a pretentious bitch!

Also, will somebody please tell Winona Ryder to get her klepto ass over here, so she can shoplift the stick out of Fishy's ass and shove it in her mouth. Please.

The two foolios who posted videos on YouTube of themselves doing gross things to the food at Domino's were arrested and charged with distributing prohibited foods. That's just legal talk for "ass queefing on pepperoni." The po-po in Conover, NC said 32-year-old Michael Setzer already was released on bail, but 31-year-old Kristy Hammonds is still marinating in a cell.

Kristy needed to spend more quality time with those jerked up eyebrows and less time videotaping ole' boy effing his nostril with a piece of cheese before placing it on a sub. Seriously, the face should not have two different eyebrows. I know meth probably made the one on the left more spazzy, but a few plucks and a swipe from a Sharpie would fix that! I hope that while Kristy is sitting in a cell, she thinks long and hard about the pain she caused her eyebrows. Oh yeah, and she should also think about how drizzling butt air on people's food isn't right. Yeah, that's not good.

Source: AP

The drought ended after Susan Boyle's performance on Britain's Got Talent made millions cry a river of joyous tears. My inbox has gotten more action from Susan Boyle than "Generic Viagra" or "18yo Russian girlfriend.". So for those of you that just want to pour caramel sauce on Susan's bushbrows and eat 'em up, here's her interview from The Early Show today. Even Patti LuPone, the original Fantine Les Miz, called up Susan and said, "Susan, you've got pluck, girl." Way to slap a ho in the caterpillar-brows, Patti! Even I don't mind the fact that her eyebrows look like the spawn of Vadge's sascrotch. Gorgeous cholita eyebrows aren't for everyone! Susan is still perfect.

Susan and I totally have something in common. We both display greeting cards in our homes. Why do I do that?! I think because they compliment my Precious Moments collection.

VIA People