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The greatest news of all-time was announced today in NYC! Cynthia Nixon told the crowd at the Love, Peace and Marriage Equality rally that she is officially becoming Mrs. Rojo Caliente!!!! REJOICE!!!!!!! May a million gayelle angels sing!

According to Access Hollywood, Cynthia said she got engaged to Rojo Caliente last month!!!!! Seriously, my heart actually beat when I heard the news and I can't remember the last time that happened! My heart cares! I could hug a strap-on! I could kiss a power tool! I could canoodle with a pair of Bugle Boy khakis (pleated, of course)! I could dance with a Home Depot card! I could skip hand-in-hand with a flannel shirt through a field of red ferns! This is the news I've been waiting to hear. Seriously, today should be declared an International holiday! As should the day they got engaged. As should the day they get married!

Rojo is going to make the most beautifulest bride in history!

Lord of the Douchebags, John Mayer, left a club in Los Angeles last night with his t-shirt and face covered in lipstick kisses. John joked that he really scored. Yeah, I wouldn't consider going into the bathroom, putting lipstick on your mouth and then kissing your t-shirt all over as "scoring." And because John didn't bring enough dick-baggery to the streets of L.A., he broke out his Jacko moves.

Bitch looked more like Bubbles after having too much Jesus Juice. John really shouldn't have done that, because bitch was upstaged by some ho drunk ass ho in grey! John knew she was taking his sunshine, because he didn't even acknowledge her triflin' ass. The night belonged to HER! Skip to the 0:38 mark in the video below to witness her shameless fuckery:

Kate & The Bodyguard (who she may or may not be doing gross stuff with) and her 8 kiddies dropped into a Party City near their home yesterday to buy a bunch of decorations for some kind of party. I'm guessing Kate threw a "Ding Dong The Jon Is Gone" party.

And I know you're wondering why Kate needs a bodyguard in the first place, but it makes sense to me. Thinks about the dozens of squirrels that try to make Kate's hair their new nest. Kate probably can't take more than two steps outside of her front door without a squirrel hanging a "Home Sweet Home" sign in her hair. The bodyguard is there to protect her from the SQUIRRELS (while he's hitting her squirrel, of course)!!!!

You know, one of my life mottos is "You're never too old to peddle that pussay," but Pamela Anderson is doing it wrong. Someone Fabreeze her ass down, because the desperation wafting off of her is starting to reek! AND those eyebrows. I cannot condone that kind of fuggery. It looks like she painted them on with a BIC and not a Sharpie. How dreadful! Somebody give her a caramel square and a cup of Sleepytime tea.

At least Pamela Anderson flashed her moth-eaten crotch for a good cause. Pammy was one of the guests at last night's Life Ball, an annual AIDS charity event in Vienna.

Katy Perry, Sister Sledge, Eva Longwhoria (FOR WHY?!!!!), Fran Drescher, Bill Clinton, Richie Rich and Amanda Lepore also mingled among the rainbow-covered unicorns. Put on your sunglasses before you look at these pictures or else you might get glitter in your eyes.

Martin Scorcese is about to begin work on a splashy big-budget biopic of Frank Sinatra's life and every ho on this planet is willing to lick some nut in order to play Ol' Blue Eyes himself. Seriously, don't act like you haven't already e-mailed Martin Scorcese a YouTube clip of you wearing some broke ass fedora while singing "Strangers in the Night."

Everybody thinks Martin is going to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as Sinatra, because he can't take a doody without Leo in the room. But a source told Page Six that it doesn't seem likely, because Leo looks nothing like Sinatra. According to the source, Marty has narrowed it down to a few names including Johnny Depp and James Franco. Other hos in consideration are Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Connick Jr. , Jon Hamm Michael Buble, Marky Mark and Justin Timberdouche. YES, Justin Timberdouche! Can I get an extra-large order of WTF?!

I mean, Justin is a big dick, so maybe he can play Sinatra's famously large peen, but that's it! If Martin casts Justin as Sinatra, it's time to shut down the movie-making business forever. The butchery has to end sometime! We can entertain ourselves with shadow puppets around the campfire.

And if Martin is really considering that dick bag Justin, he should give this versatile actor a shot first. STAINS will work for cupcakes!

Sakis Rouvas - The winner of the tranny EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA that is Eurovision was crowned last night, and unfortunately it wasn't Sakis Rouvas from Greece. No, some Hairy Potter-type with furry brows from Norway won. But Sakis' ode to everything glittery deserved at least a handjob for a job well gayed. Seriously, Sakis' whole number looks like it accidentally fell out of Glamberace's sparkle hole. Sakis has been called "The Ricky Martin of Greece," but this hot piece makes Ricky Martin look like Chuck Norris. Experience the fructose-ness for yourself below:

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Jordan Knight (39)
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