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A few years ago, Rosie O called Starlet Jones "delusional" because of that whole "dieting and Pilates" lie. Star's constipated trout face finally admitted she had her stomach cinched and sealed. Well, it looks like it's all fat water under the band now, because Rosie and Gay Al's former enema bottle holder have teamed up in the name of charity.

UsWeekly says both Rosie and Star will have lunch with the highest bidder. All cash monies from the auction will go towards the Figure Skating in Harlem charity.

Yes, lunch. How in Barbara Walters lisp Hell are you supposed to eat food things with a Star on one side and a Rosie on the other. Do you also win an hour with a gastroenterologist, because your stomach will be on the wrong side of fucked up after that lunch. On second thought, Rosie O wouldn't be so bad. I'd ask her to tell me stories about Babwa pee peeing on herself during meetings while I nibbled on my salad croutons. Then we'd crank call Hasselcrack and pretend to be Dubya. She would totally have phone fucky times with us. Okay, that would good.

But Star?! How are you supposed to swallow successfully when you've got that face looking back at you?! And you know she'll stare at your food with those hongray eyes that make you want to call a priest or 911 or something. I'd rather eat my meal off of a truck stop urinal cake than dine with that bitch. Although, I would like to ask her if the rumor about Gay Al taking three wangs in his glazed donut hole at one time is true. If it is, I need the blueprint on that shit.

Are you looking for the perfect fun film to show your church during holy movie night (do they have that?) What am I saying? None of you whores go to church! You still have the singe marks on your genitals from the last time you tried step in one! Anyway, this is the Bruno trailer! In order to watch it you have to answer like a bunch of really hard math problems, because I guess it's kind of NSFWish. I'm surprised they didn't ask for a stool sample and your great grandma's middle name. I had to call up my 5-year-old cousin to help me out with this shit. Why do they make things so hard?

But it was worth it. Especially the part about what he names his African baby. And Richard Fucking Bey is in this! Oh, I hope this shit proves to be really damn offensive.

Why does Heidi Klum look like she's posing for quarters in some Equus boots on a street bench in front of a crowd of damn strangers?! I thought that the recession had claimed another victim, but she's actually just doing something model shit for German Vogue in Beverly Hills.

You know Posh is somewhere in the world strapped to an IV bag filled with the period blood of virgins and laughing at Heidi! Cackling! Heidi can't even get up in those things! If she Posh actually did any kind of exercise, she'd wear those "kill me now" platforms while running a marathon.

And I am jealous about that steel rainbow popping out of Heidi's ass.

For those of you that are taking Alli, I suggest that the next time your asshole starts leaking greasy diarrhea, you bottle that shit STAT! Valentino will buy it from you by the gallon, because it looks like he loves to slather his face in poopy oil. That's his look. You might see a colonic gone wrong, but Valentino sees booty and poofection.

Here's Valentino looking like something Brit Brit might fart out at the premiere of his documentary in Los Angeles last night with Fishsticks and Anne Hathaway.

In case you have just arrived on Earth, let me welcome you with a HoHan nipple that every pair of working eyes on this planet has already seen - Egotastic!

Johnny Depp. That is all. - Just Jared

I really want to see RiRi and CHERYK BURKE in a mop-off - Popsugar

Elizabeth Hurley at the opening of a store in an outlet mall. How do you say ghetto in British? - Lainey Gossip

This is your every weekend - Cityrag

Two butch dykes making out by the pool (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Miley Cyrus couldn't be happier with her pedo-boy-toy. Yes, committing a felony is fun! - Hollywood Rag

Brad Pitt is cock-eyed - Towleroad

Tila Tequila in her Wednesday night church outfit - Hollywood Tuna

This Powder Blue movie basically looks like soft-core Pit Bull porn - Popoholic

It wasn't just a bad nightmare, Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker really did break up! Yes, I know you woke up this morning, hoping it was just the cruelest April Fool's Joke ever. But don't take a pair of safety scissors to your wrist to stop the pain, because that's not what Shanna wants. No, she wants you to pay attention to her! Only she says she doesn't. But she does. Just don't let her know that you know that. The famewhore is playing hard to get it.

In a new post on MySpace, Shanna blamed Travis for e-mail fucking with other whores and said his friends were slagging her off on blogs and shit. Shanna never addresses the rumors that she blew the bagpipes of a certain hot piece of Scottish meat. I'm guessing Shanna didn't bring his name up, because she can't type it without her ass lips clapping like it's someone's birthday. I don't think anyone can type Gerard Butler without - Oh! There goes me. And here goes Shanna's full rant. Cross your eyes (it makes more sense that way) and read away:

I really thought the days of my personal relationship being played in the public eye were over. just so there is no confusion or "source" to attack my character, I am saying my side.

Travis and I were very much together in September when the horrific crashed happened, not only did I fly to Georgia I stayed by his side the entire stay and also for the bus ride home to LA, I think any human being with a heart and for the love of any good friend , never mind father of their children and lover would do the same, After arriving in LA and getting settled in the new hospital, I came across numerous romantic emails with MANY other woman, some famous , some I personally knew, all heart breaking. and the woman involved you know who you are and should be ashamed of yourself. I also came across emails where employees of my ex were writing comments on gossip networks like TMZ and Perez Hilton, attacking me as a woman and a mother. I Think those were more painful then the infidelities. As anyone can imagine, I was devastated, this is when I stopped going to the LA hospital, I knew and made sure even after what I learned he had a strong support system in place with friends and family, and I made it clear to them why I would be dismissing myself, at that point with the new information revealed to me I considered myself SINGLE and thou In my heart hoped we would remain friends and good parents had no intentions of getting back together. It was a painful time that no one unless they had lived it has the right to judge. Any actions I may or may have not done after this time, mean nothing.

I have been attacked by my Ex and his friends in the press for years at this point, my ability as a mother ( which to me is the cruelest thing you can do to any mother) my character and my integrity. I have never verbally bashed him as a father. I didn't even bash him after the infamous blogs years ago, I have never went on different social networks and made campaigns of hate and slander, In fact MANY times I have had to bite my tongue and try to be the bigger person. I have tried to always put the lives and thoughts and feelings of my children first. I am by no means an angel, and I have made many mistakes, but a woman can only turn her cheek so many times.

"No Comment" just wasn't sufficent this time when people continue to lie and distort the truth. the sad part is, the truth really isn't that juicy or news worthy, it's sad and I wish it had been left behind closed doors. I am a human being and the bashing has taken it's toll.

hope your all happy.
s.

I know the bashing is taking its toll on her as a human being, but it should be "you're." I KNOW! I'm the last whore on this fucking internet planet who should be calling a bitch out for that kind of shit, but I couldn't help it. I get to be the copy editor for once. Let me have my moment.

And I'm sure that by the time I hit "publish" on this bitch, Shanna's ass lips will be clapping all over Travis' mouth during a make-up salad tossing.

Just a few days ago Mickey Rourke was loving up Jaws like he was the only bitch in his life and look at this shit right here! Mickey is kissing on some blonde whore! It doesn't take much for Mickey, does it? He sees a bitch wagging her skanky tail, giving him puppy dog eyes and then before you know it, he's whispering sweet lovelies into her ear. That dog is a homewrecking slut! She's loving it and wants more. Poor Jaws. When Mickey got home reeking of doggy chow, Jaws knew he had been untrue. He probably howled, "Why can't you love me?!", but Mickey was too wasted on the sweet intoxication of that dog slut to listen. The next time Mickey makes out with Jaws at an airport, he's going to know it's not that special.

Apparently, the dog slut had some kind of ear infection and that's why Mickey was giving it some love. Well, now that skank whore also has an eye infection from getting that close to Mickey's mug!

So she pulled off her flip-flop and snacked on that for a bit. Usually, when I eat my rubber sandal, I pour some A1 on that bitch, charbroil it a bit and serve it with some fries, but Suri likes hers raw and plain. To each his own. Don't worry, I'm sure there's some kind of protein in there. Hopefully, after Suri finished devouring that flip-flop, she ate up Stepford Katie's "abuelita with a cold" hat.

And don't you dare put any blame on Katie for allowing Suri to lick on caca. She's too busy hating life to notice!

Just when she gets shoved back to the tattoo farm, Little Miss Sunny Joy brought out the bitch last night. This is what I was waiting for and it came too late! I always knew she wasn't only filled with sunshiney happy fun times. The cunt that Megan has been keeping quiet finally seeped out to bite one of Simon's fur tittays. It seemed like Megan was just over it. She was sick of fake smiling and sick of not being able to face fuck Danny Hokey with a hammer. Bitch was saying fuck Simon, fuck Paula, fuck Kara's ugly ass jaw, and fuck that big gay lion who shrieks like he's got a power strip in his ass! FUCK all of it! And Simon kicked her in the culo right back when he told her they wouldn't be using the dumb ass Power of Veto to save her. Although, Megan needs to leave that "caw caw" shit

Speaking of CACA, she performed on Idol last night! Okay, I try try try my hardest to give him a chance. I do. At the beginning, her little Carol Channing acid tab act didn't really bother me. But then she got up and that's when I felt like I needed to sound the whistle, so the dog catcher could come out and wrestle that rabies-infected beast to the floor before it infected someone. The bitch needed a Mace blast to the face. And I think Adam Lambert pulled the power strip out of his ass and shoved it up hers. That's the only thing that would explain the body seizure she calls dancing.

The clip is below. Put a spoon on your tongue just in case. And I know I'm not the only one who wanted her to zip up her whole face!

VIA MjsBlog

This proves that vampires don't shrivel up in salt water or the sun - Socialite Life

The "Over the Moon" Watch: Constance Marie edition - People

MiserAlba is racist against white foods! - Celebitchy

It sounds like Robbie Williams gave his girlfriend some kind of rare jungle STD - I'm Not Obsessed

K-Fat ate the kids - Pink is the New Blog

If Glenn Close ever got into a room with Carrot Top who would make it out in one piece? - HuffPo

And when I "think" about Lady CaCa, I can give myself the shits - Holy Moly!

Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner just need to kiss and make out.... on a webcam so we can all see - ICYDK