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Stories like this really makes me hurt for my slut people. Listen to this tragic story: 52-year-old Jo Ellen Nolan recently lost her job, so in order to pay her bills, she took a job peddling her saggy nalgas at Club 1245 in Akron, Ohio. Ole' girl was all ready to make a few bucks so she could take her ass home to a warm compress and a cup of Benefiber, when some trick ass stripper started sassing her!

Jo Ellen said the skank was on her ass, because she didn't want another ho getting in the way of her money. The argument led to the skank beating Jo Ellen with a stiletto! Jo Ellen was taken to the nearest hospital and treated for wounds to her head. Sadly, that was her last day as a titty merchant. She said, "I've learned my lesson. I think I was just being stupid anyway. I just have to go to a temporary service or keep looking for a job. That was just an easy way out and it turned out to be H-E-double-L."

Police are trying to find the other stripper. The only lead they have is that she goes by the name of "Beautiful." With a stripper name like that, she's probably the ugliest bitch in Akron.

Why can't all us whores stick together as one? When another bitch needs you to hold her hair while she's sucking cock in the back room of a club, you do that for her. When she has a tampon string hanging out of her cooch and she's about to shake her shit for a group of creepy ass men, you point that shit out! Times are tough, but you should always help a fellow whore out! Sluts unite!

Source: Fox 8 (Thanks Mia)

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim tittays are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

Here's more of Kelly's rogue breasts with Laird Hamilton, Gabrielle Reece and their kid at an event in NYC last year.

This celebrity couple’s pre-nuptial agreement required the wife to stay in the relationship for a certain amount of time. However, the Stepford Wife’s law firm has decided that it may be difficult to impossible for the husband to enforce this. It seems that the wife knows much more than she should about the husband’s long-time and very personal relationship with another high-profile man. She is using that knowledge to get her sentence reduced and to to gain custody over the couple’s kid/s. It’s still not Nicole Kidman.(Blind Gossip)

These blind items better not let us down. Stepford Katie better run for the door and bring pictures of Will Smith fingering Tommy Girl's Scientolohole with her.

This action/comedy star has some serious odor issues. On the set of his film which just wrapped, the studio has had to complete redo his trailer - new paint, floors, etc. Apparently the smell of B.O. was strong enough to curl anyone’s nose, and no amount of scrubbing could eradicate it. It’s not Matt Damon…or his BFF Ben for that matter. (BuzzFoto)

Matthew McConaughey, but I would think the delicious scent of his bong would drown out any body grossness.

This married, aging C list movie actress was the indie "it" actress long before Parker Posey. For the past six months she has been having an affair with a man on parole for killing his wife. (CDAN)

Lifetime has its next movie-of-the-week right here. And Jennifer Jason Leigh as the star?

Which rehabbed actor is back on the sauce? He just can’t keep his hands off the booze when he’s in L.A.! (Gatecrasher)

Jonathan Rhys Meyers? He's got eyes that scream "white lines," but maybe his poison is the sweet nectar?

Burnt pigeonhead! Oh, wait. I mean SIZE 2 burnt pigeonhead. - Just Jared

The Gaythering Storm - Towleroad

The Pictures: The Brangie holy family goes to the grocery store. Have a defibrillator close just in case your heart stops - Popsugar

Nothing can keep He-Vadge away from the gym - Lainey Gossip

Lily Allen looks hot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Tofu, titties and a side of hep - Hollywood Rag

Andy Roddick married this - Egotastic!

That other one from Destiny's Child is in a bikini. No, the other other one - Hollywood Tuna

Ashley Judd with a doily on her forehead - Cityrag

As if Amy Wino couldn't get even more naturally beautiful, she's now sporting a beauty mark on her leg. A beauty mark that probably matches an open wound on Wonky McValtrex's vag lips.

Wino's spokeswhore blamed the burn on a rogue crack pipe boiling pot of pasta. Apparently, Wino was trying to do some cooking shit in St. Lucia when a pot accidentally tipped over and sprayed her leg with hot water. Wino's got enough of the bad shit in her system, so she just shrugged it off, snorted some of the dead skin and went on with her life.

Looking at that shit is making my nails crack, but Wino hardly feels any pain! A source told The Sun she's going around the island like nothing, “Amy’s wounds looked so painfully sore — she really should cover them up or get herself under an umbrella. They were covered in sand too. We couldn’t believe she wasn’t keeling over in pain.” Yeah, well, it's a scientific fact that a river full of crack running through your veins kills pain!

Every time I see nasty wounds like this, I always want to pour rubbing alcohol over it to watch it sizzle and crack. I bet if I did that to Wino, that shit would light up and everyone in the room would instantly be riding on a white cloud from the contact high.

It's a unicornie memaw! This picture is the sole reason for Cornify! The only. Sadly, the unicorn memaw is no longer frolicing through Robert Pattinson's magical forest hair since she had it removed after 20 years. These are the before pictures.

Without Cornify, it sorts of looks like a hard doody is coming out of her head. I bet this happens to Fishsticks Paltrow every time she writes a post on GOOP.

VIA Buzzfeed (Thanks Rose)

Michelle Rodriguez must have not gotten her usual daily dose of twatty milk while at a friend's four-day wedding in the Dominican Republic this weekend, because the dyke went "polar bear stalking" nuts!

Page Six says that at the welcome dinner, the bodybuilder bulldog pushed fully-clothed guests into the pool for jizz and giggles. WELCOME! Here's a mouth full of chlorine. Yay! At the bachelorette party the next night, MRod got her peen lips in a twist over the stripper. She reportedly screamed that the wang dancer was "fat and had a small dick." Before she stomped off to find a cunt to bump, she yelled, "This is the kind of thing that brings out the bisexual in me."

MRod doesn't like her dicks in size tiny. She likes her dicks turned inside out and pushed into the crotch with a fat clit attached.

MRod needs a career change! She needs to go from angry lezzie in movies to angry lezzie at weddings! Most of the weddings I have been to would've been so much better with a mouthy dyke going on about small dicks! MRod will work for Jack and snatch.

A couple of days ago, I posted some shit about how when Rubina Ali's mother found out her ex was trying to sell their daughter on the auction block, she took her ass down there to beat some ass. Well, here's the video of Rubina's mother and stepmother rumbling in Mumbai. Damn. These ladies don't play. Jai "choke that" Ho!

I just wish that after the brawl, they jumped into the Fox News studio and delivered a double beat down on that dumb bitch Megyn Kelly.

Stepford Katie won't be the only inanimate object with a child, because Julie Chen announced this morning that she's knocked up. The 39-year-old Asian robot host of Big Brother and The Early Show said that she's due in October. This is her first baby bot with husband and boss Les Moonves. 60-year-old Les already has three big ass children of his own from his first wife. The same wife he left The Chenbot for! He couldn't resist her animatronic cooch.

The Chenbot said that being knocked up will not slow her down. She will host Big Brother this summer as planned. Chenbot should really just rest her nuts and bolts. CBS can use a hologram to host that shit instead. NOBODY will notice. BUT FIRST!

And The Chenbot is totally going to pop out a giant plastic head covered in foundation. Don't be surprised.

VIA HuffPo

People who look exactly the same in every picture. Note: This shit will give you a seizure (Izismile via Buzzfeed)

Don't talk shit about Loki Rourke (R.I.P.) or ELSE! - Celebitchy

John Mayer before he became one of the biggest d-bags the world has ever seen - SOW

Asshole Simpson is going to ruin Melrose Place forever and she's smiling about it! - I'm Not Obsessed

Johnny Depp's luscious locks will not be tamed - Socialite Life

Scott Speedman, just because - ICYDK

Pintos IN Cheese: People are fucking in Taco Bell bathrooms - Videogum

CUNT! - Holy Moly!