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Cher just might tear herself away from her custom-made oxygen crypt long enough to shoot scenes in Xtina's debut movie Burlesque (I want to see jazz hands in the air when you read that title).

It was already announced that Xtina would star in the movie musical as a small-town girl who dreams of being a singer but finds herself thrusting her crotch at a burlesque club. The working title should be, Showgirls: The Whores Are Alive With The Sound Of Music!

Entertainment Weekly says that Cher is in final talks play the owner of the club. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! !!! !!!! Seriously, the camp level of this movie will hit the heavens if Cher is in it. I mean, Cher and Xtina wearing sparkly nipple tassles while singing and shaking their chichis?! All this ridiculousness needs is a random scene where Joan Collins storms into the club and slaps Cher for no reason. That would make this soon-to-be cinematic wreck the glittery cherry on top of my life sundae. Is it really too early to order my tickets on Fandango?

And if you live in the Los Angeles area, you better stock up on all your cosmetics right now. This movie is going to empty out every single make-up counter in the city.

And here I was thinking I broke the world blow job record that one summer, but I guess you need judges and cameras around to document the whole thing. Oh, well. Maybe next time. Blonde Cora, a German porn star, was officially trying to break the record when she choked almost halfway through and had to go to the hospital! The Sun says that Cora's goal was to blow 200 peens, but only she made it to wang #75 when she started having trouble breathing. Bitch blew it and not in the way she had hoped.

This is kind of embarrassing to all us mega sluts out there. Most of us can suck 75 dicks at a time while watching a Melrose Place marathon and playing a game of Monopoly with our toes! And this bitch is a whore for a living! SHAME!!!! How dreadful!

Even amateur skanks know you have to breathe through your nose! If that's not enough, find an air pocket in the dick hole you're sucking and breathe! Turn that dick into a snorkel! Breathe through your ears! Breathe through your pussay! Breathe through your asshole if you have to! Whatever you do, don't quit the dick!

Her parents are probably so disappointed!

I scheeve! I scheeve! Teresa from The Real Mob Wives Of New Jersey is knocked up with her fourth child! That's what a rep from Bravo tells People. Apparently, Teresa is almost 6 months pregnant with her fourth child. She has three daughters with her "juicy and delicious" husband who may or may not be involved in some kind of organized crime. I don't want to make any assumptions (he totally is), because I like having all my fingers. Having all my fingers is very useful to my life.

Teresa isn't the only NJ housewife who is expecting a baby friend to dress up and take pictures of. SPOILER ALERT! Jacqueline is also having a baby sometime this summer.

You know, I think Teresa might be my favorite, but I'm not sure yet. I think her hairline is throwing me off. I can't fully commit to a woman with a hairline like that. I just want to sneak behind her and pull her hair back! That hairline is a greedy ho, because it's taking up space on her forehead and you know it's not paying extra rent! Frankly, a hairline that low makes Teresa look a little woofy. But enough of that!

Congratulations to Buh-Bees and I hope her new baby doesn't inherit her hairline. Although, I hope the baby inherits its father's luscious stomach dome (Exhibit A).

THESE BITCHES! Robin Wright and Sean Penn's divorce is off again for like the ten millionth time this year! How hard is it to quit a bitch?! Just skip away and jump on some new peen. Damn!

People says that Sean Penn filed a request in court today asking if he can snort up the legal separation papers he submitted last month. A lawyer-type who isn't working on the case says this probably means they are trying to superglue their marriage together AGAIN. I guess this means Natalie Portman dropped his wang in the gutter for good.

This isn't the ten millionth time Sean has canceled his divorce, it's the second time, but it feels like we've been down this road over and over again. Can we all file a class action divorce against the both of them?

And why does Robin keep taking his whore ass back?! Robin, I know he's coming to you with pussy jelly on his dick and the white shit on his nose, promising that it will be the last time, but it won't! It will happen every night for the rest of your life. Just let the bitch be gone already and lock the door.

Below is a theatrical interpenetration of Sean and Robin's marriage. Just play that shit on a loop and there's their marriage. Actually, this is everyone's marriage. Actually, this is everyone's LIFE.

Dear Glittery Gays of YouTube, you know what to do - Just Jared

Our Lady of Cheetos is looking sexier than a big piece of mesquite jerky - Egotastic!

BENJAMIN BUTTON'S SHIT: Annalynne McCord is a 21-year-old rode hard cougar - Hollywood Tuna

Glamberace is not gay! He's checking those twinks for lumps - Towleroad

Papa Joe's favorite post of the day - Cityrag

RiRi is trying to out-douche Wentzy with that pose and it's working - Popsugar

Not going to work: SamRo and HoHan are just trying to take away the spotlight on Rojo's upcoming nuptials - Hollywood Rag

That triflin' skank Melissa Dawn got me. I'll see you in HELL, BITCH! - YouTube

Did Keith Urban partake in a little botox bukkake? - Lainey Gossip

Vicky Silvstedt gets chased by billionaire midgets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

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Mars has introduced their first candy bar in 20 years and they call this one "The Fling." It's the size of a finger and comes wrapped in some pink crap with the words "pleasure yourself" on it. You know where my mind is going, so I won't be offended if you exit stage left......

In the commercial above, it looks like some dude and some chick are doing sexy stuff in a dressing room. You know, fingering each other's asses, slapping each other's taints...the norm. Then the camera pans up and we see that they are actually in two different dressing rooms. The girl sits down, takes out her "Fling" and bites into it.

"The Fling" looks like a butt banging gone wrong! The last time some dude waved a chocolate finger at my face, I called 911, because I might be a big whore, but I don't play that shit (literally)! I don't care if it's only 85 calories per finger. No way, no how.

VIA Videogum

There are 2 reasons why I like Wendy Williams. Okay, maybe 5. Or 10? Wait, her ENORMOUS titt-titt-titt-tittays count for how many reasons? Anyway, I just want to put on a Slanket and cuddle up in there. You know, I bet if you jumped in between her buh-bees (nod to the Housewives of NJ) of wonder, you'd pop out of Aretha Franklin's magnificent chichis. Then if you jumped back into Aretha's, you'd pop out of Salma Hayek's. If you jumped back into Salma's, you'd pop out of Jesse Metcalfe's. Like a chichi portal! I bet that shit exists!

Here's a member of the chichi portal team at last night's NewNowNext Awards in NYC. The award show was also attended by natural beauties like Ongina, Selene Luna and Bianca Del Rio. I don't know who Bianca is, but I felt like her face was too spectacular to pass up.

Have you ever wanted to hear the poetic lyrics, "When you take a sip you buzz like a hornet, Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets," live and from the mouths of the aritstes who wrote them? Well, it is your fucking life, because the master prophets known as LFO (Lyte Funky Ones) have announced that they are reuniting for one night only in NYC! We are all so lucky to be ALIVE!!!!

LFO *Reunion show*
July 18,2009 - Highline Ballroom
Limited VIP tickets available which includes: getting your car washed by two members of the band
Concert starts @ 6:30PM
Doors open @ 5:30 PM
Tickets $35.00 (or a half-punched Subway card)

Tickets onsale on May 28th at noon.
Open Baked Potato Bar Available

Okay, I might have effed with that a little bit, but I'm sure you could work something out if you agreed to actually buy a ticket. I need to stop! You know this shit is going to be sold out at 12:00:01. The truth! I'm taking my She-Ra sleeping blanket down to the Highline Ballroom in a few hours, because you know that line is going to stretch all the way into Canada. Don't believe me? Wrap your soul around these deep deep lyrics: "New Kids On The block,had a bunch of hits Chinese food makes me sick." See you in line!!!

VIA ONTD

Tuesday night, Simon Cowell's favorite nipple pincher, Terri Seymour, was leaving the Idol finale when a 200lb loontardian attacked her and tried to choke her down! The police swept in and 33-year-old Janice Thibodeaux was arrested. Yesterday, Janice spoke to Radar (from her luxurious jail cell) and said it was all a misunderstanding and she wasn't trying to kill a trick. Janice basically says, "Simon strangled MAH lady, so I strangled hiz!" K-R-A-Z-Y (but not cool).

Janice says, “I wasn’t cool with Simon Cowell choking Paula Abdul on the show last week and with her crying-out ‘help’ as he did so. Nobody said anything about that so I wanted to confront him about it because that is not appropriate behavior, is it? She (Terri) was taking some photographs with her camera and I knew she was his girlfriend so I went up to her to tell her how I felt. We started arguing and then I put my hands around her neck and started choking her just like Simon had done with Paula. Then I walked away and I was tackled by the police but I don’t regret what I did because of what Simon did to Paula, nobody seemed to care about that.”

Janice also says she used to be a security guard on American Idol. Yeah, the crazy ho probably got fired when she was caught licking a toilet Paula just used. Well, you know it's true. Don't hate for me that image, hate Janice Crazydoughs!!

Paula is like a goddess to the insane! They will do whatever it takes to shimmy out of their straitjackets, attack the orderless with a shank made out of a toothbrush and bust of the loony bin just so they can get close to their shiny-eyed insane QUEEN. Cowell better watch it, because his precious hair part might be in danger.