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I know you were hoping that when Tatiana Del Toro came back to American Idol tonight, the judges would all fall to her feet and beg for her forgiveness. They would shower her roses and declare that she's the rightful winner of American Idol. Then Tati would screech like a trillion Glamberaces causing the theater to crumble and crash on all of them. Unfortunately, that's not how it went down. But see who got crowned the prettiest prettiest boy in all the land. JUMP!

Because we need her to come back and blow up Melrose Place all over again. This shit looks horrific and mainly because Asshole Simpson is in it. Someone please put a butt plug on her (not you, Papa Joe).

These are the first few stills from the new Melrose Place which will terrorize our TVs in the Fall on The CW. Spoiler alert! It will be canceled a week later. Naw. The CW doesn't play that. They like to slowly torture us.

The cast includes: Stephanie Jacobsen, Colin Egglesfield, A Big Asshole, Shaun Sipos, Katie Cassidy, Michael Rady and Jessica Lucas. Sydney Andrews is in some of the stills below, but I don't even think her brilliance can save this shit. I'm still going to jump into my bong and give it a shot.

And how long before Jessica Simpson has run out of yard sales to perform at and is forced to guest star on this mess?

A reader sent me this story from Australia about some bitch named Clare who offended people when yapping about a shooting she witnessed in Sydney on Sunday. You see, Clare used the term "wog" which I was told is totally offensive. I've never really heard that term before, so the first thing I pictured was an animal who is a cross between a hog and a wombat. Yeah, a hog/wombat hybrid would be fuglier than anything between Paris Hilton's legs, but I didn't understand why that shit would be considered offensive. Then I googled it, asked around and learned that "wog" is actually an ethnic slur. Wiki says: "The term traditionally denoted immigrants principally of Southern European, and Eastern European origins (and since then, their descendants)."

Anyway, Clare and her stupid ass has become an overnight sensation over in Australia. The dumb bitch had to hire a spokeswhore and people are even selling Clare t-shirts. Really, what does this chick expect? That she's going to become the next Nicole Kidman or something? Sorry, bitch, but you'll probably get to be a fluffer in a low-budget porn and that's it!

However, if this ho was American, she'd be first-runner up in the Miss USA pageant. Truth.

And the dude who says the shooting was "awesome" is the one who should be getting all the attention.

(Thanks Becks)

Oh, that Kanye! He really knows how to keep the LOLs rolling through the internets. He should take his act on the road and call it the Delusional Kings of Comedy! Kanye just loves to fart in his own hand, inhale it (it's like helium), hit the CAPS-LOCK key and then go fucking at it. That's what must have done today with this latest post, because this is a motherfucking crazy doozy.

Kanye was commenting on some pictures the paps took of RiRi when he started to go into another world. Kanye went there and I really wish he hadn't. See what I mean:

FRESH ASS PICTURE!!! YO WHY CAN'T ALL PAPARAZZI PHOTOS BE THIS GOOD? WELL OBVIOUSLY BECAUSE MOST CELEBS JUST AREN'T RIHANNA LOL! ... BUT ON THE REAL, THIS PIC IS HARDCORE. PEEP THE PERSPECTIVE SHOT OF THE CITY IN THE BACK. SOMETIMES THE PAPS OVEREXPOSE THE LENS OR HAVE THE FLASH TOO HIGH TAKING ALL THE EMOTION OUT OF THE MOMENT. THIS MOMENT IS CAPTURED IN TIME NOW. I LOOK AT OUR CURRENT SUPERSTARS LIKE LEGENDS IN THE MAKING... LIKE JUSTIN IS THE NEW MIKE , BEYONCE'S THE NEW TINA TURNER, GAGA'S MADONNA, JAY IS SINATRA... WAYNE IS HENDRIX, THOM YORKE IS ROGER WATERS, THESE ARE THE CHAMPIONS AND SHOULD BE DOCUMENTED AS SUCH. THAT SAID, IT WOULD BE DOPE IF THE PAPS OPERATED WITH THE SAME INTEGRITY AND ATTENTION TO THEIR CRAFT AS THE LEGENDS THEY PHOTOGRAPH..... GOOD JOB ON THIS ONE!

Was is it just me or were you expecting to hear a joke drum on loop, because the whole post is punchline after punchline!

And you know that in the blog post in his mind he added: KANYE WEST IS THE NEW GOD!!!!!!!!!! Bitch can part the Red Sea just by hitting his CAPS-LOCK key!

Damn. Did Kate Gosselin queef in someone's scrambled eggs over at UsWeekly, because they have it out for the bitch! They are raising their pitchforks and trying to take that cunt down! This week's issue really isn't anything new. It's all about Kate's grand cunty ways! It's nice to know that Cunty Kate was even a mega bitch before she got famous!

One of Kate's former baby nurses, Angela Krall, said that before she was hired, the Gosselins had gone through almost 40 nurses in only 3 months. Angela said that Kate would fire a ho over every little thing. One nurse washed her hands in the kitchen sink instead of the bathroom sink and Kate dropped the bitch, because she said it was cross-contamination.

Apparently, before Kate became famous, Medicaid paid for her nannies. The Associated Press reported in a story from 2005, "Kate Gosselin said she feels society has a responsibility to help with the children, since modern medicine promotes the use of fertility drugs, which can lead to multiple births."

Okay, when are Kate and OctoMommy going to become besties forever, because they were obviously both cut from the same batshit crazy cloth (which comes in fuchsia or chartreuse)!

Kate didn't only bring the cuntiness to the staff, she also treated her father like caca. When her father brought her cribs donated by his parishioners (he's a pastor), Kate threw them out. A family source (aka Jon) said, "They didn't match and Kate rejected them."

Kate didn't miss a beat and she quickly responded to all these claims to People: "Everywhere you go you're being stalked, you're being followed – it's hell, on the cover of a magazine. It's so scary. It's like one of those movies where you have to change your identity and go underground. I've been saying, 'Let's find a country where our show doesn't air, and let's just go there until this all dies.' I have to laugh about this, or else I'll cry. It's a matter of, when will they stop?"

The best part is when she talks about her kids: "I don't want them dragged into this. It kills me." Did she forget a little show called Jon & Kate Plus 8 that she signed them all up for? I love it when the pimp starts to shed crocodile tears.

Why do I find Kate so hilarious?! An even better question is, does anybody ever fight back? It wouldn't be hard. All you have to do is all the ASPCA on her tortured possum hair, so they can throw a net over her head and drag her into a cage. Or better yet, just sprinkle some holy water on her and watch as she shrivels down into the sidewalk cracks.

What's it about American Idol and the loons? Paula's stalker, Paula herself, Tatiana Del Toro and now this crazy bitch who tried to choke the caca out of Terri Seymour? They should hand out ludes before every Idol taping, because some hos just need to calm down!

TMZ says that while Simon Cowell's ex titty fluffer, Terri Seymour, was leaving the finale last night, some maniac came up to her and asked if she was Simon's lady. The crazy bitch then tried to get her hands on Terri's froat, so she could choke her ass! The coppers arrived and took the alleged choker, Janice Thibodeaux, down to the big house. 200lb Janice was arrested and is currently being held on $52,7000 bail. Janice's brother and sister told TMZ that she isn't crazy. That's exactly what my family tells people when asked what's wrong with me. But seriously, they knew that bitch was crazy, because she probably pulled the wings off of butterflies as a child.

And why would I not be surprised if Janice Thibodeaux turned out to be Paula Abdul in a fat suit she bought at the Norbit lot sale? Janice Thibodeaux is the name she gives to her back alley pharmacists.

For the second straight year in a row, international supermodel Phoebe Price obliterated St. Angie Jo on the red carpet with her third-degree glamour! PP was the guest of honor (not really) and bright shining star at the premiere of Inglourious Basterds (or however the hell you misspell that shit) today. St. Angie Jo showed up with Brad, because she had to. If she didn't, the heavens would crash down on Earth, killing us all and Brangie wouldn't want that! Because who would pay attention to them if that happened?

When St. Angie took one look at Chicken Cutlets' beauty, she would've packed up her condom dress, her toy lips and went the hell home to soak in the deep fryer some more, because she really isn't oily enough. And don't even say that's poultry lard on PP's face! She's not greasy. That's her natural glow!

But seriously, I do like St. Angie's dress. Mostly because it's really fucking slutty. And it looks like extra long foreskin.

The homeless heroin addict who is always asking you for a cigarette outside of the liquor store or the kid from Third Rock From The Sun? - Lainey Gossip

I spy Hermione Granger's bra - Egotastic!

Why won't Wonky stick her crotch in a roach motel already? Nobody wants to see peep at that mess! - Hollywood Tuna

Does Chloe Sevigny ever put away her titties? - Towleroad

I'd hit it, even if his jizz tastes like an ash tray - Popsugar

More like FAILing (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Would it be considered "green" if we flush Cameron Diaz down the toilet? - Hollywood Rag

This would be good: Miss California's mother is a dyke? - Just Jared

Moose knuckle stampede - Cityrag