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Alien Princess RiRi is back in Barbados today after spending a quick minute in NYC yesterday and Hawaii on Wednesday. The creature on her head has been with her through every airport security check. Seriously, it's time for RiRi to carefully take that animal off her head, put it back in its cage, give it some pellets to eat and a nest of hay to sleep in. Then she should give it an air kiss goodbye and then close the door. She better do that before some ho snatches it off her head and turns it into the pound.

Besides, Prince already did this hair in the 80s. Let's not go back!

And I shouldn't really talk, because some ho recently told me my hair was looking a little RiRi-ish. Looks like I have a special date with a pair of clippers this weekend!

JLo and Skeletor have proven us all wrong! They were supposed to announce their separation during some kind of weird musical duet at Skeletor's concert on Valentine's Day, but that never went down and they are STILL married. Some whores told Gatecrasher they are trying to make their tortured animal of a marriage work, but there's problems. Skeletor wants to fill the world more zombie babies and JLo wants a career. Don't choke on the "career" part. It's not polite.

One source said, "Jennifer feels like Marc is holding her career back, and she was sick of his social butterfly mentality while she stayed at home with the twins (MK Note: HA! Ask her where exactly the nursery is and you'll get a mean side-eye back). There are times when she’s had it, and close to ending it. She’ll throw down her ring and say, ‘That’s it.’ But when Marc realizes he’s about to lose her, he comes right back to Mommy. She enhances his life — she’s a huge star and good for him, and he does love her. And really, all their fighting makes for some fiery passion in the bedroom.”

The source went on to chirp, “She will never give up the red carpet, and certainly doesn’t want to be barefoot and pregnant, locked down or locked up. She wants to give [1-year-olds Max and Emme] siblings, but she loves the attention of the spotlight. She does not want to be a stay-at-home mom.”

Um, isn't that what nannies are for? You can have it all! When you pop them out, you take a pretty picture with them for People, collect your check, hand them to the nanny and then go back to being a huge star or whatever. JLo knows this!

And Skeletor isn't holding her career back! There's a little disease called Notalent-itis holding her back. Not to mention that other disease she also suffers from called Massiveego-tosis. The only cure is to sit down and stay there.

Here's JLo and the Zombie in Black leaving The Box in NYC last night.

What the hell is Ben Affleck yapping about? This is what he told Esquire, "The best cure for a hangover is something one straight man can't do for another straight man."

Is he talking about getting it in the turdcutter? Because if that cured the drunk ills, I'd put vodka in my Frosted Flakes, vodka in my Top Ramen and vodka in my bath. Days would be filled with vodka and ass sex! Okay, it already is, but it would be so much better without the barfing part (I'm not that kinky).

Maybe he's talking about facials? And if he is, we already know he does that with Matt every Sunday while the wives are at brunch.

VIA Page Six

Dad has several kids, but we’ll focus on two, who are both adults. Offspring A is the A list celebrity everyone knows, who Dad acknowledges as his blood, and who has his name. Offspring B is his illegitimate child, and has a different last name. Offspring B is in the same business as Offspring A, and they have even worked together, but B has always been treated as a second-class citizen. Sadly, Dad has even made several moves to sabotage B’s career. For example, every time B has a project that’s about to be released, Dad pushes Offspring A into the headlines. Now B is struggling a bit, but are Dad and A stepping up to help? No. As usual, B will have to rely on him/herself to find work and pay the bills. (Blind Gossip)

Sasha Fierce and Kelly Rowland? Daddy Knowles can try and sabotage Kelly's career, but he will never prevail! She's doing big things now like hosting that Project Runway knock-off on Bravo. Don't laugh! It's a paying gig (I think).

Unbelievably shocking. It is just an affair. Those things happen everyday, but this one is mind blowing. Married. Child(ren). Academy Award Nominee/Winner. Actress. Permanently B list. Probably won't ever move up or down from that position. She is having an affair with one of her trainers. She has a couple. He comes to her place when her husband is not around. No hotels, no sneaking around. Only at her place. It has been going on for almost 9 months. (CDAN)

Helen Mirren?! That tramp! But my other guess is Melanie Griffith?

This A list actress is more famous for one lucky television role than the truly awful acting she has done in movies. Well, she had a recent breakup. Her publicity machine cranked out every story it could to say she was the one who had done the breaking up with her singer boyfriend. Well, this may be true, but then why would the singer have to change his phone number and e-mail address after she wouldn't stop trying to contact him? When she couldn't reach the singer why would she start calling all of his friends to beg them for his number? What she is telling his friends is that she can't move on without some kind of closure. (CDAN)

Sigh. Aniston, honey, take my hand. We need to go get you some dick.

This older, semi-classic actress has grown such a distaste for American, English-speaking television that she is now watching Spanish TV almost exclusively. She even ordered more channels to give her some variety. She does not speak any Spanish, but that doesn’t seem to bother her a bit. It’s not Betty White. (BuzzFoto)

Lauren Bacall? And I used to do that shit when I was little. I would sit watching novellas for hours and had no idea what they were saying. The catfights left me mesmerized.

Which wholesome TV host shocked partygoers when he pulled out a baggie of Colombia’s finest? (Gatecrasher)

Why would they be shocked to see a bag of coffee beans? My guess is Willard Scott? You know that bitch likes to party.

Gaycrest is obviously trying to suck the hotness out of Miley's glamorous memaw (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

James Franco in those glasses again. I swoon. - Lainey Gossip

Kelly Monaco is stripping in Vegas. Hey, we're in a recession! - Hollywood Tuna

Speaking of, firefighters in Denver are also taking their shit off - Towleroad

Brit Brit and KFed: The Sequel partying in Dallas - Popsugar

Jessica Simpson takes a break from the state fair circuit to relax in Mexico - Just Jared

Can David Copperfield make Jacko's old nose reappear while he's at it? - Hollywood Rag

Vikki Blows is topless for a change - Egotastic!

Mimi's perky unicorn horn - Cityrag

Lunch? Who needs it? Dinner? Not necessary! Stomach?! Let it go! Seriously, if you dare venture into these three pictures below, your stomach will put up a "Vacancy" sign break out of your ass. It will be through with you! Luckily, I managed to grab mine before got out the front door.

I don't know how old these pictures are, but it's of Lady CaCa giving her friend Lady Starlight a pussy examination at a club in NYC. Yeah, it's your typical drunken shit, but this is why the delete button exists on a camera.

Lady Starlight's vagina looks like a wet beaver suffocating in a net, because it's going through some traumatic shit! Lady CaCa's fug mug will make any flower wilt.

I just spent 2 minutes of my life watching this girl climb up the wrong escalator filled with people after some kind of sports game. This shit has to be a metaphor for something, but I'm not sure what. I do know that's how my brain feels 99.99999% of the time.

This happened in Boston a few days ago, but at first I thought it was Nicey Patient Town USA. Nobody screamed at that bitch to turn the dick around and to stop this foolery!! They all just kind of stare at her and slowly let her pass. Maybe they know it's better to not disturb the crazy?

We never know if she made it to the top, but I think she did. In my mind, she came up against the wrong bitch at the top who turned her around like the confused Roomba she is and sent her back down.

VIA Buzzfeed

Demi Moore's head is like powered by Twitter or something. The ho lives, breathes, eats, sexes, farts, queefs, cacas Twitter. Twitter all day and night for Demi Moore. She's like the queen of Twitter, so it makes sense that a lady would cry for help to Demi. Last night, the lady sent that message above to Demi.

Demi immediately re-posted that shit on her own Twitter which made some of her ten million followers call the po po in San Jose. The woman left another message saying "gbye...gonna kill myself now."

The San Jose Police Department said they received a ton of calls from whores all around asking them to look into the possible suicide. The police found the lady and said she had not hurt herself. They took her in to "get evaluated."

After Demi found out the woman was psychically fine, she wrote: “Thanks everyone for reaching out to the San Jose PD i am told they are aware and no need to call anymore. I do not know this woman. I am inspired by the enormous response of humanity here and thank you… It is my understanding that the situation was not a joke and that through the collective efforts here action was taken to provide help!”

SEE! Twitter saves lives. So the next time your kid pesters you about not feeding him for the past four days because you've been too busy with your Twitty friends, just shoo him away and snap, "I'm saving lives here!" Actually, just Twitter it to him. He'll get it eventually. Once he does, he'll completely understand and will shuffle off into the corner to chew on the baseboard for protein.

VIA Access Hollywood

Throw it back into the fucking sea! I never thought I'd ever ever write this, but I'd rather share a McNuggetini with Lady GaGa's droopy cooch than look at this herp-crusted piece of rotten Mahi Mahi. That's how much this wonky skankwhoreslutbitch makes the caca boil up into my throat. It probably tastes better than her toxic chocha juices. And is that a piece of lattice fence she's wearing?! Extreme WHORE Makeover!

On a positive note, at least those glasses cover up her busted wonky eye! However, Geordi La Forge called and said Wonky can keep those things. The CDC already warned him.