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Everyone, everyone! It's time to visit with our favorite cuckoo philosopher, so that she can sprinkle whack-a-doodle cookies all around us! This time Roseanne is yapping about the evil glitter-hating American Idol! Even Arnold Schwartargarnagarzr (don't make me google for the correct spelling on a Saturday) makes a little cameo in her latest diatribe. And so does Pat Boooone! Put on your aluminum dunce caps and read on:

the u.s. elections! it's all for show and has no substance, offensive homophobic sexist and hateful. the closeted gay guy who goes to church won over the gay guy who is "out".

simon fuller never tells the truth, because the truth is that simon fuller hates originality and talent, and only likes what is common and hack. That is what american record buyers support--same shit different day... the white guy who sings with an emotional catch in his voice that little girls can have safe romantic sexual fantasies about. FUCKIN pat boone YUCK! cancel this atrocious show. the new girl looks like a boy in her bikini...she probably has a dick too. its all bullshit, just like everything else is all bullshit here, starting with that governor, an austrian closet case who hangs around with my ex husband who is a complete sociopathic LOON!

So basically Roseanne is saying that everyone involved in American Idol is gay? Gay or a tranny. That's basically what she's saying, right? Actually, I think she's saying EVERYONE on this planet we all live in is either gay or a tranny. Sounds sexy to me! Weeeeeee!

This is why whenever Roseanne's crazy bus comes rolling around, I run into the street and flag her down. Bitch makes about as much sense as a mute Chihuahua, but she always makes for great entertainment and that's all that counts. I mean, she used the words "Pat Boone, LOON and YUCK" in one post. AND she also thinks that Kara DioFUCKOFFALREADY's tuck game is weak. Now that is some shit I can co-sign.

Source: Roseanne's World VIA ONTD

The Gosselins got a little visit from the dudes of TLC's American Chopper yesterday and they brought the Grande Cunt a special present: a pink scooter. Methinks they gave her a pink one hoping it would make her possum head look less butch-alicious. It didn't work. But it was nice of them to splatter read paint over it like that. It makes Kate think about one of her most cherished moments: the time she ripped Jon's nutsacks out by the root. Kate's bike is an homage to that beautiful moment!

Jon also got to ride with the big boys, but he didn't look very happy in the face! I'm thinking that he was planning to fake his death, but with the paparazzi on his his ass, he had to cancel that. Or maybe he was grouchy, because Kate refused to ride on the back of his bike and he was planning to crash it into a tree if she was on it. Instead, Kate decided to rub her 8-yard crotch all over Paul Sr.

Jon NEVAH wins!

Here's more of Dykey 'Do and Jon riding around on bikes yesterday.

Yesterday, a blog post Gayken wrote on his $29.95 a year members-only website about his thoughts on Glamberace and the overall American Idol machine made the internet rounds. In the long ass post, Gayken said that Glamberace's performance of "Ring of Fire" made his ears bleed. He also said that American Idol played favorites this season and chose to focus on a bitch who is already all professional and shit. BLAH, right? Well, Gayken has hopped back on his custom-made sparkly pink MacBook (you know it is) to clear the fart he left after writing that shit.

Gayken's response is equally as cunty. Or maybe I feel that way, because I can't help picturing girlfriend shaking his head and snapping his fingers while writing it.

Gayken's whole "Sowwy (but not really)" rant is after the jump. Again, this is a loooooong one, so bring a Lunchables. JUMP!

If Google kept crashing on you all through last night, that's because zillions of crazed Twitweens were feverishly searching for pictures to print out of that skankwhorecunttrampslutbitchanallover (their words, not mine) Erika Dutra. They gathered around their parents' Weber grill in the backyard and held a chanting ceremony where threw her pictures into the fire (along with a pack of Camels) while wishing that her vagina closes for LIFE. That's because Erika was spotted "canoodling" with a sparkly vampire we all know as Robert Pattinson at a party in Cannes. If I was the President of Hot Topic, I'd send a rush order of "DIE ERIKA DUTRA DIE" t-shirts to all stores. This could save the entire economy.

RPattz is reportedly slapping his glitter wand on his co-star Kristen Stewart, but he didn't seem to have a care in the world when he was licking on Erika. A witness-type told Life & Style, "Erika was introduced to Robert by a mutual friend at the beginning of the night and he was smitten with her from that point on. He took pictures of her, sat with her all night, and the two of them were even seen kissing! There was serious chemistry between them, and they looked like they were having an amazing time. Erika and Robert even left the party together!"

So Skankika (again, their words not mine), rode that unicorn horn all night? To quote a philosopher named Oda Mae Brown: "Erika, you in danger girl."

Watchimals! - It's time to travel back to the magical world known as the 80s where you could wear gay stuffed animals on your wrists and kind of get away with it. Watchimals was part stuffed animal and part watch. It was genius! I don't remember which one I had, but I wore it with pride thinking that I had finally made it in life! Watchimal was like a Rolex for kids.

Some beautiful soul created a website dedicated to finding Watchimals on eBay and tracking their every move. I so want to find a unicorn Watchimal, so I can wear it to the bars and watch hos die with jealousy when they take a look at it. The equally amazing commercial is below:

Joan Collins (76)
Heidi Range (26)
Lane Garrison (29)
Kelly Monaco (33)
Ken Jennings (35)
Jewel (35)
Maxwell (36)
Eric Nies (38)
Guinevere Turner (41)
Tom Tykwer (44)
Karen Duffy (48)
Lea DeLaria (51)
Drew Carey (51)
Charles Kimbrough (73)