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GOOP is not only good for laughs, but if you're really constipated it will bring on the runs in a major way. Fishsticks Patrow's latest ODE TO ME newsletter is all about her fashion picks of the season. Yeah, I can hear your ass rumbling from here. It's ready to barf. Read a piece of this shit:

First of all, I never know what to wear in Los Angeles (are those pajamas??) and inexplicably, I am always freezing here. Having had a good look through the spring collections, I don’t think it’s necessary to make any sweeping changes. They are still selling gladiators that are almost identical to the ones I got last spring and there hasn’t been any major shift in silhouettes. I am going to stick with the classics and update a few simple pieces that are easy to wear.

Don't stick to the classics, stick a fist in your mouth instead, Fishy!

Fishy goes on to show a bunch of ugly and boring shit from a Burberry dress to some stuff from TopShop. She only posted the TopShop shit for the little people. You know she doesn't even pick off her own toejam in that crap. Click here to see all of Fishy's choices.

Fishy also cleaned out her own closet and decided to put some of her throwaways on eBay. The proceeds from the auction will go to The Robin Hood Foundation. Fishy, being the dumbass that she is, fucked up the link to the auction and still hasn't fixed it. Click here to see that shit on eBay.

If you buy any of her crap, make sure you dip that shit in hot water mixed with a strong antibacterial soup before wearing. Pretentiousness might be contagious.

Prayer circle time! Prayer circle time! Make room for the angels and saints, they will be joining us, because The Empress of Lucite is in danger! That monster of a man has whipped her gorgeous ass again! Last December, Shauna Sand's on-and-off-again husband choked and punched at her in front of her children. Romain Chavent was it again this past Monday! I bet you were wondering why the skies were pitch black and filled with tears on Monday (just pretend they were), it was because the most elegant beauty the world has ever seen was in peril!

TMZ delivered the awful news and said the police arrived at Shauna's lucite kingdom on Monday night after Romain attacked her. Shauna said they had an argument which led to Romain biting at her perfect body and shoving her around. Romain was arrested and is currently being held on $50,000 bail.

That piece of shit bastard! I bet he hid all of her exquisite lucite heels, so she would be powerless!

Prezzie Obama, please demand that this beast be put down! He is trying to destroy an international treasure! If lucite forbid, something terrible happens to Shauna, the world would lose all its beauty. Flowers would die. Green grass would turn brown. All kittens would instantly become obese roaches. Every last Mother's Circus Animal Cookie would become a Wheat Thin. Booze would turn into barium liquid . Everything beautiful in this world would become ugly without her. Something must be done!

John Mayer was tinkling on his Twitter today and asked for a wish. John wrote, "It would be fun, just once, to catch the cover of a weekly tabloid and see the headline "John Mayer Nails Solo to 'Wheel!'"

So that prompted OK! Magazine to get on their knees, pull down his chonies and lick that taint by posting John's dream cover on their website. OK! and John will be married next week. OK! will get pregnant the week after. Jennifer Aniston will shoot OK! dead two weeks after that.

But seriously, John is going to print this shit out, frame it and put it right above his toilet.

Which seemingly straight married actor conducts his man-to-man hanky-panky in the hangar of the Santa Monica Airport? (Gatecrasher)

"Seemingly" is the only word throwing me off. But this has Travolta written all over, right? When Johnny and Tommy Girl play Bottom Gun, they like to make it extra authentic.

This frantic actress has been battling her weight, but that’s not the only problem she has. Recently she screeched up to an all night Hollywood drugstore in search of a bottle of Absolut Vodka. She and her mannish girlfriend coaxed the clerk into selling it even though it was close to 2 AM. The clerk handed her the bottle and she grabbed it and took a gulp “I really needed that!” The actress generously handed the guy $50 and also tossed him a joint and a pill she described as a “muscle relaxer." It's not Lindsay. (Janet Charlton via Blind Gossip)

Not Blohan?! This reads like it was written by Blohan herself. Hm. Michelle Rodriguez?

This married B list actress from a longish running network drama has cheated on her celebrity husband three times in the past 12 days. Oh, and it isn't like this was one guy she cheated with three times. Noooo. It was three guys over the past 12 days. It is definitely an interesting way to run a marriage. (CDAN)

Please let it be Katherine HAGEL, and please let her get caught. PLEASE!!!

Another pussy wins! The race for Hot Slut of the Month came down to Uggs and The Dharma Van, but the stunning pussy from New Hampshire pulled off the win! And he did it with grace, style and beauty. Uggs won 35% of the votes! He will now be in the running to succeed Spaghetti Cat as Hot Slut of the Year!

Uggs' owner needs to send this snapshot into Playboy, because this is the kind of pussy we want to see in that magazine. And is it normal that it looks like most of his vital organs are in his titty area?

Thanks to all who voted!

ShamWow Vince vs. The tongue-eating prosty: Now there's some horrifying pictures! Weeee! - TSG

Why is the fugliest Kardashian in Maxim? - Egotastic!

Public Indecency: Twit and Twat rubbing on one another in a Levitz or some place like that - Hollywood Tuna

This is like the plot of a late 80s comedy: Celine Dion is planning to buy a Canadian hockey team - Lainey Gossip

The country's first tranny mayor is getting her own reality show - Towleroad

Lady CaCa's tuck game is improving (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Where's David Duchovny?! - Cityrag

Scott didn't see it coming, did he? - Scandalist

Patti Stranger would just tell Aniston to straighten her hair even more, hike up her tits and act like a dumb bimbo - Popsugar

Josh Duhamel's nipples are happy to see you - Just Jared

Drunktard alert - Hollywood Rag

Kanye West finally got psychical with his MacBook Air and pounded out a response to South Park's claim that he's a gay fish who loves fishdicks in his mouth. Kanye did it in ALL-CAPS too! Wasn't the internet feeling kind of bloated lately? Well, it won't anymore, because it let out a huge fart of relief when Kanye posted his ALL-CAPS rant!

Kanye thought the gay fish shit was funny, but admitted that he did hurt his feelings a bit. Aw, hug his blog and throw a cookie at your monitor. That's kind of sweet.

Kanye also added that he's trying to control his ego. No, no, no, no, no, Kanye! Don't do that. Feed the ego! Grow the ego. If Kanye's ego went away, I'm pretty sure he would shrink down into a discarded peanut shell. A pigeon would come along and accidentally eat him. Then who would write fucked-up blog rants sponsored by Summer's Eve (you're looking at me, aren't you?). I like my Kanye super-ego-sized!

Kelley Coffman-Lee, a vegan and mother, from Colorado was rejected by the DMV after she submitted a request for a vanity license plate that read: ILVTOFU. The DMV employee who received her application, immediately called her up, asked her what she was wearing, what her measurements are and what she's doing later. No, the DMV rejected Kelley, because they said that shit was obscene. But that's not what Kelley meant! She might love fucking you, but she loves tofu more! It's supposed to read: I LOVE TOFU. Yeah, weird, right? Who would brag about that?

Kelley said that she shouldn't have to be censored just because some people might read it as something else, "I love tofu; it doesn't mean anything bad!" The DMV responded, "We have nothing bad to say about her love of tofu. We're concerned about others who may misread the plate."

And I'm kind of concerned that every time I look at a package of tofu, I'm going to think it wants me a sexy way. I mean, it's already squishy. American tofu!

In other news, Brit Brit has announced that her new single will be called I LOVE TOFU.

(Thanks Jesse)

Ed Westwick has made the costumers on the set of Gossip Girl scream, "Why is that fatty fat fat so fucking fat?!" after his fittings. Apparently, Ed is eating too much succulent meat which is causing him to become a founding member of the BBB (Big Beautiful Bass) Club.

A source told InTouch (via MSNBC's The Scoop) that Ed has a little too much junk in his trunk, hood, bumper, fender, headlights, etc... It has become a problem, because the costumers aren't equipped to handle the chunk. The source said, “Ed has been gaining a lot of weight — not just around the waist, but throughout his whole body. First, the costume department had to buy him new, bigger pants. Then, his shirts and jackets got way too snug. The costumers even requested that producers talk to Ed — they don’t want Chuck to be fat!”

Why not?! Whenever I see Chuck Bass, I always think to myself that he would look so much hotter with a giant cream puff or sausage stuffed into his mouth. Come to think of it, everyone on Gossip Girl would look a whole lot more attractive with pastries and shit in their mouths. They should make everyone gain weight! Ratings would sky rocket! I mean, we can already see skinny annoying twinks making out on any other network, but where can see see two honey-baked hams go at it? And don't say Claim Jumpers on a Friday night.

Try to read this quote from Miley Cyrus without thinking of a million "Oh, God" jokes. Please do this, because the FBI has chips in our brains and there might be trouble. Although, I already lost. Here's what 16-year-old Miley said about how her 20-year-old boyfriend brought her closer to God:

"I've never been closer to the Lord since I met him. He's really made me read my Bible. He's made me actually read the stories in the Bible -- not the quick little verses -- that not only help me, but show you how to help other people."

You know, I've never actually read the stories in the Bible either, so maybe Gaston can help me too. Actually, he should teach Bible study class! He can read the stories to us, take off his top, discuss the meaning of life, give us lapdances, sing us hymns, water himself down and join us in prayer! This is what he was meant to do!

VIA UsWeekly