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I could almost feel Kanye West's MacBook Air breaking while reading his latest LOLrant about Twitter. Kanye slapped his peen on the CAPS-LOCK key and went fucking at it. Blink a few hundred times before reading, because it's been a while.

(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts) I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER... WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT... THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN'T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT'S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW .... WHY? ... BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

You know what my favorite part is? It's the beginning part in the parenthesis! It's like he's whispering to all of us before he opens his chest and throws his wrath down on the SQUID BRAINS at Twitter. Kanye is oh-so gentle when he needs to be.

But Gay Fish is totally right. This is some BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT and a FUCKING FARCE! Twitter should devote an entire department to this issue. And Mr. Twitterfucker himself, Ashton Kutcher, should head this project! The Twitter world should not continue to spin until all fradulanet Kanyes have been shut down. BECAUSE HIS CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!! And his ass is fucking CRAZY!

This is the gorgeous Casey Ray. Casey is a hairstylist in St. Louis and the other day she was hanging out behind the Chase Park Plaza Hotel waiting for her fiance to get off of work. While Casey was bringing the sexy to the back alley, she noticed something in the dumpster. I know you're wondering why she was looking in the dumpster. My guess is that she was searching for another dead animal to put on her head. I'm joking. She's what beauty is about. ANYWAY, in the dumpster she found a script for the Twilight sequel (all together now: WHERE IT BELONGS). Casey couldn't believe her beautiful eyes!

Casey told Fox News, "When I opened it up and saw the character names: Charlie, Bella, Edward, I was just like, this can't possibly be what I know it to be." After calling her lawyer, Casey decided to turn the script in to Summit, the production company. When she contacted them, they were so touched by her goodwill that they offered her tickets to the premiere as well as an autographed copy of the script by the entire cast.

If you happen to be at the premiere, you better stand back, because once Robert Pattinson lays his eyes on Casey, the world will explode. Hundreds of unicorns will fly out of his magical forest hair and slide down her peroxide rainbow. It will be love. It will be magical. It will be hairy.

Since we're sort of on the subject of gorgeous reverse mullets, here's Casey's hair twin, Kate Gosselin, at Target near her house the other day.

Debbie Gibson finally found the crown jewel in her illustrious career! Debbie is the star of the direct-to-DVD masterpiece Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus!

This cinematic wonder is brought to you by the director of The Mary Kay Letourneau Story, Wild Things 2 and La Cucaracha, so you know it's in fine hands. AND Lorenzo "I've Licked Shauna Sand's Elegant Lucite Pearl" Lamas is also in it! Slap your taint, because this isn't a dream. It's real life!

And you know the shark has this. I mean, he eats the Golden Gate bridge and shit. I already can't wait for the sequel: Mega Shark vs. Vadge's Roidy-Cooze.

VIA SAYOR

When Oprah offered a free grilled chicken lunch for one day only, the site went down in a quick minute. All signs point to KFed, because he was probably refreshing and printing like crazy! Homeboy needs to get as much free chicken as he can since he's basically running out of cash. How does Brit Brit expect a stoner like KFed to get in his 50,000 calories a day on only $40k a month?! Triflin'!

A source tells the National Enquirer (via MSNBC) that KFed gets $40k a month including $20k for the Cheetolings, but it's still not enough for him. KFed is pouring BBQ sauce over that money and devouring it up! Both figuratively and literally! The source went on to say, “Kevin has blown through millions of dollars. When he and Britney divorced, Kevin continued the superstar lifestyle, and he spends all the money that he gets. Kevin can't afford the rent, his help, the food and the booze it takes to keep up his home."

Daddy Spears better open up Brit's wallet and pay up, because when KFed gets the hongaries in a serious way, there's no telling what he's going to do! One of the Cheetolings could accidentally spill hot sauce on his shirt and GULP. Gone within seconds.

Here's KFed and his piece terrorizing the streets of Vancouver yesterday. "I want mo monies and pie!"

Please Xenu let this shit be real. Blind Gossip posted 3 items today and they all smell like barley water. If this is the truth, homegirl better hope the force is with her, because this shit might get dirty. At least, I hope. Here's the three items:

He’s been served! She has finally pulled the chip out of her head and has served her controlling hubby with divorce papers! And boy, is he mad!

She will file on the grounds of “Irreconcilable Differences”. The other choice would have required them to go to court, and would have just reflected poorly on both of them. Her attorneys - especially one who worked with her predecessor - have been able to work around most of the restrictions in her original pre-nuptial agreement. She did not fulfill the terms of the contract that would maximize her payout, but she will receive a sizeable chunk of change to keep quiet about his personal life and his special relationship with another high-profile man.

She had him served with documents for a “Dissolution of Contract,” not “Dissolution of Marriage”. There is no court filing yet - that’s the next step. She will be asking for sole custody of the kid/s. She is not currently pregnant.

And now for some non-alien blind items:

Which buxom B-list pinup only helps out charities that ply her with cocaine? (Gatecrasher)

Pamela Anderson? And here I was thinking meth was her poison. Also, I wonder if Peta is looking for volunteers.....

We have a B-/C+ television and film actress who is currently a female lead on this network drama. It's a new show. Popular though. Anyway, her male co-star is extremely popular on this site, but he is also probably a B-/C+ mostly television actor. Apparently our actress has been acting like a diva on the show and our actor called her out on it. This is an actual quote. " You are a fucking cunt. Who the hell do you think you are that you can treat people the way you do on set. The crew hates you the cast hates you and the producers hate you and this is no way to build any kind of career, so knock it off you fucking whore." Oh, and both of our actors are foreign born. (CDAN)

Joshua Jackson and Anna Torv from Fringe?

The Seven-Inch Camel Toe: CoCo as Marilyn Monroe - Hollywood Tuna

Just another example of Danny Chokey's suckery - Towleroad

I didn't know Hello Kitty made dunce caps - Hollywood Rag

Eva Longwhoria is a natural beauty - Just Jared

R. Kelly's Looney Tunes bar. You know, because the kids love it - Idolator

Food stamp prostitute alert! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

RiRi is a silly ho for recording some shit with Lady CaCa - Popsugar

HoHan's fashion twin leaves LA - Lainey Gossip

Vadge switches teams - Cityrag

Jessica Biel's straight-to-DVD titties in action - Egotastic!

Out of all the glittery gays who have channeled Sasha Fierce on YouTube, this ho is my hands-down motherfucking favorite! This bitch right here is going for the GOLD. Watch him as he sweeps the floor with his chichis and picks up crumbs with his fupa. Hold on to your seat, because when he does the body roll, he will knock you right off!

When this was being filmed, Solange could feel the rumbling down in her basement and knew greatness was at WORK. Butter it up and get it!

VIA Crunk + Disorderly

There's been a lot of tittay and pussay on this site lately, so now I finally, finally, FINALLY have some dick for you courtesy of Dolph Lundgren! Don't act like you haven't been praying for this moment ever since laying eyes on his Swedish ass in the He-Man movie.

Tabloid Prodigy got a pic of Dolph with his little Orko out on the Mexican Rivera. Obviously, his little peen friend wasn't ready for its close-up. It's shy! That being said, I'd still dip that shit in lingonberry jam and hit it. Enough of this teasing, the peen is after the jump. But let me warn you that you might get a craving for a mini-pig-in-a-blanket with extra cheese, so be aware of that. JUMP!!!

When Boy George strolled out of the butt sex factory that is prison yesterday, bitch didn't have any eyebrows!!!! I was mad at his ass, because you should never walk out the door without your eyebrows on. Well, you also shouldn't walk out with hair on your b-hole, but the eyebrow thing is more important!

Boy could've made eyebrows happen by wiping another inmate's dirty sanchez above his eyes or something! Where there's a will, there's a way! Ask any cholita.

Thankfully, the minute Boy got home he took a purple Sharpie to that shit. Excuse his beauty! Boy is now ready to take on the world again. Hopefully, that doesn't involve whoopin' hookahs.