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Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of "important financial documents" screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.

One of Courtney's lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain's estate. Court's lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, "We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We've only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money -- up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures."

Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that'll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court's lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, "When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate's coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly."

SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court's nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko's penis head. Lock it up.

And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!

Before using that title, I should've made sure Tommy Girl and Johnny Travolta didn't copyright that shit. That's the name of their annual summer picnic where Stepford Katie and Kelly Preston battle it out it for the title of Beard of the Year. Kelly always wins. She's got that shit down.

Anygivemeabrushsoicanmakethatbeardsofter, here's Adrien Brody and Keanu Reeves trying to out-beard each other at practice for the Celebrity Gran Prix in Long Beach, CA.

So who has the beardiest beard here? Keanu Reeves' beard looks a little too much like Vadge's sascrotch, so my gorgeous Afghan Hound Adrien Brody gets this one. Adrien looks like he prunes his pubic face bush regularly, because it doesn't climb to his cheeks.

I don't mind my nalgas getting gently exfoliated during a salad tossing, but Keanu's beard would scrape off my ass skin and that's not pleasant.

The marketing person at Burger King who thought to bring Spongebob Squarepants and Sir-Mix-A-Lot together probably had a hit of of the wrong kind of acid before that idea popped up in their head. This commercial was born from that trip! I mean, I thought I was the only one who got a bad case of square ass. It happens when you have to much butt sex, but children don't need to know that! Damn! Now children are going to be running around the streets measuring each other's foam brick asses! Burger King is not right for this.

It's time vote for the third Hot Slut of the Month of 2009. This year is really turning into the quickest hand job ever. Anyway, this month we have a pussy, a crazy, a chef and a van! This shit sounds like game pieces found in a bootleg copy of Monopoly. So....here's your choices:

Uggs - The most ravishing pussy in Exeter, NH!
Alejandra Guzman - The elegant mess of Mexico!
Ina Garten - Chef, author, tastemaker, house flipper, TV star, icon and everything!
The Lost Dharma Van - A van

Voting is in the sidebar to the right. The winning Hot Slut will be crowned on Thursday! Happy voting and use a condom!

Is that a plastic black dick on Robert Pattinson's necklace? Is he trying to tell us something? - Popsugar

Bill O'Reilly cums in his granny panties over a picture of Adam Lambert kissing another dude - Towleroad

Dear Anna Faris, join the Rock of Love Bang Bus already and get it over with! You already have the wardrobe for it! - Hollywood Tuna

Gis, Tom and their fur baby go to the pharmacy in Costa Rica. Probably so Gis can buy her female hormones (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Posh wearing my homemade tie-dyed bleach jeans from the 5th grade - Just Jared

1/10th of a Taylor Swift nipple coming up! - Egotastic!

These tights make Russell Brand's peen look skinny - Lainey Gossip

Baby MiserAlba is mad at sand - Hollywood Rag

Celebrity dickheads - Cityrag

This baby sees the future. She's giving the "Why is this big mound of FAIL holding me?" look. Baby knew Jessica Simpson would fail at something else. So what subject did Jessica get her latest F- in? Why country music, of course! Country Music Tattle Tale noticed that every piece of Jessica Simpson has been erased from her label's website. Both SonyMusicNashville and ColumbiaNashville show no trace of the big-tittied frog.

OK! Magazine used their investigative reporting skills and called the receptionist at Jessica's label who told them she has "come off the label." An official label spokeswhore wouldn't say shit about shit.

I almost feel bad for Jessica, but then I tell myself that she has made a zillion dollars from being a dumb stupid whore.

Bitch is already making tons of cash from her nasty ass line of shoes, perfumes and other stupid shit, so she might as well just skip away. Just let the money make itself! Why bother with that "working" crap?! Who needs it!

Homegirl just needs to put on her eatin' dress and settle back into her La-Z-Boy with a sheet cake and a ten-gallon tub of ice cream from Costco. Seriously, the fat gene is aching to bust out of Jessica, so she should just let it come. She can watch her stories, get really fat and have a fucking fantastic life! Fuck, we would all do that if we could. I'm jealous!

UPDATE: The rumors are true. Jessica Simpson was just "on loan" to Sony Nashville and they don't want her ass anymore.

A few days ago, I saw this video at Buzzfeed and I've been hypnotized ever since. It's pretty fucking simple. The video is of some precious beautiful unicorn twirling his golden mane like a champagne room lapdancer working for that final payment on her Mustang. After watching it once, I needed more so I went to his YouTube channel which is a GOLDMINE of all things beautiful!!

He has video after video of just him in his backyard showing off his long hair in various styles. I think I just walked into a new fetish that will destroy my life and crash my dreams forever. I also think David Lynch is behind this.

The Iron Man 2 set in Pasadena, CA was on fire yesterday when Robert Downey Jr. sashayed FOR HIS LIFE in a pair of sex-me-up heels from Tommy Girl's "Get It Girl" collection. Don't fuck it up, RDJ!

RDJ is looking extra puckery in those heels. They make his nalgas pop and clench. You know he's taking them home with him.

An over-baked (fry and fly) Sienna Miller showed up to JFK last night and created a paparazzi orgy! They busted loads over Sienna! It's not like she's fucking Spaghetti Cat! It's just Sienna.

Some of the paps even brought balloons and flowers to try and woo her. They are trying to way too hard. There's no need to drop any coin to get Sienna's attention. All they had to do was to flash their wedding ring wedding ring at her eyes and Sienna's bull dozer vagina would be wrapped around their peen until they screamed for mercy! For reallies.