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Stick a taser gun up my ass, because I think it's about to go crazy at the thought of Adrien Brody being back on the market! Star Magazine (via Celebitchy) says that Adrien's SLUT girlfriend of two years, Elsa Pataky, left his precious Afghan Hound heart broken after she quit him for Olivier Martinez. I'm not posting Elsa's picture here, because I don't want that skank tramp defacing this site with her whore bag mug!

A source tells the magazine that Elsa wasn't ready to settle down, so Adrien, being the caring soul that he is, released her back into the world hoping that one day she would fly back into his heart. But instead that low-rent trollop flew right into Olivier Martinez's buttery skin baguette and she's been down there ever since. The source said that Elsa and Olivier are even hunting for a whore den to share in Paris.

I just knew there was something off about that skank Elsa! Tacky Pataky is what she should go by from now. How dare that harlot do that to my gorgeous Adrien? After all he's done for her! Adrien needs comforting, doesn't he? Come here, Adrien. Nuzzle your succulent nose in my no-no. It will be safe there. Well, not really, because I had Mexican for lunch. SUCIO! There I go again.

But seriously, Tacky Pataky better watch it! If I ever see her big ass whore face around these parts, I'm gonna finally put those razors I keep in my hair (chola's secret) to good use. THAT BITCH!

While reading this shit about Criss Angel from Page Six, it took me a little while to realize they were talking about an actual cat that goes meow and not about a vagina. I mean, look at the first few lines:

MAGICIAN Criss Angel is accused of stealing Jeff Beacher's cat. And Beacher, the midget-loving impresario behind Beacher's Madhouse revue, is threatening to sue to get his pussy back.

I mean, who steals a cat?! I guess that royal douchebag Criss Angel does. Jeff claims that when his father passed away, he inherited the family cat they call "Hamlet." Jeff was living at the Hard Rock Hotel at the time, so he asked his friend to care for Hamlet until he moved out. A little while later, Jeff's phone rang and there was a dirty tampon on the other end of the line. It was Criss who told Jeff, "I took your cat. He lives with me now. The cat no longer likes you and The cat and I have become close friends."

What in the fuckity fuck?! Who wrote that line for Criss? Christopher Guest?! Criss needs to stick his whole fist up his ass (rings included). What an asshole! Hamlet probably thinks Criss' hair is his long-lost mommy, so he's totally being tricked!

Jeff is planning to sue Criss for pussy thievery if he doesn't return Hamlet.

You know, Kate Gosselin should also file a lawsuit against Criss for stealing her signature dead beaver coif.

Wonky McValtrex's neighbors are not happy with her. And not because her crotch crustaceans keep digging up their gardens. No, they aren't pleased, because of all the noise that skankwhorecunt is making. Early this morning, Wonky's neighbors called the cops, because Wonky and her latest piece, Dough Reinhardt, were fighting so loud that their screeches could be heard from the street. Maybe they weren't fighting. Doug probably makes that sound whenever he sticks it into her toxic waste dump without a Hazmat-made condom on.

When the cops arrived at her house, nobody would open the front gates for them, so they had to hop the fence. They talked to Wonky and after they left, the loud arguing stopped.

TMZ says that Wonky wasn't fighting with Doug. The screams came from her own slut mouth after she received a call that Tinkerbell had been run over and killed on Mullholland Drive. Wonky started screaming like Danny Gokey with a lighter up his ass. The call turned out to be a prank.

Beat me with a string of wet anal beads, because this is such lies. Like that dumb whore cares about her dogs! If Wonky found out one of her dogs died, she wouldn't be crying. She would just go out and buy a new one. Besides, I haven't seen Tinky in eons. I'm sure Tinkerbell already staged her death a long ass time ago and she's airing our her herp warts (a souvenir from Wonky) on the beaches of France right now.

AHAHAHAHAAA! UsWeekly compared pictures of Kate Gosselin right after she popped out a litter of babies and a picture of her recently. According to Us, Kate got the plastic surgery WORKS including a tummy tuck. But why bother with that nonsense, when there's a more pressing matter at hand. Yeah, she looked a little Susan Boyle-ish in the face back then, but her hair. HER HAIR! Back then she looked like a lonely cat lady who braids her pubic hair and is the pen pal of several serial killers.. And now, she looks like a Tool Academy drop-out.

So I don't really know which hair is sexier (barf). I'm going to say that her hair before brings the sex, because the wave and fall is what early 90s Midwestern glamour was all about.

XEEEEEEENU! Suri's already got the Wino slippers. Now all she needs is the barleyhive to complete the look! - Popsugar

Mimi's shoulders are cold, but her chichis aren't - Hollywood Tuna

Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace meant for this to happen - Egotastic!

I didn't know Linda Hogan joined Kajagoogoo! Those pigtails look presh on her - Towleroad

Dear Christian Bale, if you don't shave those face pubies off, you and me are fucking done professionally! - Lainey Gossip

Aishwarya Rai is pretty fucking perfect-looking - Just Jared

Ho parade (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Who sort-of bit the dust (maybe) on Grey's Anatomy last night? - Celebitchy

In related news, White Oprah was seen buying a baseball cap and bandanna - Socialite Life

The drunk bitch hair trick - Cityrag

HA! - Holy Moly

Life is so hard for Lily Allen - I'm Not Obsessed

A shit load of blind items courtesy of Paula Froelich - HuffPo

Holly Madison is going from one ho show to another - Hollywood Rag

What's sad is that Lisa Rinna's lips still look like they leak anal fluid - ICYDK

The Cannes Film Festival can now officially officially start now that the world's premiere seat filler has arrived! A couple of days ago, self-proclaimed Hot Babe of the Millennium, Phoebe Price, flew into Cannes to fill the fuck out of empty seats! And I think she flew into a flock of crows on her way there.

And yes, that is PP's mother holding the umbrella like she's Farnsworth Bentley. PP's mama je'e' has to hold the umbrella! If the sun hits PP's cutlets for too long, she'll turn into Chicken Parmesan! Besides, do you really expect her to pose FOR HER LIFE with an umbrella in her hand?

The sun is shining on Bronx Mowgli, because if this shit is true, he might not have the worst name in the Wentz-Simpson family for long! Star Magazine (via Ace Showbiz) is saying that Asshole Simpson is knocked up with her second babeh. Don't ask me how Ass and Pete continue to make babies together, because there's no way he has ever put his penis into her vagina. Every time he tries, he probably giggles so hard that he goes pee pee. And unless you're Kim Kardashian, piss on the pussay is a total mood killer.

Some source said that the new emofetus has only been marinating in there for a few weeks. Ass is apparently thrilled, because she thinks she will give birth to a magical Band-Aid that will fix her shitty marriage. The source went on, "She loves Pete and wants to hang on to him. She believes this second baby will really clinch the deal. He (Pete) thinks a second kid could change things for the worse. He doesn't want to be tied down and stuck at home all the time."

Everyone knows babies fix fucked up marriages! Their diarrhea is like glue! And their neverending screeches in the night is like a romantic lullaby that will make your husband fall in love with you all over again.

But who cares about that? I just care about the name! I hope they stick with the same theme.... I'm thinking Staten Island Baloo? New Jersey Turnpike Kaa? Queensborough Bridge King Louie? Or maybe Papa Joe will step up his baby whoring game and go for something like People Magazine Gerber Wentz-Simpson?

Here's the two prime candidates for sterilization at a T-Mobile event last night.

The strangest couple since spaghetti and honey (I knew a bitch who ate that barfness regularly) is still doing the sexies with each other. Page Six says that Sean Penn and Natalie Portman have been flaunting the fuckery all over Los Angeles for a couple of weeks now. I mean.....really? What is wrong with these hos? Didn't I already tell Natalie to hit the Penn peen once and then move on? Sean Penn is the type of bitch who is only good for a one-time fuck and that's it. Ride the nose, slap the dick and then jump away. I guess they don't teach Dickmatization 101 at Harvard.

Since Natalie is going to be spending more time in Los Angeles, she bought a $3.25 million "gothic" mansion in Los Feliz. Her new house is 4,866 square feet and has two guesthouses, a pool and a courtyard.

Um. Does this shit also have a free clinic in there, because Natalie is going to need one if she keeps jumping the Penn peen on a regular basis.

Paulina Porizkova was fired from America's Next Top MySpace Model on her birfday (Happy Birfdays!) and was told she had an ego problem. Paulina, who has never been afraid to get extra cunty, told Billy Bush that Ty Ty Baby is a vainglorious monster! Yeah, in other shocking news, that thing on Ty Ty's head had a previous life as an Afghan Hound.

Paulina told Billy that her main problem was that she would be sitting around, eating her toe nails, waiting for her majesty to show up, “It’s six hours later and I feel like I am being told my time is not as valuable as hers. They pointed out that I should shut up and be grateful for the job and that Tyra is really busy. I think that my little hissy fits about ‘Well, we are all here on time. Why can’t she?’ didn’t go over all that well."

When asked if she thinks Ty Ty just can't stand another vagina on the panel, Paulina said her firing had nothing to do with that, “I don’t think that in Tyra’s universe that’s even a consideration. I don’t think she cares. I’m not even sure she was aware that I existed way out there in Siberia, much like I am not sure she knew Twiggy existed.”

And Paulina said she doesn't even know what kind of person Ty Ty is in real life, because they only talked on camera, “All I know of her is literally when we are on set talking to each other in front of the cameras. That is the only time she would speak to me.”

In Ty Ty's defense, it's impossible for her to do anything off camera. No, it's scientifically impossible. If a camera's not on her, she goes to sleep and a screensaver pops (a picture of her, of course). Ty Ty is powered by the cameras! That's her only energy source! So Paulina shouldn't judge her for that!

Paulina should also sleep with two eyes open and a bottle of make-up remover under her pillow (her only defense against Ty Ty), because bitch is going to get it.

A Spanish study shows that there's cocaine in the air in Madrid and Barcelona. For those of you that didn't bust into a kayak and start paddling your ass across the Atlantic ocean upon hearing this news, I will go on.

According to MSNBC, scientists found traces of amphetamines, opiates, cannabinoids and lysergic acid (street name: The Wino Breakfast) at two air quality control stations in each city. It's no shock that the amount of cokey in the air grows thicker on the weekends.

The science bitches also did studies in other European cities, but Barcelona and Madrid came out on top. In Madrid, they found around 850 picograms of Blohan dust per cubic meter of air. In Rome, they only found 100 picograms per cubic meter.

Unfortunately, one scientist said the amount of bad shit in the air isn't enough to get you rolling, "Not even if we lived for a thousand years would we consume the equivalent of a dose of cocaine by breathing this air." Thanks for ruining my day, scientist man.

But you know that's still not going to stop Wino, Pete Doherty and Blohan from flying their asses over to Barcelona for some "fresh air." If you see their crackie asses feverishly snorting up the air in Spain, you know why.

You know, the last time I was in Spain, I found myself dancing to absolutely anything. This explains it.

Image via ICHC (Thanks David)