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Good news for Pirate Kiefer! Bad new for Christmas trees. Kiefer Sutherland might not have to go to the clink for bringing down his mighty head on a trick's nose! In case you smoked up the part of your brain that held this insignificant information, let me give you the quick fire version. At a party earlier this month, Kiefer headbutted Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough in defense of Brooke Shields. Kief thought Jack knocked Brooke over. She later denied it. Then she later admitted. Blahs. Blahs. Blahs.

Well, Kiefer frolicked on over to Jack's side and made pretty with him. Now they are the bestest friends ever! They went out and bought a split "Best Friends" pendant. They made each other friendship bracelets. And they even bought a star together and named it "CoKi" in honor of their beautiful new friendship. No, that didn't happen, but they did make-up. Kief's rep said that he is sowwy about what happened and wishes Jack well. Because Kief apologized, Jack will no longer testify.

Since there is no complaining witness anymore, the prosecution's case against Kief isn't very strong. This means it's likely that he will get to skip away without being prosecuted!

Hopefully, Kief finally learns his lesson. You can't just go around headbutting bitches. You have to ask first! You have to get permission to headbutt. You know, if Kief came up to me in a bar and politely asked if he could headbutt me, I'd probably say yes. Well, first I'd wonder if he was asking me to do some kind of kinky (and potentially really painful) sex act. Then I'd examine the size of his head. Then I'd wonder what kind of lube we should use. Then I'd definitely say sí!

Source: E!

Benji Madden waltzed into a Coffee Bean the other day empty-handed, bought a drink and then skipped out with a fluffy piece of heaven in his hands. A bunny rabbit! Since when do they sell bunny rabbits at Coffee Bean? Or maybe it fell out of his ass while he was using the bathroom? Very possible.

And that's my kind of bunny rabbit too, because it looks like a slut! I mean, look at all that trampy eye make-up it's wearing. Bunny slut is also sexing up the photographer with her eyes. It won't be long before we see her baring her tail in Playboy. Finally, a fucking authentic Playboy bunny.

I know we all got part-times jobs as a cocktail waitresses/models hoping that one day George Clooney will sweep in, see that we serve alcoholic beverages, fall madly in love with us and then whisk us off to Italy where we'll spend our days licking his taint. Well, the dream came true for one bitch, but it wasn't us. George's latest cocktail waitress love is some ho named Lucy Wolvert who he met while filming a movie in Miami.

UsWeekly (via Parade) says that George and Lucy have been bumping nipples for a few weeks, but he wants to keep the whole thing hush hush. Lucy, who is also a model (give me that eye roll), couldn't keep her pie hole shut and is telling all her friends that she's doing The Clooney. A source said, "Her crush may have gotten the best of her. George asked Lucy to be discreet, but she's told friends and they've started talking."

Why are these whores so dumb dumb in the brains?! Why oh why?! When a peen that shoots loads of money comes into your life, you have to play it cool. Especially if the peen belongs to George. One little peep and George is out the door. Didn't these slags learn anything from that dumbass call girl Sarah Larson?!

With George, you gotta put on a Benjamin Button's mask, pretend you're Brad Pitt, hop on that dick and then get knocked up! And you keep your lips shut until the fetus is comfortably ready to pop. Then you start blabbing and collect your check. I swear. Someone should really teach a class to cocktail waitresses/models at the Learning Annex called How To Catch The Clooney in 5 Easy Steps.

When I first saw this picture of Lesley Vogel, Hayden Panatroll's mama je'e, over at TMZ, my palms got sweaty, my throat closed up and my asshole started to twitch a bit. The latter occurred, because Lesley's nose is so erect. You just want to put a Trojan on it and hop on it. Homegirl has a hung nose!

And those luscious lips! If Mickey Rourke and Lisa Rinna's collagen needles had a dream baby.....

That being said, Lesley is still more glamorous and gorgeous than her daughter. I speak the truth.

Here is the Vaseline-covered beauty at the opening of The Painted Nail in L.A. last night.

Radar is saying that Gis Bundchen and Tom Brady made a baby friend of their very own. Friends are blabbing that after being married for xx months (I'm too lazy to check the exact number and you don't care anyway), Gis and Tom are expecting their first baby together. Gis is totally going to give birth to a hairy giant chin. The second coming of Tater Head!

Tom already has a baby with Bridget Moynahan. The same baby that Gis says she considers as her own. Cue Bridget screaming, "Filly bitch finally has her own baby to play with!"

Little man, BIG wall - Lainey Gossip

Miranda Kerr and her prettier boyfriend Orlando Bloom are sunning their asses in France - Egotastic!

Russian male gymnast in a two-piece - Hollywood Tuna

This coming from a man who has Kate Jackson's hair circa 1976 - Towleroad

Oh fuck, she didn't! Drew Barrymore is bringing back the checkered jeans! - Just Jared

Butterfly nipples (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

WHORE PIT VIPER - Cityrag

George Clooney's got his blouse off in Cabo - Popsugar

Alec Baldwin banned from the Philippines for being an undesirable alien. Isn't that Filipino for "Tommy Girl"? - Hollywood Rag

Mary Kay Letourneau is the crazy-faced former teacher who was convicted of raping her 13-year-old student over 10 years ago. Mary Kay went to prison for 7 years, got out and married Vili Fualaau ("the student"). Mary Kay and Vili have two kids together. I know you've been feverishly wondering what these two have been up to lately. Well, they are now hosting parties in Seattle! And not just any party, but a "Hot For Teacher" party. Chris Hansen, please pour this party a glass of lemonade and tell it to have a seat.

This Saturday will be the third time Fuel in Seattle hosts the party. Vili plays DJ for the night while Mary Kay goes around signing autographs. The owner thinks it's just the cleverest thing he's ever farted out. The owner told KOMO TV, "It was sort of a joke but sort of real, and it was just something that we thought was a good name for it, and of course we got Mary's permission to do it. She's really trying to kick-start his career. She meets people, she greets people, she dances to music, she hosts the party. And she's an absolute sweetheart. And everyone who meets her realizes that and is kind of flabbergasted by how nice she is."

That's probably because the bitch drops GHB in your milk, rubs your back and tells you what a big strong little man you are. Of course, everyone's going to like her if she does that! That creepy bitch has permanent child-touching eyes, so there's no way I'd want to be around her while I'm trying to get my drunk on! Nothing kills a party faster than a convicted child molester.

In other news, Fuel will also be hosting NAMBLA's annual meet and greet next month.

The Wino's big comeback show at London's Shepherd's Bush Empire on May 31st has been puffed out. The show will not go on. Sorry to those of you who were hoping to get a crack loogie dropped on your head or a Wino claw jabbed into your cheek. It's not going to happen. Wino's spokeswhores issued a statement to The Sun:

"Amy and her band will no longer be performing at the Shepherd's Bush Empire on May 31. Amy would like to apologize to her fans who bought tickets for the shows."

This news shouldn't make a hamster jump out of your ass, because every ho saw this coming after she got mega drunked the other day and had to go to THE CLINIC again. Although, her spokeswhores should've told the truth and said that Wino can't let a little thing called "performing" get in the way of her boozing. Priorities!

A local news station in Detroit proved that either, a) they don't have a fact checker or b) their fact checker spends most of his days smoking a joint out back (along with everybody else), when they read off birthday greetings live on air. The anchor didn't flinch one ass lip when she wished Eaton Beaver a very happy 69th birthday! I'm guessing Eaton Beaver is wife of Dick N. Beaver. Oh fuck, I love the local news.

And when Eaton Beaver turns 100, Willard Scott better wish her a good one.

VIA Buzzfeed

After watching a preview for the new season of Jon & Possum'Do Plus 8, I'm wondering if Jon loves the sweet booze in a serious way? Yeah, I know that if any of us had to live with Kate, we'd probably be injecting a mixture of heroin, morphine and Paula Adul's special homebrew into our toe cleavage on an hourly basis, so I understand if Jon is a total drunk. I mean, he has that Asian glow thing going on through most of the clip. Or maybe his face is always read, because Kate is constantly slapping at it. Could be.

I love the end of the clip where they are sitting all far apart and then Jon slowly gives her a side-eye followed by a slight eye shank. Drama! TLC is fucking good. I didn't even know this show was alive before all the theatrics went down and now I will be watching this crap on Monday like an asshole.