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When purdy purdy Zac Efron decided he wasn't going to flutter and flounce in the musical remake of Footloose, Chace Crawford's precious name came up. Well, now it's been confirmed. The Hollywood Reporter says it's all official and Chace will fly around like a fragile butterfly in Footloose which doesn't start filming until March 2010. Gross.

I have nothing against Chace. I mean, I'm sure that when he scoots his ass against the tile floor, he leaves a trail of glitter jelly, but he is not the one! I'd much rather see him in a porn version called Fistloose.

But in Chace's defense, there's only one bitch who can play Ren McCormack and that's Kevin Bacon! Why couldn't Paramount throw him a bone in the form of a check. Kevin needs one! Remember a few months ago when he was begging for a job. This is the job! Kevin can still squeeze into his old dad jeans and leap better than whores half of his age. JAZZ HANDS: Kevin Bacon will always do them right!

Hugh Jackmeoff is an upstanding citizen of the world! While taking a walk with his grey beard of a wife and his children, Hugh bent over a (a position he is one with) to pick up a little butt nugget left by his heavenly puppy friend. It's nice to know that Hugh isn't above getting a little ass junk on his hands. If I had his fortune, I'd pay Kim Zolciak to do it, because you know that trick needs the extra kibble money for her wig.

And could that puppy be anymore adorable? I just want to hug him into he explodes into a cloud of rainbow dust.

Puppy is giving one of those "sorry, dude" faces, because he knows he's the reason why Hugh is getting his picture taken while picking up doody.

Mickey Rourke had lunch with Jason Statham in Los Angeles yesterday and when he got back to his car, a fluffy white bird with a heaving rack and "sex me" eyes was waiting for him in the backseat. Why am I not surprised that Mickey had a damn cockatoo chilling in his car, just waiting for him to get back so it could jump on his shoulder? The fuck?! I mean, wasn't that bird dropping wet poos all over the place in the car? And it kind of looks like the bird also went poo poo times on Mickey's luscious locks. But Mickey doesn't mind! He loves all animal friends!

Mickey is truly a modern day Dr. Doolittle!

ICK. NAST. TMZ says that Bravo is currently casting pieces of trash for The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Seriously, if we wanted to watch a bunch of desperate old hags with Tupperware tittays we'd just watch an episode of Dr. 90210. Or an episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

I prayed to the reality gods (I really did) that the next version of Real Housewives would take place in Boca! Or El Paso! Or Dallas! Or Branson! Or Oakland! Or anywhere but Beverly Hills! Seriously, I don't understand why Bravo hasn't tapped into the glamorous trash in Texas? It's everywhere you look (that's a compliment) down there. In Texas, you can't walk five steps without tripping over a pristine flower covered in rhinestones and hairspray. Who cares about Beverly Hills!

However.....if Bravo insists, I have a few casting suggestions. My Tivo will cut the fat and make room for this shit if the cast is: PHOEBE PRICE (international supermodel), SHAUNA SAND (lucite icon), ANGELYNE (ageless legend), QUEEN OF THE SCENE (beautiful crimefighter) and Norwood Young (glamorous unicorn).

Who says you can't be a 3-year-old with hair like Billy Idol (and just a sprinkle of Flock of Seagulls)? Kingston Rossdale has proven them wrong! Yeah, yeah, I know some of you are whining about how babehs shouldn't get covered in peroxide, but beauty is pain. Ask Maddox. And I know some of you are also bitching about the pacifier in his mouth, but it keeps him from crying, because the hair bleach has BURNED HIS FUCKING SCALP!

Mary Louise-Parker regrets baring her big bong nipples - Popeater

Buff troll in a bikini - Egotastic!

That poor old pepaw has every STD known to man now - Hollywood Tuna

RiRi Woodpecker flying through NYC - Just Jared

Victoria Silvstedt knows how to sell a watch (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Willem Dafoe is sex - Lainey Gossip

Some hobo bot takes Suri to ballerina school - Popsugar

Pink didn't get married again - Hollywood Rag

Which is which? Matt Lucas as Susan Boyle - Towleroad

Weeeeeed break - Cityrag

Tomorrow night, our next American Chili Cook-Off Singer will be announced and if Glamberace's glittery paw isn't crowned the winner, this hot bitch right here will suffocate herself with a thousand issues of Entertainment Weekly. I am not joke-telling. This chick is serious when it comes to Glamberace.

Here's two long ass clips of Melissa Dawn showing her intense love for the sequin-covered Pegasus. In the clip above, Melissa terrorizes several stores by creating a make-shift Glamberace shrine at the magazine stands. She then goes to Starbucks and orders a customized "Adam Lambert," which is basically just a cup full of shit and covered with jizz cream. Just like Glamberace! I'm joking, Melissa! It was a dumb dumb joke. Please don't slit my throat with one of your homemade Glambert fliers! Glamerbace is the sun, moon and stars! Just like you!

In the clip below, Melissa gets Adam's named tattooed on her back. No, I'm pretty sure this is not a Saturday Night Live Digital Short.

VIA San Diego Fox 5 (Thanks Shawn)

Somewhere in the world, Kate Gosselin is printing this picture out and sticking it in her scrapbook labeled "I TOLD YOU SO."

Yesterday on Oprah, an adorable 10-year-old little girl named Jordan showed off her version of Kate Gosselin's signature electrocuted wombat 'do. Luckily, Jordan's hairstyle isn't as possumlicious as Kate's. I don't feel like I'm going to see Jordan's hair hanging from a tree or scrounging through my garbage cans anytime soon, so there's still hope! She hasn't completely crossed over to the Gosselin side just yet!

And here's Kate running errands yesterday afternoon with her Pound Puppy hair and one of her daughters.

Fishsticks Paltrow and Mrs. Ryan Reynolds are reportedly throwing each other deathly side-eyes left and right on the set of Iron Man 2. That's what The Sun claims anyway. According to them, Fishy is slapping herself in the nipples out of frustration, because ScarJo is getting all the attention from the crew on set. Um. Minor correction. ScarJo isn't getting all the attention, her 8th World Wonder chichis are. Moving on...

Some source says that Fishy just doesn't understand ScarJo's style. Fishy also has her guppy lips in a twist, because ScarJo gets to walk around in ho outfits while she has to wear boring ass suits. The source went on to say, “They come from different worlds and have completely different styles. Gwyneth has found Scarlett very demanding of the attention of the crew. It’s not a happy set. Gwyneth was looking forward to working with Emily Blunt, who was originally in line for the part, but it ended up being Scarlett. Gwyneth’s had to live with that and she has been very professional, but she and Scarlett haven’t developed a friendship on the shoot, which is almost at the half way point. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.”

Poor little Poopy's jealous of ScarJo's magnificent breasteses! It's okay, Fishy. Don't be jealous of the rocks that she's got. Your husband is a bigger TIT than both of ScarJo's massive tittay balls combined.

You know, why is Fishy always such a cunt?! Why?! I'm going to blame all that birdseed and organic grass she eats! If ho ate a Rocky Road bar every now and again, she probably wouldn't be such a miserable bitch!

However, that doesn't mean I'm Team ScarJo. Nope. I'm Team RDJ Show Us That Dick Already!

Robert Fancy Pattz arrived in Cannes to promote that movie about sparkly vampires with dry genitals who always get the shakes when that Kristen Stewart broad comes around. RPattz doesn't look as dick buttery as usual, but I'm a little concerned about him standing in the sun like that. The unicorns frolicking in his magical forest hair will fry with all that grease! Seriously, his hair kind of looks like the inside of a deep fryer at McDonald's at the end of the day. That being said, I'd still wipe my no-no on his hair and hit that shit!

Here's more pictures of the dazzling RPattz in Cannes yesterday along with the poster for that New Moon cacamess.