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Mega manwhore Gerard Butler whooped a pap in the mouth and now he's being charged for it. Last October, Gerry was leaving the premiere party for his movie RockNRolla when a pap got in his face. Gerry handled the situation by fisting the dude in the mouth three or four times (I know you just came). TMZ has a picture of the pap's face after getting a dose of Gerry. Not bad. Just looks like something found on Lisa Rinna's crotch.

The L.A. City Attorney's office filed a criminal charge against him yesterday. Gerry's sexy ass has to slither into court on June 10th. If convicted, he could get up to 6 months in the chokey.

Gerry in jail?! Gerry in tight quarters with a bunch of sweaty menses?! 24/7 webcam series alert! For serious! This needs to be documented. Thousands of genitals are depending on it!

If Gerry goes to jail, the crime rate is going to hit the sky! Whores are going to do whatever it takes to get thrown into the clink just so they can accidentally drop the soap on Gerry's peen. And by "soap" I mean "ass."

Someone must have fed Janice Dickinson vodka after sundown yesterday, because she went on a rampage outside of Nobu! Janice unleashed her claws at the pappies after one said she was a "distraction." Janice meant to do some major damage, because she flashed her Janey's Got A Gun nalgas at them. Lenses shattered!

Not only did drunk ass Janice have to worry about keeping her drunk barfs at bay, but she also had to make sure the pappies weren't getting pictures of her cougar chocha. Janice should know better by now and put a collar on it.

As much as I love seeing Janice acting like this, she really needs to save her rage for the jungle. Janice is leaving for Costa Rica soon to film that I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here with Heidi and Spencer. I fully expect Janice to release her wrath on both of them until they are nothing but a puddle of liquid plastic on the ground. Then Janice will inject them into her lips (both sets, because that's how she does it).

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

The mystery surrounding Kate Gosselin's hair has been revealed. Sort of. No, it wasn't revealed on the season finale of Lost last night (although, I think it made a cameo). Kate told Entertainment Weekly all about it.

When asked about sophisticated reverse-mullet, Kate said, "It's my attitude! Everybody wants it. It's work. I have very, very thick hair, so it's not going to work for everybody. I've seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it's just won't work. My hair stylist gets calls from all across the country."

Um. Little does Kate know that they are actually calling and begging for her hair stylist to chop off his (or her?) own fingers, so this fuggetry can end! Actually, that wouldn't really stop Kate, because her hair stylist could still cut her hair with his feet and it would end up looking the same. And who is this "everybody" Kate is talking about? If by "everybody" she means every piece of roadkill, then I stand corrected!

And if you want Kate's hair, it's not hard to get! Just pour pig's blood over your head, wander out into the middle of the forest and wait. It won't take long before a pack of wild coyotes start attacking your head. After a few minutes, fight them off and you'll walk out of the forest looking just like a Gosselin!

Baby Jesus' father, God, has told Brazil's Who Magazine (via Gatecrasher) that the rumors about his son marrying Madonna are true. I'm not even a practicing Catholic anymore, but I feel like I need to pray for the fuckery I read in that last sentence. SANTO DIOS! Hand me a rosary and light a candle! Get my veil too! The lace one!

God said that they will "marry" in a Kabbalah ceremony in New York. Since it's not going to be a real marriage, he's not sure if it's legally binding or not. The magazine also asked God about the rumors that Madonna was making Baby Jesus take ESL lessons, but he says that's all just lies. God chirped, "Jesus already spoke English very well before he knew Madonna! I've spoken by phone with Madonna - in French, because my English is not fluent - and she appears to me to be a normal and polite person. She is feminine. I don't feel she is a harsh person."

If you swallowed your tongue after reading the "feminine" part, you're not alone. I've been trying to pull my tongue out of my throat ever since I read that. Madonna is about as feminine as a T-Rex's dick.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this Kabbalah ceremony thing. Methinks Vadge is up to something. This isn't a commitment ceremony, this is a de-nutsack ceremony! And while she's in there, she's going to take his peen's hoody too! Because if you're going to be knocking it with Madonna long-term, you gotta leave your ballies at the door.

Wet dreams realized: Matthew Fox & Jimmy Kimmel take a shower together - Towleroad

Mensa nalgas - Egotastic!

Cindy Crawford is making that money - Hollywood Tuna

A limp piece of broccoli playing softball - Popsugar

More evidence that Jacko has turned into a ghost - Hollywood Rag

Gayken and his lil' Claymate - Just Jared

Posh with her $10 gazillion bag that is only holding suppositories and corn removers - Lainey Gossip

This is art: Trollsen in a wig looking like she's conjuring up the spirits - Socialite Life

Look at this fucking idiot (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Harvey Price is perfect for the job! - Holy Moly!

Kittehs vs. Technology - Cityrag

Triple the skankness - ICYDK

Hugh Jackman's daughter is turning it out fashion-wise - SOW

Eminem is a fan of Dr. Bonner's! It's the stuff you can clean your ass with and brush your teeth with! Magic! - I'm Not Obsessed

Bette Midler wants Jennifer Aniston to get a man on JDate. It's come to THAT - Celebitchy

This is the first trailer for Nine and it kind of has me feeling tingly for a couple of reasons. First, this shit has always been one of my favorite musicals ever and second, Daniel Day-Lewis DANCES! When I watched There Will Be Blood, I immediately thought to myself that it would be so much better if he was singing and dancing around the whole time. I mean, a musical number called "I Drink the Milkshake" would have been spectacular. Since that didn't happen, this is the next best thing.

Nine also stars a bunch of chicks who belong in this movie like Sophia Loren, Marion Cotillard, Penny Cruz and Judi Dench. There's also some hos (point at Fergie & Kate Hudson) who must have licked the right taint to get cast. When they hit the screen, that's when I hit the toilet! As for Nicole Kidman, the jury is still out on that bitch. I can't tell from the trailer if she moves her face or not. If she's able to frown even a bit, they should give her every award imaginable. That's a major feat in itself!

John Mayer really does have the perfect lines for picking up pussy. Jesse James (not the creepy hot piece married to Sandra Bullock, but some pop singer wannabe with dusty eyebrows) told WFAN Sports Radio (via Page Six) that she met John at some bar in Manhattan. John immediately zeroed in on Jesse and invited her and some other hos back to where the magic dies, his apartment.

Jesse said, "We were all hanging out and everyone started to gradually leave. It was just he and I at this point. I told him, 'I need some taxi money, I'm gonna go home now.'" Taxi money?! Jesse totally graduated from the School of Class and Tact, right? With honors! The last time I asked a fuck friend for money, I suddenly found myself on the street without taxi money and without my pants. Um. Earth to fucking Jesse! Every skilled ho knows you have to get the cash from his wallet while he's taking a piss. Stupid amateur!

Anyway, Jesse gave John his number and he used it liberally, "He texted me throughout the entire night while I was at the hotel room, leaving messages like, 'Let me tuck you in. I want to see you.'"

"Let me tuck you in" is doucheanese for "I want to ass-to-mouth you", right? And you know Jesse totally let him.

My sister is graduating from USAH (University of Skank Ass Hos) today, so I will be away for just a few hours while I watch a bunch of people walking in muumuus. I am so proud, but graduations are always so damn boring! They could at least add a few go-go dancers and an open bar for some excitement. Or maybe have them throw dildos up in the air instead of caps. Something!

Also, my mommy is in town, so I'll be on half-day mode today and tomorrow. I know, I really am a good-for-nothing tramp, but I have to paint the town fuchsia with my mama je'e. And I have my work cut out for me. Homegirl has gone all organic. She eats raw kale and drinks distilled room-temperature water. Last night at dinner, she ate her salad after her meal, because she said it's good for the digestive system. Don't say GOOP. I can't admit that yet. There's still hope. During her visit we will go from the bar to Taco Bell to the bar to McDonald's to the bar to Arby's to the bar to Dunkin' Donuts to the bar, etc...etc...etc...

Anyway, while I'm away, Beth Ditto will keep you warm. Here she is with her Garbage Pail Kid friends out in London last night.

That's what Kate Gosselin's brother, Kevin, told RadarOnline. Don't you adore siblings? They are good for all sorts of things including selling your ass out to the media. Although, Kate is probably behind this, because I am under the impression that she's behind everything! She's a cunt mastermind. Kate promised Kevin that if he made that claim, her hair would stop pecking at him during Thanksgiving dinner.

In a video interview, Kevin said Kate told Jon that their marriage is dead. Just like his nutsack! Kevin says Kate is only keeping up the charade for the sake of their reality show. Kate is hoping that with all this press she'll land her own talk show. Kevin adds, "Their family is in shambles." Just like her hair!

Kevin's hewife, Jodi, also chirped in, "The show is not reality, and has not been for a long time. This is a train wreck." TRAIN WRECK?! You know what's a train wreck? Jodi's overall look! Peep at this bitch. That's a dood. Don't get me started on Kevin. Or that fugly vase in the background. Don't. Get. Me. Started.

Kevin didn't talk about the rumors that Kate is sexing up her bodyguard (the grey fox in the picture above), but Kate herself continues to deny it. I kind of believe the rumor. Look at that dude's face. That's the face of a man who has seen things that cannot be UNSEEN.

Image: INFDaily.com