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Where are the paparazzi when you really need them, because last night a cracked out lizard tried to slither into a JcPenney party and got SHUT DOWN. That magical moment would been the perfect thing to play at parties especially since Blohan apparently tried to start a massacre and had to be held back by 5 bouncers. Oh, how you know she pulled out of one White Oprah's favorite lines: "Do you know who I am?" They did know who she was and that's why they denied the bitch.

You see, OK! Magazine says that the party was for Charlotte Ronson's new fashion line for JcPenney. The whole Ronson family was there and SamRo specifically told the organizers not to let Hurricane Crackwhore through the doors. Sources say Blohan even knew she wasn't supposed to show up, but like Tommy Girl to a peen, she just couldn't help herself. Shit got so heated after Blohan got a stop sign at the door that she had to be "restrained from coming in by five security guards."

Those five security guards are weak in the brains! You don't even need to touch Blohan to get her to leave. Just walk down to the sidewalk, open up an 8-ball and sprinkle the goodness all over the floor. That cokeyeater would have feverishly sniffed up every last grain long after the party was over.

So I guess this mean that SamRo and Blohan are no longer partners in pussay for now. These two lezzies are like an Ambert Lambert performance. They are so fucking over-the-top!

Here's some pictures from that JcPenney (HA! AGAIN!) shit last night. Maury Povo needs to pay Mark Ronson a little visit, because I still don't believe he's related to any of those turtle people.

Trista and Ryan, the mannequins made in the ABC Bachelorette Factory, had a baby child in Colorado yesterday. Their second baby child is female and they named her Blakesley Grace Sutter. No, I didn't drunk type that shit. They really named her Blakesley. I can't pronounce that shit without spraying my screen with jizz discharge. I'm guessing one of those dumb whores wanted Blake and the other skank really wanted Chelsy, so they married the two together. Those two pieces of boiled turnip probably thought it was so fucking ingenious.

Blakesley sounds like the name of a department store in the Midwest that is known for their extensive collection of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans as well as for their side-eye giving salespeople. It's Trista and Ryan's way of trying to be oh-so-different. Trista, stick to wearing red underwear on Sundays as a way to spice up your boring life and leave your child out of it!

Trista also felt like she should tell Life & Style that Blakesley will be her last child, because she's getting the Essure permanent birth control procedure. Damn! How many coins did Essure drop in Trista's purse to plug their asses? OctoMommy would be proud.

While she's at it, Trista should also get the STFU permanent procedure on her mouth.

Bobby Trendy, the gaysian alien from Planet Faggotry, is really dedicated to his famewhore game. This bitch pulls out all the stops. This ho will crash a Little Miss Pageant and rip some sequined dress out of a tiny girl's hands so that he has a frock glittery enough to work the ho stroll in. And if it's not fancy enough, all he has to do is ass queef on that shit and it's suddenly covered in sparkles. This shit is like a Little Miss Pageant and an S&M party did wrong things together and this was created out of it. A slow-moving tranny train wreck and that tortured dog knows it! Put that pooch at the top of the suicide watch list!

And the original artiste known as Lady CaCa (served with a deep-fried eye roll) with be copying this look in 3...2.....

Harper's Bizarre China didn't want to deal with Cokezilla terrorizing their set, so they just picked up a Blohan doll, took one Polaroid of it, brought that shit up in Photoshop, ran the "cokewhore lookin' for a fix" tool over her eyes for authenticity, added a little chunk, hit PUBLISH and then called it a fucking day. This is a two-second effort if I ever saw one.

I know Zombie Blohan normally doesn't look like she has a pulse, but this shit is just beyond. Putting a picture of a burnt coke rock next to a coughed up cat hairball on the cover would've been a more realistic image of Blohan than this fakery!

VIA ONTD

For the first time in like forever, a bitch other than Robert Englund will play Freddy Krueger in a movie. I know. At first I wanted to crawl into a roach box motel and get crushed by a large shoe, but I actually like the whore who is replacing Robert, so maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I don't know.

New Line announced that Jackie Earle Haley will now be slashing teens up in the the remake/re-telling/re-whoring/re-butchering of Nightmare on Elm Street which comes out April 16, 2010. Some dude named Samuel Bayer is directing and another bitch who goes by the name of Wesley Strick is writing the words. Shooting begins May 5th in Chicago.

Some whores may know Jackie as Kelly in The Bad News Bears. Other whores may know him as Rorschach from Watchmen. But I know Jackie as the creepiest child toucher who ever touched from Little Children. Bitch was so convincing that I felt violated after watching his ass. Jackie probably ended up on some kind of government list for that performance. Because I know Jackie has the ability to make me want to scrub my skin with Ajax, he might pull this off.

VIA Coming Soon

Abel Xavier - I was going through pictures of whatever the other day and hit the motherfucking brake when this hunk of peroxide popped up! Abel is like some soccer player-type from Mozambique (the name of my first born) who used to play for the LA Galaxy, but was let go last year, because Becks obviously didn't want any competition in the hot sex department.

When Xtina sang about a Genie in a Bottle, Abel is the genie she was REALLY talking about. You know, all RiRi (see below) has to do to fix her Morris Day mop is to throw some peroxide over it so that she can look like this beauty. I need some of this!

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