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Kelly Clarkson performed at KIIS-FM's Wango Tango in Los Angeles this weekend looking like crusty Meat Loaf with extra bread crumbs. She's even got a pinch of Cojo in the face. Maybe right before her performance she walked in on Gaycrest waxing his glitter hole and she never fully recovered from that sight. I don't know. But I do know that Kelly needs to pour Adderall dust over those jeans and feed them to Paula Abdul STAT. Those jeans shouldn't have made it out of 1997 alive.

And I'm mad at Kelly right now because that "My Life Would Suck Without Fooood" song has become a regular part of my nightly dreams. That's not the first thing I want to be humming when I wake up in the morning. The first thing I want to be humming on is a.... Okay, I'll stop.

Marty Ingles needs to stop! He's running around telling Page Six that his 75-year-old wife, Shirley Jones, might bare her partridges and prunes in Playboy! Marty, who may or might not have the seniles, said, "She's still drop-dead gorgeous, and at the age of 75, a natural beauty. I'm her husband, and I think it would be sensational. Mature women are relevant."

If Shirley decides to pose in Playboy, she'd be the oldest piece to ever get nekkid in the magazine.

Marty is not right for trying to whore Shirley out to Playboy! Shirley should be making oatmeal cookies for her grandkids, not spreading hers in a magazine! And she'll always be more relevant than 99% of the young twats in Hollywood.

If anybody in that family should be getting all their panties off for a magazine, it should be Marty. You know you want to see his shriveled worm in all its glory. Come on get happy (without Viagra), Marty!

When Bruce Jenner got a facelift 25 years ago, he went from looking like a semi-hot-piece to looking like a Kraft single after being microwaved too long. Bruce blames it on a janky partial facelift and a nose job, so he decided to go back under the knife and fix his face. Bruce's third face will be revealed on that Kardashian shit show this Sunday.

Kim Kardassian blogged about it, "Twenty five years ago, Bruce was ill-advised by a doctor to have a partial facelift and a nose job. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what Bruce had hoped for and for years since then he has been the victim of cruel taunts from the media. Since he's turning 60 in October, Bruce felt it was time to correct the mistakes made by the previous doctor so he went to a new doctor for a second facelift . The results are amazing! Bruce looks better than ever and he is extremely happy with the result."

That's what they all say! Just one more surgery and I'll stop. You know Bruce isn't going to stop. In 10 years, his mouth is going to be where his nose is supposed to be and his eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of his neck. Bitch is going to look like Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway. Actually, he already does.

VIA UsWeekly

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Please tell me it's Felix Cane!

Original Date of HS of the Day: May 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Felix started poppin' her pussay on the pole in 2006 and quickly became one the greatest in dah woooorld. She has won Miss Pole Dance Australia and Miss Pole Dance World.

Where is she now? Felix's pole skills can be seen nightly at Cirque de Soleil's Zumanity show in Las Vegas. The last time I was in Vegas, I was going to go see that show, but some dumb whores kept telling me it fucking sucks! But next time I'm in Vegas, I will definitely be there to witness Felix's pole work.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because if I wasn't a lazy ho who would rather suck pole than dance on it, this is the shit I'd be doing for exercise. Felix almost inspires me. Almost. Below is another clip of Felix making the angels swoon with her skills.

Lenny Kravitz pops that ass! Is that a teddy bear holding a bouquet on one of his cheeks? (NSFWish) - Towleroad

Mensa nipples - Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson at Sea World (insert your Shamu jokes here) - Popsugar

Blair Waldorf's burnt nalgas - Hollywood Tuna

INCESTERY: Madonna and Child to marry? - Hollywood Rag

Sigh. The most elegant couple in the world before all love was lost (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

HEree from The Really Broke Housewives of Atlanta + A famous crackhead = GOLD - FreddyO

Channing Tatum looking like a middle-aged former high school football star who hogs all the nachos on Super Bowl Sunday - Just Jared

Bruno fucks MySpace - Popoholic

Dear Vanessa Hudgens, you look stupid. Oh, but you can't see that because your damn shaggy dog bangs are in the way! - Lainey Gossip

A My Little Pony movie without Pony Parker? WRONG! - Cityrag

And take a quick second from giving your daily afternoon handjob (I know you) to vote again for Dlisted's award at Logo's NewNowNext Awards:

Here is a mostly precious video of a chihuahua and a pussy sharing a beautiful moment together. The two canoodle while giving each other love licks, until the pussy gets a little too close to the chihuahua's private areas and that's when things turn ugly! I know the how the cat feels, this is happens to me all the time.

I suspect that there's some history behind this fight The chooey-hoo-ha has probably stepped out on his cat lovah a few times, so the pussy was trying to pull one of those "smell yo dick (or vag)" moves. The chihuahua was sick of the cat's non-trusting ways, so bitch flipped out! Or maybe the chihuahua is a girl and she was on the rag, so she wasn't down for a little dirty oral fun. Who knows, but there's definitely some tension there!

And the look the cat gives his angry lover at the end is the same look I give whenever someone throws me out of their bed. Hurtful.

VIA Buzzfeed

And you thought only Horsey Montag's songs could make your ears attempt suicide? Well, you better clear the room of any sharp objects, because Spencer Twatt has a new "rap song" under the stage name "The Great White TRASH." This suckery is being used to promote his new reality shit show I'm Not A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! Skat Kat's ass lips rap better than Fleshy McPubestache. I swear. Can we get Suge Knight on this NOW?!

Spencer debuted the song on Ryan Seacrest's KIIS-FM show this morning. If you feel like you need a reason to kick a kitten, click here. I blame Vanilla Ice for this.

Over the weekend at David Foster's concert in Las Vegas, 62-year-old Cher squeezed her vag into a version of her "Turn Back Time" ho outfit from 1992. Ole' girl shimmed her crotch like a pre-op tranny working for his last layaway payment on a sex change surgery. I say, if dignity is not for you and you don't have the inconties, go ahead and bust it.

With all those rhinestones on her body and face, she looks like she was on the receiving end of a Glamberace jizz shot. You know he cums sparklies.

And because my mind is permanently lying in the gutter, do you think Cher Seal-A-Meal-ed her vagina like she did her face?

The couple made in spray tanning grease heaven has quit the love! Katie Price and Peter Andre announced through their management that famewhoring, fake titty balls, Dep Gel and orange caca is not enough to keep them together and they are separating after almost 5 years of marriage. They issued this statement to The Sun:

“Peter Andre and Katie Price are separating after four-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media respect their families’ privacy at this difficult time."

What about Princess Tiamamamaiamiamai? What about Junior? What about the future of ITV2 in the UK? More importantly, WHAT ABOUT HARVEY?! Who the hell is Harvey going to tell off now that Peter Andre isn't around anymore. Harvey is going to scream "FUCK OFF" and Peter won't be there to hear it. That makes my soul cry. Although, Harvey is probably laughing himself into a fart storm, because he's in charge again. That's the way it should be!

And these two famesluts asking for privacy is like me asking for a vagina in a CROC. It doesn't make sense. Publicity stuntery!

She had style, she had flair, she's a SLUT - Gawker

YES PLEASE - ICYDK

Papa Knowles would never stand for this and neither would the glittery gays of YouTube! - SOW

How to stay relevant: Nick Cannon and Eminem are both doing it wrong - Celebitchy

I guessed Steven Tyler - Socialite Life

WHORE PIT VIPER - I'm Not Obsessed

Glamberace is thinking: "Girl, I have that same bra in hot pink!" - Scandalist

Gordon Ramsay dropped 100 fucks in just 40 minutes. Yeah, that's it. Gordy needs to step up his fucks - Holy Moly!