Archives

I was just got back from boozing in the sun to find my e-mail box filled with the terrible and heartbreaking news that the iconic Bea Arthur has went off to the great big lanai in the sky at the age of 86. I was not ready for this!

A rep for Bea said she died peacefully in her sleeping this morning at home. Bea had cancer, but her rep didn't give any specific details as to the cause of her death. Her personal assistant, Dan Witt, said, "She was a brilliant and witty woman. Bea will always have a special place in my heart." In mine as well.

Some know Bea for her role as Maude, but I know her as one of my best late-night friends, Dorothy Zbornak on Golden Girls. Seriously, I feel like I lost one of my bestest friends! After coming home from a drunken night, I could always count on Bea and company to lullaby me to sleep with their brilliant and touching way with comedy.

Thank you for being a friend, Bea. You will be missed and your genius will live on forever! I mean that. And tell "ma" we all said "Hi."

Now if you'll excuse me, I must drown the pain away with something strong. Maybe a cheesecaketini. Rest in peace, Bea.....

Source

Bat Boy put Xtina up to this, right? He wants to become Transylvania's hottest couple and that's why Xtina's eyebrows vant to suck my blood. It's not normal for a pair of eyebrows to look like they want to take me into their arms, lead me in a waltz around the room and sink their teefs into my neck after dipping me. No, eyebrows should not look like they belong on a box of Count Chocula. Those are some super vampire eyebrows too! We shouldn't be seeing them in pictures. Strange powers!

I'd be willing to look past Xtina's continuous violation of red lipstick if she rectifies her eyebrow situation. Throw some garlic powder on those things and start again. Bat Boy isn't always right.

Xtina and her dracu-brows serenaded the crowd with her glorious "chipmunk getting castrated without anesthesia" voice at an event for the Gay & Lesbian Center of L.A. last night.

This party was a clusterfuck! Some of the hos were just there for the photo-op while others were obviously just there for the open bar (IN THIS ECONOMY). And why does Wonky McValtrex keep getting invited to events? Doesn't that break several health code violations? I need to look it up.

Anyway, here's some of the trollops at last night's party. They are: Linda Perry, the dead Pomeranian on her head, Xtina, rapey-faced Slade Smiley, Gretchen "No Moral Character" Rossi, Cybil Shepherd, Wonky, Cybil's gayelle daughter Clementine Ford, Dita Von Teese, rapey-faced Doug Reinhardt, legendary Jennifer Coolidge and Sharon Stone.

Jodie Marsh, the pristine beauty with a vagina that smells like fresh English roses on a Spring morning, has magically turned back into a heterosexual after "turning lesbian" a few months ago. You know, I think Jodie has always been a fucksexual. Meaning, she will fuck anything: dudes, chicks, back alley rodents, Fanta bottles, discarded turkeyburger meat, futons, sporks, Beta S cartridges, Babybel cheese and (insert everything that exists in the world today here). Jodie is an equal-opportunity fucker. She has a lot of love (and coochie diseases) to give! This is why I will always adore her. I would share a pot of tea and a dick with her anytime.

Here's Jodie with her new piece Ryan Fleming at the opening of some free clinic or whorehouse in Ireland last night. Jodie is looking demure as ever in a sophisticated ensemble that I believe Queen Elizabeth wore to her birthday ball a few days ago. Extreme elegance ahead. Proceed with caution.

Desmond, Desmond, Desmond! Sit on your damn hands, man! Tickle the hole to ease a little bit of that sexual frustration, damn! I say this, because Desmond from Lost (real person name: Henry Ian Cusick) has been accused of illegally man-handling a former crew member on the show. Chelsea Stone filed a lawsuit against Desmond claiming he sexually harassed (AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO TAKE IT!) her on the Lost set in October 2007.

In the lawsuit, Chelsea says Desmond touched her nalgas and caressed her back while making moaning sounds (maybe he had bad Mexican for lunch?). After he finished giving her ass cheeks a little rub down, he straight-up motorboated her. Chelsea says Desmond put his face in between her breasts and "wagged his head back and forth." Um, Desmond, that kind of motorboat isn't going to get you off that island.

Chelsea says Desmond continued to fondle her breasticles and then he kissed her on the mouth.

When Chelsea complained to production, they did dick about the incident. She said that during the next few days, the other employees acted "hostile" towards her. A few days after that, Chelsea was dumped by the show and told to get her shit out of there. She got fired!

Chelsea is asking for an unspecified amount of cash from Desmond, ABC and the production company. She says she got physically sick after suffering "humiliation and severe mental and emotional distress."

Is it wrong that I was a little turned on by the image of Desmond motorboating? Yes, it is. I'm mad that the next time I watch Lost, I won't be able to fight the urge to push my chest bumps together and rub 'em against the screen. That's not right.

Source: E! Online

Rindy Ross, the lead singer and lead saxophonist (a deadly combination) from Quarterflash - If you're wondering who the hell Quarterflash is, just watch the video below. It will all come back to you. I'm sure you've drunkenly given at least five lapdances to this song. They don't make stripper songs like this anymore. And I think Sadie Sandler might have traveled from the future to make a cameo in this video.

For Mark

Chris Lilley (35)
Jason Lee (39)
Renee Zellweger (40)
Gina Torres (40)
Hank Azaria (45)
Andy Bell (45)
Talia Shire (63)
Al Pacino (69)
William Roache (77)