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You know how there were rumors that Matthew Broderick was stepping out on SJP and they were going to quit their marriage? Well, everything's just wonderful now, because they are having twin BAND-AIDS BABIES!!!! Don't worry, SJP's sexy filly body isn't going to get all fat, because they are using a surrogate.

A rep for Matthew, 47, and SJP, 44, confirmed the news to E! and said they are having two daughters. The two already have a 6-year-old son named James Wilkie.

They had to hire a professional baby oven. They had no choice. I'm sure SJP tried to do sexy times with Matthew, but every time he sees a live vagina, he gets all giggly and then breaks into the title number from "Hello Dolly!" complete with jazz hands galore. He does that whenever he gets nervous. Then SJP neighs to herself and gallops off all frustrated-like. So, this was the only way.

The island of Maui is still getting violated by HoHan and company. Yesterday, HoHan actually bathed herself in some tide pool with her sister Benjamina Button and other friends. HoHan also made friends with an island dog! Well, it was a one-sided friendship. Methinks he was just waiting for the greasy bone to stop moving so he could bite into it. Luckily, he didn't get his chance or he'd be spitting out dried crack fungus and fan tan smegma for the rest of the week.

I know I keep saying that HoHan looks like her diet consists of coke balls, Red Bull, nicotine and Juciy Fruit, but does she really look that beat? I mean, yes she's a crack hit away from looking like a post-Blaaaake Wino and I can count all her rib bones without my contacts on, but is it that bad? Take a good look. A good look...... Okay it is. Now I know why we eat food.

Here's more of my own, my love, my precioussssssssss in Hawaii.

Hulk Hogan said this to Rolling Stone: "I could have turned everything into a crime scene, like OJ, cutting everybody's throat. You live half a mile from the 20,000-square-foot home you can't go to anymore, you're driving through downtown Clearwater and see a 19-year-old boy driving your Escalade, and you know that a 19-year-old boy is sleeping in your bed, with your wife . . . I totally understand OJ. I get it."

Linda Hogan has taken that statement, blended it down, rolled it into a tube, dipped it in plastic, let it dry for 48-hours and is now using it to fuck Hulk where it counts: in the wallet. Linda filed papers in court requesting a flat fee of $24,000 AND $8,200 more a month so that she can move to California to get away from Hulk. You know, because she thinks he might pull an OJ on her.

If Hulk doesn't give her more money, Linda will file a domestic violence injunction against him.

Just because Linda looks like a male pot-bellied pig dressed in drag as Hatchet-Face from Cry-Baby, doesn't mean she has chicharrones for brains. Linda probably wanted to move to Los Angeles anyway, so she used Hulk's words as a way to get there without dipping into her own purse (which he funds). Get that money, tranny! And when you do, use some of that money to get a mother/daughter peen snip with Brooke.

This is the status note international supermodel and Hot Babe of the Millenium, Phoebe Price, just left on her Facebook. There's no time to cry! Pray that not one cutlet was harmed on PP or Mama Cutlet's beautiful faces. Not one.

Drop whatever dick you're sucking, run to the freezer, get out all your chicken cutlets and carefully place them around your Phoebe Price shrine. If you don't already have a PP shrine, slap yourself and then create one fast. All together now! Light all the candles, hold two cutlets and pray, pose, pray, pose, pray, pose, pose, pray....

Which messy tabloid favorite who thinks she's a rock-style icon (actually she just married shrewdly) is known for calling journalists in a pill-haze and ratting out her celebrity friends? She has some especially good stories about her famous pals The Shoplifter and also The Godmother Of Her Child. (Ben Widdicombe VIA CDAN)

Is this even considered a blind item?! Who is Crackie Love, Wino Ryder and Drew Barrymore?

Which Oscar winner’s girlfriend won’t let him get to third base? She’s afraid of STDs. (Gatecrasher)

Jamie Foxx or Ernest Borgnine?

Which celeb parents tell their kid coke marks on the table after dinner parties are lines of baking powder used for cookie baking? (3am Girls)

Wait. That's what my mom used to tell me.....My guess is Kerry Katona and her husband? And you're supposed to lick the table after every serving. DUH.

While the breakup of this couple seemed amicable, behind the scenes… not so much. Party 1 blames the other for their career having stalled out while they were together. Party 2 works through friends to warn their ex-mate’s current dates about diseases they may contract through intimate contact. (Blind Gossip)

Vadge & Guy? Or Wonky & Benji?

Friday night at The Grove. Movie theatre is packed to see Obsessed. The lights are down, the movie is about half way, when a cell phone stars ringing. Not vibrating, but ringing. One of those really loud ringing ones for people who like to hear it from a mile away. Everyone is looking around to see who the culprit is. This used to be an A list, Oscar nominated movie actress who now really doesn't work except for keeping her husband glued to her, starts digging through her purse. It is still ringing. She finally gets the phone out of the purse. What would you do if this were you? You would turn it off. Our actress, says, "Hello." And then has a one minute conversation before hanging up. Yeah, I can't wait to see her at the premiere of the next movie her husband does, and get everyone to start talking on their cell phones (CDAN)

Why none other than Tess McGill aka Mrs. Antonio Banderas? TMZ had a clip on their show of Melanie acting a fool while leaving The Grove on Friday. PROOF!

Jennifer Aniston is kissing a real-life man.... who isn't made out of plastic... and isn't wearing a picture of Brad Pitt on his face! And not just any man, but Jason Fucking Bateman! - Lainey Gossip

Do you really want to hurt me with that eyeshadow, Xtina? - Hollywood Tuna

What What In The Butt: Israeli Army Soldier-style - Towleroad

CLOSE THE BORDERS: Heidi and Spencer are basking in the swine flu air in Mexico - Egotastic!

RPattz and Brooke Shields are totally doing it - Popsugar

She-pig is one sexy swine - Best Week Ever

Megan Fox wearing almost every sorority girl's Whore-o-ween costume - Popoholic

Scary Spice indeed and I'm referring to her abs (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Thee BITCH is about to retire - Hollywood Rag

Carol Channing Tatum O'Neal might be in a Twilight movie - Just Jared

Swine flu buzzkill - Cityrag

First there was Maru, the pussy boxer, and now here's WORM CAT! Worm Cat isn't nearly as much of a showboater as Maru, but she still has skills. The owners say that Worm Cat shimmies into the sleeves of their clothes all on her own! She sort of looks like an uncut peen with a pussy face.

Maybe Worm Cat is a huge fan of Yentl and is trying to recreate the poster? Sign her ass up for the remake!

VIA Videogum

It all started out as an ordinary Saturday for the always-sexy Dorothy and Lavern Utley of Waterford Township, Michigan. They set up their booth at a local flea market and placed their 6lb chihuahua, Tinker Bell, on the trailer platform when an evil 70-mph wind swept that bitch up and blew her far away! That little chewy-hoo-ha went flying through the air like a Frisbee! This one of the only times I'd be okay with the government putting cameras on every corner to watch our every move, because this magical and hilarious moment needed to be caught on tape!

The Utleys spent the next two days frantically searching for their beloved Tinker Bell. They were so desperate that they decided to seek the services of a pet SLYCIC. It's hard to believe, but the pet psychic's skills actually worked. She found Tinker Bell in a wooded area about a mile from the flea market. Dorothy said that despite being hongray and dirty, Tinker Bell was absolutely fine. Tinker Bell went wild when she was reunited with her owners. Poor Tink. She probably cried herself to sleep, because she didn't have Dorothy's gorgeous cholita eyebrows to gaze into before bedtime. Tink snuggled next to fallen pine needles pretending they were Dorothy's eyebrows, but it wasn't the same. I'm happy they are all back together.

And somewhere in the world, Parasite Hilton's Tinkerbell is looking up at the sky and thinking, "TAKE ME, WIIIIND...TAKE ME...."

Source: Daily Mail (Thanks Sluttsville)

There's always got to be a drunk ass foul-mouthed bitch at every party and at last night's tribute to Tom Hanks by the Film Society of Lincoln Center, Julia Roberts was that ho. Everyone embrace a fellow drunktardian into our club.

When it was Julia's turn to speak about Tom, she loaded her cannon with fuck bombs and aimed it at the audience. Julia's speech sounds like gorgeous music to my ears: (read it in a slurry, burpy voice) "Alright well, it's late and I'm paying my babysitter overtime and I have to pee. So Tom, everybody fucking likes you. All my bits are gone. Listen, I had lunch today with Rita, and her tits were here [motioned high] and her waist was here [motioned small] and her ass was like that [motioned high], so what can I tell you that's new? Tom Hanks, what the fuck?"

Julia the went on to talk about Tom's illustrous film career, "I love the Cohen brothers, but the hair Tom [in 2004's Ladykillers], I didn't even know what the fuck that movie was about! "You in the airport with the accent (she's talking about Terminal)? It was a pass for me. Airport? Were you just an immigrant lost? I didn't know. I love you, and I didn't know what to do, really. God, I’m wearing the same fucking dress tonight as your publicist! Listen, I've got to get home. But this much we know ... I will say this: Tom Hanks, I love you."

Before falling off the edge of the stage in a drunken stupor, Julia told the audience, "It's so dark out there, I feel like I’m in space. Thank you, whoever just made it light. J.J. Abrams, are you here?"

Julia Roberts is awesome for that. When did Julia Roberts become my auntie giving an impromptu speech about how much she loves her pet ferrett at Thanksgiving dinner after downing a whole box of Franzia? I don't know if that made any sense, because I think I got contact drunk after reading Julia's rant.

You know that after she got home, she crawled into bed with her kids and practically suffocated them with her hot booze bref kisses! She slobbered on them and said, "I luuuuvz youuuz sooo soo mu-uuuch." I used to love when my mom did that.

Seriously, Julia needs to do shit like this more often!

UPDATE: And here's the video!

Here's some of the hos who got to witness Julia's ridiculousness last night.

99.9999% of the meth-faced lot lizards on Cops look fresher and sexier than Pamela Anderson, so what more is there to say? The only way she would look better is if she had a giant F- from the Environmental Health Department stamped on her forehead. Oh, wait. I'm supposed to say something nice. Okay...um...

Well, Pamela's face reminds me of the time I got really boozed up at Christmas on some rancid egg nog. I ended up passing out face first in a puddle of my own vom on the bathroom floor. When I woke up a few hours later with a face covered in egg nog barf, I looked into the mirror and all I could do was laugh to keep from crying. It really was the best Christmas ever, so thanks to Pam for bringing that beautiful memory back. See, that's nice!

Here's a rotten piece of salmon at the opening of a stripper/steakhouse in NYC last night. Yup, she really showed up.